In honor of the big day, children’s hospitals all over the country are holding Valentine Drives where anyone can send a free digital valentine to a patient. Each hospital has its own designs––many of which are designed by patients––and are such an easy way to brighten up a patient’s day!
St. Jude’s Research Hospital
You can do a quick Google search for local hospitals in your area, or you can reference any of these hospitals listed below that are already participating with their own Valentine Drive.
Sending a valentine is easy: you need to use your desktop computer, phone or tablet to access the hospital’s page. Then just fill out the e-card with your info and a sweet message before pressing send. Some hospitals even have pre-written messages if you’re at a loss for words to make the process even more simple.
I share a lot online. I have an active Twitter account and tweet about my day-to-day shenanigans as a mom, wife, and startup CEO. I blogged through my husband’s battle with cancer last year, sharing the raw emotions from his diagnosis all the way through his treatment. But of all the things I’ve shared online, there’s been one thing I haven’t.
Around five weeks after my pregnancy, I was officially diagnosed with severe postpartum depression. I’ve told some people about it before, but I haven’t ever gone into detail about what happened to me. Like many moms, I was ashamed.
Depending on the person, the manifestation of the disease can be different. I never had thoughts of harming my daughter, but I had frequent thoughts of harming myself. I had convinced myself that I was absolutely unfit to be a mother and that the only way to make the situation “right” for my daughter would be if I took my own life so that others who were more fit to raise her would step up. I knew that no one would believe I was unfit to be a mother if I was living, so therefore, I had to be dead. I firmly believed that it was the only way out.
In retrospect, it was the perfect storm of events that led to my depression spiraling out of control. A day after my daughter was sent home with us, we found ourselves back in the NICU because of an episode where she lost consciousness. While she was in the NICU, I also moved back into the hospital so I could be close to her. I stayed in a tiny hospital room where I was on call to breastfeed her. I couldn’t leave to even get food or shower, because as soon as one breastfeeding session finished, I would pump to increase my supply, and then it was time to breastfeed her again.
When we finally took her home, she was healthy, but I was mentally and physically depleted. I was still recovering from giving birth, but I hadn’t really slept, eaten, or given my body any time to heal.
The suicidal thoughts that started forming in the hospital really came to a head once we all got home for good. I remember late one night I was cleaning my breast pump parts and I thought that I should kill myself at that moment because everyone was asleep. But I was too tired. Honestly, the sheer exhaustion was the only thing that saved my life those first few weeks.
For each person, how you get better is different. Serious postpartum depression is almost always best treated with professional help, but sometimes getting the help you need is the hardest and most daunting part.
For me, there were two things that were really vital to my recovery. First, I talked to other parents and heard what I was experiencing was normal. This helped me admit to my doctor that I had a problem and put me on the road to recovery. Second, I forced myself to get out of the house, with and without my daughter. This helped me feel like a human again and just the sheer physical activity of going places with my daughter helped me return to health.
If you would have told me 1.5 years ago that today I’d be happier than I’ve ever been, I wouldn’t have believed you. I want other mothers who are struggling with postpartum depression to know that it does get better. Today I have a healthy, beautiful, happy toddler and I wake up every day thankful that she’s in my life. While I still find parenting challenging at times, I no longer feel that challenge is insurmountable. I also now run my own company, Winnie, with the express goal of making parents’ lives easier. I would have never had the idea for this company had I not become a parent.
I never thought I’d say this, but I love being a mom. Moms, you are not alone. Postpartum depression is a real disease, but the good news is it can be cured. I’m living proof.
Short mom to tall kids. CEO and co-founder of Winnie, a leading marketplace for daycare and preschool helping millions of parents across the United States. Still getting the gist of this whole parenting thing.
Calling all mini builders! LEGO just dropped some big news: it’s bringing over 20 new City-themed sets in 2022!
The expanded collection now includes everything from a police chase at the bank, hospital, rescue helicopter transport and more. Ranging in price from $10-$150, there’s a set for everyone’s budget. Keep scrolling to see our faves, then head to Lego.com in January to snag some new sets.
Boy mom. It’s all I heard during my first, second, and third pregnancies. I never understood it. I don’t know what it is about me that says “boy mom” and honestly, I never really wanted it. I always wanted children. I was just fine to have a boy in the mix but, all I ever wanted, for as long as I can remember, was a little girl.
I think about that saying, “Man plans and God laughs,” a lot when it comes to my small brood of boys. I always planned for a little girl; three boys later and God is still laughing. When my first was born and they announced I had a little boy, I was shocked. I can still see my husband’s mouth bubbling around the letter B. I remember staring at him blankly. A boy? What was I going to do with a boy? I was positive I was having a girl; I would know what to do with a girl; I’d mentally prepared for a girl and now I had to readjust my emotions and expectations.
And Then Baby #2 Was a Boy
My next child came a quick 16 months later. Another healthy, beautiful baby boy; I was thrilled. I was also surprised…and a little disappointed. I’d tempered my expectations the second time around and announced at every opportunity that it was probably another boy, but quietly, I wished and prayed for my girl. God laughed again when baby boy #2 was born. He was absolutely perfect and I comforted myself with the knowledge that we would (more than likely) have a third. That’s when it would happen, I thought. Third time’s a charm; I’ll get my girl then.
And Then Baby #3 Showed Up
Baby #3 came two weeks early. My husband and I were at dinner with some of his work colleagues. I’d been having contractions, sporadic and irregular, nothing to worry about. Braxton Hicks, for sure. We spent a lovely evening with lovely people and I took my sweet time eating everything. Crab salad? Yes, please. The duck confit? Definitely. And I’m pregnant, so can I add mashed potatoes to that order? Is there any more bread? Dessert? I’m glad you asked. That flourless chocolate torte looks delicious.
On the 15-minute ride back to our house, I went from contractions every 25+ minutes to every 5 minutes. My husband was ready to go to the hospital immediately. I made us wait and time the contractions; we got to the hospital at 2 a.m.
Matthew was born around 7:00 that morning. I pushed that baby out and held my breath, waiting for the nurses to tell me it was a girl. I had a name ready. I would see her and hold her and my family would be complete. It was my husband who finally got a glimpse of the goods and told me that I had another son…and I burst into tears. Another boy. A third boy. For one quick, irrational moment, I thought: no, it’s fine, there’s another baby in there and she’ll be out in a minute. Then they laid him on top of me. He immediately curled up, started sucking his fingers, and I fell completely in love. He was perfect, an absolutely beautiful baby boy.
The feelings lingered. The sadness, the disappointment, and the utter bemusement that I was now mother to three boys and zero girls. It never even crossed my mind that, when I had my babies, they’d be boys. Most of the people I know have a mix of boys and girls; why would I be different? And so, I cried and then I cried some more. And then I cried off and on for my entire first week home.
My husband couldn’t understand. Here we were, blessed with three beautiful, healthy children. I had healthy pregnancies. The boys were lively and energetic and happy. Why was I so upset? Why couldn’t I be happy with the family we had?
I am happy with the family we have, I told him. I don’t want to give any of the boys back. I wouldn’t trade any of my boys for a girl. Our boys are beautiful and they are happy and they are loved, but I spent my entire life thinking I would have a daughter and now, that isn’t something that will happen for me. After each baby, I comforted myself with the knowledge that we’d try again. Now, our three children are birthed and here and (I hope) thriving and this dream, this expectation, that I’ve had my whole life is gone. It felt like a death, and I felt like I was mourning a whole life of things I’d never now never get to do. Some of it was superficial: the sweet clothes and precious nursery, ruffled bubbles, and smocked dresses, coats, tights, and bows.
The Hardest Part about Not a Having a Girl
The hardest part was emotional. It was letting go of something I’d wanted as long as I could remember, of something I’d always expected to have in my life. These feelings were heart wrenching and devastating in ways I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t work harder or take a class or save money to earn what I wanted. I was entirely at the mercy of God, fate, biology. “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.” Only I did pitch a fit, in my way. I cried; I mourned; and I put it away because really, what else can you do?
I adore my boys—their sweetness and energy, their big hearts, and hilarious toddler commentary. I look at them and can’t believe they’re mine; my heart simply swells. My wild Washington trio humbles me and challenges me and fills me with joy.
I’m able to get my “girls fix” from nieces and goddaughters and children of friends and family who are generous enough to share their daughters with me. It helps, and those feelings of loss or “less than” have morphed into occasional aches…then one of my boys needs his mommy and the ache subsides.
I'm 38, not single, but I do enjoy long walks on the beach. I'm a mom to 3 little boys, ages 5 and under; married to a wonderful man for almost 6 years. I work at the University of South Carolina (Go Gamecocks!) and live with my family in SC.
Ready to give back? Giving Tuesday is today and plenty of brands are on board to donate to charitable organizations. We’ve rounded up a few to note if you’re looking to support some great causes today!
Citi:Matching donations dollar-for-dollar up to $200,000 for No Kid Hungry. Donate now to have an even greater impact in the fight against childhood hunger.
Cloud Paper:In continued partnership with One Tree Planted, Cloud Paper will be planting one tree for every purchase made on 11/30.
FabKids:Donating 100% of net proceeds from select shoes to Soles4Souls from Nov. 30-Dec. 7.
Keen:Launched KEEN Corps, the world’s largest digital hub for volunteering and community engagement opportunities, powered by Points of Light. Fans can find more than 300,000 unique opportunities with more than 70,000 nonprofit organizations, schools, and other local agencies each year.
KFC: Donating $1 for each KFC Chicken Sandwich sold (including KFC Chicken Sandwich meals) to Blessings in a Backpack to provide weekend meals to children who might otherwise go hungry.
Naked Wines:Naked will donate $10 on all purchases to support a mentorship program focused on advancing the careers of Latino winemakers, – and 100% of profits from selected packs.
STATE Bags: For every product purchased, STATE supports American children and families in need, allocating 5% of its annual revenue to giving efforts around the country including fully-packed bag drop rallies and partnerships like HELP USA for special projects.
Stojo: For every order placed on the site, Stojo will donate a best-selling 12 oz. cup to frontline healthcare organizations, to give thanks and keep them both hydrated and caffeinated (because we could all use a little of that!).
WaterBabies:Partnering with charity: water to raise awareness of the global water crisis and to fund up to 250 water wells in developing countries. With every purchase of a WaterBabies doll, proceeds go towards bringing clean and safe drinking water to families all over the world.
—Sarah Shebek
Featured image courtesy of Karolina Grabowska, Pexels
As a Type 1 Diabetic, my pregnancy was considered high risk. Throughout each trimester, my blood sugars dramatically wavered due to fluctuating hormone levels. Although I had been administering daily insulin shots for the past 13 years, my body’s response to them had become unpredictable.
It’s not uncommon in your first few months of pregnancy to experience frequent low blood sugars. I was instructed to aim for blood sugar levels within a very narrow target range. Given the small margin for error, I constantly found myself afraid to eat because I couldn’t figure out how much insulin to give myself with every meal. Even without eating, my blood sugar would spike or drop depending on my level of physical activity, stress, and hormones.
During a particularly memorable hypoglycemic episode, I asked a clerk to hold my bags and gestured to my belly to indicate I was pregnant and needed to sit down. I was too out of it (and quite frankly, embarrassed) to even explain that I was a Type 1 Diabetic. I sat in between the set of automatic sliding doors on my winter coat and wiped the sweat off my forehead as I shakingly finished a bottle of Coke. Looking back, it was odd that nobody checked to make sure I was ok. But at that moment, I was relieved to be spared the uncomfortable interaction as I eventually made it back onto my feet.
Coping throughout the Pregnancy
As frustrating as the situation seemed, I was fortunate to be benefitting from some recent technological advances that empowered me to optimize my blood sugars. Having a Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) allowed me to track my blood sugar readings on my phone 24/7 in real-time. This constant awareness of my sugars caused as much anxiety as it did assurance. When my glucose levels were outside of my target, my monitor would beep and buzz at all hours of the day and night. Under the direction of the high-risk obstetrics team, I also kept a manual journal of my sugars and insulin dosages which they reviewed weekly. During this time in my life, I checked my sugar level, took insulin, checked my sugar level, repeat.
On top of the bi-weekly clinic check-ins, I had monthly ultrasounds and eventually went in to have non-stress tests (NSTs) twice a week. The non-stress test was the opposite of how it sounds: very stressful. During the tests, a cluster of monitors was placed on my belly to assess the baby’s heart rate and responsiveness. On one of the last NSTs before delivery, the doctor came into the room to unhook me from the monitors. This usually meant the test was over and I could return home…but this time was different. I was instructed to leave the outpatient clinic and head directly to the main hospital.
The baby’s activity level was below normal, so further testing was required. Just before leaving, the doctor informed me there was a chance I’d be admitted for delivery. In a panic, I drove myself to the hospital and found the triage area on the labor and delivery floor. I was met by a team of nurses and doctors who were already briefed on the situation and ready to apply a new set of monitors. Although everyone reassured me that this trip to the hospital was precautionary, I became increasingly concerned as each hour passed by. I nervously took bites out of a protein bar to maintain my sugar levels while frantically texting my husband. Finally, after 3 hours of assessments, the baby’s activity level and heart rate normalized; there was no need for intervention, and I was able to go home.
That following Tuesday, I was back on the Labor and Delivery floor being induced. I was in labor for 3 days and had so many wires, tubes, and devices hanging off me, I felt like a marionette. Although my family wasn’t allowed to come to the hospital due to COVID protocols, I called them with Facetime endlessly over those few days which kept my spirits up. Memorably, one of my video chats with my niece and nephews resulted in me laughing so hard that my water spontaneously broke while we were waiting for the doctor to rupture it manually.
At lucky 11:11 am, my daughter Monroe was placed on my chest. It was all worth it, and it prepared me for the pregnancy of my son, Miles, a short 15 months later.
Having the Tough Conversation
One day, I know I will talk to my children about how they came into this world, and how hard I fought for them to be healthy while inside my womb. From a mom who knows firsthand how challenging it can be to explain Type 1 Diabetes, here are some tips for starting the conversation with your kids or loved ones:
1. Explain diabetes in simple, but uplifting terms. That it’s a manageable condition and those with diabetes can lead long, healthy and happy lives by making good choices.
2. Emphasize that when someone has type 1 diabetes, it’s not their fault and they didn’t cause it in any way. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease that prevents the body from creating insulin. It isn’t caused by poor diet or lack of physical activity.
3. Openly educate and inspire ways to develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise. Make it a fun routine in which the whole family participates. After all, everyone needs to make healthy choices, not just diabetics.
4. Reassure them that finger pricks and injections might seem intimidating, but they come with many benefits and aren’t scary.
5. Instill confidence that the condition isn’t something that needs to be hidden. There is a large community of diabetics along with celebrities and influencers, like Nick Jonas, Robin Arzón, and Jay Cutler, who speak openly about Type 1 Diabetes.
Vanessa Messenger is a mom, a Product Lead at Google, and considering she’s been a Type 1 Diabetic since 2010…she’s also a full-time pancreas! She is the author of the award-winning book, Teddy Talks: A Paws-itive Story About Type 1 Diabetes.
Vanessa Messenger is a mom, a Product Lead at Google, and considering she’s been a Type 1 Diabetic since 2010…she’s also a full-time pancreas! She is the author of the award-winning book, Teddy Talks: A Paws-itive Story About Type 1 Diabetes.
Listen up Blizzard fans: tomorrow you can order your favorite treat and support a good cause! Miracle Treat Day is October 28 and gives back to the Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals.
To participate, head to your local DQ restaurant and order any Blizzard. In return, $1 or more will be donated to benefit local children’s hospitals. It’s a longtime charitable sponsorship through DQ and it’s a simple (and delicious) way to help out kids in need.
Download the DQ App to learn more and get reminders, or get more info online. You’ll learn more about how the money raised supports various hospital initiatives, including the purchase of a multisensory machine, the expansion of a pet therapy program and the installation of a therapy pool. Grab a Pumpkin or Pecan Pie Blizzard for the whole family tomorrow!
Looking to capture baby memories for your family? Try out these creative ways to preserve those special moments
Almost from the minute you learn you’re pregnant, you want to remember every detail. But babies grow quickly, and it can be easy to forget how things used to be. Here are six ways to capture what life with your child is like and preserve those special baby memories.
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Photo Book Creating a photo book ensures you can show your child what life was like when they were a baby, not just tell them! You are probably already taking tons of photos of your little one. Make it a point every year to print out some of those photos in an annual book. Tinybeans makes it easy to print a photo book using the photos you upload on the site. Choose a specific date, such as your child's birthday or Christmas, as the day you'll create your photo book so you don't miss a year. Find out more in our photo book FAQs.
Video Montage Moving pictures also make great memory-keepers. You don't need to be a professional director to create a great family video. Use an app like 1SE to capture just one second a day to create a short video with a big punch at the end of baby's first year and beyond. The basic app is free, but the pro version allows you to capture longer snippets of video and add features like music. Otherwise, most phones contain basic video-editing software that will allow you to stitch together several short videos to create a great, moving memory capsule.
Letters Even in the digital age, there is nothing quite like an old-fashioned handwritten letter. Notes from the heart in Mom and Dad's own handwriting will be treasured forever. A weekly letter to your child, even if it's short, will provide your child with warm memories of their childhood. Some parents choose to write letters to their child on their birthdays to highlight the previous year's major events and recap some of the day-to-day activities their child enjoyed that year. Some parents add letters on special occasions such as graduations. Collect your letters in a sturdy box and add photos or letters from siblings and other special people in your child's life. Or, wait until your child is 18 and collect the letters in a book.
Journal Keeping a journal gives the same ultra-personal feel as handwritten letters but with the convenience of having all of your notes to your child bound together in one place. Some parents-to-be even start journals to their baby when they are still expecting. We love the Baby journal from Write to Me. If you think you might get writer's block, try a guided journal like Stories for My Child: A Mother's Memory Journal, shown above. These types of journals provide prompts to guide you through what to write.
Keepsake Box There are things you will probably want to keep to help tell your baby's story. It might be a hospital bracelet, the front page of the newspaper from the day your baby was born, the first time they met their grandparents, an early drawing or a lock from their first haircut. After you designate a box as the place to store these keepsakes, make the items come to life for you (and, in the future, for your child), by writing a small note to go with each one. Over time, you may add another box or two to your collection. This is a great way to keep all of these small but important things together to ensure they don't get lost. That way, when you walk down memory lane, you will have some tangible reminders of those long-ago days and the special stories to go with them.
Email A simple way you can preserve memories of your baby is to create an email account for them. Send an email to your child to read in the future describing the events of that day or week. Include milestones but also details about your day-to-day life as a family, their friends, and how you feel about watching them grow. Some parents give their child the password to their email account when they turn 18, but there is no rule saying you need to wait that long. Be sure you log into your child's account at least once a month to keep it active!
You’ve seen them marvel at a simple rock and squeal with delight over a dandelion, so the idea that children have a strong connection to nature is no news to parents. Having a family discussion about the human impact on the environment can be a powerful way for children to take the next step in understanding the importance of protecting Earth—especially when we arm them with solutions. Here’s why caring about the Earth matters for your kids and you.
photo: iStock
Mental & Physical Health Benefits
One of the most tangible arguments for becoming stewards of Earth is the positive impact that nature has on our mental and physical well-being. Many children do not get enough time outdoors, which can make it challenging to draw the more obvious parallels between a healthy planet and healthy people. Jennifer Walsh, a nature connector for people and businesses, describes this as a “nature-deficit disorder.”
With distance learning and parents trying to juggle work and life at home during a pandemic, outdoor play can take a backseat, especially if you don’t have a backyard of your own. As Walsh explains, “Unfortunately because of COVID, studies have shown that young children have spent less time outside, and this disconnection, or nature deficit disorder, is showing that children’s white matter in their brains is not developing properly. This causes delays in learning and even the ability to concentrate.”
photo: iStock
Research has been ongoing for years on the positive effects of nature education for children, with terms like forest bathing becoming part of our everyday vernacular. But what does that mean, exactly?
Spending time outside increases mental clarity and eases anxiety—but it’s not just the fresh air. Walsh describes phytoncides, a chemical released by certain trees, especially conifers like pines and cedars, “It’s an invisible aerosol that the trees emit that helps protect them from bacteria. When we are amongst these trees and inhale those aerosols, it releases something within us called our natural killer cells, which in turn help us ward off disease and illness. This has been studied since the early ’80s.”
photo: iStock
An extensive study conducted by a team of research professionals from the Nippon Medical School in Tokyo, Japan found that exposure to the phytoncides over seven days increased anti-cancer proteins in their test subjects and that the increased level of those natural killer cells and proteins lasted for seven days after exposure. That means a walk in the woods has lasting benefits beyond the immediate.
photo: iStock
That’s great news because even if you live in a more urban environment, a nature walk once a week can have big benefits. Taking the kids for a walk in the woods, a park, or a nature preserve is great exercise and good for everyone’s brains. While you are in a beautiful place, take the time to discuss the importance of such places and why we should protect them. Bring along an extra plastic bag to clean up litter, never leave your trash behind, and take lots of time to observe the animals and plants around you. And, of course, take some deep breaths while you are there.
Consequences of Actions aka The Life Cycle of a Plastic Bag
Children love animals—real ones, stuffed toy ones, storybook characters, cartoon animals. Making the connection that something like a plastic bag can threaten animal health is a powerful way for children to understand the long-term repercussions of human actions.
For example, a plastic bag that ends up in the ocean can be mistaken for a jellyfish by a sea turtle. Sea turtles love to eat jellyfish, and so they eat plastic bags which wreaks havoc on their digestive systems. According to The Turtle Hospital, a sea turtle rescue and rehabilitation center in the Florida Keys, “Turtles are opportunistic feeders, meaning they will eat just about anything.” This includes plastic bags, plastic gloves, fishing lines and other errant trash.
We can all help sea turtles—and other sea life—with simple, everyday action that involves recycling, reducing and reusing. This is as easy as using cloth bags, buying products with less packaging, shopping local, especially from local farms. The big one? Get a reusable water bottle. “A plastic water bottle is used for five minutes and is around for 500 years,” the Turtle Hospital writes. “A recent study found that on average our oceans are littered with 47,000 pieces of plastic per square mile!”
photo: iStock
Be mindful of scaring your children or causing increased anxiety by offering straightforward solutions to the problem that they can be part of: We don’t use plastic bags because they can be eaten by sea turtles; we bring reusable bags to the store; can you be in charge of remembering the bags today?
While it may not be the most altruistic of reasons to recycle, reduce and reuse, understanding the concept of “waste not, want not” is a pretty quick one for any kid to grasp. If a box of Ziploc bags costs $5, and you rinse and reuse them instead of needing to buy a new box (or better yet, use a more Earth-friendly option like these) you just saved $5. In a month that’s $20, which is a small fortune to a child.
The Turtle Hospital reminds us that being a responsible consumer is key. “Know where your seafood was obtained and how it was caught.” Because unethical fishing and overharvesting can decimate protected species, not to mention add to the pollution in the ocean, be sure your seafood was caught sustainably. You can check out seafoodwatch.org to learn more.
photo: Christine Lai
Making the connection that how we spend money impacts the environment is a critical stage to understanding why conscious consumerism matters. Factories have to produce more products, causing more by-products and waste; vehicles have to ship these products, which uses fuel and contributes pollution to the environment. These concepts are easy to explain and even easier to put into action when you do simple things like considering the source of your food and packaging.
photo: iStock
Be the Change
Remember, as Reena B. Patel, a well-known parenting expert, positive psychologist, and Licensed Educational Board Certified Behavior Analyst, puts it, “Children are also born with an altruistic approach. This helping behavior seems to be innate because it appears so early and before many parents start teaching children the rules of polite behavior. Young children are concrete learners and model what they see. Clean up toys and cleaning up trash from the ground is a concrete and generalized behavior. To them, it is the same thing. ”
Raising a child that is Earth-friendly, aware of the importance of the natural environment and able to make changes every day with their decisions is one of the most powerful tools parents have today in the face of climate change. But, just like brushing your teeth or trying not to cuss at your neighbors, it’s behavior that we need to model first. So put those cloth bags right by your door, ditch the plastic water bottles, and stop throwing away the old to-go containers you were too lazy to rinse, parents. We know you can do it!
I gave birth to my daughter on a Monday. That Friday, my mom died.
My daughter was five days old. I got a call from my Dad mid-morning, who said he was nearby and wanted to come over for a few minutes. He lived 40 minutes away. He never just happened to be nearby.
I hung up the phone, waddled to the bathroom to take care of my postpartum self, and hustled back down the hallway just as my Dad was walking through the door of our condo. He looked up but didn’t smile.
“Mom died today,” he said, offering no additional details, leaving an opening for me to say something. Anything.
But I didn’t say anything. I released a strong breath, then looked over at my baby in my husband’s arms on the couch. He was dangling a bottle of formula over the armrest, burp cloth draped over his chest, staring back at me, waiting for my reaction to news that was stunning but also a long time coming.
My mom suffered her first brain bleed when I was 10 years old. When my mom’s brain bled for the second time, I was 12, and this time she stayed in the hospital for more than four months, followed by an extensive stay in a rehab facility. When she finally came home, she wasn’t who she had always been. My mom died that summer in the hospital, though the doctors told us she had made a miraculous recovery.
Traumatic brain injuries have a way of taking someone away while leaving them right next to you. I saw my mom next to me, in her wheelchair, slurred speech, sad eyes. But it wasn’t her at all. The person I knew, the person I needed, she no longer existed. She had become her illness.
I lost her when I was 12, but it wasn’t until I was 33 and a new mom that I felt the finality of that loss. All those years of mourning and coping and managing, I thought those years would prepare me for this moment. But I was surprised to learn that no amount of loss can prepare you for death.
When it was time for the funeral, my husband drove slowly into the cemetery. I had one hand near my newborn’s mouth, holding her pacifier in place, while the other hand covered my own mouth to control my tears. Sitting in the back seat of the car, staring down at my daughter, my mind was racing, replaying years of grief all at once and all over again.
But this was a new type of grief that shook me that day in the car, and for months after. I was no longer just a daughter grieving the loss of her mother, but a mother grappling with the possibility that my daughter could one day face a similar fate. For the first time since she got sick, I saw myself in my mom.
As my daughter’s first birthday approached, so did the anniversary of my mom’s death. That week was both happy and sad and also confusing. Of course, this week will occur every year in the years to come, and I will have to find a productive way to spend this time. I hope to be able to do that soon.
But until then, I will mark both events separately, as they are. The anniversary of my mom’s death will honor the woman I lost and then lost again. My daughter’s birthday will celebrate the beautiful, spirited, feisty little girl I brought into this world.
And together, these events will be a reminder of who I am because of them both.
Lauren Mandel is the daughter of Daniel Shapiro, author of the book “The Thin Ledge.” In the book Shapiro recounts his family’s difficulties with his wife's sudden but long-term illness and the family's caregiving struggle. Lauren serves as a chair for the Brain Research Foundation, in honor of her mom.
