ML Interest Tag: disappointment

Want to Raise Respectful Kids? Then You Need to Do This First

By Florence Ann Romano

When I was little, I always knew I was in trouble by the size of my mother’s eyes. If I did something wrong, her eyes widened to reveal every inch of white and her disappointment. My Mom was never a yeller—she always spoke in an even tone, and communicated very well about what we needed to correct regarding our behavior or attitude. I believe the way she reacted taught me and my siblings many lessons about respect.

Remember respect? I feel like this is a lost virtue in the world today, especially between children and adults. Somehow we have communicated to children that they are equal with adults, and I don’t know about you, but that’s not the world I grew up in! We were taught to respect our elders; to learn from our elders.

Now, let me clarify: respecting our elders does NOT mean we teach our children to not respect themselves, or suppress their voices or discourage them from even finding their voices. Respect is something we have to teach by example, and once that is accomplished, respect should be a mutual dance that is done easily and instinctively. But, it starts in the sandbox. And it starts with you.

First, it’s gut-check time: how are you showing your children what respect means and what respect is? I am a visual learner, and I believe most kids are. You want to show them how to treat people, not just tell them. As a parent or caretaker, let’s take inventory of how you treat your friends, family, strangers, etc? More importantly, how do you treat others when you don’t agree with them?

I see parents yelling at the TV because they’re watching the news and they disagree with commentators. To think your kids aren’t watching you, hearing you, or taking in your energy is shortsighted. That moment, as small as you may think it is, speaks volumes. What you are teaching your child, as they watch your emotions get the best of you, is that if you disagree with someone or something, you can yell/scream/cuss—whatever you want because you “feel like it.”

I understand that we can’t edit our reactions, nor should we try and suppress emotions, but I do believe we need to teach our children that there is a right and wrong way to react and to communicate our feelings. Perhaps they are just getting in tussles on the playground right now, but they will have bigger problems later in life that you need to prepare them for now. They will be faced with challenging moments that stress them out; hurt them; incite them, etc. It’s our job to give them the tools to react to whatever arena they’re dropped in with the self-respect, and respect of others, that they and we all deserve.

This may sound like a daunting task what I am asking, but if you step back, I am not asking anything from you that isn’t basic: it comes down to manners. Saying “please,” “thank you,” “pardon me,” “I appreciate you,” etc. We need to give our kids this language and we need to remember to practice it, too. Holding doors for people, being a helper when we see someone in need, approaching people from a place of empathy and compassion, etc—these are all lessons we need to teach our children, and the only way to successfully do that is by showing them how we treat others and how we treat them. Yes, you read that right—treating our children with respect is how they learn to respect themselves and respect others.

We also have to be mindful of our village: the people influencing our children. Maybe this is extended family, grandparents, friends, teachers, or even our children’s friends. You are the company you keep, as they say. This is yet another lesson our kids need to learn from the jump. If they hang around troublemakers, chances are they are going to get into more mischief. You can’t always control who your children choose as friends, but you certainly need to be paying attention to it. Sometimes your child’s behavior, especially if erratic or if you’re seeing changes over time, is being influenced by something or, more likely, someone.

If you ever witness your children’s friends being disrespectful, I give you permission to step in. I am not telling you to spank or punish, but you certainly have the authority to let that child know that there are rules in your house and specific behavior won’t be tolerated. Of course, there is a fine line we don’t want to cross when it comes to correcting or disciplining other people’s children, but try to remember that you’re measuring it based on the values of your home. It’s simple: either they align with your values or they don’t. And, if they don’t, then maybe that friendship isn’t meant to be.

Regardless of your definition of respect, there is one thing we can all agree on: we want the best for our kids, and we want to raise them to be kind and spread it. The way to do that? Respect.

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Florence Ann Romano
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Florence Ann Romano, The Windy City Nanny™ (WindyCityNanny.com), is an author, philanthropist and web series star/host who has always had a special place in her heart for children. 

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How You Can Help Your Child Handle Disappointment

By Jamie Edelbrock

I get excited when I see social media posts in the United States about people gathering, friends hugging and going to the grocery store without wearing masks. My social media feeds are finally filling up with concerts, parties, and vacations. July 4th looked considerably different in 2021 versus 2020. 2020 was rough and consisted of lockdowns, endless bad news about COVID-19, limited celebrations, and few get-togethers. Thankfully 2021 featured an abundance of BBQs, parades, get-togethers, and exploding fireworks that matched the excitement in everyone’s hearts as they finally get back to normal.

While this is a reality for many of the world, it is not for many expatriates overseas. Where I live specifically, the COVID-19 numbers have been higher than they’ve ever been the past five days, and new restrictions, including a lockdown, have been mandated. It feels like a repeat of 2020 but with far worse statistics.

I had to explain to my daughters that for the next few weeks, and likely the remainder of their summer, they would be inside. No more pool, no more water parks, no more malls, no more restaurants—there were all closed. On top of that, we don’t know what school will look like in the fall, but we know it won’t be back to normal.

Oof. Talk about a heavy heart and major disappointment. While most of the world is taking steps forward, we are moving backward here in southeast Asia.

Life is full of disappointments, and those disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. It could be something as simple as not getting what they expected for their birthday or not being in the same class as one of their best friends. Or, in this case, likely not returning to in-person school and embarking on yet another year of virtual school. Learning how to navigate simple disappointments at a young age will help children build resiliency tools to handle the bigger disappointments in life.

So how do we teach children to handle disappointment well? Start with these simple tips.

1. Listen & Empathize

When you listen to understand, you are letting your child that you care. And it’s ok, to be honest with how you’re feeling too! This will let your child know that they are not alone in how they are feeling.

2. Guide Expectations

It’s tempting to sugarcoat the situation to minimize the sadness. However, that could lead to more disappointment. Instead, be your child’s mentor. Tell them what to expect next and then help guide them through whatever the situation may be.

3. Learn Self Calming Skills

When a child gets disappointed, they often get sad or angry. Learning breathing exercises and grounding techniques are great ways to center, calm down, and refocus. These are helpful for adults as well!

4. Remind Them of What They Can Control

Kids tend to feel out of control when they are disappointed, so it’s good to remind them that they won’t feel this way forever and that there are some things they can control. Attitude and mindsets are great places to start. Some other examples include:

  • They can’t see their friends in person, but they can still be social by connecting over facetime or zoom.
  • They can’t meet with their piano teacher, but they can still practice the piano.
  • Their favorite flavor of ice cream is out, but they can choose another flavor.

5. Practice Gratitude

There are many benefits to showing gratitude. Studies show that expressing gratitude positively affects your health, mindset, and relationships. Working with your child to make a list of things you’re both thankful for is an excellent way to practice gratitude.

Remember, big or small, experiencing disappointment at times in life is inevitable. So, the next time playdates are canceled, they don’t make the team, or their recipe didn’t turn out as they expected, remind your child of everything they’ve already overcome and help them through the disappointment they’re facing right now. Doing so will strengthen their mental and emotional health and prepare them for whatever life throws their way—it may even help you, too!

This post originally appeared on www.jamieedelbrock.com.
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Jamie is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful daughters. Through years of experience working with children, and raising her own, she knows how difficult parenting can be. She is an advocate for children's mental health and is best known for her creativity, optimism, and kind heart.

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5 Ways to Support Your Little Perfectionist

By Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen

Do you know that voice inside your head that says you “messed up,” or you “aren’t good enough?” Maybe it says other not-so-kind things, too. Most of us are familiar with the experience of having a voice inside that can be hard on us—this can be called “our inner critic.”

Adults and children alike can experience an internal battle with our inner critic. Sometimes our inner critics can get very loud, leading to feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Most of us don’t love feeling guilt or shame so we find strategies to avoid these feelings. One of these strategies is perfectionism. Perfectionism is when parts of us want things to be just right in order to avoid some type of negative outcome. Sometimes what we are trying to avoid is internal self-blame, other times it’s criticism or blame from others. Still, other times it’s because we are trying to avoid the disappointment of things not going as we had planned.

Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. As we work to be perfect in an “imperfect” world, we are bound to hit some challenges along the way. Here are some signs of perfectionism:

  • Feeling badly about something unless over 100% effort is given

  • Difficulty starting tasks

  • Procrastination

  • Avoiding situations that could end in failure

  • Being highly critical of one’s self

  • Difficulty coping with making mistakes

  • Struggling with shame/embarrassment

  • Struggling with self-doubt

  • Struggling with appearing vulnerable

  • Focusing strongly on outcomes or end-results

The signs above can apply to both children and adults. Do you see any that you recognize? Sometimes it can be hard to pick up on perfectionistic tendencies in young children. Younger children may show perfectionism less verbally, and more in how they behave in certain situations. For instance:

  • Having frequent meltdowns when they make a mistake

  • Expressing embarrassment or shame when they get hurt

  • Working hard to avoid disappointing others

  • Struggling with making choices

  • Avoiding trying new things or starting tasks

  • Constantly asking for adult help for tasks they are able to do themselves.

To be clear these signs need to be taken into context as there are other reasons children may show these behaviors, but it can be helpful to begin to notice what is triggering to each child. If it seems like it may be along with the themes of “making mistakes” or having things be “just so,” perfectionism may be what you are seeing. If we notice these things early, we can start to support children to learn self-acceptance.

So what can you do if you notice a child struggling with perfectionism or their own inner-critic? Moving towards self-acceptance can help find ways of welcoming all parts of us, just the way they are. Try some of these ideas for supporting self-acceptance at home:

Here are some ideas for supporting perfectionist kiddos at home:

1. Celebrate strengths. Even perfectionism has its positive sides. Make sure your child understands that you appreciate them just the way they are.

2. Model positive self-talk. When you make a mistake, watch what you say to yourself. Model for your child how to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.

3. Welcome all feelings. When we welcome anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between we send the message that being human is okay! Sometimes we aren’t at our best or say things in anger, and we can work through those things.

4. Teach Repair. Sometimes shame and self-criticism can be strong for children because they don’t know “how to make it right.” Let your children know that there is always something we can try to do to make it right.

5. Try open-ended games and art. Try offering games, activities, and opportunities that don’t just have one right answer. This openness can take the pressure off and allow for more creativity, joy and relaxation throughout the day.

For even more support in tackling perfectionism, introduce Yak, a new Slumberkins creature whose story teaches the concepts of self-acceptance, perfectionism and perseverance by reminding little ones that they are enough, just as they are. Reading Yak’s book with your little one and practicing the self-acceptance affirmation can help your child take risks and understand that it’s okay to not be perfect at something the first time they try it.

This post originally appeared on www.slumberkins.com.
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

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Henry Golding & Wife Liv Lo Welcome Their First Child

by Erica Loop

When you think of Henry Golding the word dad may not immediately come to mind. Even though he made a major name for himself as the over-the-top handsome, yet down to Earth for an uber-rich guy, love interest of Crazy Rich Asians, IRL Golding is now a devoted dad.

The Crazy Rich Asians star and wife Liv Lo welcomed their newborn last week. Golding recently posted a sweet Instagram pic of himself, Lo, and their new baby, captioning the black and white photo, “This woman right here. Beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Your strength brought us our greatest joy. Thank you, I love you.”

 

The actor’s wife also posted her own birth-day pics, sharing photos of herself at the hospital and in labor. Lo added, “On March 31st our lives changed forever. Link in bio of leaving Instagram for #maternityleave (for the time being). I’ll prob be up during midnight breastfeeds checking in on you, but otherwise “I’ll be back” xx.”

Lo, a fitness instructor and wellness entrepreneur, wrote about her decision to take time off after giving birth on her Fit Sphere website, “This simple knowing, that I can return to work and the world when I am ready gives me the power to direct my attention to what is most important to me. 40 days, or about 6 weeks postpartum, is the first postpartum exam with your OBGYN. Until this clearance happens I am not keen to get back to work or sharing with the world how I am feeling. This may come as a shock or disappointment; however, in my self-reflection, it has become clear that I need to set these boundaries for myself and my family.”

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: Andrea Raffin / Shutterstock.com

 

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No Matter How Hard It Is for You

By Vesna Mitrevska

You have to grieve – I already have – for years, alone  

While others just told me pleasantries and how they’ll pray for me,

I know there will be no wedding dances with my sons,

I know there won’t be any grandkids

But you, you don’t.

 

You still envision driving,

You still envision college,

You still envision careers.

You still envision words.

Words that have meaning, and that aren’t just parts of songs.

 

Being hopeful is one thing,

Being unrealistic is not.

 

Because the college fund is now a special needs trust,

And my career is over,

And my home is destroyed every single day,

And this isn’t the life I envisioned, but it’s the one I live every day.

 

And no matter the amount of therapy, there are no guarantees.

And all I want is for my children to be happy, even if it’s at home with me until I die.

And all I think about is who will take care of them when I’m gone, and if they’ll be taken advantage of or treated badly wherever they are.

 

It’s not doom and gloom because I am the proudest mom for the tiniest accomplishments,

Because I know how hard they had to work for them.

While others look at them and think they’re nothing,

They aren’t enough,

They aren’t words.

Because they didn’t grieve.

 

Every look in the eye gives me butterflies,

Every point excites me,

Every time a computerized voice talks to me, I understand that it’s him and how he will be able to tell me anything right now.

Every interaction with other children makes my heart skip a beat,

Every good report from school makes me so proud,

And that’s what you’re missing out on when you don’t grieve.

 

You can’t appreciate the littlest things when you’re still expecting the biggest.

And that eventual failure will only set you up for future disappointment.

And they don’t want you to be disappointed in them when they’re trying so hard just to live.

To live in a world not made for them.

A world too loud, and too bright, and too colorful.

 

They don’t need that added pressure.

Because I assure you, no matter how hard you think it is for you,

It’s so much harder for them.

Vesna is a 37 year old single mom to two little autistic boys, a pharmacist, and likes to share her love of make up in her spare time. 

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The Surprising Way to Calm Down Your Kids (& It Only Takes 7 Minutes)

by Erin Lem

It doesn’t take much to wind up our kids to the point they’re furiously running loops around our house (and us). Instead of just crossing your fingers their frenzied energy doesn’t end in tears, turn to the Calm app. They just teamed up with Apple TV+ to co-create a series of guided meditations just for kids inspired by Apple’s show, Stillwater.

Each meditation is a kid-friendly seven minutes long, meaning it’s ideal for short attention spans. Narrated by James Sie, each short meditation features an exercise meant to calm their mind and is followed up by a story illuminating a classic parable. Apple TV+ and Calm tell us that Stillwater executive producer Rob Hoegee worked with Tamara Levitt, Calm’s Head of Mindfulness, to write the meditations with Stillwater mindfulness consultant Mallika Chopra.

So far Calm has released three original meditations:

1. Rainy Day—Stillwater shows kids how to manage disappointment by tuning into sounds with a meditation on the rainfall in his garden.

2. Stargazing—Settle down and relax at bedtime. Stillwater guides kids through a soothing body scan under a canopy of stars.

3. Windchimes—Develop feelings of kindness. Stillwater teaches little ones how to fill up with friendliness for themselves and others.

Each guided meditation aims to teach lessons like how to be kind and manage disappointment, while also setting them up to relax and settle their bodies and minds.

The three-part series is based on the Apple TV+ show, Stillwater, which debuted in December. The show is based on the popular “Zen Shorts” book series by Jon J. Muth, which tells the story of the friendship formed between siblings Karl, Addy and Michael and their next-door neighbor, the wise panda Stillwater.

Learn more here.

—Erin Lem

photos: Calm and Apple TV+

 

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Dear Kids, I Hope You Never Thank Me for This

By Melanie Forstall

Photo: Melanie Forstall

I recently saw a young teen publicly thank his parents on social media. It wasn’t a generic, thanks-for-all-that-you-do, kind of post. This one stopped me in my tracks. This specific nod to the parents was, “Thank you for giving me everything I want.”

My first few thoughts lingered around the possibility that this was a status symbol of sorts, enjoyed by everyone involved with giving this child everything he wanted. It rang similar to the current requirement on social media that families need to be super busy. If families today aren’t completely overscheduled, their status is somehow less than. I guess, maybe, if a parent gives a child everything he or she wants, somehow that raises their false status, too?

My husband and I are far less concerned with status, and way more concerned with raising kind, happy kids who will hopefully grow up to be emotionally resilient adults. Probably why this post stood out to me. Neither of us want to give our kids everything they want.

Our kids are talented swimmers. Our daughter, specifically is not only talented, she’s also a very hard worker. She’s willing to practice as much as she needs to remain a strong competitor as well as be a valued member of her team. As a middle schooler, she sets personal goals and works hard to reach them.

This season, her goal was to swim the individual medley (IM). This is a tough race: 100 yards, 1 lap of each stroke, a total of 4 laps. Her goal was to swim it competitively under 2 minutes. After a few weeks of practice, she swam it and exceeded her goal. Next, she set her sights on the championship meet at the end of the month. Before that though, she wanted one more race experience so she requested her coaches pace her in the IM for the next meet.

The day arrived for the meet placements and she was left out of the IM. She looked a bit worried, so I encouraged her to go and talk with her coaches. She did and to her dismay, she was, in fact, left out of the race. I asked her coaches if she could be added to the race, but it was too late. She held back tears but forged ahead and jumped into the pool for practice.

It was a mistake. Her coaches are human and they make mistakes, too.

Her disappointment was compounded for several reasons. Her biggest competition was not going to be at this next meet, giving her a strong possibility of winning the race. Her best friend was going to be there. She wanted one more race experience before the championship meet. She folded under the layers of disappointment and began to cry as soon as we got into the car.

I could have made a phone call. My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests. I probably could have called the board of directors and caused a scene to get my child added back into the race she so desperately wanted to swim. We could have caused a lot of people to do a lot of extra work to make my child happy. I could have gone to extreme lengths to give my child everything she wanted.

Have you seen that quote that encourages you to drink plenty of water and gets lots of sun? Good advice for us because we are essentially houseplants with complex emotions. How in the world can we expect our children to learn how to deal with complex emotions if we never allow them to experience them?

My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests in an effort to relieve our daughter from feeling complex emotions. But how would that have served her in the long run? Sure, it was hard for her but we all have to learn how to deal with disappointment. We have to learn how to accept the fact that people we love mistakes. We have to learn how to accept the fact that not everything in life will go our way.

The one thing I hope my kids never thank me for—giving them everything they want.

As humans, we are hard-wired to struggle. It’s not my job as a parent to keep my kids from ever having to struggle. Instead, it’s our job as parents to give them the tools to properly deal with the struggle.

After having time to be sad and disappointed, we talked with our daughter about what she ultimately wanted. We couldn’t change the circumstances, but it was worth at least exploring what she could personally get out of the situation; what it would take to get a positive outcome from this experience.

We talked with her coaches and after giving it some thought, she agreed to swim the event as an unofficial swimmer. That meant, her times wouldn’t count and she wouldn’t score any points. She couldn’t officially win, even if she technically did. She’d still get the opportunity to have another race experience.

It was a wasn’t everything she wanted.

She was able to live through the disappointment and still see the upside. She was able to accept the reality but still find the positive. She didn’t throw away the experience because it wasn’t perfect.

My job as a parent is not to keep my kids happy. Let’s face it, of all the emotions we have, happy is easy. Our kids do not need practice with being happy.  They do need to be prepared to face disappointment, sadness, and anger.  They need experience in extending the same grace to others that they would want in return. They also need practice in accepting situations for that what they are without  expectations for us to swoop in and fix it.

I hope my kids are grateful for all of the things we do for them, but for many reasons more importantly, I hope they are thankful for the things that we didn’t do.

Melanie Forstall is a full-time mother, full-time wife, full-time teacher, and never-enough-time blogger at Melanie Forstall: Stories of Life, Love, and Mothering. She holds a doctorate in education and yet those many years of schooling have proved to be utterly useless when it comes to actual mothering.

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Choosing to See the Joy in Autism

By Elizabeth North

Photo: Elizabeth North

As a child, did you ever wake early with anticipation? Were you one of the children who rushed to see exactly what was under the tree? I was. Patience was never a strong suit and surprises are something I am still not a fan of. In fact, Christmas memories are some of my favorite from my childhood.

My mom, her sisters, sometimes her brothers, their spouses, and up to 11 kids crammed into one home for up to a week celebrating not only the magic of Christmas but the blessing of life, of family. We had some crazy times, from almost losing a child in the snow to my all-time favorite memory waking early to meet my cousin face to face crawling around long before we were “allowed” to be up. As we faced off under a pile of gifts we both startled and then gulped in as much air as possible to keep from blowing our cover. The belly laughs and joy we held within continues to resonate in my mind nearly 30 years later.   

The excitement of Christmas and preparing our hearts and mind for the holiday season could be compared to the preparation for parenthood, for the dreams you create for the children you expect. Sometimes, however, you receive the unexpected. In those moments, emotions swell. Perhaps you’re weighed down by disappointment, fear, anxiety, pain, sadness. Perhaps you wonder how you will feel strength or find a way to be thankful for a life you didn’t anticipate? In those moments, however, if you take a deep breath and step back you may begin to see it, to feel it, and to understand the gift is so much more than what you actually wanted it was in fact what you actually needed.   

Autism is like that. The last five years have changed almost everything in our lives. While it has taken so much, in the end, I choose to look at what it has given me. Today, I reflect and see how much I have grown, how much this wasn’t supposed to be a journey but my destiny to challenge, change myself and walk beside a child who was intended for me.   

In dark moments, I have found what matters. People who care have come out of places I never expected. True friends have stuck around and I have been blessed to meet people in my life I never would have encountered if it weren’t for autism. Autism has taught me patience. It taught me to be present, to acknowledge the small moments of growth. It has taught me that unwrapping the most precious gift may not look like what I wanted or expected but in the end, it’s better than I could have ever imagined.   

As this holiday season is upon us, I could choose to be sad, to be mad, to be angry for what could have been or what I wanted—I spent too many years like that. Instead, I can choose to seek the joy in what is, in the moments that matter, and cherish what we have because reality is, there is a gift when you choose to unwrap it.                         

I'm a mom of many who is living her best life navigating a busy world full of ups and downs. Managing five kids and one with additional needs I enjoy learning through living and sharing what I know. I can't wait to share our Messy World with you.

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How to Help Young Kids (& You) Navigate This Election

By Meghan Fitzgerald

Photo: Tinkergarten

You may have noticed, there’s an election coming up…and it’s overall calming effects are exactly what we all needed on top of our pandemic. All irony aside, it feels like our feeds, our conversations and even our quiet moments have been consumed by the upcoming vote—and, no matter your beliefs, the strain of uncertainty and the general nature of the discourse provide a consistent dose of stress. In fact, there’s even a therapist-coined term for an extreme version of the experience—election stress disorder.

As with the pandemic, it’s essentially impossible to insulate our kids from the impact of this election. This means we don’t have to, and probably shouldn’t, shy away from discussing it with them. In fact, we know that talking with kids about elections can increase their engagement in the political process later on. Deborah Rivas-Drake, a Professor of Psychology & Education at the University of Michigan who studies civic engagement explains this phenomenon quite well: “You’re planting seeds that will bear fruit later in terms of their understanding of themselves as civic and political actors who have agency.” 

So, with just a few more days to go, how can we frame the election for kids in a way that helps them engage but also keeps them feeling safe and calm during it? No matter your political beliefs, here are 5 ways to approach the election that are supportive of young kids, and that will likely feel supportive of you, too.

Focus on Democracy
At the end of the day, it’s an enormous privilege and an essential right that we get to vote for our elected officials—and this gives us a simple, powerful and positive focus when engaging kids around the election conversation. Encourage others you love to vote and share your excitement to vote with your kids. To help signal to kids just how special voting is, you can also make voting day feel like a celebration. In Australia, for example, voting day is a holiday featuring special treats like “democracy sausage.” In our family, we plan to eat “pepperoni polling pizza” on election night. Whatever fun you choose to add, a little celebration can help reinforce the importance of our democracy in terms kids can understand.

Give Yourself Space to Process the News
Election coverage and commentary are reaching fever pitch. Turn on your phone, check your feed, drive or walk around your neighborhood, and signs of the election are literally everywhere. Social media algorithms are working in overdrive to keep serving us the election drama that keeps us engaged. So, it’s important to remember that kids watch us as we process these messages, and they see our reactions. 

Often we get drawn in (mom’s distracted…queue the misbehavior!) or we tense up, look puzzled or worried. Kids sense this—we are their source of comfort, and they are wired to notice and respond to changes. To help kids, and to help yourself, try picking a few, distinct times each day to “plug in” and take in election updates. If you can, find a quiet time and space to do it, out of the watchful eye of young children. This will give you the chance to have your immediate response and process the information without raising any alarm bells for your kiddos.

Prepare Kids by Explaining It Doesn’t Always Go Your Way
No matter your politics, you’ve likely experienced disappointment at the presidential polls in your voting lifetime. Even if you haven’t, you can probably imagine how much it hurts. And though these feelings can feel overpowering, as adults with fully-formed brains, in time, we’re generally able to rationalize and talk ourselves through ways it’s going to be okay. For our kids, this isn’t the case. 

Young kids are still learning about disappointment, and they generally believe deeply that we, their treasured grownups, know how to keep them safe and make their world okay. So, it can feel really unsettling to them when we get disappointed. That’s why it’s important, no matter how confident you are about your chosen candidate, to start to introduce the idea to kids that your candidate may lose. At the same time, try to help kids understand that even if your candidate is not successful, our democracy, and our world, will go on. 

Beware of “Them vs Us” Rhetoric & Stay Curious
In our current context, it’s easy to fall into the trap of using “Them vs. Us” rhetoric. No matter how vigilant we are about our own language, we can all find ourselves being triggered to speak in sweeping terms about whole groups of people who do not share the same perspective—especially about issues we really care about. Even if you don’t speak this way, kids can pick up on this language from other people in your family or community, or from the media.

Listen for moments in which people speak poorly about a whole party or group of people based on a belief they have. You can flip this script by explaining to kids that, even though you don’t agree with this group’s beliefs, you also don’t support the negative way they’re being talked about. You can also explain that you know most people are good people, but you just don’t agree with this particular group on this particular issue. 

Perhaps one of the most important things that we can do right now, as parents, is to help our kids foster a practice of listening to one another, asking questions, and taking the time to understand other peoples’ differing opinions.

Double down on Hope & Community
In the middle of it all, try to maintain rituals that help kids feel connected to the people in your community and hopeful about the future. Meeting outdoors is not only a safe way to connect with others, but it also puts everyone in a space that we all share, no matter our political views—our natural world. 

This post originally appeared on Tinkergarten.

After 18 years as an educator, curriculum developer and school leader, Meghan has her dream gig—an entrepreneur/educator/mom who helps families everywhere, including hers, learn outside. Today, Meghan serves as co-founder and Chief Learning Officer of Tinkergarten, the national leader in outdoor play-based learning. 

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Who’s the Real Bully Here?

By Janet Coburn

“You know why kids bully? Because adults bully. But no one wants to have that conversation.”  — Lauryn Mummah McGaster

I saw this pass-along on Facebook the other day and decided that I did want to have the conversation. When we think about bullies, we usually think about kids bullying other kids—classically, stealing their lunch money or more recently, tormenting them for being perceived as different.

And what do we say when that happens? Kids can be mean. Kids can be cruel. Kids have no respect. In other words, the problem arises in the kids themselves. They shape the victimization of others, presumably out of thin air.

But let’s stop a minute. We know that kids learn what they see adults do. They learn to talk and walk. They learn to swear and belittle. The walking and talking may be hardwired into humans, but the rest is clearly learning by imitation.

But adults aren’t bullies, really. They don’t go around stealing lunch money and certainly not in front of their kids.

You might be surprised, but adult bullying happens a lot at work. Belittling and humiliation seem to go with business just as much as board meetings and yearly reviews. Not all workplaces are toxic, of course, but almost every one contains a group of gossips or a clique that excludes others just like children do in the cafeteria. They yell at underlings. They sexually harass others. They steal credit for others’ accomplishments and boast about it.

But wait, you say, children seldom if ever come to where their parents work and see them behave this way. How can they be learning to bully from them?

Bullying behavior starts with an attitude, a sentiment that there are winners and losers in life and the winners have the right (or even the duty) to lord it over the losers. Think about how many people were influenced by the “looking out for #1” philosophy.

Adults carry these attitudes home with them. Children pick up on them. Think about what adults do and say in front of their kids, even—or maybe especially—when they don’t know the kids are within earshot. They vent about their neighbors and their bosses. They use words like “b*tch” and “bastard” and worse. They talk about their day and how “stupid” some co-worker was or how they “felt like smacking” the customer service representative.

And think about what adults say when their children are being bullied. Often the response is, “If he hits you, hit him right back. Show him you’re the boss.” This perpetuates the “winners and losers” scenario and sometimes leaves the “loser” with a desire to victimize someone even “lesser.”

Worst of all, think about how often adults bully children. There are too many children who are badly abused, hit and kicked and belittled by their parents. These cases sometimes get reported to Children’s Services.

Those are the extreme cases, however. Seldom does a single slap or two get reported. Telling a child that he or she is “no good” or “stupid” or even “a big disappointment” never gets reported at all. Some adults use humiliation, name-calling, and fear, all in the name of discipline and good behavior. Some pit one child against another, praising the “good” child and condemning the other. Some blame and shame ruthlessly.

They may think they are raising obedient children, but they are showing them through actions, words, and even tone of voice what it is to be a bully or a victim and how often bullying succeeds. The essence of bullying is that one person has actual or perceived power over another and uses that power in toxic ways. Think about how much power adults have over children and how seldom they consider how to use that power wisely.

This is certainly not to say that all adults abuse their power or their children. But when you look at children’s behavior, it’s hard not to see a reflection of the environment in which they were raised.

Bullies don’t just happen. They learn.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

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