Anxiety told this sweet girl to panic. Anxiety told this little one she couldn’t be alone in a room. Anxiety told this sweet one she had to fear, rather than be filled with joy. But you know what anxiety didn’t do? It didn’t take over. It didn’t get the best of her. It didn’t take away her happiness.
This sweet girl took control. She didn’t allow it to strip her from her joy. She didn’t let the thoughts churning inside crush her spirit.
This little girl did the work. She learned strategies to calm her spirit when it was revving up. She practiced relaxation techniques. She took deep breaths and then some more.
This little girl did the work. And now, as a teen, she is thriving. Anxiety creeps in every now and then but she has the tools to stop it long before it attempts to take over.
When I look at her now, I see a calm surrounding her. She has arrived at a place of comfort. She has arrived at a place of peace. She has arrived at a place of confidence.
My sweet girl is a light of hope and strength.
As I look at her now, in social settings talking with confidence, not worrying about the next thing coming and laughing with a joy that deeply fills her heart, I take pause.
I pause and I smile, with tears in my eyes, knowing how blessed she is, how much work she has done and the payoff now of feeling free…
Free from the controls of anxiety.
Free.
And what a blessing for my sweet girl.
So mamas, if your little one is struggling with anxiety, know there is hope. If you are looking for some tips on how to help your little one, turn to your pediatrician or reach out to a therapist for guidance. They have the tools and answers to guide you through this journey.
Ali Flynn Is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Mom and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home.
Do you know that voice inside your head that says you “messed up,” or you “aren’t good enough?” Maybe it says other not-so-kind things, too. Most of us are familiar with the experience of having a voice inside that can be hard on us—this can be called “our inner critic.”
Adults and children alike can experience an internal battle with our inner critic. Sometimes our inner critics can get very loud, leading to feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Most of us don’t love feeling guilt or shame so we find strategies to avoid these feelings. One of these strategies is perfectionism. Perfectionism is when parts of us want things to be just right in order to avoid some type of negative outcome. Sometimes what we are trying to avoid is internal self-blame, other times it’s criticism or blame from others. Still, other times it’s because we are trying to avoid the disappointment of things not going as we had planned.
Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. As we work to be perfect in an “imperfect” world, we are bound to hit some challenges along the way. Here are some signs of perfectionism:
Feeling badly about something unless over 100% effort is given
Difficulty starting tasks
Procrastination
Avoiding situations that could end in failure
Being highly critical of one’s self
Difficulty coping with making mistakes
Struggling with shame/embarrassment
Struggling with self-doubt
Struggling with appearing vulnerable
Focusing strongly on outcomes or end-results
The signs above can apply to both children and adults. Do you see any that you recognize? Sometimes it can be hard to pick up on perfectionistic tendencies in young children. Younger children may show perfectionism less verbally, and more in how they behave in certain situations. For instance:
Having frequent meltdowns when they make a mistake
Expressing embarrassment or shame when they get hurt
Working hard to avoid disappointing others
Struggling with making choices
Avoiding trying new things or starting tasks
Constantly asking for adult help for tasks they are able to do themselves.
To be clear these signs need to be taken into context as there are other reasons children may show these behaviors, but it can be helpful to begin to notice what is triggering to each child. If it seems like it may be along with the themes of “making mistakes” or having things be “just so,” perfectionism may be what you are seeing. If we notice these things early, we can start to support children to learn self-acceptance.
So what can you do if you notice a child struggling with perfectionism or their own inner-critic? Moving towards self-acceptance can help find ways of welcoming all parts of us, just the way they are. Try some of these ideas for supporting self-acceptance at home:
Here are some ideas for supporting perfectionist kiddos at home:
1. Celebrate strengths. Even perfectionism has its positive sides. Make sure your child understands that you appreciate them just the way they are.
2. Model positive self-talk. When you make a mistake, watch what you say to yourself. Model for your child how to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.
3. Welcome all feelings. When we welcome anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between we send the message that being human is okay! Sometimes we aren’t at our best or say things in anger, and we can work through those things.
4. Teach Repair. Sometimes shame and self-criticism can be strong for children because they don’t know “how to make it right.” Let your children know that there is always something we can try to do to make it right.
5. Try open-ended games and art. Try offering games, activities, and opportunities that don’t just have one right answer. This openness can take the pressure off and allow for more creativity, joy and relaxation throughout the day.
For even more support in tackling perfectionism, introduce Yak, a new Slumberkins creature whose story teaches the concepts of self-acceptance, perfectionism and perseverance by reminding little ones that they are enough, just as they are. Reading Yak’s book with your little one and practicing the self-acceptance affirmation can help your child take risks and understand that it’s okay to not be perfect at something the first time they try it.
Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world.
This is how I look during most days of quarantine. Are you digging the crazy bun and no makeup?
Well, as crazy as this messy bun looks, and I’m not sure why it always flops to the side, it is a blessing.
A symbol of renewal and change.
I used to be, like so many of us, the one running all over the place, all of the time and it was never-ending and downright exhausting.
To be honest though, most days I was simply running in circles.
Running from being bored. Running from not feeling grounded. Running from going through the motions.
But now, I’m lucky if I get out of my pajamas before noon on most days and it’s not because I’m sleeping.
Just the opposite, I’m present.
I’m present and not rushing out of the side door forgetting where my keys are.
I’m present and able to listen fully to each story the girls have to share, rather than rushing out to pick up the last-minute item I need for dinner.
I’m present, fully present, often waiting for them.
I’m talking with the girls over a cup of tea, not rushing, as they pop down to the kitchen to see me between classes online.
I’m making egg sandwiches and making sure it has a dash of love—not rushing.
I’m driving in the car, blasting our favorite songs and belting out the lyrics (most of them wrong)—not rushing.
And you know what? I’m okay with it.
I’m okay not rushing around and I’m okay sometimes being bored. Because I have gained so much more by not rushing.
It doesn’t mean I’m lazy.
It doesn’t mean I’m unmotivated.
It doesn’t mean I don’t want to try.
It just means I have accepted this slowed-down life and pace for what it is. A way to slow down and finally implement all we so desperately craved one year ago. For me, there is a silver lining to the pandemic. I was finally able to find some calm, some peace.
I was finally able to allow relaxation to seep into every pore of my body.
So the new me, with the weird side bun, no makeup, and a smile on my face, can be found planted in the kitchen or on the couch waiting for the girls to hang out and chat.
Maybe it’s a heart-to-heart, maybe just a quick laugh over something they saw online, or maybe we simply sit, with nowhere to go and embrace the moment.
Ali Flynn Is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Mom and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home.
The effect of stress on our health has become a major topic of conversation over the last few decades because our lives are continuously becoming more stressful. We live in a society that values ‘busyness,’ and believes that success is tied to action.
This is one of many reasons that makes navigating fertility challenges so stressful. We work so hard at it, invest so much energy, time, and money—we expect success because that is what we’ve been conditioned to expect. So, when pregnancy doesn’t happen and we feel we are doing everything we can, we begin to feel powerless. This lack of control can be frustrating and difficult.
Enter STRESS. Decades of research on the associations between stress and infertility have made this connection well-known and accepted. Encouragingly, there is as much data that suggests that mind-body practices can effectively reduce stress, mitigate the infertility experience, and perhaps even enhance reproductive outcomes.
As Maté outlines in “When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection,” stress can be characterized as having four major causes: 1) lack of control, 2) uncertainty, 3) emotional isolation, and 4) inability to express emotions (2003). If you’ve had or are experiencing fertility challenges, you’re probably nodding your head thinking that these stressors pretty well sum up a life with infertility. When you’re told to relax, this often has the opposite effect, increasing the stress response. We are often left without the knowledge or tools to deal with stress. Also, the situations that cause stress will not go away and tend to cycle monthly.
If these stressors are inherent to the fertility journey and cannot be reduced, how can you minimize stress so you can support your fertility efforts?The prescription of staying stress-free, although based in truth, is extremely over-simplified and almost impossible. The good news is that we can control the way we deal with stress and the effects that it has on the body. We can periodically take our bodies out of the stress response and into the relaxation response. But first, we need to be able to identify stress in our bodies. Let’s break down the three stages of stress, known as the General Adaptation Syndrome, as described by Hans Seyle:
Alarm. When our bodies are in stress response, our body sends us warning signals that things are getting out of control. These warning signals can wear a variety of faces: a) physical – headaches, insomnia, loss of appetite or binge eating, teeth grinding; b) behavioral – alcohol or drug abuse, compulsiveness, restlessness; c) emotional – aggression, irritability, frequent crying; d) cognitive – impaired concentration, judgmental thoughts, racing mind, blaming, and distortions in thoughts like all or nothing thinking, or jumping to irrational conclusions.
Resistance. This is when the alarms are going off, but we choose to ignore them.
Exhaustion. After ignoring the symptoms, our bodies take control and slam on the brakes. This usually comes in the form of falling ill as our immune systems are compromised from being in heightened stress response for too long.
Once you’re able to identify stress, you can begin coming up with a stress management plan to help combat it. The three “A’s of Change” can be a useful framework to begin:
Awareness. Become aware of your warning signs. What are your alarm bells? Behavioral, Cognitive, Physical, Emotional?
Acceptance. Acceptance does not mean giving in. Recognizing and accepting is key to moving on. By saying, “I am sad, and sadness is a normal human response. It’s ok,” we acknowledge the warning signals and can begin to process our stress.
Action. This is the step that is often the hardest because it involves changing our old habits. Rather than reaching for a bottle of wine or the TV remote, find what brings you genuine ease (often bringing the attention inward). List a few options that you can follow to deal with the stress: take a bath, go for a walk, take a restorative yoga class, meditate, or simply stop and breathe deeply. Be preemptive in your action–when you know you have a particularly stressful procedure or appointment coming up, begin a few days before to deep breathe, meditate, and visualize positive outcomes.
Ask yourself (and be honest with yourself), do you take the time needed to increase your relaxation with mind-body practices? If your honest answer is no and you think you need a little help or motivation, start looking for that support. Find nice short walks in nature nearby and locate restorative or fertility yoga classes. Find classes online for meditation or yoga and schedule this time into your calendar. Make a promise to yourself to do it, and don’t break that promise. Relaxation takes practice – it’s not as easy as saying, “I am now going to be a relaxed person.” Just like any other skill, this takes time and commitment to make it part of your life. You can’t expect to relax on cue after spending weeks, months, or years in a state of chronic stress.
And finally, let’s reframe our view on relaxation from ‘doing nothing’ and make it more accessible to our ‘doing’ mindset. You are doing something profound, nurturing, and supportive of your fertility that does not involve huge amounts of money, medication, time, or energy. Relaxation is a proactive activity to support your fertility that you can control. You are preparing your body to be as receptive as possible to whatever measures you are taking to conceive.
Dr. Wael Salem is Board Certified in Obstetrics and Gynecology and is Board Eligible in Reproductive Endocrinology. His interests include fertility for cancer patients, PCOS, fertility preservation (egg freezing) and preimplantation genetic testing for hereditary genetic diseases. Dr. Salem joined CCRM Minneapolis in 2018.
Picture this: you just need a break. So you pick up the remote, flip on some cartoons and settle in the kiddos so you can take a breathe. But you may want think twice.
A recent study from the University of Arizona published in the International Journal of Advertising has found that instead of feeling a sense of relaxation while children are watching TV, parents feel the opposite––stress. So what’s the deal?
It’s simple really. Kids who watch a lot of TV are subjected to a lot of advertising. Which in turn, leads to a whole lotta whining, crying and pleading when they accompany parents to the store, trying to get everything they saw a commercial for on TV.
Lead study author Matthew Lapierre, an assistant professor in the UArizona Department of Communication in the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences says, “The more advertising children see, the more they ask for things and the more conflict is generated.” Of course, there are plenty of ways to combat the problem.
For starters, parents can limit screen time. More importantly, they can have open communication with their kids about consumerism and involving the entire family in purchasing decisions. The study also found that collaborative communication with children resulted in less stress for parents and that avoiding controlling (“I said no and no arguing”) or advertising (“They just want us to buy what they’re selling) communication helped keep stress low as well.
The study was done using data from 433 parents of children ages 2 to 12. The researchers angled the study to focus on younger kids because they rely on their parents for purchases as opposed to more independent behaviors in older kids.
Parents answered questions about communication style, how much television their kids watch each day, their children’s behavior while shopping and their own stress level.
The other day, my husband gave me a little gift with which to amuse myself while he was out of town – a paint-n-bake coffee mug with an intricate mandala sort of design on both sides and a set of four special markers. The idea is that when you finish coloring it, you bake it for 45 minutes and the color becomes permanent. (More or less. You are advised to hand-wash the mug.)
A while back, Dan had given me several coloring books and assorted colored pencils, the latest fad in relaxation techniques. Presumably, focusing on the coloring keeps your mind off your troubles. One of the coloring books I later obtained let you color a bunch of swear words, which are very satisfying to contemplate.
Anyway, I wrote about the coloring craze some time ago in a blog post (“Color My World” http://wp.me/p4e9wS-jP), in which I said,
I don’t know anyone who admits to coloring within the lines when they were kids. Coloring outside the lines … was a badge of freedom and creativity and, for some, poor fine motor skills. It was how the more inhibited of us let our freak flags fly.
The coffee mug, however, was clearly intended to be colored within the lines, unless done as an art project by a five-year-old for Father’s Day.
This presented a little problem for me. I have “essential tremor,” which is doctor-speak for “We don’t know why your hands shake; they just do.” With coloring books, this wasn’t much of an issue, because the pages never even made it as far as the refrigerator door. A coffee mug, however, is meant to be used, though, so conceivably other people might see it. (Not that I’m a great one for having koffee klatches, except by phone with my mother-in-law.)
As I started coloring the first side of the mug, I discovered something useful – until baked, the colors were far from permanent. They could be rubbed away easily with a fingertip or a Kleenex. Or the heel of your hand as you rested it on the mug, trying to get the top half colored. Finally, I decided that the teensy white spaces within the itty-bitty black lines were just suggestions, and colored the larger shapes, staying vaguely between the lines and leaving those little accents of white, just for contrast.
By the time I had accomplished that, my hands were well and truly shaking. I could have stopped there and finished the mug later, on a day when my tremor was less troublesome. (It comes and goes, aggravated by fatigue or stress.) But I wanted to get the damned thing over and done with.
I decided that I would purposely let my freak flag fly on the other side. I would not even try to stay within the lines. Instead I took the markers and colored in bright diagonal streaks of different lengths and widths, with reckless disregard for any and all black lines. It was, in its own way, very satisfying, even if it did resemble the aforementioned Father’s Day gift. It was bright and cheery, and it looked absolutely nothing like the mandala pattern or the other side’s more constrained coloring.
I had warned Dan that I didn’t intend both sides of the mug to look the same, but I think he just supposed I would use different colors for the different parts of the identical design. We’ll see what he says when he gets home. As a child of the sixties, he should appreciate my rebelliousness, and as a fan of the Impressionists, he ought to admire my emotionally free style.
And if he doesn’t, I’ll just use the mug myself. It’s quite a large one, big enough to contain both my outer adult and my inner child. And lots of coffee.
P.S. Thanks to Ellen Kollie, friend and former coworker, for suggesting I turn this Facebook post into a blog post. If it doesn’t work, it’s all your fault.
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Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.
Etsy announced their 2020 Kids Trend Guide, based on Etsy search data from the last three months. With more time spent at home than ever before, this year’s trends look a little different than expected. Featuring ‘90s-inspired crafts, upgraded playrooms, show-stopping nursery decor upgrades and more, this year’s trends are all about fostering a lively and friendly environment for kids.
Etsy’s 2020 Kids Trends:
‘90s nostalgia
The ‘90s are back, with nostalgic activities and styles– on the rise. Tie-dye is undeniably the shopper favorite with a 318% increase in searches for kids tie-dye items. Other rising stars include daisy items, up 66%, jump ropes, up 228%* and kids overalls up 15%.
Playroom upgrades
As we find ourselves spending more time at home this year, parents are investing in the spaces their kids use most to help keep the boredom at bay. There has been a remarkable 680% increase in searches for climbing gyms, and 85% increase in searches for playmats, along with items that promote relaxation, with searches for bean bag chairs up 145%. And, when looking for decor inspiration, kids are loving fun wall decor, with a 71% increase in searches for dinosaur wall art or decor, and a 37% increase in searches for school of fish items.
Quiet time
The wellness trend is making its way into kids’ care, as parents look to carve out space and time that promote relaxation and self-care. On Etsy, there’s been a 198% increase in searches for quiet activity books, a 164% increase in searches for yoga items for kids, a 158% increase in searches for kids puzzles, and a 107% increase in searches for kids journals.
Kid-friendly crafts
An appealing alternative to screen time, on Etsy, we’ve seen kid-friendly crafts spike in popularity, with searches for DIY kits for kids up 336%, a 648% increase in searches for kids sewing kits, a 692% increase in searches for friendship bracelet kits, and a whopping 2,575% increase in searches for kids paint by number kits.
Photo-worthy nurseries
As virtual introductions to newborns become the new normal, there’s a fresh focus on creating a camera-ready space, incorporating maximalist touches, and can’t-miss-me details for show-stopping stylish spaces. Searches for nursery buntings or garlands jumped 81%, nursery mobiles searches jumped 49%, and nursery wall stickers and decals searches jumped 6% on Etsy.
Little Helpers
Whether it’s drying the dishes, baking a cake, or cleaning the house, kids are becoming more involved with daily household tasks. We’ve already seen a 247% increase in searches for Montessori towers, a 118% increase in searches for kids step stool, and a 43% increase in searches on Etsy for chore charts.
With some schools closed for a few weeks and others till the end of the school year, kids are feeling completely out of sorts with any kind of normal routine. To ease the disruption and cultivate a sense of joy and calm within what is a chaotic time, what is helping in my house is meditation. While meditation for me looks like sitting with my eyes closed and focusing on my breath, it looks very different for my two and a half-year-old. While the benefits of meditation for children are similar in that it helps them to cultivate a focused attention, become more compassionate and kind to themselves and others, and helps regulate emotion, meditation practice for kids is different than for adults.
Here are a few meditation and mindfulness practices for different age groups that can help you and your children feel more relaxed during this time.
3 to 6-Year-Olds
Snail Breathing: Find a nice place to sit with your child. Make sure all distractions are put away. They can be next to you or seated on your lap. Show them your right hand, spreading out all five fingers. Begin by showing them the practice. The practice is tracing your right hand with the pointer finger of your left hand. You inhale as you go up to your thumb, exhale as you go down your thumb, inhale as you go up to your pointer finger, exhale as you go down your pointer finger … when you get to your pinky switch hands and do the same thing on the other side.
Counting Breaths: Lay down with your child or guide them through this exercise. Have them get comfortable and stretch out onto their backs. Close their eyes, let the body be limp, like a doll. Begin to count breaths. 1: breathe in, 2: breathe out, 3:breathe in, continue up to 10. If they are old enough ask them to do it again and count their breaths silently up to 10, and when they reach 10, to start again. If they lose track counting, start counting again, and begin at 1.
30 Second Meditation: Ask your child to run in place or do it with them for 30 seconds, then ask them to put their hands on their heart, noticing the speed of the beats.
Sound Meditation: Have your child close their eyes while you start playing musical instruments. Ask the child to open their eyes when they notice that the sound has gone and it’s silent.
Tingly Meditation: Have your child stand up and raise their arms above their heads. Ask them to shake their arms and hands really fast. Then say stop and have them put their attention on the sensation they feel in their arms and hands.
The Balloon: Standing up in a relaxed way ask your child to think of their favorite color and picture a giant balloon of that color in their mind. Take a slow, deep inhale through the nose, filling up their bellies with air as if trying to blow up their giant balloon. Then on the next inhale, ask them to stretch their arms open and overhead to represent the big balloon. When their balloon is totally full, ask them to hold their breath at the top, and then you can “pop the balloon” for them (gesture finger to belly) and they can fall down as they exhale.
Back Meditation: Have your child lay on their tummy and you trace a letter on their back. Ask them what letter you’ve drawn. You can do this with shapes as well.
6 to 12-Year-Olds
Body Relaxation: Ask your child to lie on the floor and starting from their toes moving up to their head, have them tense their muscles for 5 seconds—squeezing as tightly as they can—before releasing again.
See, Hear, Smell: Encourage your child to tap into their senses by pausing for a moment and noticing exactly what they can see, hear and smell in that particular moment.
Mantra: Ask your child to pick a word and have them close their eyes and silently say the word over and over again. If they get distracted tell them to come back to the word. The word can be cat, dog, lion, etc.
Breathing Meditation: Have your child sit and ask them to put their attention on their breath, the inhale and the exhale. Ask them to identify where they feel the breath most clearly in the body (belly, chest, nose). Have that become their focus of attention. Saying to themselves, breathing in, breathing out. And when they get distracted, have them refocus back to their focus of attention and silently repeating breathing in, breathing out.
The beauty of meditation and mindfulness practice is that it is always available to you. There is nothing fancy you need to begin. All it takes is setting aside a few minutes within your children’s day to devote to one of the above activities. You could do snail breathing before breakfast, a body relaxation after lunch, or a back meditation before bed. Sharing these practices with your child will help you and them feel grounded in the present moment and more connected. For more inspiration, check out these meditation courses for parents.
Cynthia Kane is a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor and the founder of the Kane Intentional Communication Institute. She is the author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, and the upcoming book, How To Meditate Like A Buddhist.
It’s not always easy to find time to just sit down and read a good book with your kids, but science shows that it can have some amazing benefits. According to research, getting lost in a book can boost your mental well-being in a variety of ways.
Whether you read books with your kids in bits and pieces or you just powered through the entire Harry Potter series in record speed, research shows that if you get caught up in a good story you are enjoying many great benefits, including pure enjoyment and relaxation. Beyond simply being an entertaining way to spend time, experts say reading can exercise your mind and make you more empathetic.
Photo: Amber Guetebier
“Stories allow us to feel connected with others and part of something bigger than ourselves,” Melanie Green, PhD, associate professor in the department of communication at University at Buffalo told NBC News BETTER. Green, who has studied the concept of getting lost in a good book, says that although it is typically high-quality writing that engages readers, ultimately the type of book that makes you feel swept away is subjective and different for every reader.
Reading can also help develop social skills. Green explains that reading gives you a sense of belonging and connection to others. It can also help you with real world interactions, explains Keith Oatley, PhD, professor emeritus in the department of applied psychology and human development at University of Toronto. “We get to enter the minds of these other people. And in doing that we understand other people better,” Oatley says.
A good book can also help melt away the stress of your day, which is why reading together at bedtime is such a great way to end the day. “People who are absorbed in a story world aren’t ruminating on their own personal concerns,” says Green.
It can also help get you relaxed for your own bedtime. If it’s been awhile since you’ve cracked open a book that wasn’t illustrated, join our Red Tricycle Book Club to get some good recommendations.
It was another typical sleepless night of tossing and turning, unable to shut off my brain after a long day of work and managing all that comes with four active boys. I picked up my phone and searched “insomnia” on YouTube and came across a few meditations and hypnosis videos, popped my earbuds in and shut my eyes.
Meh. Not helping.
I did another search of “relaxation” and found a video of a young blonde woman entitled “sleepy time soft sounds massage” so I clicked…with hesitation, because I was unsure of what I was about to hear.
At first, I was horrified that I may have clicked on some kind of somehow-safe-for-YouTube-porn, but after viewing for a bit there was nothing sexual. Just a lovely young woman with a Russian accent whispering that she was going to brush my hair and help me get to sleep. Slightly creeped out, but desperate for some shut-eye, I closed my eyes, listened and fell asleep within minutes. Success!
The next day, I had images of my husband busting into the room showing me our internet history thinking our boys had stumbled into something they shouldn’t, only to embarrassingly admit that I was the culprit. Yes, I was the one listening to a hot Russian woman pretend to brush my hair and help me have “head tingles” to relax.
Obviously, that didn’t happen—but I wouldn’t have cared anyway because it worked. I was quickly lulled to sleep by her gentle and reassuring voice. I was hooked.
What I had stumbled across was a hugely popular, but still very underground, phenomenon called ASMR—short for “autonomous sensory meridian response.”I noticed that this one ASMR YouTuber’s channel had over a million and a half subscribers and 10 million views of this one video alone. Maybe the subscribers were mostly creepy guys, but I had to figure it was more than that.
I scanned the comments on the video and yes there were some guys, but most were regular folks suffering from stress and insomnia. I was surprised to find moms like me thanking her for allowing them to rest and for giving them a mental and emotional break. Some were coping with depression and anxiety through the videos, others would listen while undergoing treatments for cancer. I was still seized with thoughts of whether this was all kosher but nothing I saw or heard was “off” in any way.
It reminded me of years ago in when a man came to repair one of the typewriters in my high school typing class (yes, typing class). I was supposed to be doing my drills on the typewriter but found myself completely mesmerized by his thymic movements, tinkering with his tools repairing the machine in front of me that I just stopped typing and my head started to tingle, my body went limp and I just wanted to zone out.
It took every effort not to lean forward and say to him, “Can you just stay there all day and just keep doing what you’re doing because it I’m completely relaxed which is no small feat.”
Was I a total weirdo? Not really.
Many of us have had this sensation at least once and it can be triggered by a variety of things. For some it can be triggered by tapping or any repetitive movement or sound. It often happens to me when I’m sitting in church and there’s someone knitting near me. The rhythmic and repetitive tapping and clicking of the knitting needles and twisting and looping of yarn zones me right out and relaxation sets in.
For someone who just cannot shut off my brain or my body, it’s a much-needed break for my poor overworked nervous system. Isn’t every mom’s nervous system shot like mine at least on some level?
I’ve now become an ASMR aficionado and have my favorite go-to ASMR YouTubers. Instead of dreading bedtime and another night of catastrophizing about my kids, job and life, I look forward to a new ASMR adventure in relaxation. There’s no need for a trip to the spa when I can simply put on my headphones, close my eyes and just tune out.
Some videos last an hour or more, others mere minutes—so when my six-year-old and 16-year-old twins are battling it out in the living room, I can pop in my earbuds to hear someone whispering calm words or using a gentle rain stick and I can feel my blood pressure falling like the raindrop sounds on the video.
Of course, I’m usually sawing logs before it’s even over but that was the point in the first place. And it’s not like my kids would let me just pass out for a few minutes like that, anyway. That’s alright—I know I’ve got a good night’s sleep waiting for me once they’re in bed.
Laura Richards is a writer and mother of four boys including a set of identical twins. She has written for The New York Times, The Washington Post, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, Martha Stewart Living, Reader's Digest and many more.
