ML Interest Tag: resilient

The Fire Extinguisher Solution to Parenting

By Jamie Edelbrock

The other night I was watching one of my favorite shows, New Girl. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a hilarious show about four roommates living life as a family unit in California. In this particular episode, one of the roommates is cooking buttered bacon on the stove. An argument occurs, and he turns his back on the sizzling meat for a minute. Before the close pals know it, a grease fire starts. Chaos breaks out and one of them, thinking it will help, sprays water on the flames. That, of course, only makes things worse.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t put a grease fire out with water? The reason you can’t is that oil and water don’t mix. When water hits the grease, it causes the grease to splatter, which causes the fire to spread rapidly.

The picture of an unexpected, explosive grease fire is how I feel about parenting sometimes. I always mean well, but it doesn’t always end well. Unfortunately, my watery methods don’t always mix with my children’s sometimes oily troubles.

It reminds me of a time I was working as a Family Director at a local preschool. I opened the school at 6:30 a.m. every morning, and my children came with me. Although I worked at the preschool, my children didn’t attend this school during the day, so the bus would pick them up and take them to their public school every morning. On this particular morning, my then-seven-year-old child refused to get on the bus, and I was very frustrated. We were causing a scene in front of parents, students, and staff. I thought for sure that if I demanded and yelled that she gets on the bus, she would. Tough love, right? Wrong. It was an unexpected, explosive grease fire moment.

Amidst parents dropping their kids off at the preschool, she was crying, shouting, and stomping her feet. I was pointing at the door and was yelling for her to leave. All I kept wondering was why she wasn’t listening. I couldn’t help but feel I was a failure as a mom, and if I was a failure as a mom, I was certainly a failure as the school’s family director! Ugh. We didn’t know at that moment, but we both felt lost, embarrassed, and hurt at the same time.

Kids are resilient, and thankfully an explosive moment or fiery disagreement doesn’t mean you have ruined your children or that you’re a failure as a parent. However, after many moments like this one, I was wondering what I was doing wrong.

It wasn’t long after that a friend suggested we see a therapist. Although worry and shame filled my mind, we eventually took the advice. Guess what? It turned out my daughter wasn’t trying to spite me when she was acting up, and she wasn’t trying to cause trouble every day. After several sessions and evaluations, she was diagnosed with anxiety. (Insert mom guilt here!)

I have seen kids struggle with their mental health throughout my life, from siblings and students to my children. Each experience was unique, but there is something in common with every situation—the children always looked to adults to be the calming voice in their chaos. They are looking to caregivers to smother their fire, not increase the flames.

Laura Guarino-Youngfleisch MA, LMHC, is the clinical manager of children’s outreach health services at SalusCare, Inc. In an article, she said, “Every child deserves to be healthy both physically and mentally. You can help any child you know by ensuring that he or she gets the necessary services simply by noticing there is a problem and advocating on the child’s behalf.”

Parents—you, yes you, are your child’s most prominent advocate and best protector. So if there is more chaos than calm, and if you are having a hard time smothering fires, it’s time to reach for outside help. Help comes in all different ways. It can be a phone call to a trusted friend, an appointment with the school counselor, or a call to a professional therapist.

I know your palms may be sweating, and you may have a knot in your stomach at the thought of reaching out for help. You’d probably rather be watching New Girl than picking up the phone and make a call. Trust me, I’ve been there, but help is ok. It’s more than ok. It’s a gift to you and your child. As I learned through trial and error, outside help is the fire extinguisher solution.

This post originally appeared on www.jamieedelbrock.com.

Jamie is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful daughters. Through years of experience working with children, and raising her own, she knows how difficult parenting can be. She is an advocate for children's mental health and is best known for her creativity, optimism, and kind heart.

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4 Ways to Help Your Teen Daughter with Her Struggles & Stress Right Now

By Lindsay Sealey

In a recent Instagram poll, I asked this question: “Are you feeling stressed and anxious—now, more than ever”? 97% of teen respondents said, “YES”!

Am I surprised? No way. Am I curious what a teen girl’s world is like now that everything has changed? You bet.

I decided to ask more specific questions. To start, I queried about their body signs of stress.

They told me they are experiencing more headaches, stomachaches, tears, insomnia, and lethargy. I then asked about how they are coping. Most told me they are turning to their screens and some said they were trying to get outside more and be more active. Finally, I asked about what was causing the most stress. Girls told me their top three stressors: friendships (as in, not getting enough time to hang out and have fun), school (as in, how difficult it is to teach herself and stay engaged on Zoom or teams calls), and the future (as in, when will life get “back to normal” and what is summer and life going to be like).

At Bold New Girls, I have noticed a radical shift this year in girls’ energy (they are constantly fatigued), their enthusiasm (they really isn’t any), their moods (they are often sensitive at best, cantankerous at worst), and their mindsets (they are unable to hold a positive attitude about what’s working for them or going well).

Teen girls get my utmost empathy and compassion. Life is just tough right now. And, so are they! Your daughter is similarly struggling like these pollsters and she can become resilient by going through the tough stuff. Here are four ways you can help her with her mental health right now:

1. Look at her context. See her story and what’s been happening for her—at school, with her friends, and online. You may want to try asking more creative questions like, “I’d love to hear about your day today or how you are connecting online and in-person.” This helps you understand the “whole girl.”

2. Let her talk. Give her your undivided attention (putting down your phone and to-do list), the safe emotional space (assuring her this is her time to share, not yours), and the time to tell you what’s really on her mind (where neither of you watches the clock). This helps her unburden her concerns.

3. Listen. Don’t interrupt, interject, add on, problem solve, or minimize anything she says. Your job is to really hear her—both her words and the feelings behind her words—and “get” her in perhaps a new way. This helps her feel accepted.

4. Start as many sentences as you can with “Let’s try…”  Suggest what you can do together to cultivate her healthy and positive mindset. You could try a relaxing activity together such as stretching, yoga, or meditation. You could also plan a new activity or a little adventure that could offer you both a change of routine and scenery. This helps her feel she is not alone—you are right there with her—and you are on her side.

In the next Instagram poll, I am going to ask this question: “Are you getting the support you need and feeling more balanced!” I can’t wait to see improved results.

For more help raising teenage girls, check out Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Preteen Years and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready.

RELATED: When Your Teen Is Drowning in Their Mental Health Problems

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls and Brave New Boys teaching and coaching for girls, boys, and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

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11 Ways to Build Resiliency in Children

By Joy Turner

We’ve heard a lot about how resilient our children are and have been throughout this pandemic, and it’s true. But we also must remember that children, and adults, are not born resilient. Resiliency is a learned skill that requires constant practice.

When children experience a traumatic event, like this year-long pandemic, where they can’t see their friends, can’t hug grandparents, can’t celebrate birthdays and holidays, you may notice they get angry or act out, and that is because they need help regaining control and establishing a more positive mindset. Other behaviors you may see that indicate this need for control are hitting/biting, tantrums, becoming overly emotional, trying to escape or hiding.

If you start to notice your child exhibiting one or more of these behaviors, there are areas you, as a parent, can focus on to help them bounce back, maintain a positive attitude and cope with stress. Validating feelings, promoting quality relationships and interactions, and creating safe, secure environments, are all ways you can help your child flex their resiliency muscle.

The most important way to promote resiliency is by following a pathway of validating feelings and expressing understanding for what children are going through. It is important for them to know that we understand and care about how they’re feeling. Quality interactions and strong family relationships can help children identify their feelings. Even the youngest of children, who might not know the emotion they are feeling or be able to give it a name, can share how they feel through visuals or by reading a book about the feeling. It’s imperative to let children know that not only are they going to be safe and secure, but that these feelings are real and valid. The ability to identify those feelings is what leads to resiliency.

Additionally, creating a safe, secure environment for your children also helps build resiliency. During the pandemic, children have largely spent most of their time at home or at school/childcare, so focus on safety and security in both of those environments.

Here is a list of specific things you and your children can do at home and at school to help build resiliency:

1. Create a routine so they know what’s going to happen every day
2. Build visual schedules that show their routine via pictures so they see the events of their day.
3. Provide continuity of care for children
4. Make sure interactions with teachers, other children and at home are positive
5. Build and focus on those “how are you feeling” type questions
6. Validate your child’s feelings by helping them name the feelings and give them techniques for moving through those feelings
7. Establish cozy corners – a quiet place children can go when they’re having “big emotions”
8. Make a sensory bin of things they can touch, squeeze, look at etc.
9. Look in the mirror with your child so they can see their emotions
10. Set up “mindful minutes” to practice breathing exercises, empathy exercises, discuss book recommendations and other activities found at our Facebook page
11. Seek help if you are a parent or caregiver who demonstrates loss of control of your emotions and actions in response to stress – children pick up on how people around them react

Resilience is the foundation of a child’s mental health, confidence, self-regulation, stress management and response to difficult events. We all want our children to feel and be resilient so that they can go grow stronger, even through an event like the pandemic!

Joy has over 20 years of experience in early childhood education. As Vice President of Education at Kiddie Academy Educational Child Care, she oversees all things curriculum, assessment, training and more. Joy earned a B.S. in Education from Salisbury University.

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What Is Month of the Military Child?

By Caitlyn Viviano

It is no secret that military men and women sacrifice a tremendous amount for our country and our freedom. Army, Navy, Air force, Marines, Coastguard, National Guard, all have a unique mission, but make sacrifices some cannot even fathom.

Their children however never even signed up for this life but make daily sacrifices as well and deserve to be recognized. April is Month of the Military Child! We proudly celebrate this month in our household because my children are military children. They have had to be resilient beyond their years at times and have risen to the occasion and overcome many challenges in their short life.

They have lived in three states in the past five years, gone a full year without their Dad at home, and just recently have been told they will be leaving Columbia and moving again this summer. They were not too happy about that and kept asking “Why?” The “Why” is because their Dad is in the military and unfortunately we have very little say in where we live; something that gets increasingly more challenging as kids get older.

My children made it very clear they love where we live. They love their school, friends, and neighborhood and they don’t want to move. Sadly it’s just part of military life and I would be lying if I said all of the upcoming changes didn’t keep me up at night. My kids don’t get to have that consistency other kids may have and that is very difficult. I moved around a lot growing up as well so I can relate to these big feelings. Having to start over in a new state is difficult at any age. The unknown can be scary. But if there’s one thing military children are—it is resilient!

They learn from a very young age that plans can change at any time and they have to make the best of an otherwise tough situation. When the military calls, their parent may leave for a few weeks, months, or even a year. So many feelings and emotions surround being a military family and I teach my children that it is healthy to talk about the struggles and to find others who can relate. Reaching out and finding other military children with similar experiences can be the biggest blessing in not feeling so alone on this journey.

There are of course so many positives to being a military child. For starters, my children get to live in many different places and see different parts of the country they otherwise would not even know existed. They have recently also learned about F16s up close and even sat in the cockpit during a special family day on base. This is a unique experience and one they will cherish for years to come.

As they get older my children are becoming more aware of the unique sacrifices their Dad makes and have great pride in what he does. They admire and look up to him and other men and women in uniform. He is their hero and I hope they grow up with a sense of pride and honor in being a military child. So this month and every month let’s celebrate the thousands of brave military children across the globe and the important role they play in our communities.

Caitlyn is a military spouse and mom to three children and one fur baby. She was an elementary school counselor before becoming a stay at home who enjoys coffee, hiking, and playing in the dirt with her kids. 

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These Amazing Moms Are Sharing Just How Tough Moms Are

by Kenzie Kramer
Partner Content

We’ve always known parents were tough, but the last year has shown everyone just how resilient they truly are! To celebrate the remarkable power of moms, we’ve teamed up with Once Upon a Farm, an organic children’s nutrition company co-founded by Jennifer Garner, for our A Better Story Starts Here Contest. We’ve already heard about some amazing moms—meet a few of them below!

Meet the remarkable moms who are the winners of our A Better Story Starts Here contest!

Jacqui Saldaña is an LA-based mom of two. Along with raising tiny humans, Jacqui is a blogger and recipe developer who writes about everything from Lemon Pancakes to teaching kids about bias.

 

Meet the remarkable moms who are the winners of our A Better Story Starts Here contest!

 

Malika Pham is a mom of three who uses her platform to speak candidly about her experiences as a Black Muslim woman and as a mother. “Motherhood is messy, challenging, exhausting, and a flat out trip,” says Yasmin.

 

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A post shared by Heather Brooker (@theheatherbrooker)

Heather Brooker is an actress/journalist/comedian/mom in Los Angeles. Like most moms, the pandemic has taken its toll on Brooker, but she’s chosen to see the silver linings: “While this past year has been beyond challenging, I wouldn’t trade it for anything,” she says.

Meet the remarkable moms who are the winners of our A Better Story Starts Here contest!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Leteshia (@mamaonawhim)

Atlanta-based mom of two Leteshia Weaver knows what it means to be tough as a mother. After facing milk protein allergies, eczema and the lack of sleep, she’s kept a can-do attitude. “Through all of that, I have only become stronger and I’m always ready for whatever life may throw my way!” she says.

 

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A post shared by Tara Rosa (@livingrosa)

Tara Rosa is a mom of four who has spent the last year navigating motherhood, distance learning and having her newborn spend time in the NICU. “Motherhood is both beautiful and really hard,” says Rosa.

Meet the remarkable moms who are the winners of our A Better Story Starts Here contest!

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Let’s Be Honest, Kids Take a Toll on Marriage

By Lisa Aihara

When I was in my late 20s, the first batch of my friends started to have kids. I visited one of my college friends to meet their new baby—we chatted about our good ‘ole days, gave each other some status updates, and I just giddily flitted over baby even though I was scared to hold him. During this hangout, my friend said something that really stuck with me. While recounting to me the early days with baby and the challenges that ensued in a comical, light-hearted manner, she also mentioned that she and her husband started to fight more and that the baby, “Really took a toll on our marriage.”

I had been with my now-husband for nearly a decade at that point, and like many high school sweethearts, we had had our biggest fights during our hormone-raged youth and had settled into a routine by then. We knew each other well and had learned how to avoid a fight before it even started. So when I heard this from my friend, I remember thinking that it was such a sad thing to say and even vowed (as many dumb childless people do) that I wouldn’t let that happen to MY marriage when I had children.

What I didn’t realize then is that I would owe my friend an apology for having missed the point completely on this statement that is so honest and vulnerable and 1000% true. So if you’re reading this, I am so sorry for not understanding until now how freaking amazing you were to have shared this with me, and I want you to know that having heard this probably saved my marriage.

To the naive and idiotic mind of a know-it-all childless dump, the admission of their marital hardship sounded like a sad, deflated white flag to say that the relationship could not overcome this new chapter in their life. But the truth is, if you have children and it *doesn’t* take a toll on your marriage, you might be doing it wrong. Of course, there are those shiny rainbow couples who take every new stage with stride, love, patience, and sweet cuddles…and those guys can just leave this conversation. My husband and I, despite having been together for such a long time, were not and never will be that couple—and I imagine most of us fall out of that unicorn camp.

Having children changes you. Remember before we had kids and someone asked us if we wanted one, we would say something along the line of “Yeah one day, but for now, I enjoy ‘X’ too much,” filled in with things that we knew from all the clichés that babies take away: going out, spending an obscene amount of money on frivolous things, etc., things we felt we weren’t ready to give up. I always thought that I had to be ready to give these things up voluntarily to be “qualified” to have kids.

But that wasn’t it at all. When baby came I didn’t *want* to go out, sleep in, spend money, or eat fast food the way I used to, because the moment that the nurse plopped that cottage-cheese-covered red monkey of a baby on my chest was…to say it conservatively, a transformation. The person I used to be, the things I used to enjoy, even the things that I thought were hills I’d die on, all became insignificant and dull compared to this person I just made and have been endowed with. Call it hormones, even call it brainwashing. Whatever it was, it completely and permanently altered my very being. Sound frightening? It really really was.

So imagine, while this is happening to me as I pushed out a human that I baked from scratch—the same thing is happening to my husband, who I’ve known since I was 17. And I see him crying and laughing as this baby is peeing on him. And if you know my husband, you will say “He CRIED?” because it’s that surprising. And I didn’t know it then, but it was also a sign that some stuff was about to go down.

We fought so much those early days. My husband was lucky enough to have gotten a 6-week paternity leave, which was amazing because he got to bond with our son, but it probably also contributed to a lot of the fights because he was in the trenches with me. He knew about the bad latch, the sleeping and feeding schedules…and for the first time in our relationship, we both had something that we equally cared so deeply about that we were willing to put anything on the line for it—even our relationship. Up until that point, we were each other’s top priority. That shift was wild. And don’t forget, we’re not even the same people anymore, so the strategies and techniques that we had previously learned meant nothing. The baby was a wrecking ball, naked Miley Cyrus and all, who came in and totally demolished everything that we’ve built up as a couple. Now we had to try to rebuild it, while keeping a baby alive, which meant we had to do it with zero time and zero sleep. I wonder why we had so many problems? (ha!)

So yes, our kid took a toll on our marriage. But because of that, it forced us to build something in the aftermath that’s more resilient and deeply rooted in our being. We had to, or else we wouldn’t have survived. I now understand that having a kid to save a marriage would never work because it’s the absolute opposite—a kid is going to tear you up into shreds so small that you won’t want to pick those pieces back up to put it back together unless your marriage is worth saving. And you know what, I think that’s totally okay. The truth is, anything worth fighting for, there will be fighting for it. And I think we can all agree that our kids are worth the fight.

Lisa Aihara is a writer and artist based in Los Angeles. When she's not busy keeping her toddler alive, she's growing another human and has no time for any BS. For an honest, practical take on motherhood, relationships, and just life's struggles through comics and stories, follow her on Instagram and her Blog.

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Helping Our Children Cope with Crazy

By Heather Morris

Our house is in shambles.

Walls have been knocked down, studs revealed, old wiring uncovered. The mysterious pipe in the pantry, well, turns out that is a gas line. “We wondered about that,” I laugh with my contractors as we pivot to deal with the house’s secrets now laid bare.

We are renovating and adding on, squeezing our family of five (plus two pets) into an even smaller footprint for a time. A little over a year ago, we lounged in 2500 square feet; now, we are getting along just fine in about 1000. Though I’ll admit, I am quite grateful for in-person learning and my husband’s special dispensation to work in the office. Still, I marvel at the ability of humans to adapt. Perhaps we don’t need all that we think we need?

Our refrigerator is within reach of the person seated at the end of the dining table. “Pass the butter” has taken on a whole new meaning. Our main walkway involves squeezing between people hunched over their plastic bowls and spoons and the piano that is wedged under the window. Our cat thinks the new construction is his personal playground. Our dog has made friends with all of the specialty subcontractors, from the electricians to the framing crew.

All this discomfort, inconvenience, and mess makes me oddly excited. You see, I know what is coming in a few months. A more spacious, comfortable, well-planned home for our family, where we can welcome friends and neighbors. I find it shockingly easy to smile and laugh at the chaos and noise because I know what lies ahead.

Our children are surrounded by inconvenience. Their possessions are in storage. Two are sharing a room. No one, including myself, really knows where anything is right now. Plastic tarps are hanging everywhere, so we “zipper” through from one space to the next. We are crowded, cramped, crazy. Our life is under construction, and at times, it is difficult. Nothing is easy. But my husband and I continually remind them of the end goal—a new, shining, spacious home.

We are giving them hope. Reconstruction and demolition and rebuilding and renovation are hard work. None of those are comfortable to live through. I know…that’s what I’m living through now. This past year has been full of destruction and chaos, and it is impossible to see some shining goal at the end of all of this. But our home renovation has given my husband and me the opportunity to show our children that something good and lovely can come out of chaos.

There has been much talk of our children being “resilient” after this year. Perhaps. If we mean that they will be able to understand that life is hard. It is full of suffering and pain and the unpredictable. If we mean that we are not in control like we tend to think we are. If we mean that our choices still matter, that beauty can emerge from ashes, that there is hope.

Scientist by training, lover of books and writing and learning by nature. Wife to a talented husband, mom of three children. Proud to call the Rocket City home (Huntsville, Alabama). Pursuing my love of creative writing by writing about everything from school buses to the latest in pandemic schooling.

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My Spectrum Superhero

By Shannon Gainey

su·per·he·ro /ˈso͞opərˌhirō/ noun A benevolent fictional character with superhuman powers, such as Superman

The word Superhero is a common word used in our house these days. My son has developed a love and often fixates on “superheroes” from Batman, Green Lantern, Spider-Man, Captain America, and more. And for those of you with loved one’s on the spectrum, you understand when I say that love runs deep!

He often needs his superheroes as a token during transitional times… from the house to the car…from the car to school. Bedtime sometimes isn’t a reality until LEGO Batman has been found and is safely in his hands, tucked into bed with him. I looked at the definition of “superhero”  and I got caught on one word, “fictional.”

In my son’s world, superhero’s aren’t fictional. They are very much a living, breathing part of his reality. So much so, that the absence of them can send our world spinning. Their very presence can make a stressful situation of transition easier and in the same breath, with one quick flip, they can add more stress with their absence. And at the moment, there is nothing fictional about our present reality and daily struggles with autism. Calm to upset…happy to sad..content to active.

But, I can’t help but think to myself “How does this superhuman navigate all these emotions and still smile at my silly jokes?”  Still willing to trust me when I get frustrated and raise my voice in the midst of a meltdown? Still continue to wake up with a clean slate, ready to love and start the day, no matter how traumatic bedtime was the night before?

And then I go back to that word, “fictional.” Because now I realize superheroes aren’t just a reality in his world, they are a reality in mine as well. In my world, there lives the strongest, most benevolent superhero of all. He embodies all the characteristics of what describes a superhero—brave, strong, resilient, and admirable. He is someone I look up to every day. He inspires me more than any other person in the world. He is superhuman. And most importantly, no part of him or autism ever has or ever will be viewed as fictional. I have a real-life superhero in our house and he goes by the name, Murphy. And he has already saved me in so many ways.

 

This post originally appeared on Adventures in Autism with Murphy.

Shannon is a proud boy mom, Hairstylist, and passionate Autism Advocate. She lives in New Orleans, Louisiana with her two sons Murphy (5) and Merrick (2).  Murphy was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3. Follow her family as they journey through Autism together on Adventures in Autism with Murphy Facebook and Instagram page. 

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Dear Kids, I Hope You Never Thank Me for This

By Melanie Forstall

Photo: Melanie Forstall

I recently saw a young teen publicly thank his parents on social media. It wasn’t a generic, thanks-for-all-that-you-do, kind of post. This one stopped me in my tracks. This specific nod to the parents was, “Thank you for giving me everything I want.”

My first few thoughts lingered around the possibility that this was a status symbol of sorts, enjoyed by everyone involved with giving this child everything he wanted. It rang similar to the current requirement on social media that families need to be super busy. If families today aren’t completely overscheduled, their status is somehow less than. I guess, maybe, if a parent gives a child everything he or she wants, somehow that raises their false status, too?

My husband and I are far less concerned with status, and way more concerned with raising kind, happy kids who will hopefully grow up to be emotionally resilient adults. Probably why this post stood out to me. Neither of us want to give our kids everything they want.

Our kids are talented swimmers. Our daughter, specifically is not only talented, she’s also a very hard worker. She’s willing to practice as much as she needs to remain a strong competitor as well as be a valued member of her team. As a middle schooler, she sets personal goals and works hard to reach them.

This season, her goal was to swim the individual medley (IM). This is a tough race: 100 yards, 1 lap of each stroke, a total of 4 laps. Her goal was to swim it competitively under 2 minutes. After a few weeks of practice, she swam it and exceeded her goal. Next, she set her sights on the championship meet at the end of the month. Before that though, she wanted one more race experience so she requested her coaches pace her in the IM for the next meet.

The day arrived for the meet placements and she was left out of the IM. She looked a bit worried, so I encouraged her to go and talk with her coaches. She did and to her dismay, she was, in fact, left out of the race. I asked her coaches if she could be added to the race, but it was too late. She held back tears but forged ahead and jumped into the pool for practice.

It was a mistake. Her coaches are human and they make mistakes, too.

Her disappointment was compounded for several reasons. Her biggest competition was not going to be at this next meet, giving her a strong possibility of winning the race. Her best friend was going to be there. She wanted one more race experience before the championship meet. She folded under the layers of disappointment and began to cry as soon as we got into the car.

I could have made a phone call. My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests. I probably could have called the board of directors and caused a scene to get my child added back into the race she so desperately wanted to swim. We could have caused a lot of people to do a lot of extra work to make my child happy. I could have gone to extreme lengths to give my child everything she wanted.

Have you seen that quote that encourages you to drink plenty of water and gets lots of sun? Good advice for us because we are essentially houseplants with complex emotions. How in the world can we expect our children to learn how to deal with complex emotions if we never allow them to experience them?

My husband and I could have made unreasonable requests in an effort to relieve our daughter from feeling complex emotions. But how would that have served her in the long run? Sure, it was hard for her but we all have to learn how to deal with disappointment. We have to learn how to accept the fact that people we love mistakes. We have to learn how to accept the fact that not everything in life will go our way.

The one thing I hope my kids never thank me for—giving them everything they want.

As humans, we are hard-wired to struggle. It’s not my job as a parent to keep my kids from ever having to struggle. Instead, it’s our job as parents to give them the tools to properly deal with the struggle.

After having time to be sad and disappointed, we talked with our daughter about what she ultimately wanted. We couldn’t change the circumstances, but it was worth at least exploring what she could personally get out of the situation; what it would take to get a positive outcome from this experience.

We talked with her coaches and after giving it some thought, she agreed to swim the event as an unofficial swimmer. That meant, her times wouldn’t count and she wouldn’t score any points. She couldn’t officially win, even if she technically did. She’d still get the opportunity to have another race experience.

It was a wasn’t everything she wanted.

She was able to live through the disappointment and still see the upside. She was able to accept the reality but still find the positive. She didn’t throw away the experience because it wasn’t perfect.

My job as a parent is not to keep my kids happy. Let’s face it, of all the emotions we have, happy is easy. Our kids do not need practice with being happy.  They do need to be prepared to face disappointment, sadness, and anger.  They need experience in extending the same grace to others that they would want in return. They also need practice in accepting situations for that what they are without  expectations for us to swoop in and fix it.

I hope my kids are grateful for all of the things we do for them, but for many reasons more importantly, I hope they are thankful for the things that we didn’t do.

Melanie Forstall is a full-time mother, full-time wife, full-time teacher, and never-enough-time blogger at Melanie Forstall: Stories of Life, Love, and Mothering. She holds a doctorate in education and yet those many years of schooling have proved to be utterly useless when it comes to actual mothering.

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6 Books About Motherhood that Aren’t All About Motherhood

by #MomLife

 

Whitney Popa

Whitney Popa is a Communications Consultant and mom of two toddlers. She lives where the mountains meet the sea right outside of Seattle. Her goal this year is to read 35 books.

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I am a lifetime reader. The ritual of crawling into bed, opening a book, and feeling my eyes get heavy is the only way I can fall asleep. Books have given me a safe place to land when the world feels too heavy, they’ve taken me to new worlds, and they’ve taught me pretty much anything I could dream of learning. I love the smell of them, the weight of them, the artistry of them. Drop me off at a library or bookstore and I’d give you barely a glace over my shoulder as I run inside to #learnallthethings. It should come as no surprise, then, that I majored in English.

But I don’t love just books. I love SO many mediums: magazines, podcasts, social media, terrible and delicious reality TV shows. When those things started getting in the way of my books, I decided it was time to start forcing myself to give my books the attention they deserved, so I gave myself a measurable yearly reading goal. This is my fourth year actively measuring myself against a book number. It’s also my fourth year as a mommy.

When I started my yearly reading goals, I was mostly resistant to “parenting” books because I, like many new mothers, had so many people providing unsolicited commentary on my body, my baby, his body, and our assumed parenting choices. My book time was precious—I didn’t want it invaded with more big, unsolicited opinions. I was careful about what I picked up and added to my stack. I wanted my books to entertain or educate me. I was even more excited if they did both. So, when it comes to reading about motherhood, I’m looking for relatable stories, science that validates the universal mommy experience, and a general sense that I’m not alone.

This list is the output of reading more than 100 books over the past four years. I hope they make you feel seen, celebrated, and perfect just as you are, wherever you are on your path in parenthood. They are highly feminist and written by women I admire. Motherhood is messy and it’s beautiful and I’m so happy I get to share it with you.

If this list resonates with you, I track my favorite books in real time here. I’d love to chat about them with you.

1

Like a Mother by Angela Garbes

Ever wondered how and why your body grows an entire new organ to support your baby? From breast milk to wine intake and everything in between, Angela is your girl.

$18

Current motherhood culture is a constant barrage of information and opinions, often unsolicited. This book, written by a food and culture columnist in Seattle, marries science-based research with personal memoir and deep curiosity. I found it fascinating and validating and unabashedly feminist. If you were ever curious about things like how breast milk changes to give your baby the EXACT nutrients he/she needs, how any type of birth is a natural birth (medically intervened or otherwise), or how medicine needs to catch up with women's health, this is the book for you.

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2

This Is How It Always Is: A Novel by Laurie Frankel

What do you do when your son becomes your daughter?

$12

Our children tell us who they are from the moment they start growing in our bellies. I am a firm believer in listening. This story of a family of four children born male, with one who transitions to female, is full of nuance, heart, and complexity. Written by an author raising a trans daughter, it is uniquely relevant reading for today's cultural moment.

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3

Dear Girls by Ali Wong

An absolutely hilarious look at life and motherhood from one of the country's hottest comediennes.

$24

Ali Wong has LIVED and she's telling her girls all about it in a series of letters that are laugh-out-loud funny. This is an easy read full of stories from Ali's past and mis-adventures parenting in the present. If you've ever changed a blow out in a parking lot while wearing a post-partum pad, you'll love this book.

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4

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Two vastly different approaches to motherhood in the same small town.

$11

There is no right way to be a mother, but there is always common ground in motherhood. This book weaves two worlds together—one of extreme privilege and one with much less. Big, big questions are explored here: how do race and privilege collide? Is motherhood by blood or by bond? How much does our past inform our futures? It is beautiful and mesmerizing and it will make you think differently about more than just motherhood.

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5

Grit by Angela Duckworth

How do we raise resilient kids?

$10

Raising resilient kids isn't the whole premise of this book, but it's an important part of it. I loved Angela's personal anecdotes, along with the challenge she's given each of her family members: to pick something hard every year and stick with it. This book is a good reminder that some of us are born grittier than others, but that persistence can be practiced and cultivated.

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6

Ordinary Insanity by Sarah Menkedick

You're not crazy. You're a mother.

$22

This is probably THE most validating book I've read on motherhood. It explores maternal health, especially post-partum and all things related to PPA and PPD, which is a big spectrum that most doctors don't understand how to diagnose, support, or appropriately treat. Prepare for it to make you feel seen and for it to make you a little angry. It's also a strong reminder that we are our own best advocates.

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