ML Interest Tag: spectrum

How to Teach Your Kids to Be Inclusive

By Jennifer Landis

The importance of inclusivity has never been more prominent in our society, and it’s vital to instill values of kind practices in your child. No matter their age, it’s never too late or too early to start building a more inclusive life. Your child can grow up and become an informed member of a healthy functioning community, and you can guide them there.

Everyone has differences, and acknowledging and working with them is part of building a society where everyone feels welcome. As much as we’d like to think so, inclusion isn’t always an instinct. People often tend to gravitate toward those who remind them of themselves, but this doesn’t mean inclusivity isn’t a beneficial value worth teaching. In fact, it’s one of the most important ones out there.

1. Don’t Ignore Differences. It may be our first instinct to simply focus on how we’re all just humans. While this can encourage people to feel more like a unit, ignoring differences in religion, race, ability level and other markers of identity can make people feel like they’re not being seen. This isn’t inclusion. In fact, ignoring the needs and experiences of others that aren’t like you can prevent them from accessing the consideration, care, and accessibility measures they need on a larger scale.

Equality requires more critical thought than deciding to treat everyone the same and be done with it. People have different needs and experiences. Acceptance is about learning about one another’s cultures and not ignoring them. It’s about offering the religious accommodations people need, striving for accessibility, and listening to others when they request accommodations. 

To open your kids to this, talk honestly and openly about differences. Answer questions and learn together so they can grow into members of a thriving, diverse community.

2. Find Common Ground. It’s vital to acknowledge and learn about our differences, of course, but it can also be important to find similarities and common ground. It’s all about balance. For kids, fun activities and play are great ways to bring people together and achieve a natural flow of commonalities. Interacting with children in their circle can go a long way. Putting them in environments that are inclusive of everyone and advocating for the presence of those spaces can help achieve this.

Inclusive playgrounds, classes, libraries, and parks are fantastic places to take your child and their friends. Finding environments that offer multiple levels of play, group activities for everyone, and adequate space for those who require it can encourage children to feel comfortable and at ease there. Pushing for those qualities in new or existing areas can also help.

3. Use Content to Educate. The power of books, stories, and film can go a long way. What a child experiences in the media they consume will help shape their view of the world, so it’s important to expose them to a variety of things. If all they see are people who look just like them, that’s what the world will always seem like. In the early years, seeing a spectrum of different people can help shape your child’s worldview for the better.

Watching shows and movies with diverse casts is a great place to start. You can also turn to the power of reading. There is a wide array of inclusive books for kids of all ages. While this isn’t the only important part of raising your child in the spirit of inclusivity, it’s definitely a good practice.

4. Model Inclusivity in Your Own Life. Children observe what their parents are doing. They want to be like mom and dad, which is why it’s especially important to lead by setting an example. Modeling inclusivity by participating in circles and environments with people of all walks of life can set a good example for your child and establish a precedent for their sense of normal. When you have a wide circle of friends who accommodate one another, your child will see that and run with it.

5. Encourage Advocacy. One big part of raising your child with the spirit of inclusivity is encouraging them to stand up for those who need it. This is what good citizenship and friendship are all about—being there for others and helping them meet their needs. Teach them that standing up for others can be hard at times, but it’s worse to be targeted unfairly for something you can’t change. Standing up for others is part of being in a community, whether it’s their playground, friend group, or school.

Raising a child to be inclusive often requires thought and intention. A little effort on your part will go a long way. They will grow up to be a more engaged citizen, a well-rounded person, a better friend, and a compassionate future member of society.

 

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger. She enjoys long naps on the couch, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter when her kid's not looking, and binge watching Doctor Who while her kid's asleep.  She really does like her kid, though, she promises. Find her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

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Cheez-It and House Wine Box Returns with a New Pairing

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Don’t miss out! Just in time to celebrate National Wine and Cheese Day, the Cheez-It and Wine box that had everyone buzzing last year is back This year’s limited-edition box offers a brand-new, summer-ready combination, Cheez-It White Cheddar & House Wine Rosé.

Made with 100% real cheese, Cheez-It White Cheddar crackers pair perfectly with the crisp, refreshing flavor of House Wine rosé all in one convenient package.

With its light crisp flavor rosé is the ideal beverage for summer. Cheesy White Cheddar Cheez-It crackers is the perfect accompaniment for a socially distant happy hour or cozy evening on the couch watching television. 

Cheez-It and Wine box

“Following the success of our first edition of Cheez-It and Wine, which sold out in minutes, we knew we had to bring the partnership back this summer with a new flavor pairing,” said Jeff Delonis, Senior Director of Marketing for Cheez-It. “White Cheddar is a long-standing favorite of Cheez-It fans and what better match than light, refreshing rosé? Not only does it perfectly complement the cheesy goodness, it’s also the unofficial wine of summer!”

Limited-Edition Cheez-It White Cheddar & House Wine Rosé will be available online for $29.99 at OriginalHouseWine.com beginning at 2 p.m. ET on Jul. 23, 2020, while supplies last. 

“Similar to the many varieties of Cheez-It, our wines run the full spectrum of flavor,” said Hal Landvoigt, winemaker for House Wine. “We’ve seen rosé skyrocket in popularity over the past few years, especially during the warm summer season. For the second year of this partnership, we knew the pairing had to feature rosé as the perfect complement to the real-cheese flavor in Cheez-It White Cheddar.”

Be sure to grab one before they run out.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of Original House Wine

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Pandemic Parenting: Things Are Not Okay and It’s about to Get Worse

By Rachel Kim

What do you do when things can’t be equal? This is a question many dual-income households are currently grappling with.

In my own household, which has been built on equality–both my husband and I are senior leaders within our respective companies–this question is hitting me particularly hard. The amount of anxiety, uncertainty, and plans going into the next school year seems to have disproportionately hit moms. Indeed, research shows in dual-income households, women shoulder more of these household burdens. Anecdotal evidence from my mom groups, group chats, and emails that have circulated further this thesis: as working men continue business as usual, women everywhere are trying to figure out what the heck we’re going to do when the school year starts.

In California, Governor Gavin Newsom has just announced a virtual start to the year. And with COVID-19 cases across most of the country increasing, we are all bracing for a year where parents will be called upon to be the primary educator and facilitator of distance learning. And when I say parents, I mean mothers. Working mothers in particular who have already battled the emotional toll of returning to work after maternity leaves, pumping on conference calls, finding ways to FedEx breast milk to babies while on work trips and countless microaggressions that keep us in secondary positions in the workplace will be left disadvantaged yet again.

To be clear, I’m not just talking about professional, white-collar women either. Data shows this is impacting women across the entire spectrum. A recent study shows a disproportionate number of female hourly workers cite childcare as their main barrier to going back to work right now.

But what are the solutions? Flexible work arrangements? We’ve tried that for months. We’re exhausted and burnt out. We’ve blocked our calendars, worked into the night or woken up early, we’ve done it all in the name of ‘making it work.’ The harsh reality is even with the most flexible work schedules, it will not solve the fundamental issue here—we cannot be called upon to give it our all at work all while being childcare providers, nurturers, cooks, and educators to our own children simultaneously. Even as expert jugglers, at some point there are simply too many balls in the air to manage.

I want to tie this all up in a bow, to provide some uplifting message or idea that will solve our 2020-2021 school year problems, but it doesn’t seem possible. The number of women that will either elect or be forced to leave the workforce, or need to ask for part-time time arrangements will set back an entire generation of women who have been trying desperately to break the glass ceiling for decades.

So what can we do? First, I’d like to go back to the initial point that this will disproportionately impact mothers. Male colleagues, do me a favor, don’t just outsource this task to your wife, get involved, and help advocate for your female colleagues. For example, employers could consider offering more job-sharing arrangements for moms, or policymakers could create paid “education leave” similar to maternity leave to let parents take time off away from the office to focus on schooling.

A mom can dream for creative solutions, but given how little our own President seem to care about this issue, I implore colleagues who do not have children to step up, ask your coworkers who are parents how you can help take some of their workload, so they can stay in the workforce.  Otherwise, all of these years of fighting for equality will be wiped away in a matter of months.

Rachel is a mother to two boys, Eli (4) and Logan (2). She has a decade of marketing experience and is a cum laude graduate of the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University and has an MBA from Harvard Business School. 

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Curious about Montessori Education? Start Here

By Simone Davies

If you’ve ever wondered what exactly is a Montessori education and whether or not it might be a good fit for you and your child, Simone Davies, a certified Montessori educator and blogger of The Montessori Notebook and author of “The Montessori Toddler” (and mother of two!), helps parents understand and incorporate the Montessori method into their home and daily life.

What is Montessori education?

“Montessori education is an alternative education where the child learns on their own individual timeline. Looking around a Montessori classroom, there will be children working on different subjects, some working alone, some in pairs or small groups at tables or stretched out on mats on the floor. 

The classrooms are mixed-age where older children can help younger children and younger children can learn from watching older children. There is a rich curriculum in all learning areas using tactile materials that are beautifully displayed on the shelf. And the teacher acts as a guide, giving children lessons individually or in small groups where they are up to.”

How is the Montessori method different from other parenting methods? 

“I like to think of parenting methods along a spectrum from authoritarian methods of parenting (where the parent tells the child everything they need to do) to laissez-faire parenting (where the child is allowed to do anything they like). 

A Montessori approach to parenting falls somewhere in the middle of this spectrum—there is freedom for the child to explore and make discoveries for themselves within limits so that they learn to also grow up as a member of society taking responsibility for their actions. It involves mutual respect between the child and parent as in positive discipline or gentle parenting but goes further to help parents see how their child learns, how they can set up their home for the child to be part of the family, and how the parent can also look after themselves so they can bring the joy back to parenting.”

What’s the first activity you recommend a parent do as an introduction to the Montessori method? 

“There are many ways to start to include Montessori in the home. For me, I started with setting up Montessori activities for my children and noticed how engaged they were. Then I moved on to incorporating Montessori principles in every area of my home so that they could be involved in everything from hanging up their own coat when we arrived home to helping with meal preparation. The final piece that took a lot of practice for me was learning to slow down to their pace most of the time, seeing from their perspective and finding ways to work with them to get their cooperation, to learn to observe my children as their unique selves (not comparing them to others or my own childhood), and to parent in a kind and clear way.”

Most people find toddlerhood to be the most difficult age, they call it “the terrible twos” for a reason—but you say that toddlers are your favorite age group. Why?   

“Yes, whilst many people see their behavior as frustrating, I love being with toddlers. They are so authentic—they have no judgment about anything around them. They learn so easily. Dr Montessori referred to the absorbent mind to describe how they absorb language, culture, attitudes, and everything around them with little effort like a sponge. Their moods change easily, so once they may have had a tantrum and calmed down, they easily go back to being their delightful selves (unlike adults who can stay in a bad mood all day). They are so capable and love to be involved in what we are doing—when their spaces are set up for them and we slow down, children as young as 1 year old take delight in helping to bring laundry to the hamper, being involved in meal preparation and setting the table, and learning to take care of their things. And they live in the present moment—they will spot the weeds growing up between some pavers or hear a fire engine blocks away. They show how simple life can be.”

You claim that toddlers are misunderstood. Why and what are some crucial things that we all need to learn about them?  

“Adults get frustrated that the toddler won’t sit still, keep saying “no”, or won’t listen. What we need to learn is that toddlers need to move and want to explore the world around them. They are also learning to be independent of their parents, so learning to say “no” is a way of trying out more autonomy. 

Toddlers also are still developing their impulse control (their pre-frontal cortex will still be developing until the into their early 20s), meaning that it is the adult’s job to keep everyone safe in a kind and clear way. We also think that toddlers are giving us a hard time. Really in these moments they are having a hard time and need us to be on their team to help them calm down and once they are calm to gently guide them to make amends if needed.”

Threatening and bribing are common approaches that parents of toddlers resort to. You say there is another way?  

“In the Montessori approach, we see that threatening, bribing, and punishments are all extrinsic motivation—it is the adult that needs to do something to get the child to cooperate. A child may cooperate so they don’t get in trouble or so that they receive a reward. However, they are not learning to act for themselves and develop self-discipline. Instead of threats and bribes, another way to get cooperation is find ways to work with them in a respectful way. For example, when they need to get dressed, we can:

  • Give them (limited) choices about what they’d like to wear so they feel involved.
  • Have a checklist hanging up that we’ve made together of the things that need to be done to leave the house.
  • Set up our home so they can find everything they need at the ready.
  • Learn to talk in a way that helps us be heard (for example, instead of nagging, using fewer words or using actions instead of words)
  • Allow time for them to try to dress themselves
  • Break things down into small parts to teach them skills for them to be successful in this. Over time they are then capable of getting dressed all by themselves, without having used or needing to use threats or bribes.”

In The Montessori Toddler, you discuss setting up a “yes” space for children to explore. What is that and what are the benefits? 

“When children hear ‘no’, ‘don’t touch that’, ‘be careful’ all the time, they start to ignore us. So instead of having to say no all the time, we can look at our home and make it a space that is safe and engaging for them to explore without us having to constantly correct them—a ‘yes’ space. Even if we cannot make the whole house a ‘yes’ space, I encourage families to set up a large area where both the adults and child know it is safe to play and explore. I like to sit on the ground to see what the space looks like from their height—then you can see if there are any tempting cords, power outlets or things that you simply don’t want them to touch (like television controls or buttons) and remove them or make them inaccessible. Both the adult and the child then can relax and enjoy their ‘yes’ space.”

What positive attributes have you observed in children that you would credit to the Montessori method? 

“Montessori children learn that if they don’t know something, they can find it out. For example, they can look it up in a book, ask an older child in the class, their teacher or parent, visit someone in their community that may know more about the topic, or do an experiment. So Montessori children are very resourceful and love to find ways to solve problems. Famously, the Google founders went to a Montessori school and credit part of their success to this ability to think for themselves.

Montessori children love learning. Rather than following the timeline of the teacher, each child learns at their unique pace, following their unique interests and abilities. A teacher or older child in the class can support them in areas they find difficult, and they become remarkably self- motivated learners. The love of learning is not stomped out of them by passively learning or rote learning facts. They make discoveries using concrete materials with their hands. A valuable way to learn.

Montessori children learn to care for themselves, others, and their environment. Whilst there is a strong academic curriculum for learning maths, language, humanities, etc, there are also many soft skills that Montessori children learn. To wait their turn, to look after their environment (for example, watering plants or cleaning up a spill), to learn to blow their nose, or care for a friend who has been hurt. It is heart-warming to see the children help each other, for example, children helping a friend who has spilled their activity on the floor, or coming over with a tissue to a child who is sad.”

Your book focuses on toddlers, but can the Montessori principles be applied to older children. If so, what age range would you recommend and why? 

“The Montessori principles can be applied to any age child, teenager, and even with other adults. It’s a respectful way to be with others. I suggest starting as early as possible so that you can practice the ideas as your children grow. The solid foundation built in the first years built gives a solid base as the children get older. So it’s never too young or too old to start.”

The Montessori Toddler primarily addresses parents of toddlers, but can grandparents and caregivers apply the Montessori techniques mentioned in the book?  

“Absolutely. There is a chapter of the book about working with our extended family (grandparents and caregivers) and how they can also include these principles with our children. For example, when they spend .me with our children to share their special skills and interests and finding a positive way for parents to work together with this extended family.”

SIMONE DAVIES is an Association Montessori Internationale Montessori teacher. Born in Australia, she lives in Amsterdam where she runs parent-child Montessori classes at Jacaranda Tree Montessori. Author of the popular blog and Instagram, The Montessori Notebook, where she gives tips, answers questions, and provides online workshops for parents around the world.

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Finding Joy and Humor in Raising a Child on the Spectrum

By Carol Tatom

Photo: iStock

Raising a child on the spectrum is not easy. It comes with higher demands of care and time than other children. Believe me, I know! I have four children ranging in ages from eight to 17. My youngest daughter has PDD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, a moderate form of Autism.

She is higher functioning and very smart. She also lacks impulse control, and with that comes language that has no filters or boundaries. My daughter has taught me an incredible amount of patience and also to laugh at the silly things that happen. Laughing and finding humor in some of the awkward comments helps balance life when things get too stressful and unmanageable at times. I have spoken with other families who have children on the spectrum and we all have agreed you just have to laugh sometimes.

My daughter was taking her nightly bath one evening. Of course, I’m always right next to her in the bathroom. She asked me why I never take a bath with her. I explained to her that I am a grownup and much too big to get into the bathtub with her. I told her that if I got into the bathtub, there would be no room for her.

She had a very serious face and replied very calmly, “Oh yeah. I keep forgetting you are the size of an elephant.” I laughed. She was not trying to be mean. She was not trying to make me feel bad about myself. She was just being her. I was thankful for the laugh, although I was remorseful for the Kit Kat bar I had eaten earlier that day.

My daughter is so smart; sometimes she asks questions I just don’t know how to answer. Thank goodness for Google, as every question ends up with me having to search the internet. My other children used to ask questions of curiosity like what my favorite color was growing up, or what television shows I used to watch when I was little, or the names of my best friends from grade school. My daughter with autism does not have an interest in any of those topics.

She wants to know what scientific family a slug is in. I had no idea—I had to look it up. She wanted to know how many species are in the gastropod family. I had no idea—I had to look it up. Then she wanted to see pictures of each species. I told her I don’t have that information either and that I would have to look it up. She told me very calmly, and in all seriousness, “I used to think you were smart.” Again, I laughed. I have been outsmarted by an eight-year-old!

Playdates at the park are no different. I always enjoy seeing how she reacts and how she perceives others. Each time we go is different, even when nothing around us is different. We have our good days and bad days like everyone else. I was talking to another parent and watching the kids play. One of the kids came up to me to tell me that my daughter was eating snails.

I went over to investigate what was going on. She saw me and right away told me, “I am not eating the snails. I was just tasting them. I have spit all of them out.” I laughed and told the other parent we needed to go before she fills up too much before dinner.

If laughter is truly good for the soul, I get a good daily dose from my daughter each day. I am thankful for her witty comments and the humor she brings into our life. Life is not easy having a child on the spectrum, but having a positive attitude and learning to laugh at the little things certainly makes it better. Wishing joy and laughter to all the autism parents out there!

This article was originally written by Carol Tatom.

This post originally appeared on Autism Spectrum Magazine.

Autism Parenting Magazine is the leading magazine for parents of autistic children as well as professionals seeking to work with children on the spectrum. Established in 2012, our focus remains on objectively publishing autism-related topics, events, developments, treatments, news stories as well as a variety of inspiring real-life stories.

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Bilingual Teddy Bears Help Kids Learn a New Language

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Dr. Tameka Maiden, a single mom, pharmacist and former teacher from Houston, Texas, created the Cubby Love Bears line in 2019 using her own personal savings and a makeshift home workshop. Her young daughter, Tori, helped her to realize the importance of bridging the gap in early childhood language development by teaching children primary educational skills while building their vocabulary in both English and Spanish. The cuddly interactive teddy bears she created teach children colors, numbers, alphabet and other primary skills while teaching them a foreign language at the same time. 

Cubby Love Bears

Cubby Love Bears allow children to vocally hear English and Spanish words with a simple click of the bear’s paws. The colorful dual-language educational line includes bears like “Yancy the Time Bear”, who helps kids learn the days of the week and months of the year in both English and Spanish, “Ory the ABC and Number Bear”, a Cubby Love Bears Color Set, with four color block bears and accompanying bilingual books, and “Zoli”, a non-speaking bear that holds on tight to mobile devices in both portrait and landscape mode; keeping it steady for children to enjoy their apps, games and movies hands-free on phones and tablets!

Cubby Love Bears

Maiden will be launching a one-of-a-kind bear to help special needs families in Spring 2020. The cuddly new baby blue Teddy Bear, named “Auzy Bear”, can help children on the autism nonverbal spectrum and kids with language barriers verbally communicate their needs and feelings to parents and caregivers through pre-programmed voice commands in the bear’s paws and ears!

 

Cubby Love Bears are appropriate for children as young as one-year-old. The Cubby Love Bear Line includes eight bears, retailing for 24.99 each.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of Cubby Love Bears

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5 Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

By Sam Farmer

Quite a journey this has been so far, don’t you think?! Hopefully the strategies that follow will make the journey more manageable than it has been up to now. They stem from the experiences of a parent who, like his child, is on the autism spectrum but did not learn this about himself until after he became a father.

Not all of these strategies will be relevant to every parenting scenario. The autism spectrum represents a wide variety of personality profiles and challenge—there is no “one size fits all” set of tips.

1. Do everything you can to position your child for strong self-esteem. There is no more noble a pursuit than this when it comes to parenting in general.

A few things to consider:

  • Encourage your child to accept, or better yet, embrace, who he is regardless of the types of challenges and adversity he confronts.
  • Adopt realistic expectations, recognizing that it is counterproductive to discipline your child for behaviors he cannot control.
  • Steer him towards activities which you think he will enjoy and at which you believe he may become proficient.
  • Listen to him and respond positively to what he says whenever a positive response is warranted. When he asks you a question, answer him, regardless of whether you think the question is worthy of an answer.
  • Keep in mind that when you yell or scream at your child, he will most likely beat up on himself.

2. ​Look at small steps forward as if they are monumental achievements. For many on the spectrum, personal development occurs in small steps over longer than expected periods of time. If you treat these small steps forward as being as significant as they truly are to your autistic child’s growth (in other words, by passionately praising them), they will contribute more to her growth than they otherwise would. Such praise is not likely to be effective when given long after the fact. Immediacy is critically important in this case so that your child can easily associate the praise with the act that is being praised. If and when a praiseworthy behavior becomes habitual, it need not be praised as often as it was before it became commonplace. Too much praise is likely to render it less beneficial.

Simple behaviors that are not yet habitual, which your spectrum child performs without being prompted and which show self-awareness or awareness of others are examples of small steps forward which should elicit high praise. For example, saying “please” and “thank you” when it is warranted, offering to help out with a task, saying “bless you” when somebody sneezes, properly performing an act of self-care, etc. Increments of progress towards a long-term goal, whatever that goal may be, are worthy of high praise as opposed to only giving praise once the goal has been fully attained.

3. Beware of “the bachelor state of mind”: The bachelor(ette) state of mind can be thought of as a gravitational force that tries to lure you into thinking only about your own interests, even when doing so is at the expense of your child’s best interests. Not a crime when you were younger and only responsible for yourself, and yet it has a way of hanging around once your life can no longer be all about you.

For example, when you lie down on the couch to relax and then you don’t move when your child asks you to play with him, you succumb to the bachelor state of mind, particularly if opportunities to play with him are relatively few and far between. When you manage to drag yourself off the couch to play with your son in spite of how tired you are, you have triumphed over the bachelor state of mind. Your effort goes a long way toward enhancing your relationship with your child.

4. Try to see the world through your child’s eyes. If you are nonautistic and your child is autistic, it is highly likely that the two of you will not end up on the same page with respect to how the information the immediate environment transmits is processed and therefore how each of you responds to what goes on around you. Consequently, at least some of your child’s behaviors probably do not make any sense to you. Nonetheless, work on putting yourself in her shoes and parenting according to her reality. A difficult task to say the least, but an important one.

Nobody wins when you repeatedly try, to no avail, to get her to behave in ways that are consistent with your own experience and which you consider to be “normal”. Refrain from criticizing what in your view are awkward, aberrant behaviors and resist the temptation to redirect her away from these behaviors. Instead, create a safe, accepting environment for her in which she can behave as she does and receive love and validation rather than be judged or scolded. Allow her to be herself to the extent that she is not harming herself or others in the process. She is beautiful just the way she is!

5. Seek help if you know deep down that you could use it. Doing so is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it shows that you have the courage and the strength to pursue change for the better. Help for folks on the spectrum and their parents is available from caring, intelligent professionals including clinicians, relevant school personnel, local autism resource centers (ARC’s), and numerous organizations.

Here are a few organizations that exist to assist the autism spectrum community in achieving better outcomes: The Asperger/Autism Network is one such organization that hosts support groups and provides a variety of services aimed at helping those on the spectrum live more meaningful, connected lives. Social Thinking®  is a methodology that helps autistic kids develop social competencies. The College Internship Program helps young adults on the spectrum prepare for and succeed in college, gain meaningful employment and acquire independent living skills.

 

This post originally appeared on For Every Mom.

SAM FARMER wears many hats, among them father, husband, musician, computer consultant, autism spectrum community contributor, and author of the new book, A Long Walk Down a Winding Road: Small Steps, Challenges, & Triumphs Through an Autistic Lens, which is now available on Amazon. 

 

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How To Survive Empty Nest: The Ultimate Oxymoron

By Shelby Spear

‌

Photo: Family Photo & Pixabay

A new school year is just around the corner which means an entire slew of us parents will soon sprint, tip toe, or be yanked into the empty nest club as a proverbial rite of passage. Over the years I’ve talked to moms and dads whose feelings about the organic transformation run up and down the emotional gamut.  

The spectrum is anywhere from freedom fighters that started the countdown decades in advance excitedly anticipating Act Two, all the way to panic-ridden souls digging in their heels attempting to defy the cosmic laws of inevitability.

Where do I stand within this muddy mire of mixed emotions? Glad you asked. I guess you didn’t, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Seems I am somewhere between digging in my heels attempting to defy the cosmic law of inevitability and digging in my heels attempting to defy the cosmic law of inevitability.

Does this mean I am mentally refusing to accept the looming transition? Yes or yes? Don’t answer. I beg you.  

Where do you fall on the spectrum, fellow keeper of a soon to be vacant bed of twigs and grasses? Perhaps you still dance in denial, or you are a spiritual warrior having girded your loins with Truth. Maybe when your kids were in middle school and causing your hair to grey ten years ahead of schedule, you and your hubby proactively booked a two-week cruise set to sail the day after unpacking Junior’s last box in the dorm. I commend you for planning the getaway while your feelings of sorrow over the empty nest years had yet to conceive in your tepid heart.

Wherever we stand on the continuum set before us, Webster’s has given us the gift of word play to help us see beyond the prism of conventional parenting and prepare for the emerging season of solitude.

Friends and family keep asking me, “How are you holding up?  Are you ready for this? What are you going to do with your life now?” Short and sweet are my responses, “Depends on the moment, not sure, and I have no idea.”

Good news is thought bubbles aren’t real because my crackerjack response barely keeps a lid on the wellspring of turbulent feelings drawn closer to the surface with each looming question. My daughter will be the last to leave in ten days, three hours and four seconds. The earth will shift beneath my feet and the universe will have to breathe for me awhile.

When I walk the plank away leaving my baby girl to embrace her new life of independence and adventure, hopefully the experience won’t be as grueling as what the projector keeps playing on my mind-screen. I’m expending quantum amounts of energy this summer doing my best to live in the present; enjoying my kids while they are still right in front of me. 

I’ve only succumbed to waterworks in front of them about eight, ten or twelve times (who’s counting). The behind the scenes basket casers’ don’t apply, like the other day when I bought a huge package of Charmin to refill the kid’s bathrooms only to realize the toilets won’t be in use and the white stuff isn’t necessary. Tears and sobbing; over bottom wipes. Pathologicaletic.

My kids are amazing; each one of them independent, confident, intelligent, faith-filled and courageous human beings. Both my boys adapted well to life away and my daughter will no doubt follow suit as she is strong, excited and more than ready to begin this new season.

I’m certain your kids are just as amazing. What on earth are we so anxious about? This is the natural progression of life and we need to get over it and accept it; be thankful we have kids with a direction and the wherewithal, drive, aspiration and eagerness to better themselves and prepare their hearts and minds to do the world some good.

God is a huge part of my kids’ lives and they still love my hugs, willingly open their hearts to me, share their dreams, and admit their failures. Shouldn’t we stand tall and proud knowing we are sending off faithful children full of security and self-esteem?

Being thankful, grateful and proud is so easy; yet our knees still buckle. What’s our problem? It’s called, we’re moms.

To describe the love for a child is a limitless expression embracing every adjective that comes to mind. Palpable, heavy, light, amazing, agonizing, hopeful, proud, anxious, beautiful, overwhelming, blissful, worrisome, expectant, fearful, exhilarating, maddening, indescribable, incredible.

The yin and yang at every turn as we raise these on-loan miracles enacts a Divine drama on an all-consuming stage. Then, after eighteen years of loving on our kids like there’s no tomorrow, tomorrow comes.

Hands-on, face-to-face, completely enmeshed, we can see what’s really going on, orbital parenting comes to a screeching halt. A new, intrinsic approach ushers in, a complete surrender, trust in God mandate sugar-coated in a little phrase called letting go.

Barf. Letting go has no semblance of sweetness, even for a diabetic.

I’ve already let two fly from the nest and loving from a distance is eerily silent and profoundly void. Days once filled with loud music, laughter, drama, friends, sports, activities, homework projects, and chaotic meals give way to empty timelessness where only memories linger.

As if navigating absentee motherhood isn’t challenging enough, we also have to exchange our coach’s uniform for a cheerleading skirt. They don’t need want us calling the plays anymore. Their time has come to shine and our role shifts to waving like derelicts on the sideline encouraging and empowering them, especially when they screw up.

Pom-poms and rah-rah posters may sound simple enough. But when your children have been your world, their existence and well-being consuming the majority of your days, the significant paradigm shift can unglue even the Kristina Braverman in us. (Crying again; oh how I miss Parenthood, in both senses of the word)

As for me, the filial upheaval has caused emotional vertigo; my kids are walking away yet I’m standing still.  

Which brings me to why living as an empty nester and loving our kids from a distance is the ultimate oxymoron.  

We can start with the throwback, overused statement which defines sending our kids off into the world as bittersweet because blah blah and yada yada. But I have a few other oxymorons with a bit more depth and emotion strapped to them only a mother can comprehend.

Since my last to leave the nest represents my third to go, your initial conclusion might label me as an amateur expert at this gig. More likely I’m an advanced beginner. Yes, I’ve already experienced how organized chaos morphs into loud stillness, but my emotional state moves like a calm storm where I am certainly unsure if I’m cheerfully mournful or a mournful optimist. How about a cheerful pessimist?  

Some days I experience sad joy which is beautifully painful and leads to a great depression when I think of the goodbye reception preceding the noticeable absence of all my children.

Soon we will wake up each morning to a deafening silence which could really be a loud whisper for us to accept this transition as a constant variable we are certainly unsure about. Since there are no instruction manuals for moms entering this stage of life, wouldn’t we be practicing an arrogant humility if we try to pretend we’re not a train wreck?

How to handle this new season of life is clear as mud which wakes me up in a cold sweat shivering in confident fear about my children’s futures. I’ve definitely been a deaf listener to the wisdom shared from those before me because stability in my mind these past few days has been conspicuously absent.

Letting our kids go is not an easy task, in fact, I’m going to make an educated guess and say it’s pretty ugly. But for the next ten days, one hour and eleven seconds I commit to practicing convenient denial so as not to produce harmonious discord within my family as we give all three of our beautiful children wings to fly.  

The time has come for me to practice what I have preached to my kids all these years, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

If you are a mom travelling this same road with me, take a listen to the song, Holding on and Letting Go, by Ross Copperman. His lyrics are a testament to the season of empty nest,

“It’s everything you wanted, it’s everything you don’t It’s one door swinging open and one door swinging closed Some prayers find an answer Some prayers never know We’re holding on and letting go”

P.S. I wrote this post last August and I am a survivor! The anticipation of letting go was far worse than the actual transition. We are stronger than we think. And our kids are even stronger.

A self-described “sappy soul whisperer/sarcasm aficionado,” Shelby is a wife of 27 years & mom of three millennials. She co-authored How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don't need to say, "I'm fine.") Her stories are in print at Guideposts, online at sites like Her View From Home and Parenting Teens & Tweens, and at shelbyspear.com. Get 3 FREE chapters of Shelby's book

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Vans Releases Sensory Inclusive Designs to Support Autism Awareness

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Vans is ensuring everyone, regardless of ability, can enjoy their sneakers. The brand’s commitment to inclusion continues with the release of sensory-inclusive sneakers and clothing that feature calming colors, like blue and green and designs that focus on comfort and ease of wear. This new collection is available for adults, kids and toddlers. 

Vans Autism Awareness

Ahead of Autism Awareness Month in April, Vans is celebrating the uniqueness of all people. Designed specifically with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in mind, the ultra-comfortable footwear collection features sensory-inclusive elements including a calming color palette and designs that focus on the senses of touch, sign and sound.

Vans Autism Awareness
According to a press release, in order to be more inclusive to sensory sensitivities, Vans worked with the International Board of Credentialing and Continuing Education Standards to create designs utilizing Vans ComfyCush technology. 

Vans Autism Awareness

The company will donate a minimum of $100,000 from the Autism Awareness Collection to the A.skate Foundation. This organization teaches skateboarding to children on the spectrum at no cost to the families, provides grants to children with autism for skateboarding gear as well as promotes awareness and educates families about the therapeutic benefits of skateboarding. The proceeds from this collection enables A.skate to teach 4,000 children with autism how to skateboard and further builds on the inclusive and creative culture of skateboarding.

The Vans Autism Awareness Collection is available online and in Vans retail locations. 

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of Vans

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