ML Interest Tag: feel-uncomfortable

The Unexpected Way I Found the Purpose in My Life

By Wendy Robles

I never had that feeling in life that I truly fit in or I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. What was my purpose in life? They say we all have a purpose here on Earth. What is mine? What was I supposed to be doing?

From early on, starting in grade school, I always felt like the odd man out. I got along with everyone, but I felt like I was not truly included or welcomed like some of the other kids. At birthday parties I felt alone. I watched other kids clicking more and meshing with one another. Not me. I knew I wasn’t truly in the group. I would sit there and feel uncomfortable and want to run out the door as quickly as possible. I wanted to go home.

Even up through high school I felt this way. I grew up in a small Midwest town where everyone knew everyone’s business. Again, I got along with pretty much everybody but it still wasn’t a good feeling. I started to skip school and miss a lot of my classes. I got off track and felt even more lost and alone.

Years later, I went to nursing school and at age 37 I started my new career. I became a Registered Nurse and worked in the ICU. I love what I do, and at that time I still couldn’t think of anything I’d rather be doing.

But guess what??!!! That all changed once my twins were born.

I loved being a mother but I still wanted to work and have a career. But then my son got diagnosed with autism at age 3. Then I knew, this was it. This was my purpose. My thing in life was to be there for my son. I was the one for him. He was the one for me. I was always a stubborn person and a little set in my ways. I was never one to back down from a good fight. What a perfect fit I was, to have an autistic child.

There are many battles a parent of an autistic child must fight. My personality would help my son to get the best in life. I would fight for him tooth and nail for everything. I wouldn’t rest until he got what he deserved. I believed in him and I fought hard. I would fight any battle for him. He is my purpose.

I fought to get my son services and therapy to help him grow. I went toe-to-toe with the school district, one of our biggest battles. They wanted to put my son in a severe classroom. I knew that was not where he needed to be. A parent knows what’s best for their child. They live with their child, and see them every day and night. How could strangers know what’s best for my son? I fought like a mama bear fights for her cub. I won and got my son the education he deserved, and he is doing very well. I finally have some of the school team on our side now. They see the potential and skill set my son has. He is unbelievably smart and knows so much more than people give him credit for. I believed in him and always will.

I will always go to battle for this kid. I will never let anyone tell me that my son can’t do something when I know he can. Parents, we are our children’s biggest advocates. Your child has rights and you as parents do as well. Don’t give in to what someone says. Go with your gut instinct and go to battle. Never let go of the dreams and hopes you have for your child. You will win!!

feature image Alvaro Reyes via Unsplash

Wendy Robles lives in California with her husband and twins. She's an ICU Registered Nurse, she advocates for her patients and her son who is on the autism spectrum. Through her blog she tells her experiences of raising a child on the spectrum, the good and the ugly. 

 
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8 Things You Can Do to Support Adoptive Moms

By Kara Reynolds

Photo: Gabe Pierce via Unsplash

Adoptive moms are not that different from any other mom. They have to care for their children, get upset, frustrated, and annoyed by their kids, and they love and brag about their kids.

Yet, an adoptive mom has differences from other moms. Adoptive moms add children of varying ages to their family. Moms may not know the child’s full background either. Plus, they have to go through life with the adopted child, navigating what it means to be an adopted parent and helping their child understand that as well.

The adoption process is challenging, and it can be confusing at times how to support those moms who are going through or have gone through that process.

Here are 8 things you can do to support adoptive moms, no matter where they’re at in their adoption journey.

1. Learn about the Adoption Process
One of the best things you can do is learn about the adoption process. If you want to support your friend, this certainly helps, especially if you don’t know much about it. While you don’t have to understand every detail, learning the basics will help you view adoption from your friend’s perspective.

Most adoptive moms are willing to talk to you about the process. Learning about adoption facilitates discussions with the adoptive mom because it allows you to ask informed questions and be enthused with her.

2. Understand That Parenting May Be Different
Biological children and adopted children likely will be parented differently. The mom is likely trying to find a new balance with their newly adopted child and find a parenting routine that works. An adopted child may have a background unlike that of a biological child. Consequences and other actions towards an adopted child may not work.

For example, sending a child to their room is a common discipline method among many parents. However, for a child who may have been abandoned or doesn’t view possessions the same way, leaving them alone for a time out could have negative consequences. An adoptive parent has to be flexible to meet the child’s needs.

3. Give Thoughtful Gifts
An adoptive parent probably isn’t directly going to ask for support or gifts. However, they will never turn down help or a meaningful gift. The gift could be a box of chocolates or an offer to help clean her home or cook a meal for the family.

When giving a gift to the newly adopted child, make it something small that the family can enjoy together. Some children aren’t used to having so many material items and may become overwhelmed. A gift card for a movie or an art kit would be perfect so the entire family can be involved.

4. Choose Your Words Carefully
Even if you have a lot of experience raising children, are good at it and could give your friend some advice, avoid it. Often, adopted children have a past trauma in their lives. They’re likely emotionally unstable, so traditional parenting doesn’t always work. The right thing could very well be the wrong thing when parenting an adopted child.

Additionally, be careful with your words around adoptive families. Avoid asking questions about the child’s past or how much the child cost. These children are not commodities, and their story is theirs to share.

5. Treat the Child as Human
Once the child arrives at their new home, it’s an exciting time, no doubt! However, that child is not a celebrity—they are human. Taking photos of the newly adopted child and pouring all of your attention on them while disregarding the mom’s other children isn’t healthy.

View the family as a normal family. Plus, talk openly with your own children that adoption and children who may look different are normal. This helps the adopted child feel welcome and safe.

6. Offer Financial Resources
Adoption can be expensive. Many families look for ways to reduce the cost of adoption. You certainly don’t have to give the family cash directly, but you can help with fundraisers or other ways to help them with the cost.

Attend fundraising events that the family hosts or ask if you can help organize a fundraiser for them. Any bit of financial help goes a long way, and the parents will feel appreciated and supported by your gesture.

7. Listen
One of the most important ways you can support adoptive moms is by simply listening. This is good advice for any relationship, but if you have a friend or family member who is adopting, listen more than you talk. Your friend’s world is drastically changing as she learns new knowledge through the adoption process.

You might feel uncomfortable with some topics, but your friend needs that time to talk and process. She is sharing because she wants someone to listen, not for someone to offer advice. Plus, by actively listening, you can better support, understand and communicate with your friend.

8. Support & Encourage Them From the Start
When you hear that your friend is adopting, be there for them from the start. The adoption process can be long and draining, but it’s also rewarding and exciting in the end. Adoptive moms need all the encouragement they can get, so use these tips to support them!

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

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Kids Are Having “Fiver Parties” & It Will Change the Way You Do Birthdays

by Shahrzad Warkentin

If you haven’t yet heard about the fiver birthday party trend, it could change the way you plan parties from now on—and we bet your guests will love it, too.

The “fiver party” is a simple solution for both attendees and hosts when it comes to the big birthday gift dilemma. Instead of gifts, guests are simply asked to bring five dollars for the birthday kid. With a dozen or more kids in attendance, those “fivers” will quickly add up to a decent sum that can be used toward one big gift.

It’s a win-win for parents and guests, as you’ll eliminate that stack of presents that will barely fit in your overflowing playroom. Plus, guests can save money and skip the hassle of having to shop. The only downside is that young kids might miss the fun and excitement of unwrapping gifts or choosing a special present for their friend. At the end of the day, though, the birthday boy or girl will be able to use the money for something they will truly want and cherish.

If you’d like to throw your own fiver party, make sure you discuss the plan in advance with your kid so they can get excited about what they plan to spend their special birthday money on. And remember, it doesn’t have to be a toy. It can go toward an experience or become a donation to an important charity of the kid’s choosing. Make it clear in the invitation what a “fiver party” means—while it is a growing trend, some parents might not be in the loop.

According to TODAY.com, Amy McCready, author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World, suggests wording the invite like this:

“We’re trying to help [NAME] focus on the joy of celebrating this special occasion with his cherished friends rather than on receiving gifts.

To that end, we hope you’ll consider NO GIFTS. For those who feel uncomfortable with that, we ask you consider NO MORE THAN a $5 gift card or cash that he can put towards something special he’s saving for. Thanks for understanding and celebrating with us.”

Hopefully, we’ll see this birthday trend take off even more in 2023.

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How to Raise Empathetic Kids

by #MomLife

 

Vivian Wynter

Vivian Wynter is a multi-hyphenate and mom to her toddler Luna. She spends her time as a beauty and lifestyle entrepreneur, content creator and entertainer.

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What would it look like if the people we went to for help in our most vulnerable moments were never able to empathize with us and put themselves in our position? 

What if every time we went to our parents, medical professionals, teachers, bosses, and government entities to create a more fulfilled life, we were met with, “Okay. What do you want me to do about it?”  WOW! Talk about feeling frustrated and not seen.

So, how do we create and practice empathy?
Is it taught?
Is it fostered?
Is it too late for our teenage and adult children?
Is it too late for us?

Absolutely Not!

But, it is something to actively work on if you weren’t raised in an empathetic household, which applies to most people (count yourself extremely lucky if you were).

How can we expect others to empathize with our social, cultural, and economic situations if we neglect to empower those same sentiments in our future leaders and neighbors; the very ones we’ll need more and more as time goes on.

It can be a cold, hard world. Wouldn’t empathy and support from all make parenthood and life feel more worthwhile?

Now look y’all, I’m no parenting expert. I’m just a humble mom raised in the gracious south to an empathetic family and support system, who have always loved children. But, as a K-12 educator in all facets, former cheer coach, and communications and client service professional dealing with the public at-large for the last 17 years; I CAN tell you trends I’ve seen which give me a glimmer of hope that if every person committed to teaching and embracing empathy for all- this would be a pretty cool world.

Here’s What I Know For Sure- 

  1. Empathy has no gender; anyone and everyone can be empathetic.
  2. Selfishness is taught and learned through observation.  Empathy comes naturally to every human; nurture it and make it a normal part of everyday life.

I love people, peace, and bringing the two together.  Since childhood I’ve had this internal pull to ensure people feel seen, heard, and safe.  My personal love language is, “Acts of Service” a.k.a. HELP!!  So, becoming a Communications professional was a natural fit as it’s the study of psychology, sociology, and social and cultural contexts, which are the 4 pillars of our personal communication style.

To learn and practice empathy, we’ll need to begin within.  Yes y’all!  I’m talking about that ‘heart work’. These things may feel uncomfortable, but are necessary to be the best parents we can be to our babies!

So.. without further adieu, let’s get to it!

1

Breathe Like A Bear book

Breeeeathe Like A Bear

$13.49

Mindful moments for kids to feel calm, you can do anytime

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2

Dash Finds His Inner Peace

Dash Finds His Inner Peace

$9.99

This book gives the woosah we all need relaxation book for kids (and parents too)

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3

Social Skills Activities for Kids book

Builds social skills and interactions

$11

A quick, fun dose of conversation starters and social graces

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4

Joyin Doctors Pretend Play Kit

Play-Pretend, and care

$21.99

Fosters imagination, care and career possibilities in children

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5

Have you Filled a Bucket Today book

A great reminder of the little things in life

$7.79

Teaches gratitude, good welfare, and empathy in kids

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6

FurReal Friends Pax My Poopin Pup Plush Toy

PET DOG - Vivian Wynter

$43.24

Teaches empathy, care, and responsibility

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7

Andre The Best Big Brother book

Exemplifies sibling care

$5.99

Andre is a great example of how to care for a younger sibling

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8

Me and My Feelings book

A kid's guide to understanding feelings

$9.70

Teaches kids how to manage and express their big emotions

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9

Feelings and Emotions Flash Cards

Flashcards of emotions

$19.49 BUY NOW

Teaches kids the words they need to identify big emotions, and extend empathy.

What’s Up, Doc: Choosing a Pediatrician for Your Child

by Haley Burress

Pediatricians are so much more than a just your baby’s doctor, they become confidants, guides, encouragers, honest opinions and friendly faces. Trying to find the right pediatrician can be a dance; you need to dodge the docs that don’t jive with your parenting philosophy while holding on to the doctor that makes you feel cared for and listened to. During those crazy first months with a newborn, you’ll visit the pediatrician often. And after that, you’ll be there for annual well visits and for any health issues that come up throughout the year. You need someone you trust and someone who trusts your maternal instincts. So, what should you look for when searching for the perfect pediatrician? Here are a few of our tips for narrowing down the field.

baby-pediatrician

photo: Julie Seguss

1. Check your network.
It sounds easy enough, but don’t forget to be sure that your pediatrician of choice is in your health insurance network. Even better, be sure that your pediatrician of choice has access and rights at your preferred hospital. If you live in a large city or suburb, the hospital closest to you may not be one that your pediatrician is affiliated with; while it may not be a big deal if you have a healthy child, it can cause problems if you need your pediatrician to follow your child in the hospital.

2. Choose whether you want to see aractice or an individual.
Decide if you prefer a practice, meaning a group of pediatricians, or an individual doctor. There are certainly benefits to both, but with a practice you are increasing your chances of getting an appointment quickly when needed, at hours that fit your busy schedule.

3. Convenience is key.
During the first year of your child’s life, you are at the doctor’s office a lot. A lot. Between immunizations and well baby checks, you are going to become besties with your pediatrician’s receptionist. Add in a few sick visits, and you will have more appointments with the pediatrician than you have date nights with your hubs. Since you will be spending a lot of time there, pick an office that is relatively close and accessible to you. Trust us, you’ll appreciate not having to drive across town and park two blocks away in the middle of winter when your child has a fever.

4. Ask for recommendations.
Rally your mom friends to ask for pediatrician recommendations. Sure, you’ll hear good things and bad things about nearly every practice you’re considering, but getting the experiences of your pals will help you make a more solid decision.

via Cheryl on Flickr creative commons

photo via Cheryl on Flickr

5. Take a test drive.
Many times, pediatricians will have open-house events for expecting parents. Use this time to meet the doctors, find out their policies and see if they appear to be a match for your parenting style and preferences. You’ll learn what makes the office standout too: Do they have separate entrances for sick and well patients, what do the exam rooms look like, and can they do the latest tests right in the office?

6. Look at special services.
Some pediatrician offices have specialists on staff that may come in handy during your child’s early years. Look for offices that have a lactation consultant on staff, or practices that have allergy specialists. Nursing or not, allergies or not, these staff members can be invaluable assets when you do need them.

7. Dial in.
Ask about the office’s phone call policy. Some practices are strict about not walking through issues on the phone, but prefer parents to bring the child into the office. However, sometimes you may just need a few questions answered via phone instead of schlepping your infant carrier into the office. Ask if there are nurses available to answer reasonable questions via phone.

8. Check the clock.
Take a look at the hours of the offices you are investigating, and make sure those match with your schedule. Practices often have the luxury of having more evening and weekend hours, but be sure that your office has hours that you can actually swing with work and other obligations.

9. Emergency, emergency.
Emergencies are going to happen, and you are going to have questions in the middle of the night. We may know of a certain story of a two-year-old swallowing a rock while giving it a bath in the tub and a certain daddy freaking out about it and paging the pediatrician after hours to determine if said rock would pass on its own. Weird things are going to happen, and scary things (like your first real fever) are going to happen; you are going to need after-hours support. Ask about your office’s pager policy and any restrictions that may make you feel uncomfortable.

photo: iStock

10. Feel the vibe.
Sometimes, when it comes down to it, your intuition will guide you to the office that feels like home. Sure, you want a well-respected and experienced doctor, but you also want someone who can offer a deep breath when you are freaking out and a high-five when you need one.

Take the time to find the right pediatrician for your family. You will be glad that you did, especially when your toddler swallows a rock in the bathtub.

—Haley Burress

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6 Ways to Build & Boost Your Daughter’s Self-Confidence

By Lindsay Sealey

Is your daughter (or the growing girl in your life)…1. NEVER confident? 2. SOMETIMES confident? or 3. ALWAYS confident?

If you are like most parents, teachers, and girl champions today, you will likely see that she is wavering between numbers 1 and 2, unlikely to be anywhere near number 3. I am so curious why girls seem to be confident until around age 8 or 9. Then, their confidence wanes, enormously. What happens? Where does this confidence go? And, most importantly, how do we work together to build and boost her self-confidence?

What Is Confidence? 
Put simply, confidence is feeling strong and secure in yourself and your abilities and knowing you are capable of developing even more of your skills and talents to become even more confident. Why does confidence matter? Confident girls feel more happy and healthy. They are much more willing to take risks and show their bravery and adapt to changes. The most confident girls I know don’t spend a lot of time on their devices, they are engaged and involved in many different activities, and they don’t seem to care about what others think of them. Refreshing but rare.

Why Does a Girl Seem to “Lose” Her Confidence as She Grows? 
Girls seem to lose their confidence in a “perfect storm” of changes as they grow. They begin to have an awareness of how they compare to their peers and they start to evaluate (am I taller, smaller, smarter, less smart, as popular, not as popular, prettier or less pretty than so and so?). At the same time, their bodies start to change (at different rates, of course), their thinking becomes more shaped by their perception of how others seem them, and they are sensitive to what others think of them. Since they also need to gain peer acceptance (and fear judgment, criticism, and, ultimately, rejection) they change themselves to fit in. So, it’s no wonder they hold back and shy away from bravery, morph themselves into who others want them to be, and diminish their uniqueness. And, at the very seem time, they have 24/7 access to something called social media—perfected and polished images for them to see and though they love their phones, they do not realize how this is damaging their self-confidence and feelings of “not good enough.” 

Do you see how it is no wonder her confidence diminishes?

How Do We Work Together to Build & Boost Her Confidence? 

​​​​​​​Here are my top 6 tips to help you get started:

1. Be a positive power of example to her: you can tell her to “be confident” but more helpful, you will have to show her how it’s done —with your words—how you speak to yourself and also to others (and about others), with your body language—posture is everything, and with your actions, challenging yourself to speak up when you have been wronged and taking chances that may make you feel uncomfortable. 

2. Together, find examples of confidence in the girls she may be following online or watching on Netflix: talk about why they seem confident and if she is willing to try to emulate these girls in any way. What about Malala Yousafsai, Zendaya, Greta Thunberg, or any of the girls from the Babysitter’s Club Netflix series? Help her find and follow girls who are taking big steps, breaking glass ceilings, speaking up and out, making a difference, and shaping our world.

3. Practice how she speaks: words are EVERYTHING. First, to herself. Instead of, “I am just not good at reading”, ask her to try, “I am working hard on my reading skills and improving every day.” Then, with others. Instead of “I kind of think I might want to try a new restaurant for dinner”, ask her to say, “I would like to try a new restaurant” —clear and concise!

4. Work on her body language: essentially, this can help her feel more confident from the inside out but it also can show others she believes in herself. Body language includes: standing tall, chin out, shoulders back, and good eye contact. Practice makes progress (especially when it comes to muscle memory).

5. Finally, work on her skillset: I promise you, the more competent she feels the more confident she can feel too. To start, ask her what skills and talents she already has (girls tend to discount and discredit the work they have already achieved) from being a good friend, creating videos on Tik Tok, or being your sous chef. Then, ask her what skills she wants to develop—come up with a broad and expansive list that could include: learning to bake or cook; adventuring with hiking, biking, or swimming; starting a group for a fundraiser for the food bank or an environmental club. After all, we want our girls to be “all-rounders.” 

6. Teach her to be brave: taking risks—whether this is making a new friend, ordering for herself at Starbucks, or trying new activities is never easy—and you may need to do this in tandem. Break new skills into small acts of micro-bravery. Remind her that skill development takes time and practice but she has done it before and she can do it again! Finally, teach her that failure is a good thing; it is an opportunity to try again, to improve, and to grow even more. I can’t tell you how critical it is that we build and boost her confidence—not just today, but every day! In the words of the Dalai Lama, “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.”  

Lindsay Sealey, MA Ed. is an educator, speaker, consultant, and author of Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Preteen Years and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready now available on Amazon and Audible. She is the founder and CEO of Bold New Girls and Brave New Boys.

 

 

 

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls and Brave New Boys teaching and coaching for girls, boys, and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

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5 Reasons Why I’m Striving to Be a Less Productive Parent This Year

By Amy Carney

Photo: Amy Carney

Let’s get right to it: Our kids need us to stop being so productive in our parenting so that they can learn how to be productive in their own lives. Let’s run through what a typical day might look like for a “productive” parent.

In the morning the productive parent wakes the child up. The productive parent makes the breakfast. Goes back in to wake their sleeping beauty again. Packs the lunch. Throws in the laundry. Cleans up after breakfast. Reminds Johnny to take his washed and folded PE uniform and his library book that is due.Off to school, he goes.

Good thing he has a cell phone to text Mom when he realizes she forgot to remind him to bring his math book. And because the productive parent wouldn’t want him to be without what he needs, she runs it to school. And the scenario goes on….

Is it possible that our productive parenting is hindering our children from becoming productive adults?

Our goal as parents is to (hopefully) raise a confident, responsible and independent adult who can capably live in the real world one day without us. It’s time to recognize if we are stealing opportunities from our child to grow into the productive person they are meant to be.

Here are five reasons I’m trying to be a less productive parent in 2018—and why other parents should join me in my efforts.

1. Our kids don’t know how to fail.

We can’t stand to watch our offspring face disappointment and hardship so we do all we can to keep our babies from feeling discomfort. We know that failure doesn’t feel good and we want our children happy, so we shield and protect them from anything that may make them feel uncomfortable. But as adults, we have mistakingly forgotten that failure is a necessary part of life. How will we ever know when we’ve truly succeeded if we’ve never been allowed to fail?

 Most of our parents didn’t pick up the pieces when things fell apart for us. We learned how to do that ourselves. Why then aren’t we allowing our children the same space to learn and grow from negative experiences?

2. Our kids don’t know how to problem solve.

Recently I interviewed several university deans, professors, teachers and employers about the differences between young adults today compared to past generations. They unanimously said that adolescents don’t know how to solve problems for themselves.

Who’s to blame for this? Siri and Alexa get my vote—but so do parents. No matter who’s to blame, we as parents have to be adamant about giving our child the confidence and space to figure out solutions for themselves. Only then will they get to experience the consequences that follow their decisions—good and bad. How can we begin to empower our children to make choices for themselves instead of them relying on us or technology to do the work for them?

3. Our kids don’t know how to fend for themselves.

My viral post on the “8 Things You Should Stop Doing For Your Child” touched on how we need to purposely raise an adult instead of big kids who leave our home clueless instead of capable. 

It’s up to us parents to let our child become productive instead of us continuously producing for them. It is the rare child who is going to ask to wake themselves up, do their own laundry, make their own breakfast, fill out their own paperwork and the list goes on. Children of all ages like having things done for them, so you are going to have to take the lead in teaching them what they need to know.

As parents, we must strive to balance nurturing our child and teaching them life skills. Don’t mistake doing everything for your teen as love. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your child is to say no to bringing that forgotten item to them at school. 

4. Our kids don’t know how to be face-to-face with another human.

Technology is ruining childhood if you haven’t figured that out already. We parents must have boundaries and rules for our smart devices, so our child grows up learning that their iPhone is an asset—not a part of their anatomy.

We must carve out space in our child’s life for them to be with people of all ages in person without a screen to hide behind. The group of professionals I interviewed agreed that young adults are very unsure of themselves in social settings today. They don’t know how to look another person in the eye or how to have casual, yet meaningful conversation face-to-face. It’s up to us as parents to create opportunities for our children to develop lifelong relationship and communication skills which are not going to happen by using Snapchat.

5. Our kids don’t know how to wait for anything.

I blame the brilliance of Amazon and their uber-productive shopping experience. Why wait for anything anymore when you know you can quickly click a few buttons on this website and have your desire in hand tomorrow? What can possibly be wrong with that? The concept of waiting for something you want or need is lost on the younger generation, thanks to Amazon. It’s up to us to teach our children how to wait. To wait for items that they want. To wait in lines. To wait to do things that aren’t appropriate for their age yet. 

With our over-productive parenting, we are creating a generation of kids who is afraid to fail, unable to problem solve, unwilling to help around the house, uncomfortable in the presence of other humans and who don’t want to wait for a thing. 

Parents, we must purposely be a bit more unproductive this year so that our children can become the productive people that they are meant to be.

Amy is the author of the book Parent on Purpose: A Courageous Approach to Raising Children in a Complicated World. Her work can be found at www.amycarney.com. She and her retired NHL playing husband, Keith, are raising 18-year-old triplet sons, a 16-year-old daughter, and a recently adopted 13-year-old son. 

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Oh, Awkward! Top 10 List

By Ruthi Davis

Dear Confessional,

I am a magnet. Seriously, if there’s an embarrassing moment or clumsy situation to happen, I may just be that person. Thankfully, as an adult, I have finally grown enough confidence to no longer get embarrassed that easily. I can embrace my imperfections like a champ and will probably bust out with a few jokes along the way to make it more fun. I am that person.

However, those grey areas—somewhere between laughter and cringing that are tricker to navigate—are those awkward moments. You know, those subtle and delicate situations where you carefully tiptoe on eggshells between totally weird and definitely insulting. People normally don’t talk about it or bring it up unless with a trusted friend or partner. That’s why I’ve decided to open up these awkward moments for your relating, laughter, and communication.

Enjoy knowing that you’re not the only one with this entertaining top 10 list of most awkward scenarios.

1.  Dentist Dilemmas

Handy Helpers: During a visit, have you ever noticed that your hands are the most disturbing appendage? Yes, the dental appointment can feel uncomfortable and sometimes painful, but what do you do with your hands? Do they lay on both sides of your legs like a corpse? Do they get folded over your stomach like you’re faking being relaxed, resting, or getting a facial? Do your hands hold each other for a loving grasp, lean to each other for comforting, or offer a more corporate and purposeful look?

Eye Sore: Also, what do you look at during an appointment? Do you look around the room? Are you staring into the dentist’s eyes without being weird, until you realize that those goggles are reflective and you can actually see what’s happening in your mouth? Before you get creeped out, do you close your eyes to shut it all out?

2.  Dine & Whine

You just sat down at a fancy reception or evening out among new friends. You set your linen down on your lap and do your best to show proper manners. The appetizer arrives and you’re starving, and so you take a generous bite. Mid-chew, it hits you. You freeze—completely horrified at what has just invaded your sorry palette, but you try not to let it show. With a nervous smile, sheer panic sets in. Just plain nasty, and you know you’re totally screwed, scrambling where to spit it out. What do you do? Do you chew? Swallow it whole? Gracefully spit into your linen and hide it somewhere? Excuse yourself to the bathroom trying to hide that lump in your cheek? Total panic.

3.  Toot Toot

Ok, I am a lady, BUT someone’s got to shed light (or spray some air freshener) on this questionable situation. Have you ever been mid-isle in a store or a public place that is completely quiet and then get that really uncomfortable cramp that tells you something is about to happen? You know, you toy with the idea of slowly relieving some hot air, so that nobody is the wiser? But what happens when it erupts in a gastrous explosion? Do you fake being surprised by it? Do you laugh out loud at yourself even though others are watching? Do you apologize to the horrified witnesses and quickly creep away? What if you can’t quickly walk away and don’t have a baby to fake blame a dirty diaper? Do you pretend it never happened? Yep. Busted.

4.  Non-Pregnancy Pointing

Whether you have children or not, many have experienced this unfortunate baby blunder. Empathize with a woman about her pregnancy by asking how much longer until the baby arrives—only to learn that she’s NOT pregnant or already had the baby. How about your child pointing to a MAN or an overweight woman and then loudly asking if that person has a baby inside. Just awful for both sides. What to do—apologize profusely? Dare to explain your rationale? Slowly walk away? Offer an apologetic half-smile and silently part ways?

5.  Small Talk Torture

I understand that doctors of all kinds try and build rapport with their patients by engaging in some sort of small talk before and during a procedure. However, timing is everything… and sometimes it’s just down right wrong. For instance, I personally have a hard time answering parenting questions with a sharp and pointy scraper tool scratching around my teeth and excruciatingly stabbing my gums—not to mention that little spit sucker tool making weird noises every time you try and get a word out. Sorry doc, just not in a chatty mood. Let’s not forget the dreaded gyno appointment where doctors like to ask you about college, your profession, or Summer plans while high-fiving your uterus. Sorry if I seem to have a loss for words during that friendly convo, but I’m more concerned about what to stare at on the ceiling to avoid losing it. Let’s talk later, mmK?!

6.  Beware of the Stare

Big zits are no fun, and most of us have experienced “the one” that will linger long enough for you to have no clue what to do about it. Whether you’re that unlucky person feeling like wearing a paper bag over your head, wearing layers upon layers of makeup that will never work, or feel like this North Star will smack any passerby in the face with its obvious presence, I’m just plain sorry. I’ve been there many times too. But, have you ever been on the other side of this sorry fence? You try and look away, but you just can’t. There’s some kind of magnetic force that will not allow your eyes to stop staring, as if it will disappear if you stare at it harder. Do you look away? Stare between the eyes only?

7.  Teeth Food

It’s that moment when you come across someone and that big blob of food is just wedged in between those big front teeth, glued mid-cheek, or pitifully splattered all over the unsuspecting person’s chin. You are now put to the test. Do you tell? Pretend it’s not there? Be a kind societal samaritan and let that person know?

8.  Language Barriers

When communicating with a foreigner, have you ever struggled so hard to understand the person through his/her thick accent? After about the third time of asking the person to repeat, it’s now obvious that either you’re just plain stupid or have no clue what he/she is saying. When cutting the convo short is unsuccessful, and faking the conversation with a standard smile and nod are no longer appropriate, what do you do? Sometimes I find myself uncontrollably squinting, as if seeing better will help me to understand what’s happening out of his/her mouth.

9.  Spread ‘Em

Sorry women, but I have to go there. Gynaecology visits. As necessary as they may be—and even after having four children myself—they are supreme queen of awkwardness. I have lived in a country where I was asked to strip down, completely nude, and then only handed a small square of paper towel to “cover” if I needed. This scenario was absolutely awful enough, coupled with the dreaded stirrups. Let me make it clear that I not only speak for myself in that this seating arrangement and device that feels like a car-jack in your special parts will never allow me to “relax” as the doctor pleads, sorry. Not happening.

10. Stink, Stank, Hello

Even if we don’t talk about it, it’s there and it lingers. You took your time in the only toilet at a restaurant, and made a hefty deposit. Someone has been waiting outside that door for quite a while, and you know what they’re in for. Do you smile upon your exit? Do you look at him/her in the eye? Do you fake blame it on the person before you with that bewildered expression? Do you offer you’re most concerned look as a subtle apology for having to follow your legacy? “Sorry dude for the doodie?”

Just. Plain. Awkward.

I certainly know I’m not the only one, so please feel free to lend your most awkward scenarios or your thoughts on how to handle these most unpleasant situations.

with Love,

Ruthi

Ruthi Davis is a the Founder of Ruth Davis Consulting LLC with over two decades of success in advertising/marketing, media/publicity, business development, client relations, and organizational optimization for a variety of clients. Ruthi is a proud mom and influencer in the parenting and family market as founder of the Superfly Supermom brand.

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Getting Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

By Laurie Rinke

My feet were dangling off the chair lift as I contemplated how far the ground was below my skis. It was my first-time skiing. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I was contemplating giving up. Then I vividly remembered seeing my first client while working towards my Master’s in Social Work. In my head I was thinking, “Wow, this woman has some significant concerns, she should see someone for help.” I realized that I was that “someone.” Feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable then, I wondered if I should give up.

This morning I had an opportunity to go to a shared workspace called, The Wing. I wondered if I could make phone calls there, if they had coffee, and if it would be comfortable and friendly. I thought about going to a familiar Starbucks. Forcing myself to press the buttons on the elevator, I felt self-conscious, uncomfortable and thought about giving up.

None of the above examples felt good or comfortable. All of the uncomfortable feelings caused me to question myself and what I was doing. I thought about surrendering to the fear and discomfort and giving up. In all three cases, thankfully, I didn’t. I skied down the mountain. I connected with my client. At the workspace, I had coffee, was productive, and ran into someone I knew! In all those examples I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable in order to do something positive. While these moments seem like minor accomplishments in the grand scheme of life, each uncomfortable experience that you face helps you become a little more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Not to mention that the practice of feeling uncomfortable, in the relatively less impactful moments is the practice you need to face the bigger and more impactful uncomfortable moments, like your first summer at away camp, going off to college, starting a new job, or moving to a new place.

Now, I am not saying that feeling of being uncomfortable feels good or goes away. It is uncomfortable, after all. At every stage in our lives, there are moments, big and small, that will make you feel uncomfortable. One of the most important skills that every person needs to develop is finding a way to be comfortable, feeling uncomfortable. If you do not develop the skill of being comfortable while feeling uncomfortable, then you are, and will stay, stuck. You can not move forward or grow as a person if you are stuck. The way to get unstuck is to find ways to be comfortable while feeling uncomfortable. 

Let’s start by taking smart risks and knowing where your supports are. When I was sitting on the chairlift for the first time, feeling uncomfortable, I knew that people go skiing every day and that the group instructor was there waiting for me. When I was looking into the eyes of my very first client, feeling uncomfortable, I remembered that this was what I was in school to do. I knew I took classes and knew that my Social Work supervisor was going to review the session with me too. When I was stepping into the shared workspace, feeling uncomfortable, I knew that people before me had figured it out. I had my computer, phone, and could network with people. I believed in myself and that, however self-conscious I felt, I could face the unknown. In each of these situations, I knew it was a safe risk. I knew what my supports were, and I knew I would never be able to move forward in the life experiences I wanted if I didn’t find comfort in being uncomfortable.

We live in a world where we see the very feeling of being uncomfortable as “bad” and a thing to avoid. The more we avoid the thing that makes us uncomfortable the more anxious we become about the uncomfortable feeling. Avoiding the uncomfortable feeling gets in the way of doing the things we want to do, of growing, and truly living the lives we want to live. Ironically, avoiding the uncomfortable feeling does not make us less uncomfortable, but actually makes us anxious. When there is an avoidance of feeling uncomfortable we unconsciously begin to doubt our abilities and become insecure. That grows our anxiety and makes us anxious. The anxiety brings more self-doubt and self-doubt makes us uncomfortable. It is a vicious circle of feeling uncomfortable, avoidance, self-doubt, anxiety, and back to feeling uncomfortable. It keeps us stuck, insecure, and anxious. 

The interesting thing is that the antidote for anxiety, self-doubt, and being stuck is to find comfort in feeling uncomfortable. We have to learn that feeling uncomfortable is not harmful, but actually helpful. We have to allow those around us to feel uncomfortable and not rescue them from that feeling. We have to model that we can feel uncomfortable and get through that feeling by facing it. When feeling uncomfortable in a situation, remind yourself of your preparation for that situation, your support systems, and believe in a positive outcome. By finding a level of comfort in the uncomfortable we can push forward in a positive way and embrace life to the fullest. 

The good news is, we can get comfortable feeling uncomfortable. We just need to practice. Get on that chairlift, believe in the preparation you get in your education and training, trust in who you are, and try new things. Embrace the feeling of being uncomfortable and teach yourself what you need in those uncomfortable moments to feel that fear, and do that thing anyway. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. 

 

Laurie is the Owner/Director of Camp Echo Lake. Psychology and Education major from Emory. MSW from NYU. She serves on the American Camp Association NY-NJ Board, the Girls Leadership NY Board, and with Project Morry. From Port Washington, NY, lived in NYC, Laurie now happily resides in the Adirondacks, surrounded by love and happiness.

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How to Create Healthy Boundaries for Kids

By Laurie Warren

Photo: iStock

Our school-aged kids have embarked on a new school year. For both parent and child, this time of transition can present both promise and challenge. One form of challenge is the significant pressure felt by kids to have, do, fit in and achieve. Kids perceive subtle and not-so-subtle pressures from the adults in their lives, from their peers and from society-at-large. Healthy boundaries, and communication of those boundaries, are important allies for our kids’ mental health and well-being—for a lifetime.

What are boundaries? Healthy boundaries are created by a child knowing what is okay and not okay for them, at a given time, along with the ability to communicate about that okay-ness or not-okay-ness—with both their peers and adults. We teach our kids that when they stand in who they are, they’re strengthened by the self-respect and self-love that arises from them honoring what’s okay and not okay for them.

Lack of healthy boundaries contributes to anxiety, stress, depression and overwhelm our kids. Meanwhile, creating and maintaining healthy boundaries can help our child feel confident, resilient, happy, comfortable in their life and centered in who they are. There are six approaches—three for you and three to teach your kids—that will help you guide your child in starting off their school year happier and healthier while building tools for life.

Start With You (For Parents)

1. Build your own boundary-setting skills.

Most anything in the parenting department must start with us, as opposed to simply things we tell our kids. In this case, having healthy boundaries and saying no are skills that many adults struggle with! And our kids learn most by what we model to them, as opposed to what we tell them. I invite you to use the approaches below to create healthy boundaries in your own life.

2. Release the pressure valve.

Our Gen Z kids have an immense amount of societal and parental pressure on them to be amazing and successful. Often without any definition of what comprises “amazing” or “successful.” The message often seems to simply be “more, better, faster.” Be mindful of how much you may be pressuring your child—even subtly— around grades, extra-curricular activities, college entry, and social status.

My youngest child, now 17, created a healthy boundary with me last year. He’s interested in attending college, and when I told him this past spring that we’d only visited one college and we needed to get cracking on college visits, he disagreed. “Mom, there’s basically two colleges I’m interested in going to, and I expect I’ll get in. I don’t want to take any more time out of school for these college visits. It’s stressful to constantly be catching up.” Point taken.

3. Pay attention to your child’s feelings.

If your child is continually talking about feeling stressed, overburdened or overwhelmed—or you notice them staying up too late to finish homework—open a dialogue about time management, saying no and boundaries. This doesn’t always ensure that they’ll open up to you at the moment, but the door has been opened for them to come to you for help, once they have time to sort out their feelings.

Teaching Your Kids How to Create Healthy Boundaries

1. Start a dialogue about “no” and healthy boundaries.

Open the conversation about boundaries and re-visit it every so often, especially when you sense a child is struggling with it. Help your child be clear about what is okay, and not okay, for them. They need to be able to say no to their peers and, in some cases, adults.

2. Rehearse phrases for “no” and boundary-setting.

It’s hard to say no and set boundaries; this is true for adults and even more so for kids. Our kids can feel supported in this endeavor by learning to communicate clearly and kindly by rehearsing phrases like, “That’s not comfortable for me” or “Thanks, but I’m not interested” or “Unfortunately, I can’t take that on” or “Sounds fun, but I have to pass.” These practiced responses can be game-changers when kids are able to pull them out at the moment, helping them navigate a situation that might otherwise feel uncomfortable.

3. Help your child build confidence and resilience.

Saying no and being clear about boundaries can help build confidence and resilience, and building confidence and resilience can help kids be better at saying no and being clear about boundaries. Unfortunately, practicing these skills that we’re discussing can be challenging from a place of “I’m not enough.”

Help your kids see and appreciate their strengths. I’ve often been amazed to find that my kids can be blind to their own inherent strengths and gifts and that it can be game-changing for them to have them lovingly pointed out for them. We can also encourage our kids to get involved in hobbies, chores, sports or organizations where they feel like a valuable creator or contributor.

Saying no and creating healthy boundaries is a muscle that we build up over time so that it becomes easier to call upon when we need it, and to use as a life tool. The great news is, that the effort you expend in working with your kids on this, will serve you as well!

I work as a change agent for empowered well-being in body, mind, and spirit. I help people and organizations be healthier and happier via speaking, writing, corporate consulting, and working with individual clients. I enjoy nature, music, reading, travel, my four kids, and my two grandchildren.

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