Is dishwashing the most hated chore? A new survey shows that Americans are willing to make big sacrifices to never do them again and that dish drudgery is a source of constant arguments at home.
As it turns out, one in five adults would give up sex for an entire year in exchange for a lifetime free of doing dishes. At least, that’s what the survey commissioned by frozen vegetable brand Birds Eye suggests. That’s quite the tradeoff, but when data says that Americans spend an average of six days a year washing dishes, it might be worth it?
Even with dishwashers to automate some of the process, 43 percent of survey respondents said that they argue with their family over who will do the chore. And if they’re arguing, it’s a pretty common occurrence—two out of three said it happens every week! Part of that has to do with the number of dishes, pots and pans that require washing, since 41 percent said they use six or more tools for every meal.
The study surveyed more than 1,000 Americans over 18 and it was conducted by Kelton Global. Birds Eye wants to give you a break from the dreaded dish duty with the launch of new sheet pan frozen meals. The one-pan meals feature a protein with veggies and unique seasonings for a quick and simple dinner. No battles necessary!
––Sarah Shebek
Featured image courtesy of Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash
When children are diagnosed with cancer, their childhoods are put on hold. Navigating countless procedures, enduring lengthy treatments and meeting emotional needs takes incredible strength and resilience. To bring much-needed joy and smiles to families on this unfathomable journey, Northwestern Mutual, through its Foundation, recently connected children and families affected by childhood cancer for a one-of-a-kind virtual “camp” experience: the Ultimate Mini-Camp.
In recognition of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, the Ultimate Mini-Camp united families nationwide affected by childhood cancer who often lack crucial support networks that truly understand this battle. Hosted by Super Bowl champion and former NFL player Donald Driver, participants got to listen to stories, ask NFL pros questions and show off their favorite accessories—casting their worries aside as they enjoyed an afternoon of pure fun.
Aaron Jones, NFL Running Back for the Green Bay Packers, acted as the “director of activities,” talking to kids about everything from his ranking in Madden NFL to why he wears a sombrero on game day, and taking participants behind the scenes for an exclusive tour of Lambeau Field. The children were also encouraged to submit a customized design for a chance to be featured on Aaron’s cleats for this season’s “My Cause, My Cleats” game in December. “I look forward to wearing one of you guys’ cleats this upcoming December…having a special game in them and seeing what you come up with,” said Jones.
Kids and parents were able to ask Jones and Driver questions, which ranged from their other favorite sports to what advice they’d give to children battling cancer. Driver, who has experienced multiple friends and family members fight cancer, shared an emotional response. “You’re the most special person in the world,” said Driver. “Never give up, keep fighting. Believe that anything is possible.”
The Northwestern Mutual Foundation launched its Childhood Cancer Program in 2012 to accelerate the search for better treatments and cures, provide necessary family and patient support, and aid those who continue to struggle with the long-term effects of treatment. The program has contributed more than $35 million to the cause, funding more than 455,000 hours of life-saving research. It also provides two scholarships—one to childhood cancer survivors and another for siblings of those affected by childhood cancer—so they can pursue dreams of higher education and inspiring careers.
Since 2018, Northwestern Mutual has been hosting special camp events virtually and at renowned venues – Rose Bowl Stadium in 2018, Lambeau Field in Titletown in 2019, and virtually in 2020 and 2021. This year’s Ultimate Mini-Camp served as an uplifting (virtual) destination to help families rediscover hope, create unforgettable memories, and build meaningful connections among a loving community.
My 6-year-old was excited to make a star out of sticks and string, but as the materials tangled, his frustration spiked. So we took a break and went on a walk together.
“Do you remember when you were learning how to ride a bike?” I said. “You fell down a lot at first, and you got really frustrated sometimes, but you didn’t give up. Now you ride around like a pro. Everything new takes practice, but you always figure it out.”
Childhood is all about growing, on the outside and inside. Tasks adults take for granted—like buttoning a jacket—require practice to master. Every time our kids work through these big and small challenges, they are building their skills for resilience and perseverance. These aren’t fixed traits that kids are born with. Rather, they develop slowly through life experience, practice, and with the support of caring adults.
“Donkey Hodie,” a new puppet series from PBS KIDS, draws its inspiration from Fred Rogers and his mission to help young viewers navigate the challenges of childhood. In each episode, characters set goals, encounter obstacles, explore and test solutions, experience failure, and persist toward their goal, asking for help as needed. While the show is set in the whimsical land of Someplace Else, it models a problem-solving process that kids and parents will readily recognize.
Here are 4 ways parents and caregivers can support this vital effort to help kids build perseverance and resilience.
1. Help Children Name Their Goals
Goals are powerful, even for kids. They want to learn how to tie their shoes, shoot a basket, buckle their seatbelt, write their name, cut with scissors, walk the dog, learn a new game, make a new friend, name all the dinosaurs, build a tower, and find ways to be helpful, and become contributing members of their families and classrooms.
When children can name a small goal they want to accomplish, it can help them focus their attention, explore strategies, and persist when things go wrong. And it helps us, as caregivers, celebrate their successes. “You did it! You learned how to zip up your coat all by yourself!”
2. Help Children Work through Tough Emotions
Sometimes, learning and growing can be really frustrating. A little empathy can go a long way in helping kids find the strength to try, try again. Try a simple phrase like this: “You spent a long time building that tower and then it fell. That’s super frustrating!”
Calming big emotions is a vital step that comes before problem-solving. In the story “Royal Sandcastle Builders,” Donkey, King Friday, and Purple Panda sing about the different ways they practiced calming down after getting frustrated at trying to build a sandcastle. And then they are able to try again! When kids are in the middle of an emotional storm, it’s unrealistic to expect them to brainstorm solutions! But when the storm passes, we can be there to help them think about what to do next.
3. Praise Children’s Efforts & Be Specific
Generic praise—such as “Wow!” or “Good work!” or “Nice!”—is warm and supportive. But descriptive praise is even more powerful because it’s specific and helps kids make the connection between what they are doing and what they are learning.
This language shift can be pretty simple. Just describe what you notice. “Good work” can become “Good work figuring out how to share with your sister.” “Nice!” can become “Nice! I like all the different colors you used in this picture.”
When we offer specific observations, we show our kids that we are paying attention to them. We see their effort. And when it comes to building perseverance and resilience, effort matters more than the outcome.
4. Use Stories to Teach Them about “Yet.”
There’s a big difference, emotionally, between the phrase, “I can’t do it!” and “I can’t do it, yet.” The word “yet” is a bridge between present frustration and future possibility. Stories are a great tool for inspiring kids to persevere, especially when they hear and watch stories about characters who work through challenges. We can also tell children stories about themselves! My kids love hearing stories about how they turned a struggle into an achievement. It helps them feel proud and reminds them that they can do hard things.
Growing up is hard, amazing work. Kids deserve supportive adults by their side, offering encouragement and celebrating all the ways they are growing.
—By Deborah Farmer Kris
Deborah Farmer Kris is a writer, teacher, parent educator, and school administrator. She works on parenting projects for PBS KIDS for Parents and writes about education for MindShift, an NPR learning blog. Deborah has two kids who love to test every theory she’s ever had about child development! Mostly, she loves finding and sharing nuggets of practical wisdom that can help kids and families thrive — including her own. You can follow her on Twitter @dfkris.
PBS KIDS believes the world is full of possibilities, and so is every child. As the number one educational media brand for kids, PBS KIDS helps children learn life lessons, explore their feelings and discover new adventures, while seeing themselves uniquely reflected and celebrated in lovable, diverse characters through television, digital media, and community-based programs.
My firstborn just turned 14. A full-fledged teenager that now towers over me. Kids birthdays definitely make you nostalgic and think of their birth day. Especially the one that made you a mama! So I thought about how I had so many doubts and fears of being a new mom. Even as a pediatrician, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing! But I managed, just like every other new mom does, and figured it out. And with every new age, there’s a new stage to master. A new nap schedule, feeding schedule, a new skill they just acquired, and as they get older learning to navigate life without you.
There is no secret sauce to parenting, there is not a magic ingredient. There is notjust one thing that we need to do. If there were, it would be a heck of a lot easier. As babies we need to attend to their every need, they are fully dependent on us and it’s mostly about survival mode. But as they get older we need to teach good habits, safety, routines, healthy choices, and discipline. Then you hope as they become more independent they have learned the lessons you’ve taught (like washing hands!!!) and do the right thing when you’re not there. At each stage of their lives, they need something different from us. They could need more one day and not at all the next. But something always remains consistent, they need us.
As my kids have gotten older, I’ve really struggled with raising independent adults vs being there for them and helping them (helicopter parent much?) It’s definitely a fine balance. On one hand, there’s so much more we know that we can just do for them and it would make our lives easier. On the other hand, if they don’t learn adulting skills then will they be living with us forever? I definitely struggle between the two. In some ways, I feel like doing things for them is showing them love and if I don’t do those things I’m being mean (mom guilt alert!)…BUT…not really. We know that kids need to do things on their own, gain independence, and feel confident! That’s huge! But is there such a thing as too independent?
When COVID started, I decided to give up working outside the home. I really felt it was important to be home with my kids and I was so fortunate to be able to do that. And truly the kids did need me. In the beginning, I felt like it was one issue after another and I just needed to be there. Could they have figured it out without me…possibly…probably… but it was great for them to know that I was just there. I’m not telling you that you should quit your job and be home 24/7. That’s not financially feasible and frankly, that may not be the best option for everyone regardless of your financial outlook. You may absolutely love what you do and you are a better person for doing it! But it’s not about physically always being there, it’s just about being available. There are certainly days that I wish I were more present even though I’m physically there. It’s about making quality dates with your kids to be together, not quantity. It’s about following the rhythm of your kid’s schedules and being there for a carpool chat, late-night chat, or a special outing. There are so many skills we need to have as parents, but I really think one of the most important is just being there. Yes, we need to listen but they don’t always talk. Sometimes what’s not said is just as important as what is said.
Our kids need their independence, no doubt. But as they get older we need to be available as consultants. Only sharing our opinions when asked. And maybe guiding them when we know the path taken is not where they want to go. It’s a fine balance, a delicate dance, and definitely not easy to master. Ultimately, I want my kids to turn into adults I want to hang out with. That’s the parenting advice I consistently keep in the back of my head!
I'm a mom to 2 busy kids and a pediatrician. My blog is about all things mom, doctor and how the two come together. My goal is to help you find your voice while I find mine and help you become your best version while I become mine!
If you see me out in public you might think I’m the mom who has it all together, or the mom that’s a hot mess. There is no in-between.
Outing’s with my son look like watching two people play on a teeter-totter. Sometimes we’re high, other times were low.
My son Kanen will be 3 next month. He loves scripting scenes from Toy Story and lining up his favorite Disney cars. He also has severe autism.
Kanen has always been difficult to please since he was a baby. I always say he’s a “my way or the highway” kinda kid. His determination and perseverance are inspiring. But it also can be very exhausting at times.
Lately going out with him in the community is becoming more difficult. And it’s to no one’s fault. But mainly I think I’m surrounded by a community whose lives are rarely touched by autism.
If you don’t know it, live it, or have been exposed to it, meltdowns or sensory overloads might look like an epic tantrum to some people.
And if we’re being honest, I would’ve thought the same before I had my son. I would’ve been the mom that gazed or starred. I would’ve been the mom that quietly whispered to her partner “I would never let our children act like that.” I would’ve been the mom who did not understand autism.
So I don’t blame them when they do.
But for a while, the stares, and whispers really got to me. A lot of the time, they still do. They sting.
You see the thing about autism there is no one look fits all. It’s a neurological disorder. On the outside, my son looks like a charming little man, but on the inside, he struggles to function with the real world.
In a flash, autism will come storming through like an angry bull running the streets of Spain. There is no stopping it.
Right now Kanen looks like a bratty toddler during outbursts. And well me? I’m just “too patient of a mom” which is what I’ve been told many times before. I always laugh a little whenever I hear that.
I’m a mom who has to wear sneakers over booties, and lightweight clothing over fun accessories because I am constantly chasing him around. I’m a mom who has to give up her Louis Vuitton diaper bag for a crossbody bag because having little to nothing on me is crucial at the moment I need to carry him like a sack of potatoes. I’m a mom who’s learning to say no to outings that might require too many transitions for my son, even if that means missing out on family events.
I am a special needs mom.
If you see me out in public don’t think I’m the mom who has it all together, or the mom that’s a hot mess. I’m simply the mom doing her best.
Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.
My son Kanen is almost 3 years old, and from the first time I ever put a TV show on for him, well, he insisted it had to be a Disney movie. For the better part of the early years, I just thought he had remarkable taste for things. And I was delighted I wasn’t like the other mom’s suffering as they listened to Baby Shark and Cocomelon all day long.
It wasn’t until about six months after his second birthday that I understood why he was so particular about what he preferred to watch. Autism. See when you have a child on the Autism Spectrum, who is also non-verbal, the early years are quieter than what I figure they might be for others. And If I’m being honest, I’m not usually the type of mom who plops down with my child during screen time. I use that as the time to clean my house, wash dishes, do laundry. You know mom things.
But one lazy morning I decided to watch the Good Dinosaur with Kanen for the first time. It took me a few minutes into the movie to realize the dinosaur talked, but the young boy never did. By this time I was captivated. It hit home. And these are the 3 things a Disney movie of a non-verbal child and a talking dinosaur taught me.
1. “Love Needs No Words.”
This is a quote I’ve heard very often throughout this journey. It’s true, love doesn’t. My child could speak every word in the dictionary, or none at all and I will always love him for exactly who he is. Now I know what you might be thinking…Of course, I will! But will others? The answer is yes. I can’t tell you when or where, unfortunately, I don’t have a crystal ball for that. But I’ve heard stories from the moms in this journey that talk about their amazing non-verbal children making friends. So I believe it’s going to happen one day for my child and yours too. Communication goes far beyond verbal words. Friendships do too.
2. Look Out for Those Different Than You.
Even in the land before time, a young dinosaur like Arlo knew to look out for another that was unlike him. Another who had no words. Another who had no way of defending or protecting himself. Arlo had found a sense of pride to keep him safe because he knew he could communicate with others around him the way his friend couldn’t. A dinosaur showed me not everyone in life is living in a “doggy-dog-dog” world. Thank you.
3. Never Give Up.
Cliche huh? No, but really….Never give up. Even when life gets tough. I watched for nearly two hours a dinosaur never give up on his life or his non-verbal friend’s life. I’ve only seen that type of perseverance in my son and those like him. I hope one day they find a friend like Arlo. Maybe this was only a fictional Disney Pixar movie. Maybe Kanen has just taught me to look at life through a new lens. Regardless. I’m thankful for both.
Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.
Before my daughter was born, my husband and I wrote her a song called “Wise Teacher.” We knew she would teach us a lot by coming into our lives. It’s hard to remember her wisdom sometimes when she is picking her nose and handing it to me or when she is throwing an epic tantrum because I ran out of bananas and offered an apple instead.
But, there is no doubt that becoming the mother to this little being has totally transformed me. Here are some of the unexpected things I learned from her.
1. I have to prioritize caring for myself in order to care for her.
This girl is a high energy, high maintenance little force of nature. As sweet as she can be, caring for her every day gets exhausting. If I don’t deeply care for my physical, mental and emotional parts, I will burn out. I have to meditate. I have to get in nature. I have to journal and go to therapy. I have to eat well. I have to prioritize sleep. I have to take baths, feel my feelings and get out to have some fun on my own.
I have to do all that and more in order to be well-resourced and rested enough to be the best mom possible for her.
2. Meltdowns are not just for toddlers.
Even with all my self-care routines, sometimes it just gets to be too much for me. Running a business and raising a child is an epic juggling challenge. Sometimes I drop a ball or two and that can lead to an emotional meltdown for me. But, just like with toddlers, it’s not actually a big deal.
My emotional tantrums are a natural part of life, a release valve when the pressure gets too high. And, just like I love her through her big emotions, I too am lovable and worthy of support in my meltdowns. They don’t mean I am bad, wrong or crazy. They are a show of my vulnerable humanness and it’s ok.
3. It’s okay to need people.
Obviously my tiny daughter needs us. We dress her, feed her, comfort her, play with her, make sure she doesn’t die, etc. And obviously I needed my parents that much too. But somewhere along the way I decided it wasn’t ok or a good idea to need people. I tried to be so independent, to not care if I didn’t have someone there for me, to not rely on anyone.
Eventually that all backfired and I realized I am actually stronger with the support and connection of others. But, that realization is still landing fully in my body and life. Seeing my daughter receive our care and love and experiencing her needing us so fully helps me deeply remember and accept that I need people to help and care for me, too. And that’s okay. It’s actually great and really natural.
4. When I follow my passions, everyone wins.
When I first started this motherhood thing, I felt like I had to give up things I really loved doing and creating in order to be a good mom. But what I learned from raising my daughter, is that when I leave her in the care of someone else so I can do something I love, like write or give a healing session or create music, it is great for all.
My daughter gets a chance to be loved by and bond with another family or community member, the caregiver gets blessed with a really fun and nurturing time with my awesome kid and I get filled up inside with the glow of creative vitality that only comes from pursing my true passions and doing my creative work in the world.
Then, my relationship with my husband is better because my vitality is flowing, my daughter benefits because I am able to be more present and attentive to her when I am done and I get the absolute joy of feeling like I really can have it all without guilt, which also benefits my health and stress levels.
5. Running around naked is the best feeling ever.
Ok, bare with me on this one. Before or after bath time, if we let her, my daughter will streak up and down the halls of our house naked, laughing and shrieking with joy. She absolutely, unabashedly loves it. Yes, I like being naked too, but where I’m going with this is more metaphorical.
By baring my soul, by sharing my raw truth, by being nakedly vulnerable with my emotions and insides, life becomes a lot more thrilling and fun. Being transparent and authentic is the best feeling ever. Instead of hiding parts of myself or pretending to be something I’m not, I’ve gotten incredibly honest in my motherhood journey. I tell the truth, I share the hard parts and the real details of my journey. I let it all hang out.
And, just like my little naked daughter, people love me even more for it. I inspire others to get more naked in their truth and life is way more interesting, connective and fulfilling.
So, those are a few of the unexpected things I’ve learned from raising my daughter. I know this girl and this journey of motherhood will continue to teach and inspire me in ways I don’t even know yet. She’s only a toddler, after all.
We have a lot of growing and learning to do together in this life. But, through all the ages and stages, I commit to learning from her as much or more than I teach, to stay humble as a student of life and to receive all the wisdom I can from my little wise teacher.
Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.
To the mom going through a diagnosis during a global pandemic, I know right now your world feels like you’re walking a new planet. It feels scary, isolating, and so lonely.
It feels like you’re drowning in the depths of the biggest oceans, gasping for air each time you come up to the surface, only to be pulled right back down by its powerful current. Screaming for help each time you reach to the surface, only to see there is no life raft in sight. There is no help coming, there is no one to rescue you. The extensive waitlists, the endless amount of phone calls with no responses for weeks on end, and don’t get me started with the amount of hours on Zoom.
I promise you are not alone. You see, my son Kanen is almost 3 years old. He has the biggest brown eyes that light up like the Aurora Borealis anytime a truck, plane, or bus passes by. He has a smile that shines as bright as a full moon on a dark and cold winter night. He also was diagnosed with severe, non-verbal autism in September of 2020. Going through the diagnosis process at any point in life is not for the weak hearted, but especially not during a global pandemic. While others are fighting for toilet paper off the shelves, and others are angry that their travel plans have come to halt, our worries become much bigger, and yet feel so little to the rest of the world. One day, we went from mom’s chasing our children on the playground, to the next day becoming camerawoman for what feels like a reality TV show. But instead shooting MTV’s next biggest show of rowdy 20 year olds living in one house, we’re chasing children around our homes using our computers and phones, praying that the person on the other side can get an appropriate evaluation. Hoping that they’ll catch a glimpse of all the hard we witness everyday. The hard that lead us to this point in our life, seeking a diagnosis.
One might assume after a diagnosis that your days of being camerawomen would be over, but in all honesty they might have just began. Thearpy that was once in person is now all via Zoom. For most of us, we don’t have the option of in person or Telehealth. We are given what we are given, and are expected to not throw a fit. At first you are going to ask yourself more than you want to admit if you’re capable of this. If you are capable of not only being your child’s mother, but their teacher, their therapist, their advocate, and most importantly their camerawoman.
I want to let you know you are capable, you are the only one who is. You will learn through this journey that you are your child’s person, you are their safe space. When their world feels too overwhelming and chaotic, only you mama will know how to center them. And you might learn along the way they are all that for you to, and even more. You will become a jack of all trades, master of none, but better than one.
I never imagined a time in my life where I would be seeking a diagnosis for my only son during a pandemic, but I’m thankful I did. I’m thankful I didn’t give up when I felt like the rest of the world was. When the rest of the world was giving up on the services he most needed, I didn’t. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but now a year into this, I promise it does get better because you mama will become stronger through the process. You will find a strength in you no others before or after us will ever experience, because we have faced a global pandemic while fighting for a diagnosis for our child and all the services they need after. Wear that badge of honor with pride! I want to remind you that you are never alone I see you, I hear you, and I’ll always be here to throw a life raft whenever you need it.
Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.
When I was in my late 20s, the first batch of my friends started to have kids. I visited one of my college friends to meet their new baby—we chatted about our good ‘ole days, gave each other some status updates, and I just giddily flitted over baby even though I was scared to hold him. During this hangout, my friend said something that really stuck with me. While recounting to me the early days with baby and the challenges that ensued in a comical, light-hearted manner, she also mentioned that she and her husband started to fight more and that the baby, “Really took a toll on our marriage.”
I had been with my now-husband for nearly a decade at that point, and like many high school sweethearts, we had had our biggest fights during our hormone-raged youth and had settled into a routine by then. We knew each other well and had learned how to avoid a fight before it even started. So when I heard this from my friend, I remember thinking that it was such a sad thing to say and even vowed (as many dumb childless people do) that I wouldn’t let that happen to MY marriage when I had children.
What I didn’t realize then is that I would owe my friend an apology for having missed the point completely on this statement that is so honest and vulnerable and 1000% true. So if you’re reading this, I am so sorry for not understanding until now how freaking amazing you were to have shared this with me, and I want you to know that having heard this probably saved my marriage.
To the naive and idiotic mind of a know-it-all childless dump, the admission of their marital hardship sounded like a sad, deflated white flag to say that the relationship could not overcome this new chapter in their life. But the truth is, if you have children and it *doesn’t* take a toll on your marriage, you might be doing it wrong. Of course, there are those shiny rainbow couples who take every new stage with stride, love, patience, and sweet cuddles…and those guys can just leave this conversation. My husband and I, despite having been together for such a long time, were not and never will be that couple—and I imagine most of us fall out of that unicorn camp.
Having children changes you. Remember before we had kids and someone asked us if we wanted one, we would say something along the line of “Yeah one day, but for now, I enjoy ‘X’ too much,” filled in with things that we knew from all the clichés that babies take away: going out, spending an obscene amount of money on frivolous things, etc., things we felt we weren’t ready to give up. I always thought that I had to be ready to give these things up voluntarily to be “qualified” to have kids.
But that wasn’t it at all. When baby came I didn’t *want* to go out, sleep in, spend money, or eat fast food the way I used to, because the moment that the nurse plopped that cottage-cheese-covered red monkey of a baby on my chest was…to say it conservatively, a transformation. The person I used to be, the things I used to enjoy, even the things that I thought were hills I’d die on, all became insignificant and dull compared to this person I just made and have been endowed with. Call it hormones, even call it brainwashing. Whatever it was, it completely and permanently altered my very being. Sound frightening? It really really was.
So imagine, while this is happening to me as I pushed out a human that I baked from scratch—the same thing is happening to my husband, who I’ve known since I was 17. And I see him crying and laughing as this baby is peeing on him. And if you know my husband, you will say “He CRIED?” because it’s that surprising. And I didn’t know it then, but it was also a sign that some stuff was about to go down.
We fought so much those early days. My husband was lucky enough to have gotten a 6-week paternity leave, which was amazing because he got to bond with our son, but it probably also contributed to a lot of the fights because he was in the trenches with me. He knew about the bad latch, the sleeping and feeding schedules…and for the first time in our relationship, we both had something that we equally cared so deeply about that we were willing to put anything on the line for it—even our relationship. Up until that point, we were each other’s top priority. That shift was wild. And don’t forget, we’re not even the same people anymore, so the strategies and techniques that we had previously learned meant nothing. The baby was a wrecking ball, naked Miley Cyrus and all, who came in and totally demolished everything that we’ve built up as a couple. Now we had to try to rebuild it, while keeping a baby alive, which meant we had to do it with zero time and zero sleep. I wonder why we had so many problems? (ha!)
So yes, our kid took a toll on our marriage. But because of that, it forced us to build something in the aftermath that’s more resilient and deeply rooted in our being. We had to, or else we wouldn’t have survived. I now understand that having a kid to save a marriage would never work because it’s the absolute opposite—a kid is going to tear you up into shreds so small that you won’t want to pick those pieces back up to put it back together unless your marriage is worth saving. And you know what, I think that’s totally okay. The truth is, anything worth fighting for, there will be fighting for it. And I think we can all agree that our kids are worth the fight.
Lisa Aihara is a writer and artist based in Los Angeles. When she's not busy keeping her toddler alive, she's growing another human and has no time for any BS. For an honest, practical take on motherhood, relationships, and just life's struggles through comics and stories, follow her on Instagram and her Blog.
This year has been unprecedented. And we can all agree that we are living in historic times. From global pandemics to social justice reform, to mental health awareness, to technological innovations, our society is shifting in fundamental ways. Many of us are spending more time at home and enjoying more interaction with our children. What better time to engage with them on topics that will certainly remain issues as they mature into adults?
I am no political expert, nor fluent in public policy. However, I vote, knowing that my vote will count for much in the upcoming election. I am a mother, I am involved in my community, and I am a citizen of the United States. For these reasons, I have begun to think about how to engage with my children (ages 5-12) about the upcoming election in helpful and constructive ways.
1. Sign up to vote and take them along. The reminders to register to vote have been almost as prevalent as the ads reminding us to complete the 2020 Census. And I am delighted that we have received so many reminders about both. Voting is the only means at everyone’s disposal to engage in the process of democracy. The right to vote is a right fought for by millions across the centuries and protected by our Constitution. Tell your kids that you are signing up to vote, show them how the process works, and then take them to the polls on election day. If you are voting by mail-in ballot (which is completely safe) or absentee, show your children the ballot, explain how you are filling it out, and allow them to ask questions. Being required to answer my children’s questions about why I was voting a certain way forced me to really examine my candidate choices.
2. Make sure they meet people who are NOT like them. Much has been already been said about the “echo chamber” effect of social media and in our culture at large. The best way to counter this phenomenon for both you and your children is to cultivate acquaintances who are not like you. Maybe they live in a different part of town? Maybe they go to church, or don’t? Maybe they don’t look like you at all? Not only are you teaching your children that everyone has a unique perspective, but also that we are all citizens of the same country. Our similarities often outweigh our differences.
3. Volunteer. Volunteering on a campaign or at the polls or at a homeless shelter or at a food bank are all ways to get to know people in your community and to be involved in their stories.
4. Read, read, read. Read a real newspaper with your kids, a print version is preferable. Holding physical pages in your hands lends weight to the news and opinions that you read. Read local newspapers to your kids so they begin to understand the issues facing you and them and their neighbors. Often, world issues like peace in the Middle East and global warming seem too difficult to tackle until you realize that change starts small. The car manufacturer in town switching more production to electric vehicles or the local power company’s pledge to put in more solar panels help you and your children realize that choices we make at the local level can have a big collective impact.
5. Watch the debates and discuss. Yes, the first one was about as enjoyable and relaxing as a root canal, but debates (or reading a candidate’s platform on their page) are an excellent way to grasp the positions of each candidate and to see them contrasted with each other. Ask your children questions about what they notice—what do they see? Which candidate is more poised and confident? What positions and policies do they hear? (These may sound like “That guy talks a lot about the police.”) Who is more well-spoken? Then ask them what they think is important? What should our elected officials be doing while in office? You may learn a lot from your kids—I have.
6. Encourage them to run for office one day…maybe by running yourself. A few years ago, one of my friends astounded me by declaring that she ran for an elected position. I had no idea she had done that. She wanted to see certain changes in her neighboring town and decided to do something about it. She did not win, but she has a much deeper understanding of the political process than I do, simply because she took the time to campaign. And she did this while working a full-time job. What’s holding you back? Is a school board position open? What about a city council seat? Even better, start with the PTA at your child’s school. Then when your daughter says she wants to be the first female President, she’ll have an idea of what it takes.
7. Stay positive. It seems impossible to do these days. So many parts of our nation are broken, so many people are hurting. Their pain is real and should not be ignored. But don’t give up, and teach your children to never give up as well. Change takes a long time. You and I may never live to see it; our children may not either. But kindness, compassion, and courage will always win the day.
Scientist by training, lover of books and writing and learning by nature. Wife to a talented husband, mom of three children. Proud to call the Rocket City home (Huntsville, Alabama). Pursuing my love of creative writing by writing about everything from school buses to the latest in pandemic schooling.
