According to a new study, children with autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) visited doctors and hospitals more often during their first year of life than non-affected children. Even before being diagnosed, these babies’ health care patterns are unique. These findings suggest that we may be able to identify these conditions earlier than thought. 

baby

The findings from Duke Health researchers, appearing online Oct. 19 in the journal Scientific Reports, provide evidence that health care utilization patterns in a baby’s first year can serve as a roadmap to provide timey diagnoses and treatments which can improve outcomes and reduce healthcare costs. 

“This study provides evidence that children who develop autism and ADHD are on a different path from the beginning,” said lead author Matthew Engelhard, M.D., Ph.D., a senior research associate at Duke. “We have known that children with these diagnoses have more interactions with the health care system after they’ve been diagnosed, but this indicates that distinctive patterns of utilization begin early in these children’s lives. This could provide an opportunity to intervene sooner.”

Autism spectrum disorder affects approximately 1.5% of children in the United States and ADHD affects about 11% of U.S. children. ADHD symptoms are also present in up to 60% of children with ASD.  

“We know that children with ASD and ADHD often receive their diagnosis much later, missing out on the proven benefits that early interventions can bring,” said Geraldine Dawson, Ph.D., director of the Duke Center for Autism and Brain Development and the Duke Institute for Brain Sciences. “Owing to the brain’s inherent malleability — its neuroplasticity — early detection and intervention are critical to improving outcomes in ASD, especially in terms of language and social skills.”

Engelhard and colleagues, including senior authors Dawson and Scott Kollins, Ph.D., used 10 years of data collected from the electronic health records of nearly 30,000 patients, primarily at Duke University Health System, who had at least two well-child visits before age one.

Patients were grouped as having later been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, both conditions or no diagnosis. The researchers then analyzed the first-year records for hospital admissions, procedures, emergency department visits and outpatient clinical appointments.

For the children who were later found to have one or both of the diagnoses, their births tended to result in longer hospital stays compared to children without the disorders.

Children later diagnosed with ASD had higher numbers of procedures, including intubation and ventilation, and more outpatient specialty care visits for services such as physical therapy and eye appointments.

Children who were later found to have ADHD had more procedures, notably including blood transfusions, as well as more hospital admissions and more emergency department visits.

Studies show that treatments for these disorders work best when they begin early in a child’s life, Dawson said. Understanding that there are signals available in a child’s electronic health record could help lead to earlier and more targeted therapies.

“We are hopeful that these early utilization patterns can eventually be combined with other sources of data to build automated surveillance tools to help parents and pediatricians identify which kids will benefit most from early assessment and treatment,” Kollins said.

The researchers said they plan to conduct additional analyses to explore more fully what specific health concerns prompted the extra doctor and hospital visits.

“We want to understand these distinctions in greater detail and identify them as soon as possible to make sure children have access to the resources they need,” Engelhard said.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash 

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Our new series, Tiny Birth Stories, is aimed at sharing real-life stories from our readers to our readers. In just 100 words or less, we’re bringing you the raw, the funny and the heartwarming stories you’ve lived while bringing babies into the world. Here are five stories that will have you laughing, crying and nodding your head in solidarity. 

Interested in telling your birth story? Click here

Do I Have Time To Run To Lowe’s? by Jessy P.  

When I told my husband he asked “do I have time to run to Lowe’s” so off to Lowe’s he went. We headed to the hospital when he returned. I was at 4-cm by then and not in much pain. Once we were admitted to our room we settled in and so did the pain! I was determined to have my baby naturally and I lasted without meds until 9 p.m. The doctor suggested I get an epidural so I could relax, I wasn’t dilating fast enough. While I was getting the epidural my husband informed me he had never seen a needle that big go into someone’s back! By the next day I still had only reached 8 centimeters and the babies heart rate was rising. My only option was the have a C section which broke my heart. Once I wrapped my head around this we got the go ahead and off we went to the operating room. My baby girl was born at 3:59 on May 6th. My husband told me it looked like a scene from Saw 3. He said “ I saw the doctor holding your guts “ We both cried and he got to hold her first! It was the most intense and beautiful day of my life!

The One That Broke the Baby’s Arm- by Laura J.

My water broke exactly on time. We drove to the hospital prepared with a bag. But it took a turn. I pushed for too long. The c-section was scheduled, then called off when the baby started to progress. But progressing stopped. The vacuum extractor failed and, POP, blood squirted on my doctors’ glasses. “Help!” she called and suddenly more doctors appeared. One climbed on me, pumping on my stomach. Then the words: “I’m sorry. I had to break the baby’s arm to get her out.” Both heartbreak and relief. A little TLC, but she’d arrived! And now she’s turning four!

Giving Birth at 24 Weeks- by Chrissy R. 

My First Child, My Birth Story: The reality of pre-term labor hit me at just 24 weeks. My body started labor on its own and after an emergency C-Section, my son was born at just 1lb 10oz and became a NICU resident for 108 days. Feeling helpless for my baby while managing my own struggle of my pregnancy immediately taken from me, my life seemed shattered. As days turned into months and ounces turned into pounds…I learned true resilience and witnessed a true fight for life. A fight that is not taught, but instilled in you, in all of us.

You Can’t Plan for Everything- by Lynsey M. 

Child birth and recovery, piece of cake! Or is it? One would think after going through the process four times before, the fifth would be a breeze. I had experienced everything from a 20 minute labor to a 20 hour process. I had epidurals, no epidurals, NICU babies, infant open heart surgery, CPAP, intubation, bottle and breast-fed. But nothing can prepare you for an epidural headache. Why? Because that is solely on yourself. You spend months planning and preparing for a baby and if something goes wrong you kick into high mom mode and join the adrenaline race. But when those doctors walk in and ask if you have a headache, I strongly encourage you to be honest. Otherwise, may experience having your father or husband carry you from your bed and into the hospital. You may look back and have friends call you “Hollywood” because blood patches did not work and you had to spend 10 days laying flat on your back in the hospital with sunglasses on because any amount of light or sound sent excruciating pain. Word of advice: every birth and recovery is unique, don’t let any amount of experience fool you. They are all different. Make sure you take care of you because you are of little use to those precious blessings if you don’t!

From the Car to Birth in 45 minutes- by Shannen L.

“Don’t go to the hospital too soon!” “Average first time labor is 14 hours!” As a first time mom, I was convinced of these two things when I felt the first twinge of labour starting about five days before my due date. Luckily, I had a doula who recognized the unusual start to my contractions (which were two minutes apart from the get-go) and had us leave for the hospital within the hour. Seriously so happy we lived close by because I was fully dilated when we arrived and baby came out 45 minutes later!

Trick-or-treating may look different this year, but our celebrations don’t have to. From ketchup-dipped fries as vampire fangs to hot dog “fingers” dripping in ketchup, for years fans have used HEINZ Ketchup to add deliciously convincing blood to their Halloween celebrations. Now, the brand is debuting HEINZ Tomato Blood Ketchup for more spooky fun.

“Families have had to navigate a lot this year, and Halloween is no exception,” said Shelly Hayden, brand manager, HEINZ Ketchup. “With HEINZ Tomato Blood Ketchup, we want to give families a fun way to go big with their spooky celebrations, even if they look a little different in 2020.”

The limited-edition bottles are filled with the delicious, thick & rich HEINZ Ketchup fans know and love in a spooky Halloween-themed bottle that even vampires would envy.

From now until Oct. 31 at 11:59 p.m. CT, HEINZ is giving away 570 bottles of HEINZ Tomato Blood Ketchup to those who participate in a TikTok Hashtag Challenge launching Fri., Oct. 23. To get in on the spooky fun, fans can head to TikTok and submit a Halloween-themed video featuring a bottle of HEINZ Ketchup and using #HeinzHalloween and #Sweepstakes, and entering their video information on HeinzHalloween.com. 

Fans can follow along on TikTok to see how HEINZ is helping people celebrate Halloween.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of HEINZ

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During my OB/GYN residency back in 1975, we were taught that home births with midwives were bad and hospital births with a physician were good. But I have learned over the last 46 years that hospital births are not necessarily safe or good, and that home births are not necessarily risky or bad. What matters is who does the delivery, where will the delivery be done, and how will the delivery be done.

If you are wondering which may be right for you, consider these questions.

1. Would you be more comfortable at home or in the hospital? Did you know that anxiety can interfere with labor? Consider whether you would be more comfortable delivering at home or in a hospital. It is not uncommon for labor to stop for a while when women check into a hospital for a delivery. If labor stops for any length of time, your obstetrician may want to begin induction processes to speed things up because of the 24-hour membrane rupture rule and to appease the payers. I have always tried to manage patient anxiety by promoting confidence and comfort in my patients, giving them the same autonomy and respect they would have at home within the safety of the hospital.

2. Do you want to make decisions or have input about delivery? The big problem with hospital births is the loss of autonomy, which starts with your insurance company telling you which doctor you may see and which hospital you may go to. Furthermore, you will get a predefined number of visits and tests, with insurance companies continually trying to cut costs by decreasing the number of paid-for visits. Many insurance companies do not cover the services of midwives, but midwives generally see their patients more often than most obstetricians, at least with low-risk pregnancies. Joy Huff, who survived a blood infection in 2013, told NPR that “My best advice for getting a professional to listen is to keep searching for one that is willing to listen. … I was not aware of my right to change providers until it was too late.”

3. Are you comfortable with medical interventions? If you want a delivery with the least amount of technological intervention, you will probably need to work with a midwife and have a home birth. Many people feel that birth is a natural process and should be allowed to progress without a lot of technological intervention. In a hospital, even with a “natural” delivery, you will probably have an IV, monitors, a blood pressure machine, and a Foley catheter.

Walking is good for natural labor, but in a hospital hooked up to numerous pieces of electronic equipment, this is difficult. On the other hand, some mothers like the idea of having an obstetrician decide on an induction delivery date. 

Additionally, midwives do not do C-sections but you should ask how many patients a midwife has sent to the hospital for complications which resulted in a C-section. Besides asking your obstetrician what their C-section rate is, you should also find out how high the C-section rate is for the hospital. If you opt for a hospital delivery, you want a hospital and an obstetrician with a low C-section rate.

5. What is the Infant or maternal deaths for your doctor/hospital/midwife? Ask your doctor about their infant and maternal mortality rates. Also ask how many C-hysterectomies they have had to perform to stop a post-partum hemorrhage. Ask your midwife about infant and maternal mortality rates too. Just be aware that when midwives send patients to the hospital because of complications, whatever bad outcomes emerge will be assigned to either the doctor or the midwife, and there is no consistency in how this is done. It sometimes happens that when a midwife sends a patient to a hospital because of complications, any infant or maternal death in the hospital can be attributed to the midwife instead of the hospital obstetrician. These numbers are not always reliable.

6. Are you low risk and live close to a hospital? The issue between a hospital and home birth is really that the hospital is a safer place in case of an obstetrical emergency such as hemorrhage. Dr. Neda Ghaffari specializes in high-risk pregnancies. She will tell you, though, that “It’s very hard to determine which patients are going to have an obstetric emergency.”  Dr. Ghaffari recommends that if a woman with a low-risk pregnancy chooses a home birth that she lives within 15 minutes of a hospital. If she has had a previous C-section, is carrying twins, or has a breech baby, she should opt for a hospital birth. 

7. What is your blood type? Recent studies show that those with the O blood type may have some additional protection against COVID-19, so those with this blood type may be safer making the choice to deliver in a hospital during this pandemic if that is their preference.

From my perspective, we need to combine the concept of the hospital and home birth. We should create specialty birthing hospitals so there is the hospital safety net, with nurses, doctors, and an operating room combined with the autonomy, comfort, voluntariness, and respect that mothers would get with a midwife at a home birth. Ideally, the labor, delivery, recovery, and post-partum should actually be like home, not just give the appearance of a home with pretty drapes and wall coverings. By doing so, we could make the choice of birthing location easier for mothers on both sides of the home vs. hospital conversation.

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

You won’t even need Floo powder to get to Diagon Alley. Harry Potter fans will be transported to the most magical shopping street in the world. Now you can build and create the iconic street in your own home. 

LEGO Diagon Alley

Diagon Alley is where Harry Potter gets his first glimpse of the wizarding world as Hagrid guides him through the shops. This new LEGO set brings the two worlds together in a magical hybrid, a rich and versatile display model, with a modularity aspect that allows fans to choose how to display the shops. You can choose to set them up all in a row, swap them around, or even place individual shops on different shelves.   

LEGO Diagon Alley

Measuring more than a meter wide and made up of  5,544 pieces, LEGO Diagon Alley features the famed wizarding world shops packed with authentic details from the movies to truly capture the ambience of the street.  

LEGO Diagon Alley

 

Behind magnificent and detailed storefronts lie intriguing interiors, fascinating features and familiar characters. Fans can recreate some of their favourite moments from the Harry Potter film series including; discovering the wands at Ollivanders from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone dropping in on Gilderoy Lockhart’s book-signing event at Flourish & Blotts bookstore from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; or obtaining a love potion from Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  

Marcos Bessa, LEGO Harry Potter Design Lead, commented: “I love how faithful the final design is to the architectural details in the film. You can barely see some of these buildings zooming past your screen, but we tracked down different photographs from the sets – some of them from nearly 20 years ago – to make sure everything is spot on. Diagon Alley is the biggest set I’ve designed to-date and I am really proud of how it has come together.”  

LEGO Diagon Alley

The set also includes 14 minifigures, including new versions of lead characters Harry, Ron, Hermione and of course George and Fred Weasley who have their own joke shop in Diagon Alley.  There are also minifigures of Florean Fortescue and the Daily Prophet photographer, who have never been seen in LEGO form before. 

The LEGO Harry Potter Diagon Alley set is available directly from LEGO Stores and www.LEGO.com/EnterTheMagic from Sept. 1, 2020. It retails for $399.99.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of LEGO

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Editor’s note: Any medical advice presented here is expressly the views of the writer and Red Tricycle cannot verify any claims made. Please consult with your healthcare provider about what works best for you.

When I started to suspect I had an ovulatory disorder that meant my progesterone levels weren’t rising properly after ovulation, I went to my doctor and asked for a supplement. Although he was reluctant, he prescribed it for me. A couple of cycles later, I was pregnant and gave birth to my beautiful daughter who is now 6. But after my experience, I discovered there was a significant lack of knowledge in women’s health surrounding low progesterone and supplementation. Many women and their doctors did not understand or believe in the power of progesterone.

Unfortunately, some misconceptions are still common today. Read on to understand more about progesterone, why it’s important, and two common misconceptions that could be preventing women from uncovering what could be an easy fix.   

Why Is Progesterone Important?  

Progesterone is the hormone released after ovulation. It is required to prepare the uterus to receive an embryo, should conception have occurred and is essential to have adequate levels of progesterone for a long enough period of time after ovulation for a successful pregnancy.

What is misunderstood, however, is that a common problem with ovulation typically manifests as progesterone deficiency. Many doctors question if low progesterone is a real diagnosis and whether or not adding progesterone supplements can actually help.

Misconception #1: Studies Show Progesterone Supplements Don’t Help Fix Problems with Ovulation.

When I asked my doctor for a progesterone supplement, he gave it to me—not because he thought it would work, but because taking the supplement wouldn’t harm me. This lack of faith in the effectiveness of progesterone supplements stems from a study conducted in 2016. This study followed 836 women. When a woman got a positive pregnancy test, half were given vaginal progesterone and the other half were given nothing. Live birth rates were only 2% higher in the progesterone supplement group. So, the study concluded that progesterone supplementation didn’t really help.

But this experiment was flawed. Basic biology tells us that progesterone is required to prepare the uterine lining for implantation—which is why it is released by the ovary right after ovulation. So, by the time a woman got a positive pregnancy test, the embryo had likely already implanted. Providing progesterone after confirmed pregnancy was almost “too late” since progesterone is critically needed to prepare the uterus for conception. This study was highly publicized when it was published, so the information spread widely to doctors and women.

In 2017, another study was published. In this experiment, women were given progesterone at the start of their luteal phase (3 days after ovulation) so that they were able to have high levels before implantation and getting a positive pregnancy test. The results of this study showed a 17% increase in live birth rates. 

In fact, there are many studies that show progesterone supplementation starting after ovulation increases live birth rates. So when supplementing, it’s important to mimic the time when the body would have released progesterone as well—which is right after ovulation, not after implantation has already occurred. 

Misconception #2: A Blood Test Is the Best & Only Way to Confirm Ovulation. 

If you suspect you have a lack of ovulation or suboptimal ovulation (i.e. a progesterone deficiency), your doctor may order a day-21 progesterone blood test. A day-21 blood test aims to measure progesterone at the point in your cycle when it should be the highest—seven days after ovulation (given ovulation occurs on day 14). However, there are a few reasons a blood test can fall short. 

First, a day-21 blood test assumes you ovulate on day 14 of your cycle. But, every cycle is different in length, so one woman may ovulate before or after day 14. When this happens, progesterone still should be high seven days after ovulation, but that may not necessarily occur exactly on the 21st day of your cycle. This means that you could get a negative result when in reality, your progesterone is fine. Additionally, a one point in time measurement doesn’t always show the full picture. In my case, progesterone levels would rise, then fall a bit too quickly to be considered “healthy”. I would get a positive day-21 test and doctors would think I was fine, but my progesterone levels weren’t actually adequate over time. 

Second, progesterone is secreted into the blood in pulses. Studies have shown that serum progesterone levels can fluctuate eight times in the course of a single day. So, progesterone can range from 3-30 ng/ml, depending on what time of day you draw blood. This makes it extremely difficult for doctors to know if the amount of serum progesterone in your blood draw is actually enough to support successful conception. At 8 a.m., your progesterone levels could look great, but at 4 p.m., they could be low. 

So, what does this all mean for you? 

The most important thing for you to do is stay informed and ask your doctor the right questions. The good news is that there are other ways to confirm successful ovulation at home so that you can understand this important piece of the fertility puzzle! 

After progesterone circulates through the blood, it is then passed into the liver where it is metabolized and secreted into urine as PdG (Pregnanediol Glucuronide). Studies have shown that PdG levels, first thing in morning urine show an average of the serum progesterone levels from the day before. Because PdG shows an average, this makes it a better way to measure the overall progesterone production after ovulation. Add to this, testing PdG through urine is non-invasive, it’s simple to track levels over several days, allowing for a more complete ovulation picture. 

Understanding the importance of progesterone and the most effective ways to test for it can empower you with valuable information and help your better advocate for yourself on your TTC journey.

I'm Amy Beckley. After my experiences with pregnancy loss and IVF I used my PhD in Pharmacology to create MFB Fertility, Inc. and invented the Proov test in my basement, which now allows women to confirm successful ovulation by tracking PdG in 5 minutes, at home. I want to empower women.

During pregnancy, expectant mothers go above and beyond to ensure the health and safety of their unborn children. Everything comes under diligent scrutiny, from what they eat to what skincare products they use and everything in between. If you’re expecting, this probably sounds very familiar to you! What is unfamiliar to pregnant women everywhere, however—regardless of whether this is their first pregnancy—is the “X factor” of the coronavirus pandemic.

How can you protect yourself and your pregnancy during the COVID-19 outbreak? Here are some essential things to add to your pregnancy-care regimen and protect your pregnancy with these 5 tips.

 

1. Get a pulse oximeter: Hypoxemia (a below-normal level of oxygen in your blood) is one of the signs of serious illness with COVID-19. You can pick up a pulse oximeter for around $50 and take regular readings of your pulse and oxygen saturation. Get a baseline so that you know if something looks off. A baseline for healthy people is 90 or higher. When we see below 90, we start getting concerned.

2. Check for fever: Whether you have a fancy new thermometer that reads from the forehead or an old-school glass one where the mercury rises, take your temperature regularly to make sure you aren’t experiencing a fever.

3. Keep surfaces tidy for easy cleaning: Keeping tidy may not seem like a health tip for pregnancy, but in the days of COVID-19 it absolutely is. You want the surfaces in your home to be able to easily be wiped down and disinfected frequently—at least once a day.

4. If you choose to travel, choose safely: For example, you might choose to visit a loved one in a remote rural town with few to no COVID-19 cases, but don’t travel somewhere that you’ll be interacting with a lot of people. 

5. Keep your distance: How close is too close? Can you smell the other person’s detergent, deodorant, or shampoo? That’s too close! And for some extra protection when you are going to be around other people, wear a mask. It’s an additional safety measure that can only help you and your baby.

Along with the healthy eating and label reading you’re already doing, adding these tips as “must-dos” to your pregnancy care will help you protect the health and safety of your unborn child. Plus, it will also help you to breathe easier and relax into your pregnancy as much as you can. Knowing you’re creating the safest, happiest, and healthiest environment for yourself and your baby will provide some comfort and peace of mind during this uncertain time in history.

 

 

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

Get your little ones excited to read this summer. Parents magazine’s August “Raise a Reader” issue features its first-ever list of 100 Books to Inspire Your Kids covering a wide range of titles to help turn children of all ages into readers. To create the list, Parents asked celebrated authors to share the book that opened their children’s eyes to the joy of reading. 

child reading

The issue’s cover story features NBC’s TODAY co-host Jenna Bush Hager. Hager shares with readers how literacy has shaped her life. Other features of the issue include tips on how to Raise a Child Who Loves to Read and the announcement of Raising the Future Book Club which launches on Aug. 7.

The book club’s first selection is Antiracist Baby by Ibram X. Kendi, Ph.D. Kendi will lead a discussion of the book on Parent’s Instagram on Aug 7 at 3 p.m. ET. Visit http://parents.com/bookclub for more information. 

The new book club is part of Parents “Raising the Future” long-term initiative aimed as diversifying the voices and representation in its content and delivering more of the advice families need to nurture a generation of good people.

Parents Editor-in-Chief Julia Edelstein writes in her August issue Editor’s Letter, “If we want the world to change—and for our children to be the changemakers—we must embrace stories from more than one point of view.”.

Highlights from the list of 100 Books to Inspire Your Kids, along with the authors who selected them follow:

  • Encyclopedia Brown series, by Donald J. Sobol (ages 8 to 12)—selected by Nic Stone, author of Clean Getaway
  • In the Night Kitchen, by Maurice Sendak (ages 4 to 8)—selected by Jenna Bush Hager, coauthor of Sisters First
  • The Little Grey Men, by B.B. (ages 8 to 12)—selected by actor Julie Andrews, author of Home Work: A Memoir of My Hollywood Years
  • Magic Tree House series, by Mary Pope Osborne (ages 7 to 12)—selected by Tomi Adeyemi, author of Children of Blood and Bone
  • Miracle’s Boys, by Jacqueline Woodson (ages 10+)—selected by Elizabeth Acevedo, author of The Poet X
  • Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank (ages 10)—selected by Lesléa Newman, author of Heather Has Two Mommies
  • Bridge to Terabithia, by Katherine Paterson (ages 9+)—selected by actor Neil Patrick Harris, author of The Magic Misfits: The Fourth Suit
  • Chrysanthemum, by Kevin Henkes (ages 4 to 8)—selected by Meg Medina, author of Merci Suárez Changes Gears
  • Frederick, by Leo Lionni (ages 3 to 7)—selected by Dan Santat, author of The Adventures of Beekle
  • Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry, by Mildred D. Taylor (ages 11+)—selected by Angie Thomas, author of The Hate U Give
  • Baby Island, by Carol Ryrie Brink (ages 9 to 12)—selected by Ann M. Martin, author of the Baby-Sitters Club series
  • Ramona series, by Beverly Cleary (ages 8-12)—selected by Rainbow Rowell, author of Eleanor & Park; Daniel Handler, author of A Series of Unfortunate Events; and Kevin Henkes, author of The Year of Billy Miller
  • Before the Mayflower by Lerone Bennett Jr. (ages 10+)—selected by Derrick Barnes, author of I Am Every Good Thing

For the full list of 100 books selected by noteworthy authors and celebrities, visit https://www.parents.com/100books.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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It has been over two months since I have written a blog post. I wish I could say that it’s because I was having so much fun with my family during this global pandemic that I didn’t have time to write.

But that would be a lie.

I have seen so many women posting about how wonderful quarantine has been at home with their families. That even though things have gotten rough, they are making it through and coming out on the other side of this a much better person overall. They have succulents and do crafts with their kids.

And I wish I had been doing those things.

But, to be completely honest, I am just trying to make it out of this mess of a world in one piece.

Disclaimer: Don’t tell me to look on the bright side after reading this. I have been. I am making the most of all this. But I also know that this hasn’t been easy on anyone and let’s stop lying and say we’re 100% okay.

Look at the last three months of our lives. It’s been a true clusterf*ck. Everything was cancelled. Literally everything.

I was supposed to go to a Backstreet Boys concert with my sister this fall and it has been rescheduled for 2021. I don’t know if Backstreet will be making it back. They are older than me and I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

But back to the real world. The crappy one we have been living in. I can’t even take my kids to a playground.

I can’t run an errand when it’s just me and the boys because I can’t take them into the store with me, but I also can’t leave them in the car because DCBS would get called.

And then, finally this Coronavirus was starting to get a little better and things were easing up and everyone goes out and people start getting sick again.

Sending our kids to school in the fall will be like sending them into a spaceship of plastic in tiny hazmat suits. Kind of like that Flight of the Navigator movie from my early nineties childhood.

THEN some douche dongle decides to murder an innocent black man in cold blood with people yelling at him to stop and the crowd filming the entire incident.

And that’s when the world went up into flames. I decided to educate myself about racism and realized that as a privileged 35-year old woman living in a mid-size, mostly white town in Kentucky, that I had been unknowingly judging people because of the color of their skin.

That was absolutely embarrassing and it’s hard to admit because it feels so dirty. But now I know and am learning more and have realized that black lives matter and some people that call themselves Christians are still racist.

Disclaimer: I will get about 7 hateful emails because of the comment above.

So not much has happened over the last three months. Just chillin’ with my fam on the back porch.

Can we all just admit it?

This has absolutely been one of the hardest times in my entire life. I have been trying to balance all this change with raising two young boys, working and trying to be a good wife.

My husband had his entire baseball team’s season cancelled and was absolutely crushed for the ten seniors that were on the team this year. At least five, maybe six now, have been signed to play baseball in college. Logan, I just want you to know I am proud of the coach you are.

On the other side, I have been working full time at the office and Logan has been taking care of the kids while working from home.

And the sum of all that craziness showed us that marriage isn’t easy.

I never talk about our marriage on here, but this pandemic and the chain of events following have made us realize how much work it is to make a marriage work and that we have to spend time together communicating every day. It can be hard because we are both tired and frustrated and want our lives to feel a small bit of normalcy again but it’s worth it.

So yeah, unicorns and rainbows over here.

Oh, and I need someone to potty train my two-year old but that would just be pouring gasoline on this dumpster fire right now. His poop is the size of my arm and it’s getting so gross but he is not showing interest. So I will continue letting him wear big boy underwear over his diaper.

So let’s take a vow that we will start being honest about how we are feeling. I have been having a hard time. Lots of anxiety. And I just realized it because I had been lying to myself that everything was great and that life hasn’t thrown me a curveball of poop that was on fire.

Until next time, which is hopefully sooner rather than later.

Jamie

This post originally appeared on Hashtagmomfail.com.

I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

Being I spent my whole life trying to be tough. Trying to be strong. I learned early my sensitivity was seen as a weakness. I learned to suck it up, cry later. Take a joke. Get even instead of getting hurt. I learned strength was hardness, coldness. 

I learned that competitiveness was strength. Winning an argument showed strength. Winning a game showed strength. Being angry when you didn’t win showed strength.  I learned that asking for help was a weakness. Charity was always re-payed, in full. People weren’t allowed to do nice things for us without compensation. ​Independence was the ultimate sign of strength. 

I learned that physical strength and a strong stomach was strength. Being tough was hauling hay with the boys, handling a horse on your own, hunting, butchering an animal, wringing a pheasant’s neck, gutting fish, baiting your own hook. Being tough was work without complaint.

I was tough. For years I was tough. I swallowed my tears. I held back my hurt. I was hard, cold, competitive. I was independent. I was offended when a man tried to tell me I didn’t need to do that “dirty farm work.” I’d work even harder to prove him wrong. I helped castrate animals, de-horn, and brand cattle, I pushed myself physically just to prove I could. Just to prove I was tough. I volunteered my time and my talents too often and too much. I refused to delegate because I was capable, I could do it on my own. I voiced my opinion, I became a leader, a doer. 

i was strong.

I was tough. 

And then I wasn’t. 

I fell apart.

My strength cracked and crumbled away, and I finally saw it for what it was, an exterior, a shield. I stopped trying to be strong. For a very long time, I sank into my weakness. And that is where I learned what real strength was. 

My husband and I have three amazing daughters. (And another one on the way!) We are trying to teach them to be tough little girls. We’re teaching them to be independent. We’re teaching them to work hard. They can do the dirty jobs. They know where their food comes from. They aren’t afraid of blood or birth. They understand death. But they are also learning what true strength is. 

They’re learning that true strength is being able to ask for help, admitting your faults, and apologizing for your mistakes. Real strength is setting boundaries, saying no, protecting yourself, your energy, time, and mental health. Real strength is accepting your sensitivity as a gift. Strength is learning from your emotions. Being tough is loving yourself. Being tough is loving others. Being tough is forgiveness and letting go. Strength is listening, seeking to understand. Strength is knowing you deserve respect and demanding it. Being strong is being authentic. I thought I was a tough little girl that grew up into a strong woman until I painfully discovered I was neither. But in all that pain and weakness I re-learned what real strength was. And now I am strong. I am strong from the inside out. And because I am strong, I can raise tough little girls that will become strong women. 

This post originally appeared on My Peace Project.

Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.