I’ve almost forgotten what the real world feels like. I’ve almost forgotten what it was like before masks were added to the mental checklist of things I needed to make sure my kids had before they left the house each day.
I’ve almost forgotten what it was like to have my kids leave the house at all.
I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to sit in my car before work, sipping a freshly made drink from Starbucks while listening to the radio. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to leave my house for work at all. I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to board an airplane with my husband on our way to an annual vacation alone in the sun, knowing my babies were safe at home with their grandmother or aunt and without worrying that they could get each other sick.
I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to be alone with my husband at all. I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to plan an impromptu night at my house with some friends, without having to worry about exposing each other or breaking a new rule about crowd sizes. I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to see friends, colleagues, acquaintances, or strangers on a regular basis at all.
I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to dance the night away at a fundraiser or wedding. I’ve almost forgotten what it felt like to celebrate anything at all. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to step foot inside my children’s schools for parent-teacher conferences or fundraisers or Saturday morning junior basketball games. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to feel connected to my children’s schools or sports at all. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to sit in the stands for hours at youth sports games, sharing a box of extra toasted Cheez-Its with other parents.
I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to feel that alive and in the moment at all. I’ve almost forgotten what the real world feels like…but I’m holding onto hope that I’ll see it again soon. I will drive to work again and walk on tropical beaches with my husband again and dance at weddings again and sit in crowded stands with other parents sharing Cheez-Its again. And when I do all those things again, I’m going to appreciate them like never before.
Jenni Brennan is a psychotherapist, college professor, creator of Changing Perspectives, and co-host of The Changing Perspectives Podcast. Jenni is passionate about exploring the topics of parenting, relationships, grief, and mental health through her writing and podcast episodes. She lives with her husband, 2 sons, 3 dogs, and 2 cats in Massachusetts.
The holidays this year will be different and, for many, hard, but kids can help make others smile. America’s Test Kitchen Kids launched the #CookiesFromKids campaign inspiring kids to spread joy and bake for good this holiday season. Supporting the brand’s mission to empower and inspire confidence, community and creativity in the kitchen, America’s Test Kitchen Kids is encouraging kids to spend the month of December baking cookies and sharing them with friends, family, neighbors and members of the community including frontline workers, teachers, nurses, mail carriers, delivery personnel, and others.
America’s Test Kitchen Kids will donate $1 (up to $5,000) to No Kid Hungry for every photo posted on Instagram using #CookiesFromKids showcasing kid bakers taking over the kitchen to give back to their community.
Kids can follow four simple steps to participate:
Pick their person: Choose someone in your life who you think needs a little bit of (delicious) joy. It could be a grandparent, aunt, teacher, coach, babysitter, mail carrier, garbage man or neighbor—really, anyone!
Bake their cookies: Pick any cookie from America’s Test Kitchen Kids’ wide library of kid-tested recipes, including holiday favorites Glazed Sugar Cookies and Chocolate Crinkle Cookies, and start baking.
Send some joy: After your cookies are done, pack them up and drop them off or send them to your special cookie recipient.
Share: Have a grown-up share a picture of you and your finished cookie creations using the hashtag #CookiesFromKids for a chance to win a cookbook from America’s Test Kitchen Kids and to trigger a donation of $1 to No Kid Hungry during the month of December.
“During this unprecedented time we know it’s been difficult for many families who aren’t able to gather around the dinner table. There are also countless people who deserve our immense gratitude this holiday season,” said Molly Birnbaum, Editor in Chief of America’s Test Kitchen Kids. “We believe one of the best ways to feel connected is to give the gift of homemade food. Baking and sending cookies is a simple way kids can spread joy and show their appreciation during the holiday season.”
If your daughter is like most growing girls, she’s begging you for a phone and she feels ready to jump into social media. And if you are like most parents, you are not ready (yet). The New York Timestells us that students are spending over eight hours each day on their phones, mostly scrolling and swiping through social media, creating videos on TikTok, watching YouTube videos, and of course chatting on Snapchat.
Girls tell me all the time how much they love social media – feeling they belong to the “phone club,” the chance to feel connected and included amongst peers, the ideas that inspire them, and the hours of pure entertainment. Yet, many of them admit they also loathe social media–it can feel like pressure to keep up and post “perfectly,” to see polished pictures and not only feel jealous after a quick comparison, but also “not good enough,” to obsess over likes, comments, and the number of followers, and of course, the worry about being left out at best and harassed or bullied at worst.
After speaking to girls and so many parents, here are six steps you can take, starting today, to help you and your daughter plan and prepare for her transition into the virtual world (and to support her if she’s already there):
Step 1: Ask Her about Her Reasons Why She Wants a Phone
Does she feel peer pressure? Is she simply curious? Is she wanting connection? Does she feel left out? You may be surprised to hear what she has to say.
Step 2: Give Her the Facts about Screens & Social Media
Screen time is a distraction and can be very stressful
Girls are spending more than 8 hours each day on their phones
Girls feel a lot of pressure to post and keep up every day
Girls worry a lot about being judged, criticized, and mocked
Girls today feel more disconnected, lonely, left out, and not good enough when they are online
The facts will likely not dissuade her but they will inform her.
Step 3: Discuss the Pros & Cons
Entertaining and fun
Inspiring her with creative ideas
Feeling connected, included, and “normal”
Keeping in touch and the chance to share stories and experiences
Self-promoting to be entrepreneurial
Escaping after a stressful day at school
Distracting
Bullying
Feeling judged
Competing and comparing
Feeling it’s too fake and too superficial
Addicting
Decreasing self-confidence and self-esteem
Influencing how she may feel about herself and her body
Step 4: Create Guidelines Together
Consider these ideas:
Ensuring her safety is a priority: turn off location settings, turn on privacy settings; don’t share personal information
Monitoring time on devices and deciding on her “magic number”
Choosing a screen and social media time slot each day and sticking to it
Helping her makes decisions such as: who to accept and follow; what to post and how often
Encouraging her to be real online: her true and authentic self
Talking about her triggers: what could bother her and why
Agreeing where the phone should go at night so she has a quality sleep
Helping her choose safe websites and platforms
Reminding her of her priorities (homework, chores, play, etc.)
Discussing “thinking before posting” and her digital footprint
Step 5: Explore “What If Situations”
What if…
She makes a mistake online
She posts and nobody “likes” or comments
She gets mean comments
She gets bullied
She feels uncomfortable and unsafe
Then create a plan, empowering her with people she can talk to (other than you) and what she can do: block, delete, unfollow, report (if necessary), and do a digital detox by taking time off to be in the real world
Step 6: Talk about What She’s Missing When She Chooses Screen Time
The chance to:
Play
Spend time outside
Create
Make real connections
Reflect
Unwind
Set goals
Develop her skillset
Dream
Girls having phones is inevitable. Yet, we, as girl supporters and girl champions, can navigate the virtual world with her—keeping her aware, healthy, and happy online.
I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls and Brave New Boys teaching and coaching for girls, boys, and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy.
For many families, the holidays are synonymous with spending time with family. However, some years that’s just not possible. Whether you can’t spend the holidays with loved ones because of the pandemic, a December due date, or work demands that make travel difficult, we have plenty of tips for staying connected and making the holidays memorable.
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1. Stay connected throughout the festivities. Before the holidays, figure out how everyone who is usually together can get connected virtually. Poll your people before the big day and make a plan in place to chat via FaceTime, Skype, Zoom or Duo. A great gift to ensure this happens would be a Google Nest Hub with video capabilities. Set one up in each household and check in throughout the day. Kids can call just by saying, “Hey Google, call Grandma” to say thank-you for a present, you can leave the video chat open for hours while opening presents Christmas morning. It’s easy for Grandma to use too!
2. Take photos. Keep your cell phones handy throughout the day so you have plenty of memories to share with friends and family later. Document everything from waking up to opening gifts and eating the day’s big meal. Take a photo at least once an hour on the top of the hour, or more often if you feel up to it. If you have an old cell phone lying around, give it to your kid(s) so they can share the day from their perspective too!
3. Focus on who you are with instead of who is missing. It’s okay to feel sad about not being with loved ones during the holidays, but a silver lining is that you have more time and attention to focus on those you are with. Instead of dwelling on what you're missing, take the time to enjoy a low(er) pressure holiday where you can really focus on the small group you have nearby.
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4. Keep old traditions going. Although holidays away from family mean you will miss some holiday traditions, you may be able to figure out modifications for others. Like, if your mother or uncle always makes a special dessert, get the recipe and make it yourself. Or, since having kids sit on Santa’s lap is likely out this year, visit St. Nick virtually. One options is Jingle Ring. For under $25, kids can invite grandparents and cousins to join in the (virtual) magic from afar.
5. Create new family traditions. Find a new favorite light display in your neighborhood, write down something you're grateful for every day and read them all aloud during your holiday celebration, or choose a new book to read together on Christmas Eve. Here are more ideas for holiday traditions to start with your baby.
6. Plan holiday activities to do together. Even though you can't be together, you can still plan activities to do together. Get cousins the same advent calendar like this Elf on the Shelf Advent North Pole Calendar Train that comes with figures kids can use during virtual playdates in the countdown to Christmas. Tracking Santa through NORAD or dishing about great Black Friday deals can be almost as fun virtually as it is in person. Grandma can read The Night Before Christmas or The Very Hungry Caterpiller's Eight Nights of Chanukah over FaceTime. Watch a holiday movie together using Disney+ hangout or Netflix Party while eating the same snacks. Instead of cooking an elaborate meal for just a few people, decide that everyone will order a feast from somewhere that ships nationwide like Veestro. Or, order kits like these from Global Grub that come pre-packaged with almost everything you need to make delicious dishes like mochi ice cream or ravioli together over Facetime or Zoom. Get creative!
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7. Make a shared playlist. Another way to experience the holidays together while apart is to create a virtual musical playlist. Make your playlist full of holiday classics or include everyone’s non-holiday favorites, from grunge to Cardi B. Sharing the same soundtrack for the day can make you feel closer together and bring back shared memories tied to the songs.
8. Have a matchy holiday. Not only will matching clothing make your holidays Insta-ready, it’s another way to feel connected when you are far apart. Matching attire can also double as a great gift. Check out affordable matching PJs from Pat-Pat or custom shirts from Etsy shop MinnieMadeit. For a less expensive but still super cute option, coordinate socks with funny sayings from Lavley; wear socks with the same message or customize them to each person's interests or personality. These would be especially appealing to anyone who is reluctant to go full-fledged matchy-matchy.
9. Exchange gifts. When you mail gifts to family and friends, include a note letting them know what you love about them and what you miss about spending the holidays with them. To simplify gift-giving, create a virtual secret Santa. Also, keep in mind that when you are apart, gifts from the heart are even more meaningful. A Little Love Jar filled with personalized notes from friends and family from all over will be treasured and will keep giving as the lucky recipient reads the notes over and over again.
2020 has been a year for the books, with many families spending more time apart then ever. To help you feel connected, Ancestry has just announced a huge sale on some amazing products that are perfect for the upcoming holiday season.
From Nov. 1 through Nov. 23, you can catch huge savings on Ancestry Subscriptions, AncestryDNA and AncestryHealth test kits. Keep scrolling to see the deets!
Ancestry Online Gift Subscriptions
Give the gift of family this year and save 20 percent on a gift subscription. For $79.20, you can give a friend or family member access to the largest collection of online records to build the details of their family tree.
Normally you'd be paying $179 for this kit, but it's now on sale for $119. AncestryHealth will give you better insight into inherited health conditions, genetic conditions and traits.
Our series, Family Tales, is an honest peek into the daily lives of families across the country who are on this crazy ride we call parenthood! From divulging childcare costs to breaking down family finances to managing a virtual school year with multiple kids, we tap into the Red Tricycle army of parents to find out how they’re making it work. This series is a judgment-free zone.
Interested in telling your story? Start by filling out our questionnaire here. All stories are anonymous.
I Found the Courage to Ditch Distance Learning & You Can, Too
Name and occupation: Meghan Yudes Meyers, DC Editor at Red Tricycle City: A DC suburb Grades my kids are in: Kindergarten School set-up in 2020: My twins attend a public school in NOVA. Originally, our days were made up of synchronous and asynchronous lessons from 8 a.m. to 3:15 p.m. As a small school, the administration was able to pivot quickly when things were not working for families and staff; now our school schedule condenses synchronous learning times to the morning hours so that students can hop off the computer by lunch time. This is what our routine looks like so far.
photo: iStock
Mornings: We’re Trying to Apply What We’ve Learned so Far.
Shorter days helped. But it didn’t solve our problem. Before COVID-19, my kids had never been on a computer. Ever. They didn’t know how to swipe, scroll, mute or unmute. Once it was announced in July that we would be DL-only for the first quarter of school, we decided to spring for an online tutor, a luxury I realize not everyone has during these trying times. The tutor worked with our kiddos on phonics and sight words with the primary goal of getting them accustomed to working with a teacher virtually. The one-one-one lessons worked well so we weren’t feeling new school year jitters.
Ms. E.’s magnetic personality helped create online connections. Even virtually.
My twins’ teacher, Ms. E. is quite possibly the best kindergarten teacher in the country. Her energetic and enthusiastic lessons made the virtual classroom come alive. My kids quickly picked up on the necessary skills to navigate virtual learning. But the technological issues beyond their control—the frozen screens, broken mics, popping, cracking and crunching sounds and the ear-aching feedback—along with the visual and auditory distractions of random homes being flashed on the screen with a mistaken “unmute” and the occasional outcry of an infant or sibling in the background proved to be a roadblock to an actual education for my kiddos.
We plugged away for six weeks experimenting with everything from computer accessories to new work spaces. Ms. E. was in the trenches with us the entire time making suggestions and modifications. We bought headphones (Batman for him; Hello Kitty for her) that did help them both focus on the computer. We let the kids choose where they wanted to work: at the outdoor picnic table, the dining room table or the art table. We focused on their surroundings to help foster a better learning environment. But my kids still resisted getting online. And once they were virtually connected, they complained about being exhausted. Constantly. There was little we could do to manipulate the onscreen world to make it less overwhelming.
We traded online lessons for live instruction.
Just days after the new schedule changed in Sept., Ms. E. held a virtual meeting explaining the changes and urging parents to be mindful of their students’ mental well-being. She empowered parents to opt out of a class or lesson if the workload was feeling too much. I knew at once what we had to do and dashed off a message that we were going to take the next day “off” of online learning and jump in to some live lessons. It worked so well that Ms. E. offered to help me create a custom educational plan that made the leap from virtual to live lessons—and met the school’s quarterly requirements.
photo: istock
We try to capture everybody’s best hours.
My husband and I used to be night owls, but the combo of kids, COVID and, frankly, age, has us realizing we get things done faster and more efficiently when we first wake up. He typically rises around 5 a.m. to shower, eat and log on to his computer. I require a few more zzz’s, so I’m up at 6 a.m. to start my work day.
The kids start to rise at 7 a.m. At this point, my husband’s been at the grind for two hours. He takes a break to help the kids start their day. He helps them get dressed and makes them breakfast. If there is time before his first morning Zoom, he starts their morning work out with them. Their school had a genius in-person schedule pre-pandemic that kicked off each day with some outdoor activities (weather permitting). We thought it was pretty brilliant, so we’ve modeled our day to mirror what their little lives will look like once they are back in school so the leap to the real classroom will be less difficult. It also helps to get the morning wiggles out so they can more easily focus on new lessons.
My husband and I are a teaching tag-team.
I emerge from my office between 8-8:30 a..m.; by 8:30 a.m, my husband has to head back to work (a.k.a our bedroom), so he passes the torch to me. If they haven’t had a chance to run, jump and leap yet, we do this first. Getting the wiggles out before we start our school day has been paramount to having a successful day.
With the (virtual) hand-holding of literally the most amazing teacher ever, we’ve taken the awesome hands-on approach their school is famous for and implemented it in our home. We’re trying to soak up all the advantages of being house-bound by spending as much time as possible outdoors. Morning lessons, which run from 9 a.m. to 11-ish, are usually focused around building on our phonics skills (we’re embarking on blended sounds) and working on cvc sight words; we use magnetic letters to build words on our garage door and we chalk our driveway with basic sentences. Some days the kids are eager to jump from one lesson to the next, others they need a break before lunch; on those days they have free play from 11-12 p.m.
photo: Meghan Yudes Meyers
Lunchtime: Tag. My husband’s it (again).
In the perfect world, our at-home routine would mirror their school’s daily on-site schedule perfectly. But this is not a perfect world. This is 2020 and, let’s be honest, there is NOTHING perfect about 2020. So, we don’t break for lunch at 11 a.m. (per their future curriculum). Instead, we try to wait until 12 p.m. when Daddy (a.k.a. the hubs) can jump in.
Professionally, my husband is a numbers guy. But he’s also the Phonics King (a skill I never learned.). So, I lean on him to help drive these lessons home. The kids make words with letter cubes they can stack to build words, they practice sight words with Play-Doh, and complete sentences with pipe cleaners. If there is time, they squeeze in a book or two before eating lunch (thanks to Chef Daddy!). Meanwhile, I’m taking the hour to catch up on work and answer emails. If the day allows, I take a quick drive while blasting old school hip-hop (hey, it centers me).
photo: Meghan Yudes Meyers
Afternoon: It’s time for Specials.
In addition to reading, writing and mathematics (our a.m. focus), we need to keep pace with what is locally known as “Specials.” This is an all-inclusive term for art, music and PE. But I’ve cast a wider net and made our afternoons about anything beyond the “3 Rs.” We try to focus these art projects and science lessons to the hours of 1-3 p.m. To kick off “Specials,” we often jump online for a quick 15 minute video.
My kids have literally the world’s best teacher. We try to “see” her everyday.
Most of the day, we are doing “live” lessons, meaning school activities and projects are 100% offline. But we want our kids to feel connected to their teacher and the school community, so we try to get the kids engaged with at least one pre-recorded video a day. They love seeing their teacher, Ms. E., explain the project of the week (a hands-on lesson that cumulatively engages all the lessons of the week). If we’ve crossed off the class project, we spend time watching a Science lesson with Ms. S. or a music video that explores the week’s theme (recently it was patterns; my daughter was inspired to write her own song with an ABBABB sequence).
The lesson plans and videos provided by the school are meant to spark the imagination. Sometimes they come with a list of materials you may want to have on-hand to get started, but often it’s up the the students to brainstorm ways they can accomplish their assignment utilizing what they have on-hand. My kids can spend hours (literally) working on a new invention for their Science class (most recently, a car with slides for doors which was created using pieces of cardboard, a toddler shopping cart for the base and lots and lots of tape) or painting a picture for their school journal. But if they finish up their Special work, I call it a day. Post-school they are free to play, but these days their free play often reinforces school lessons (they like to play “school” with their stuffed animals going over math facts and new sight words). If things are going smoothly, I can squeeze in important calls between the hours of 3-6 p.m. when they are off having fun.
photo: istock
The Evening: A United Force
My husband takes a dinner break around 6 p.m; we’ve pushed meal time to a later hour so we can eat as a family. Dinners these days involve the path of least resistance. We’ll often support our favorite local restaurants. But in a pinch, we’re a-OK with short cuts like eggs for dinner or PB sandwiches. Healthy meals—at a communal table with family—are our primary goal.
We’re not conventionally schooling over here. So, while a strict 8-3 schedule felt cumbersome, sneaking in lessons all day long does not. Our biggest secret? We save math for last. Sometimes we’ll squeeze some problems into our day (what’s 3X3? Show me your answer in jumping jacks!), but generally we use table time to not only practice math skills, but also explore new ones. We recently leaped into multiplication while playing with a plate full of Rigatoni (hint: large, fat, tubular noodles make GREAT manipulatives). Dessert is also a great time to explore arithmetic (hello LITERAL pie charts). In general, we’ve found playing with food makes for successful math lessons!
photo: Meghan Yudes Meyers
Nighttime: Calling it a Day
On our best days, we try to take a walk as a family. But my COVID-19 pounds suggest we don’t do this often enough. Personally, I like the nights we spend the after-dinner hour belting out 80s and 90s tunes at the tops of our lungs. We rock it out as a family and then it’s time for bed.
My husband tackles the 3 bedtime basics—bath time, brushing and bedtime stories—while I head back to the office. When everyone is dressed and tucked in bed I take a quick break for a good-night snuggle, hit play on their Zenimal and back to the basement—I mean office —I go. My husband retreats to his office once the kids are soundly asleep. We both burn the midnight oil. If we’re lucky, we sneak in a TV show together when we’ve buttoned up our work day.
Virtual learning didn’t work for my kids. But we’re not quite homeschooling. We’re lucky enough to have one of the best teachers in the world and probably one of the most flexible public school administrations in this country make sure that our kids were actually learning and thriving and not punching a time clock.
Interested in telling your story? Start by filling out our questionnaire here. All stories are anonymous.
“Momsomnia” is a real thing. New research from online retailer Zulily shows that 62% of moms are up at least one time a night, most often between the hours of 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. Moms are worrying about the world, planning for the unknown and needing a no-judgement zone.
Zulily unveiled a list of the Top 10 Sleepless States for Moms in America based on late-night social media listening and found that while the golden state took the top spot, moms are up at night from coast to coast:
California
Texas
Florida
New York
Illinois
Arizona
Ohio
New Jersey
Pennsylvania
Washington
To give moms a new way to spend their sleepless hours, Zulily is launching The Late Night Shop for Mom – a month-long shopping event that will offer free shipping on orders placed between 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. PT on orders $35+ on curated collections refreshed each week, featuring must-have items that offer humor, comfort and a sense of calm during trying times.
While most new moms are up late adapting to new sleep and meal schedules with baby, the survey data shows there’s more on mom’s mind than a late-night snuggle session. Nearly a quarter of moms say worrying about the world keeps them up at night which is higher than the percent of moms who say they’re up late at night to care for their children or planning for the future. 38 percent of Moms say they feel judged by other parents for their parenting decisions, which could be contributing to their overall mental load. Nearly one-third of moms say they pass the time late at night by doing something online like shopping online, browsing social media or checking email.
“Mom has the weight of the world on her shoulders, so we wanted to learn more about what she’s worried about, what she needs and how we can help lighten her load,” said Lindsay Reynolds, Zulily’s family shopping and trends expert. “Our research shows that moms are actively looking for products for her children and her home that help create a sense of calm, add a dose of daily humor, and help create experiences that she feels her family may be lacking right now. We’re giving new moms special savings and curated shopping events designed to provide a fun way to spend those sleepless hours shopping daily deals in our Late Night Shop for Mom.”
The research suggests that the state of society is not only causing moms to lose out on sleep, but it’s impacting what she’s shopping for and why.
Fashion Micro Moments: 45 percent of moms say that dressing their baby up in special occasion dresses or cute outfits impacts their own mood, citing feelings of happiness, relief as well as a sense of control and return to normalcy. Zulily offers unique brands like Milkbarn, which are perfect for dressing up baby for at-home photoshoots.
Mom Memes to Cope: The majority of moms say that humor is important in navigating the pain points of parenthood. Moms say that sharing humor and memes allow them to feel connected with other parents and allows them to express how they feel. Brands like Tesa Babe offer funny apparel to make the family smile.
Craving Calm at Home: Almost half of moms say their home could benefit from a greater sense of calm. What’s more, moms with babies and children under 5 are more likely to say their children are impacted by current environmental stress. That’s why Zulily offers soothing tools and toys from Calisson Toys, official distributor of Sophie la Girafe brand in the U.S. and Kushies alongside apparel like JoJo Maman Bébé.
Mother Nature Rules: Moms are turning to the woods for baby inspiration, with 33 percent saying an outdoor motif is most likely to apply to their baby’s life indoors. 22 percent say the sea and beach are their source of inspiration. 30 percent of moms are also turning to cool color shades (gray, blue, green) in nurseries, which studies have indicated can have a calming effect on children. Parents can turn to organic apparel from Oliver & Rain to swaddle their little ones in nature-inspired garb.
Zulily’s Late Night Shop for Mom launches on Sept. 17, 2020, with weekly themed events going live at 2 a.m. each week through Oct. 14, 2020. The shop will feature nursery décor, kid’s clothes, baby toys, and more at up to 70 percent off.
If someone had told me six months ago that I’d be advocating for kids to play together 6 feet apart, I wouldn’t have believed it. As an early childhood educator, the idea, out of context, makes me very uncomfortable. But time and shifting realities change things, and now, it feels imperative.
This begs big questions for parents and educators alike—do we anchor on what is ideal or on what is real as we support our kids during such a wild time? Do we hold kids precious and protect them from this reality, or do we help them to navigate within and adapt to it? Which will help them to thrive more in the long term?
My vote: Let go of “ideal” and parent for real.
Kids will roll with it if you let them.
Humans are naturally quite resilient, adaptable, and hopeful. Kids don’t rage against reality like we adults often do—they tend to roll with things, especially if we give them the okay and support to do so.
Kids don’t suffer the loss of the ideal.
Many of us are torn between the ideal and real—between taking and foregoing chances to help kids adjust to this moment. It’s a hard balance to strike.
Many people are leaning into this new normal and bringing their children along, showing them how to learn new ways of doing things and make this new reality work. On the other hand, I have heard equally caring adults grow fiercely attached to an ideal view of life for kids.
For example, I’ve heard people say that it would be psychologically damaging to ask a child to keep social distance from a friend or loved one. For sure, it feels neither natural nor easy for kids to hold back from being close and even embracing one another or their elders. Again, as an early childhood educator, I would certainly not advise it under normal circumstances. That desire to touch is a sweet feature of our early days on the planet. It is also understandable that educators and parents alike find it easier not to ask kids to even try, especially if you live in a place where you may be judged when your child needs reminders or practice.
But is it really damaging to ask kids to learn to keep close to family while keeping a 6-foot bubble from others? Really? The alternative to asking kids to learn to keep social distance can mean isolation from friends and family, lost chances to be among other people, and feel part of a community. For many families, that would also mean not seeing grandparents who are at risk Is that a better option? And, what lesson does avoiding these social encounters teach our kids?
Distancing with kids is doable.
There are many ways to make 6 feet feel connected and sweet. Our family loves to give air hugs, and we practice with grandparents, with friends and even at Tinkergarten. Others have made up special waves or focused on hugging stuffed animals or pillows until we can hug the real people again.
We don’t need to tell kids that getting close is “bad” or “dangerous” for them to learn to keep their distance. At Tinkergarten, we talk to kids about “keeping our 6-foot bubble to “keep everyone safe,” rather than use fear of the virus. The very reason we are staying away is extremely sweet—it is a loving and caring act to preserve your friend’s bubble, and little kids can really get behind that idea.
Though there’s a temptation to worry that kids will suffer without the chance to embrace others, remember that they can still cuddle, snuggle and squeeze their immediate family and designated “safe” people almost endlessly these days, as most of us are together all the time.
Teaching kids to “keep each other safe” is nothing new for us at Tinkergarten. Removing all danger is easier on adults for sure, but kids lose out on learning so many lessons! If you continue to gently remind kids of the rules, eventually they’ve got them.
Kids need reminders.
Reminders are our powerful tool. Little kids do not have strong impulse control, so it will take reminding them and reminding them and reminding them. But, that is just how little kids learn—through repetition and gentle reminders. If you can make the reminders fun, shame-free, and kid-centered, it’s actually enjoyable to teach and watch your kids learn to mind their space bubble.
Choosing social distance is a privilege.
Many kids and families have already been learning and practicing social distance, especially those who do so because real is their only option. This includes children of first responders, children whose parents or grandparents are at risk or ill, and it will include the many children who will go back to school again this fall, no matter what school looks like.
It is a privilege to advocate for what is ideal for your children—an option that not all parents have. No matter how you feel about the new normal, we can all contribute ideas and support to those who are working to help children keep safely distanced as they learn and play together. At the very least, before we buck against those efforts on principle, let’s be really certain that we have both the evidence and the true need to do so.
Let’s put the ideal in our back pocket and parent for real.
So much of how our kids adapt to new challenges is how we present and respond to those challenges. That has never been more true than it is now. Let’s never lose sight of what is ideal. Let’s agree to look forward to days when it’s easier, more natural, and more free to let our kids be and play like kids have long been able to do. But, let’s not let the ideal be the enemy of all of the good lessons and good chances to be together that are real at this moment. See you outside!
After 18 years as an educator, curriculum developer and school leader, Meghan has her dream gig—an entrepreneur/educator/mom who helps families everywhere, including hers, learn outside. Today, Meghan serves as co-founder and Chief Learning Officer of Tinkergarten, the national leader in outdoor play-based learning.
There is nothing in a child’s life that will prepare them for the death of a loved one. While children pass through the same stages of grief as adults, due to their limited life experiences, they will grieve differently. It is important to remember that every person and child grieves differently and at his or her own pace, and the sadness they feel due to the loss of a parent or other loved one may be experienced in many different ways over time. By helping your child grieve in a healthy manner, your child can build a new normal, one where happy memories exist with the hope for brighter days.
1. Acknowledge Your Child’s Grief. It is important to recognize that your child is grieving. Be careful not to impose your own grief on your child, but rather allow him or her to grieve in his or her own way. It is normal for children to feel a variety of feelings, including sadness, anger, and fear. Parents might worry about their children when they go from one feeling to the next, but experts assure parents that children will grieve as much as they need to, as long as they are allowed to do so.
2. Be Honest and Explain the Loss. It is important to present the news in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information. Children may have difficulty processing lengthy explanations, but they do need facts. Something as simple as, “Uncle Joe’s heart stopped working yesterday which made his body stop working.” Older children will need more specific facts, such as the name of an illness. Remember to stay focused on this one incident and provide frequent reminders that you are ok.
3. Share Memories. Find ways as a family to remember your loved one. Perhaps it’s something that’s visible on a daily basis, like planting a tree in the back yard or creating a special picture book all about Uncle Joe, or sending off balloons once a year—anything that connects your family to your loved one who has passed.
4. Write about the Experience. One way to help children move past their grief is to have a parent or adult write down the experience of hearing the loss so that the child does not have to relive it all of the time. Many times, children (and adults) are afraid or nervous that if that don’t relive the moment of death, they will forget it. By having something to reflect on, they will always be able to remember the experience and therefore be able to move forward.
5. Allow Children to Participate: Engaging children in the planning of activities can help them feel connected to what is happening around them. Let them talk about it.Children need to have the opportunity to put their feelings into words. They may be anxious about the safety of other loved ones or themselves. Or they may be feeling guilty about times they weren’t nice to the deceased, or sad thinking about opportunities they missed to show affection. They will do better if they can express their feelings to those who can provide the reassurance they need to heal.
6. Provide Resources: Consider turning to activities that you can do as a family to help with the grieving process. These may include reading children’s books or watching movies. Connecting with characters or hearing another expert’s perspective may help them feel less alone in the experience. During the healing process, they will likely realize that everyone will go through the loss of either with a pet or a loved one.
Here are 4 books that can help children process their grief and loss.
A Tiny Step Forward by Charlene Khaghan and Jill Starishevsky (Ages 4-8) A Tiny Step Forward was written to let young children know that if they have lost someone close, be it a friend or family member, it is okay to feel upset and miss the person they are grieving. And, in the days that follow, it is okay to once again feel happy and to enjoy life as their loved one would have wanted for them. Though each day may only be a tiny step forward, the author’s hope is that the final stanza of the book will always serve as a reminder that our loved ones are never truly gone as long as they live in our hearts. In addition, the book includes a section designated for kids to include a photo of their loved one and space to include some of their favorite thoughts and memories.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (Ages 7-12) The Invisible String is a very simple approach to overcoming the fear of loneliness or separation with an imaginative flair that children can easily identify with and remember. Here is a warm and delightful lesson teaching young and old that we aren’t ever really alone and reminding children (and adults!) that when we are loved beyond anything we can imagine. “People who love each other are always connected by a very special string, made of love. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love.”
The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise by Dan Gemeinhart (Ages 9-12) The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise: Five years. That’s how long Coyote and her dad, Rodeo, have lived on the road in an old school bus, criss-crossing the nation. It’s also how long ago Coyote lost her mom and two sisters in a car crash.
Coyote hasn’t been home in all that time, but when she learns that the park in her old neighborhood is being demolished―the very same park where she, her mom, and her sisters buried a treasured memory box―she devises an elaborate plan to get her dad to drive 3,600 miles back to Washington state in four days…without him realizing it.
Seven Clues to Home by Gae Polisner and Nora Raleigh Baskin (Ages 8-12) Seven Clues to Home:When you’ve lost what matters most, how do you find your way back home? Joy Fonseca is dreading her 13th birthday, dreading being reminded again about her best friend Lukas’s senseless death on this day, one year ago—and dreading the fact he may have heard what she accidentally blurted to him the night before. Or maybe she’s more worried he didn’t hear. Either way, she’s decided: she’s going to finally open the first clue to their annual birthday scavenger hunt Lukas left for her the morning he died, hoping the rest of the clues are still out there. If they are, they might lead Joy to whatever last words Lukas wrote, and toward understanding how to grab onto the future that is meant to be hers.
A mother of five children, Charlene’s husband passed away suddenly when their youngest child was only three years old. Khaghan has a master’s degree in special education and LMSW in social work. She currently works as a therapist in a university counseling center.
Let me start off by saying that I’m superstitious by nature. I always wear an evil eye bracelet to ward off bad luck and wear a red string to bring me good luck. I even bought extras and put them on the stroller and diaper bag. “Oh good, there’s no traffic” has never come out of my mouth because a mile down the road there will be traffic—because I said something, of course. I could keep going, but everyone gets the point.
When our first child was born, my husband and I had heard that it would be a good time to buy life insurance. My first reaction was anxiety. We are young and healthy, why do we need life insurance? Besides, why do they call it “life insurance” when the benefit is when you die? The anxiety along with my natural sense of superstition started to kick in, but I decided that it’s better to be prepared than sorry. Awful things do happen with or without amulets.
Like mom said, “Do your homework!” I wish someone had given me advice on where to start and what to ask. I hope my story helps. Please, ask many questions—act like a 2-year-old for once! Note that the younger you are when you buy life insurance, the better. Once you take care of it, it’s done. The result is lower anxiety which you can save for all the worrying you’ll be doing as a parent throughout your child’s lifetime.
1. Filling Out a Life Insurance Form Online at 2 a.m. Is a Bad Idea.
Let’s face it, Millennials love to buy online. It’s easy and convenient. Here’s what we learned quickly. Don’t buy life insurance online. Not at 2 a.m. when your baby is up and so are you, and not later in the day. A nicely designed website and a few clicks may seem like a good idea until you read the fine print. Online sites are driven by an algorithm and cannot understand your needs, concerns, and health situation.
Skipping an online service may save you money. After the underwriting process, a life insurance company can often return with a higher offer than the original quote you might have been first given.
2. Go Old School and Talk to a Person.
The best way to get the right life insurance policy is to use an independent life insurance agent. Almost the entire process is online so it will satisfy most people’s needs to feel connected on mobile. We asked around and found our agent. You can also search online. Just be sure to ask the agent if they work with several carriers. We learned that if you are healthy and under 50-years-of-age you can apply for life and disability insurance without a blood test for coverage of up to $3 million. Do what makes you feel comfortable and don’t be pressured to buy something you don’t need or cannot afford. Save that money for diapers and wine!
3. How Much Coverage Do You Need, Anyway?
We didn’t know where to begin, so we thought about why we wanted coverage and the amount we needed. For example, we took into consideration that we both worked and had a mortgage on our apartment. Luckily for us, we had a human to help us calculate how much coverage we needed and for how many years. A rule of thumb is 10 times your annual income.
Surprise! Life insurance is less expensive than we thought. For example, a 30-year-old, non-smoking female in good health can get a 20-year term policy for $500,000 in death benefit for $16 a month. That’s the price of my once a week cappuccino over a month.
4. Term or Perm?
No, I’m not talking about your aunt’s hair in the 1980s, I’m talking about term life insurance versus permanent life insurance. If you’re on a budget, and who isn’t when you first have a baby, consider a term policy. My grandma just turned 101 years old last week and is addicted to video poker on my iPad. We started with a term policy, and if my evil eye bracelets keep me out of trouble, in about 20-years we’ll hopefully be able to afford to convert that policy into a permanent one. The advantage is that you don’t need to repeat the lab tests because even if you develop a health condition, the life insurance company will give you the same health rating as when you got the original policy. An important question to ask your agent is if the affordable term policy they are offering you is “convertible.”
5. Surprise! Life Insurance Can Help Fund Kiddo’s College Expenses.
This is something that you might want to consider hitting-up the grandparents for. Life insurance for children has nothing to do with a death benefit, thank goodness! According to Market Watch, “A portion of the money paid into the policies can help fund college expenses by taking out a loan against the cash value balance and using the money income tax-free, which must be paid back with interest.” It’s about putting away money each month that will grow in your baby’s college fund or can be used as a down payment for a home when they are older. Susana Zinn, who happens to be an independent life insurance agent and an amazing grandma said, “It’s a nice way for grandparents to leave a legacy without breaking the bank. If the grandchild later decides they want to launch a start-up instead of going to college, you can authorize your child to borrow the cash value, tax-free, and use it. Make sure the policy has living benefits.”
So basically, for a glass of wine at your favorite restaurant, you can cross off an item on the adulting list. If you get freaked out or make a mistake, like I did before I listened to a person in the know, you can cancel a policy within 30 days and get your money back. (Like I did the first time.) That and a good luck charm of your choice should give you peace of mind at least until your baby gets a driver’s license. Just be sure to ask lots of questions and feel comfortable with your ultimate decision.
I'm a mom of two children, wife, and love my fur baby, traveling and playing UNO. My passion is discovering services and products by entrepreneurs, especially those that can cut down on some screen time and help our family create lasting memories together.
