Photo: @Ariel Skelley – The Images Bank/Getty images

Occasional feelings of anger and frustration are normal, especially during stressful times. Learning to manage those big feelings is an essential part of SEL.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, many children are facing new challenges such as online learning. In addition to the ordinary school challenges such as making friends and learning multiplication tables, children face tech problems like weak internet and login troubles. All this can easily lead to moments of anger and frustration.

Research in SEL provides guidance in how to help children understand and manage their big emotions. Self-awareness is a foundation of SEL. According to Greater Good in Education, a project by the University of California at Berkeley, self-awareness is the ability to be aware of one’s inner life. This includes one’s emotions, thoughts, behaviors, values, preferences, goals, strengths, attitudes, and mindsets, as well as how these elements impact behavior and choices.

In short, when we can name and understand our own emotions we are better able to develop strategies for managing strong feeling in productive ways.

Let’s look at five key strategies for self-awareness that are frequently cited in SEL curricula: Name your feelings, practice calm breathing, take a break, try one thing, and reflect on what happened.

Name Your Feelings

When your child is angry or frustrated, try to help them put their feelings into words. Ask, “How are you feeling right now?” If they are not able to answer, offer some options, such as, “I wonder if you’re feeling frustrated?”

Words to offer younger children might include: mad sad tired hungry grumpy

Older children may understand and choose more complex words such as: angry hurt enraged annoyed furious confused embarrassed irritated offended

Sometimes children are too upset to speak. Pointing to a picture on a feeling chart or in a children’s book such as Glad Monster, Sad Monster is also a good way to communicate feelings.

Another helpful strategy parents can try is describing what you see. “I see that you are covering your face with your hands,” or “I see that you’re kicking your chair.” Affirm that everyone has big feelings, but set clear limits if your child is acting in a way that could be dangerous. “It’s OK to be angry. It’s not OK to hit.”

When your child has been able to express how they’re feeling and those feelings have been affirmed, your child will be better able to calm down and move forward.

Practice Calm Breathing

Mindfulness practices help both adults and children feel calm. Belly breathing is a simple technique that even very young children can learn. This simple practice involves taking deep breaths that engage the large muscle in our bellies called the diaphragm.

Teach your child to practice belly breathing at a time when they are relaxed. Once they have had a positive experience with belly breathing, they will remember what that felt like. When they are upset and practice belly breathing, their body will already know what it feels to become calm and breathe deeply.

To practice belly breathing:

  1. Have your child lie down on their back, relax their muscles, and place their hands (or balance a small toy) on their belly.
  2. With their mouth closed, have your child breathe in for about four seconds, feeling their chest and belly rise and fill with air (or the small toy will rise).
  3. Have your child hold in the air for about four seconds
  4. Have your child slowly blow out all the air through their mouth. Repeat until the body feels relaxed.

You may enjoy practicing belly breathing with your child. For the greatest benefit, practice this technique every day. It only takes a few minutes.

Take a Break

If your child is feeling frustrated during remote learning, encourage them to take a short break. This can be difficult to do during a live lesson when students are expected to be logged in and visible on camera. Yet sometimes we all just need to step away from the source of our frustrations.

Check-in with your child’s teacher and find out the expectations and options for student participation during different types of lessons. Help your child plan in advance for different ways they can take care of themselves when they’re feeling frustrated during class, such as standing up, stretching, and walking around the room.

Movement relieves stress. Encourage your child to take a walk, throw a ball, or knead a lump of clay when they are feeling strong emotions.

Try One Thing

Once your child has identified their feelings and taken a positive step toward calming down, they may be ready to try to solve the problem that caused the stress in the first place.

Perhaps your child is frustrated because they can’t find the link to a website they need for an assignment. Ask your child, “What’s one thing you could try?” If your child is too young or too frustrated to come up with their own idea, offer a few suggestions and ask them to choose one to try. For example, you might say, “Here are two ideas: You could look through your notes and see if you can find the link. Or you could email your teacher and ask for help. Which idea do you want to try?”

The important thing is to help your child make a choice and move forward.

Reflect on What Happened

When the problem has been resolved and your child is feeling calm again, help your child think about what happened. Ask open-ended questions such as, “If you could start the day over again, would you do anything different?” or “Now that you know how to fix that problem, how will that change the way you do things in the future?” These reflective conversations can help your child become a better problem-solver.

These are just five tips for helping your child when they feel big feelings like anger and frustration. The most important thing you can do as a parent is listen to them and affirm their feelings. Over time, as your child grows and matures, they will develop their own strategies for managing strong emotions.

Sources

Greater Good in Education, “SEL for Students: Self Awareness and Self-Management,” [n.d.]
PBS Kids for Parents, “Practice Mindfulness with Belly Breathing,” [n.d.]
Perris, Jaime, “Beginning Mindfulness Practices for Families,” 2020

Learn More

Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning
Collaborative for Academic and Social and Emotional Learning
Perris, Jaime, “Your Family’s Guide to SEL,” 2020

 

This post originally appeared on parents.britannica.com.
Britannica For Parents
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

We’re living in a time when it’s nearly impossible to distinguish fact from fiction. Parents need information they trust to help them make good decisions about raising their curious learners. Britannica for Parents provides safe and credible resources to empower all kids and parents and inspire curiosity for generations to come.

When parents take my parenting workshop, one of the most popular exercises when parents create their family’s coat-of-arms. They are asked to think of values that they want to impart to their children to put on an imaginary shield, just as families in the past did for their kin. My family likes to tease me about the aphorisms I am famous for spouting or would display as our family heraldry if I could. Here are some of my favorites:

Find work you love.

Your failures sometimes teach more than your successes.

Be kind to all people.

It isn’t what happens; it’s what happens next.

It isn’t every day that I get to see these values play out in real life. But, that is exactly what happened last week as I tuned into a panel discussion that my daughter, Cinematographer, Mia Cioffi Henry, participated in. The panel, “Through Her Lens: Creating a Truly Inclusive Film Industry,” was sponsored by Panavision and award-winning non-profit, Made In Her Image. It featured a round table discussion about the inequities in the film and television business, through the lens of six women of color, who are behind the camera.

Listening to my daughter’s contributions to the discussion filled me with a myriad of emotions. First and foremost was an appreciation for her passion for her work. Indeed, she has found work that she loves! She is both a natural storyteller and a visual artist, so being a cinematographer plays to her strengths. But just as importantly, she is a teacher and a collaborator, also essential attributes when it comes to filmmaking, which is the ultimate collaboration.

When she answered a question about the obstacles she has faced as a black woman in the industry, she was brutally frank about the challenges. She spoke honestly and bravely about the injustices present for women and people of color, from only being considered for projects about black folks, to being mistaken for the talent or a food service worker upon her arrival on set.

Yet, despite these experiences, she has persevered and thrived. When asked by an audience member about fear of failure, her encouraging advice: to be courageous, do your homework, and don’t give in to your fears…mentioning how much one has to learn from their mistakes, made me proud!

She emphasized an openness to others and a commitment to make the most from every opportunity. Citing the recent cancellation of the SXSW Film Festival, where she was to have her first feature film “The Surrogate” premiere, she explained the importance of “what happens next.” The disappointment and frustration she felt were strong emotions to get through, but a quick pivot by the Director, Jeremy Hersh, and the entire filmmaking team allowed the film to be successfully reborn on Vimeo and other streaming sites.

When your children are young, it is hard to imagine their future journeys—which will be theirs alone to take—but communicating to them what’s important to you, will go a long way in helping them to create their own mottos and mantras.

While I may have witnessed the embodiment of values that I believe in, my daughter gets all the credit for working hard and going out into the world with courage, curiosity, and a positive attitude… words she could proudly display on her own coat-of-arms!

I am a parent and grandparent with over four decades of experience in early childhood education. I share my passion, wisdom and experience, with parents and the people who care for and about children at Little Folks Big Questions, where we're out to answer the questions parents face in today's world.

It’s been a few weeks now and it’s possible that your time in quarantine is wearing on you. The days seem to blur into one another and it can feel like you’re living the same day over and over again. As a friend said to me, the weekends aren’t feeling like weekends anymore. And to add to it, you’re in tight quarters with partners, family, kids, maybe your in-laws and you know that the only way through this time is to keep these relationships fun, easy, and tension-free. And while you know this, you’re probably wondering how to accomplish it, because every day is bringing new challenges and battles. To make your time with those you’re sequestered with easier, try adding the following practices to your day.  

1. Ask for what you need. If there was ever a time to start asking for what you need it’s now. And to ask for what you need you first have to figure out what it is you do need. Do you need your partner to let you know when they have work calls, when they’re in the middle of something, when they’ll have time to watch the kids? Do you need your kids to have independent playtime, yoga time so you get some exercise in as well, or have them make their own breakfast and lunch? Do you need time for yourself to go on a walk, sit in silence with a cup of tea? What do you need to make this time in quarantine easier for you? Once you’ve identified it then it’s time to ask for it. Asking for what you need helps your relationships in quarantine because you won’t be bottling up wants that lead to frustration that turns into passive-aggressive behavior or shutting down or lashing out. 

2. Listen to what others need. While it’s important for you to know what you need and ask for it, it’s equally important that you create a safe and open environment for those you’re with to share with you what they need as well. To do this it starts with cultivating non-judgmental attention. To see the person through loving eyes, as someone you care for, want to be supportive of and to help. How can I be helpful to this person is something to ask yourself during an interaction. This question will help you stay present in your conversations. So when you begin to notice you’re judging, thinking you know better, distracted, thinking about what you have to do, what you want to say, what you think the other person is thinking, that’s when you say to yourself, I want to be helpful instead. 

3. Lower expectations of self and others. The pressure we put on ourselves can really impact our relationships in quarantine. Our expectations of this time can cause more fights, meltdowns, and an overall sense of less than or not good enough, which creates more unease in our relationships. When you notice yourself forcing or stressing, see if it’s out of an expectation you have that’s not being met. To release some of your expectations, make a list of yours for yourself, your partner, your children. Then choose two from each list that you can start to pay attention to. When you notice them come up, silently say to yourself, there’s my expectation, I’m going to move it to the side and see if I can allow this moment to be as it is—no forcing or wanting it to be different. 

Trying out the three practices above will give you more of an opportunity to relax with those you’re in quarantine with and make it easier for you to create more fun moments to look back on. 

Cynthia Kane is a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor and the founder of the Kane Intentional Communication Institute. She is the author of How to Communicate Like a BuddhistTalk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, and the upcoming book, How To Meditate Like A Buddhist

It was a clear fall day and time for a nap for my two-year-old. I crossed my fingers for an easy naptime because I had work to finish. Unfortunately, I had no such luck. She whined relentlessly. She came downstairs and I brought her back up—again and again. She was clearly exhausted and needed a nap. I needed this naptime. My temper rose. Upstairs, she started to throw things and open the door.

Finally, I lost it. I went upstairs, shaking with frustration and feeling helpless. I grabbed her arms to put her on the bed—but I was too rough. Her fear was obvious. I felt her little arms beneath my strong hands and I realized, “This is how parents hurt their children. Oh. My. God.” Letting go, I left the room in tears.

As my tears flowed, my critical mind stepped in: “What’s wrong with me? How could I do that? I’m a horrible mother,” and on and on. My thoughts were harsh and bitter; I was saying things to myself that I would never say to another person. Did it help? No. It left me feeling weak, isolated, and incapable. We managed to get through the afternoon and eventually she curled up on the floor for a nap.

Our Inner Voice Matters

How we talk to ourselves after our mistakes can shape whether we shrink or grow from the experience. What we say to ourselves in the privacy of our own thoughts really matters. Why? To borrow a metaphor from best-selling self-help author Wayne Dyer, “If I have an orange, what will come out when I squeeze it? Juice, of course. But what kind of juice will come out? Not pomegranate or kiwi. Orange juice. And like that orange, when we are squeezed, what’s inside is what will come out.”

What comes out of you when you are squeezed? That inner evil stepmother? If your inner voice is harsh and critical, then, unfortunately, that’s what’s likely to come out with your children too.

Negative self-talk and self-shaming don’t make us more effective or more peaceful parents. In fact, it does the reverse. Shame leaves us feeling trapped, powerless and isolated. When we feel like that, we’re not able to bring a kind and compassionate presence to our children.

Shame Doesn’t Help

Researcher Brené Brown has helped us understand the difference between guilt and shame. Shame is a feeling of badness about the self. Guilt is about behavior—a feeling of ‘conscience’ from having done something wrong or against your values. Her research has shown that guilt can be helpful and adaptive, while shame is destructive and doesn’t help us change our behavior.  As she puts it, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” When you feel like a terrible person, it’s almost impossible to empower yourself to make a change.

Furthermore, if we want our children to have self­-compassion, we must model it. For example, if I have the habit of self-shaming, they will pick that up. Our kids may not be so great at doing what we say, but they are great at doing what we do. This is how harmful generational patterns are passed down.

The good news is that this harmful way of responding to ourselves is optional. We have a choice. We can choose to bring kindness and self-compassion to our suffering instead.

The Self-Compassion Cure

Imagine if, instead of self-shaming, we could offer ourselves the kindness and understanding of a good friend. How might that change things? Research is showing that this approach helps us grow and learn from our own mistakes better than the old paradigm of condemnation. Kristin Neff, researcher, author, and professor at the University of Texas at Austin, has dedicated her life’s work to the study of compassion and self-compassion.

She writes, “These are not just ‘nice’ ideas. There is an ever-increasing body of research that attests to the motivational power of self-compassion. Self-compassionate people set high standards for themselves, but they aren’t as upset when they don’t meet their goals. Instead, research shows that they’re more likely to set new goals for themselves after failure rather than wallowing in feelings of frustration and disappointment. Self-compassionate people are more likely to take responsibility for their past mistakes while acknowledging them with greater emotional equanimity.”

How to Talk to Yourself

Neff breaks self-compassion down into three elements: kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. We can start by practicing self-kindness instead of self-judgment. Instead of being your harshest critic, I want you to practice being your own best friend. In those difficult moments when you’ve not lived up to your standards, practice offering yourself kindness.

The second element of self-compassion is recognizing that we are not the only one who makes mistakes. The truth is that we are all mistake-making humans and imperfect parents. Our imperfections are what make us human. As you know, there are certainly moments when I—a “Mindful Mama Mentor” have made mistakes with my children I regret. It’s time to recognize that none of us is alone in this.

Finally, in order to be compassionate with ourselves, we have to recognize, through mindfulness, that we are suffering. Practice noticing the thoughts that arise and remain objective about them. Once we notice these thoughts, we can choose another way—offering ourselves compassion and kindness when we don’t meet our standards. Mindfulness helps us not get caught up in and swept away by our negative reactions.

Cultivating awareness of your inner voice and practicing self-kindness (dare I say love?) can have a deep and lasting impact on your relationship with your child. We are half of the parent-child relationship. It’s time to take responsibility for what we are bringing to the table. Who you are as a person inside counts quite a lot in terms of who you want your children to be.

Hunter Clarke-Fields
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Hunter Clarke-Fields is a mindfulness mentor, host of the Mindful Mama podcast, creator of the Mindful Parenting membership, and author of Raising Good Humans. She helps parents create more calm and cooperation in their families. Hunter has over twenty years of experience in meditation and has taught mindfulness to thousands worldwide. 

Autonomy is one of the great motivators of human behavior. In Daniel Pink’s bestselling book Drive he elaborates on the research that mastery, autonomy, and purpose are keys to motivating people at work, school and in life. When it comes to children, it is often faster and simpler to tell kids what to do directly or to do it ourselves. Over time, however, this can lead to kids who feel less in control, which can result in frustration, helplessness or even depression. 

The inverse is also true: the more we trust our children to direct their own lives, the more satisfied and capable they become. Stanford professor emeritus Albert Bandura identified four factors that influence our belief in our ability to succeed: 1) past instances of success 2) knowledge of people like us succeeding 3) being told we are capable 4) being in the right physical and emotional state. Try some of these strategies out with your own child in 2020 to improve your relationship and build lasting skills!

1. Ask not what you can do for your child, but what your child can do for you. For example, many four-year-olds can match socks to help with the laundry. Many five-year-olds can water plants or dust around the house. Many six-year-olds can set or clear the table or select a dessert for their lunch.

2. When in doubt, plan it out. A great way for students to take ownership of a task or routine is to have them create the plan. If you want your child to get out the door by a certain time, ask them what the steps are and have them write or draw out a plan from waking up to leaving the house. Let them call the shots, but provide adult reality checks as needed.

3. Examples in film and literature. Pippi Longstocking is one of the most independent young characters in literature—running a house by herself. She advocates for herself in a strong, non-violent way, and she takes care of many of her own needs. Kids can learn a lot from fictional role models, especially if they find a dimension they can relate on.

4. Let them be their own advocate. Build your child’s voice by supporting interactions across age groups and authority levels. You can help your child practice asking questions of adults by rehearsing together and then trying it out in restaurants, doctor’s offices, public transit or even calling into a radio show.

This post originally appeared on Red Bridge Resources.

Nikita is a passionate elementary school educator. Currently, she's on the founding team at Red Bridge, a new school in San Francisco. You'll catch her in her free time rereading the Harry Potter series for the millionth time or trying to recreate her mom's delicious Indian food recipes.

You already know the way a serious case of the tireds or total frustration can affect your tot, but now recent research from Northwestern University may have found another reason behind toddler temper tantrums.

According to the study published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, expressive language (the words your child says) may have an impact, too.

photo: Ryan Franco via Unsplash

Researchers surveyed more than 2,000 parents who all had toddlers between 12 and 38 months of age. The parents answered questions about their toddlers’ tantrum behaviors, as well as how many words the children could speak.

So what did the researchers find? The data showed a connection between late talkers (toddlers who had less than 50 words or weren’t stringing words together by two years) and severe tantrums.

Elizabeth Norton, an assistant professor in the department of communication sciences and disorders at Northwestern said, “We totally expect toddlers to have temper tantrums if they’re tired or frustrated, and most parents know a tantrum when they see it.” Norton continued, “But not many parents know that certain kinds of frequent or severe tantrums can indicate risk for later mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression ADHD and behavior problems.”

Before you start to worry about your kiddo’s lag in language, co-principal investigator Lauren Wakschlag, professor and vice chair in the department of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and the DevSci director said of toddler tantrums, language delays and later issues, “All these behaviors must be understood within developmental context.”

Wakschlag continued, “Parents should not overreact just because the child next door has more words or because their child had a day from The Wild Things with many out-of-control tantrums. The key reliable indicators of concern in both these domains is a persistent pattern of problems and/or delays. When these go hand in hand, they exacerbate each other and increase risk, partly because these problems interfere with healthy interactions with those around them.”

—Erica Loop

 

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Every year we all do it. We make outrageous resolutions that we will never be able to fulfill for the next twelve months (Soul Cycle twice a week? Feed our kids 100-percent non-GMO, locally raised organic produce? Make weekends screen-free and have the kids put away all their clothes Marie Kondo st‌yle? Sound familiar?). Well this year, I’m kicking those resolutions in the butt and making some that I know I’ll be able to fully accomplish. And this time next year, I’ll be raising my glass and toasting to my success. Want to join me? Here are my top ten resolutions for the real moms in all of us.

1. I plan to misplace my house keys at least once a week.

2. Same goes for my phone. 

3. I will eat healthy all day. And even though I promised myself, “Just one glass of wine,” after dinner, I will not feel bad when I find the empty bottle the next morning along with an alarming amount of Hershey Kiss wrappers beside it on the counter.

4. I will white-knuckle the steering wheel in frustration when my kid tells me they forgot their lunch at home…just when we reach the outside of school.

5. I resolve to sniff the milk before serving it to my kids and I promise not to try and pass off the questionably expired stuff.

6. I promise to not make promises about leaving in five minutes. In fact, I promise to never make promises about time ever again.

7. I’m going to stop suggesting mind-numbing, boring games to do with my kids that make me feel better about pulling them off the iPad.

8. Rather than look up their numbers every single time, I plan to put our favorite local pizza and Chinese delivery restaurants on my favorites list in my phone for easy access.

9.  I resolve to buy myself Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday, Labor Day (why isn’t this one bigger for Moms?), and Christmas presents and address the gifts to “The Mom Who Works Hard and Deserves a Little Something” so that everyone in my family sees that someone appreciates all that I do.

10. And lastly, but surely, 100-percent accomplishable—I plan to run at least ten minutes late to everything and blame it on the kid who can’t talk yet. 

 

 

 

A lifest‌yle writer whose work can be seen in Red Tricycle, Money.com, Livestrong.com and Redbook. When she’s not checking out new events, museums, and restaurants to keep her and her kids entertained, she can be found wandering around flea markets and thrift stores looking for cool vintage finds.

Building a gingerbread house is not a task suited for the fainthearted. If you make the dough from scratch, it will need to be refrigerated for hours before you can manage it. Even if you decide to pick up a store-bought kit, you still need to build the structure. By the time you get the walls to stand up on their own, there is royal icing everywhere. Even then, there’s no guarantee the house won’t collapse on itself. You may even be tempted to grab your glue gun to get the job done. 

Don’t fret! Costco has just released pre-built gingerbread houses as the answer to our holiday cookie woes.

These pre-built gingerbread house kits were spotted on Instagram by Costco Hidden Gems, and it seems that this is not the first time Costco had these stocked during the holiday season. They wrote, “The pre-built gingerbread houses are back at Costco! We love these and not having to deal with trying to sloppily build a stable structure!”

The kit includes a pre-made gingerbread house, assorted colorful candies, and a pre-made icing bag with a tip. All you need to do is pull the house out of the box and decorate. It’s that simple! 

Costco does not have further information about the kit available on it’s website, but Costco Hidden Gems states that it costs $9.99. That’s cheaper than buying all the ingredients and doing it yourself, plus you are saving yourself tons of time and frustration. 

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured Image: Snapwire via Pexels

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The refugee crisis in Syria is getting some much needed educational aid from the place that welcomes all children, Sesame Street.

“Less than two percent of all humanitarian aid funding goes on education, even though half of the world’s refugees are kids,” David Miliband, head of the International Rescue Committee (IRC) told CBS News. Sesame Workshop, the company behind one of the longest-running educational series for kids, has partnered with the IRC to help.

Thanks to a $100 million dollar grant from the MacArthur Foundation Sesame Workshop is producing a new Sesame Street series in Arabic made just for children in refugee camps. The show will revolve around a muppet named Basma, who befriends Jad, a muppet who has just moved into her neighborhood. While Jad is never labeled as a refugee explicitly, there are hints like the fact that he has left behind all of his belongings.

Besides the traditional preschool curriculum that Sesame Street is built on, the series, which is titled Ahlan Simsim, meaning Welcome Sesame, will also focus on teaching kids how to deal with difficult feelings, like anger and frustration, that arise out of their situation. “We want every episode to identify an emotion, but then give really concrete actions so that children can learn what to do,” explained Scott Cameron, a veteran Sesame Street producer who is running this new show.

The series will air in 20 countries in the Middle East, North Africa and the Gulf starting in February.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured photo: 60 Minutes via YouTube

 

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