For newly divorced moms and dads, moving to a new home can be another stressful layer to an already stressful situation.
Among kids, an unwanted move can result in feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment. Losing the home they know and love comes as a blow as another part of their lives spins out of control.
Here are a few tips to help kids transition to a new home after divorce:
1. Address any emotions your children may have about the move.
Moving homes brings about complex emotions children may not understand, even if they know what divorce is. You may believe acting happy and convincing them nothing is wrong is best. However, this behavior teaches children to avoid emotions and can result in long-term problems. Instead, address the feelings your children may be experiencing head-on. Start a conversation, then listen. Kristin Davin, Psy.D., a therapist from New York City, says, “It’s critical parents provide emotional space for their children to express how they’re doing so they not only feel safe but also understood.”
Having children read age-appropriate books about moving and handling change and calling on a therapist or child psychologist can help.
2. Make moving day as low-stress as possible.
Moving day won’t come without stress. That said, as a parent, you set the tone. “Children take their cues from their parents, so a parent’s ability to manage stress is key,” says Davin. If you’re pessimistic, your children will notice. They may then have trouble adjusting. Davin suggests parents talk with their kids beforehand. “The day doesn’t have to be stress-free. But talking to children before a big move about what would help them feel less stressed is wise. You want children to feel they’re part of the process and recognize you’re all in it together and still a family.”
Other ways to decrease stress on moving day include making sure you and your children are well-rested and well-fed. Also, keep a box of your children’s favorite possessions nearby and all in one place, so they’re readily available for the first night in their new environment.
Consider sending your children to their grandparents’ house or with another relative or friend for moving day and maybe a few days after it. With the kids away from the chaos, you’ll be better able to prepare your home for a peaceful transition.
3. Let your children decorate their room.
Your children should feel like the new house is their home, too. That’s especially true of their bedroom. Denise Allen, a Washington State-based organizational expert and the owner of Simplify Experts, recommends parents give children input in setting up their new space. “Allow them to feel like they have some ownership of the space and that it doesn’t just feel like a guest room.”
By letting kids decorate, it’ll feel like their personal space sooner. They’ll grow attached more quickly because they’ll feel personally invested. They may likewise gain a sense of control over their environment where it might’ve been lacking before. Not to mention, Allen says, “Parents will have more buy-in for the maintenance of the space if kids are proud of it.” Allen suggests parents be mindful of the activities that will take place in that area. Parents should consider whether kids will be studying in their room and if the setup plays well into their learning style. For example, is the lighting adequate for doing homework?
4. Establish a routine for your children.
Changing homes threatens stability, making it critical for parents to establish a routine as soon as possible for their children, even if it’s a new one. Kids want to know what’s around the bend. “Starting them off with a bit less stress will help them feel good and empowered,” says Davin.
A routine preoccupies children. It prevents them from fixating on unsettling events, keeping them grounded in the present and looking to the future. Dinner is at six o’clock, bedtime at eight. It also puts transitions into bite-sized pieces, which kids can manage. As they see that what you predict happens, they’ll worry less another change will come out of nowhere.
5. Keep the new space orderly.
Related to creating a routine for your family, especially children, is keeping your new space in order. Allen says, “A calm living environment offers a great sense of control and a place for the brain to relax.”
Moving also provides an excellent and often welcome opportunity to purge possessions that have been weighing you down. Children, even younger ones, can benefit from a purge and reorganization of their toys, games, and books. With clutter gone, kids can focus on the items that make them happy. Plus, they have room to put their stamp on the new space, making it their own.
As for moving forward, Allen says maintenance is critical. “Simple organizational systems are key, and the more visual they are, the better.”
6. Give kids time and space to adjust to their new home.
Divorced parents may want their children to immediately accept the new home, seeing it as a sign they’re coming to terms with the divorce. But just as you need to get used to your situation, your kids will, too. Davin says, “Thinking they should adjust in a certain way by a certain time puts pressure on children and can make them feel like something is wrong with them.” Instead, she recommends parents do check-ins and ask their kids what they need and how they’re doing while still giving them time and privacy to figure things out.
But more than anything, Davin says, “Let your kids know you’re around for them whenever they need you. It’s the people who live in a house, not the house itself, that make a home.”
Elise Buie, Esq. is a Seattle-based family and divorce lawyer and founder of Elise Buie Family Law Group. A champion for maintaining civility throughout the divorce process, Elise advocates for her clients and the best interests of their children, helping them move forward with dignity and strength.
What happens when you physically can’t be in two places at once? And, all of a sudden, you’re relying on someone else to pick up the slack, the slack you dropped, regardless of what circumstance caused you to drop it. Then, imagine that the person you have to depend on is (a) someone you hadn’t counted on in a long time and (b) someone you certainly wouldn’t want to know you needed help.
On a snowy day soon after my divorce, that’s what happened, and, for the first time, I got a taste of what being a divorced single parent was all about. Despite being newly free from a marriage that brought me pain and dragged me down, I hadn’t counted on the rush of emotions I would experience after missing something as simple as a 20-minute parent-teacher conference.
And, damn it, I deserved that romantic getaway, too! It was my off-weekend or, as I like to call it, divorce’s silver lining. I had recently started dating a man, someone I liked very much. I was living in Minnesota, co-parenting with my ex-husband nearby. The man I was seeing, however, lived in Seattle. So the night before Thanksgiving, I dropped the kids off at my ex’s and got on a plane to the West Coast to spend some time together.
I scheduled myself to fly back to Minnesota on Sunday, right in time for my daughter’s sophomore parent-teacher conferences on Monday. Up until that point, I had never missed a parent-teacher conference for any of our four kids. But as I sat at the Seattle airport looking at unseasonal snow everywhere, I realized there was a first time for everything. I was beside myself with guilt.
Reluctantly, I called my ex-husband and told him that I would need him to attend the conference. He had only gone to a few such conferences over the years, but I knew he’d be fine. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same sense of confidence I did. Believing he needed a cheat sheet, he instructed our 15-year-old daughter to write a paragraph about each class.
She was horrified. How could her dad ask her to do homework when she already had so much, and only so he could attend her parent-teacher conference? It was ludicrous. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I think I did both, along with our daughter, although for different reasons. Could my missing something as basic as a parent-teacher conference cause such pain to all of us?
Our daughter did the “assignment” and then blamed me. After all, if I hadn’t brought this new man into my life, which meant into our family, I wouldn’t have fallen short on missing yet another important “Mom” thing. She was right. But she was also wrong because I knew in my head that as a single woman, I should have the chance to find a partner I would be happy with and want to share my life with one day. Either way, it didn’t stop my heart from hurting. Because of my trip, my so-called selfishness, I was the one who failed. I was sick with guilt.
As for the conference, my ex-husband passed with flying colors. He heard all about our daughter’s classes, how she was doing, and what areas she needed to work on throughout the school year. He relayed the information to me, and although I felt guilty that I missed hearing the information firsthand and that my ex punished our daughter because I wasn’t there to listen to it directly, I felt relieved.
Even in my absence, the sun still came up the next day, my ex-husband survived the ordeal, and our daughter eventually forgave me. I knew then I wasn’t the only one who had to be in a certain place at a certain time or do everything with and for my kids just because my title was “Mom.” With that one missed flight and one missed conference, I was liberated from all of the pressure I put on myself. It was life-changing—for the better, for all of us as a family, including my ex-husband.
Years later, when my new husband (the same guy I was visiting in Seattle) and I were traveling and both unable to attend my son’s sixth-grade parent-teacher conference, my husband’s daughter, a recent college grad, was up for the challenge. She went on mine and my son’s father’s behalf, as he still lived back in Minnesota and was unable to come. (He later moved to Seattle, too, to avoid missing such moments.)
Everyone at the school commented about how “cool” it was that my son’s older step-sister came to the conference, how many insightful questions she asked, and how supportive she was of him and his learning. And she did it all without making her stepbrother do extra homework, sending my newly blended family straight to the head of the class.
Elise Buie, Esq. is a Seattle-based family and divorce lawyer and founder of Elise Buie Family Law Group. A champion for maintaining civility throughout the divorce process, Elise advocates for her clients and the best interests of their children, helping them move forward with dignity and strength.
Choosing to get a divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in your life—especially when kids are involved. Regardless of their age, you want to protect them at all costs and ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible. Of course, this is much easier said than done, as you may well know. Aside from the legal aspects, there are emotional and parenting issues you have to deal with. At times, these can be more taxing than the financial and contractual details. However, as impossible as it may seem right now, there are ways to care for yourself and your kids as you navigate this tumultuous time in your life. Here are some tips to help you make it through and become an even stronger mama in the process.
1. Give Yourself Time
One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to give yourself time to process your emotions. It’s completely natural to experience panic, confusion, sadness, anger, and a slew of other feelings as you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is ending. In fact, you’ll likely go through the stages of grief as you move forward, eventually reaching acceptance. However, as painful as the process is, it’s best not to rush it. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to break down when you aren’t on mom duty. You’re human too, after all. You deserve to explore those complicated emotions without feeling the need to suppress them 24/7.
2. Don’t Go It Alone
While alone time is essential in processing your emotions, it’s equally important to find others with whom you can confide. Up until this point, it’s likely your husband was the one with whom you would share your thoughts and feelings. Now, you must trust close friends, relatives, or a therapist with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Of course, opening up to others can be frightening and uncomfortable. However, talking to someone else may provide you a fresh perspective or prevent you from running back to a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. You might also consider joining a support group so you can be with others who are currently going through or have been through a divorce.
3. Become a United Front
A lack of communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek divorce. However, when it comes time to inform the kids of your decision, you must be able to speak with one another and become a united front before talking to your children. After all, this decision involves both of you, so you should both be present when telling the kids. Moreover, your little ones will likely feel more comfortable and safe if you’re both there to explain things. Prepare for questions and make sure you and your spouse agree on the reasoning behind the divorce so you can answer them clearly and concisely.
4. Avoid Trash Talk
During that first conversation with your kids and throughout the divorce process, avoid trash-talking your spouse. Even if their actions or words were the reason for the divorce, it’s best not to drag them through the mud in front of your children. Your kids don’t need to know all the details of the divorce and, in the end, you still want them to respect both you and their father. Plus, you don’t want your little ones to feel like they have to choose a side—especially when you’re trying to protect them from the messiness of divorce. If your partner is trash-talking you, let your actions speak for themselves and resist the urge to defend yourself. Doing so will only fan the flames and give your kids more reason to turn against one of you.
5. Don’t Make Your Kids Messengers
Even before the divorce is final it isn’t uncommon for you or your spouse to move out and begin splitting time with the kids. If you continue to share custody of the children, this cycle of having your kids and sending them off to see their father will repeat for years to come. During the early stages, many ex-couples use the kids as messengers instead of directly communicating with one another. Don’t make the same mistake. Using your kids as middlemen puts them in the line of fire if an argument were to occur, causing real and lasting damage to their emotional health and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s best to text, call or email your ex privately or meet up and speak in person without your kids being present.
Today Is Not Your Forever
If you’re in the throes of divorce, it may be difficult—if not impossible—to see a silver lining in such a mess. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re doing this for your kids if nothing else. They deserve a safe, loving home, and divorce may have been the only way to provide that. Find hope in the fact that even if today may be almost too much to bear, it won’t last forever. Eventually, you and your little ones will emerge from the rubble and rebuild your lives together. Looking back, you may find this was the best thing you could ever have done for your kids and their future.
Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine. A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures. She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time.
Did you know podcasts, originally dubbed “audioblogging” have been around since the ’80s? But, it wasn’t until portable digital devices became the norm, circa 2004, that they truly began to pick up steam. Flash forward to today—and podcasts are pretty much everyone’s favorite source of news, entertainment, and brainfood. The uber-popular medium is especially appealing to busy parents with demanding schedules (and no free hands!). We’re highlighting San Diego podcasts by local parents that are worth a listen. Read on for the details.
You may know her from her wildly popular insta-account or have seen her boss baby doing his thing (we've never seen anything cuter!). But, did you know Danielle Schaffer, mom of four kids and three pups also hosts a fabulous podcast called, The Mom Confidential? Every week Danielle and her co-host Dr. Flossy (AKA her husband) deep dive into stories, interviews and inspirational words from some of the most influential women and names in the business. Hear all the truths about motherhood and family, from parenting basics from mom and dad to celebrity anecdotes. The dynamic duo doesn't shy away from tough topics, a.k.a why spouses cheat, so get ready for a juicy and entertaining listen.
The Sure, Babe podcast is all about relationships, accepting who you are, and living the life you're meant to live. We can get on board with that! Chrissy Powers is a blogger and podcaster with a highly successful instagram platform but she's also a licensed marriage and family therapist and creative career coach. The wife and mother of three shares honest stories about motherhood, mental health, relationships, travel, style, and life in Southern California. On the podcast you’ll hear everything – the good, the bad, the embarrassing, and even the taboo––because she believes it's all got to be talked about.
Jenn Kolinski and Natasha Tharp, two working moms from San Diego, talk honestly about all the challenges and joys of life. Listening to their podcast feels like sitting down with two girlfriends over a glass of wine (their weekly episode also features a wine of the week, by the way!) They honestly discuss everything from "capsule wardrobes" to "how not to lose it,' and each episode offers something interesting, relatable and of-the-moment to think about. Girlfriends and podcasts, FTW.
If you want a laugh out loud moment (or a dozen) download the They See Me Mommin' podcast today. The duo that host the podcast are both mothers: 1 mum, 1 mom. Now living in Southern California, they refer to themselves as transplants from either side of the pond. They both love comedy, family life and Harry Potter. They certainly inject enough material in between laughs that will make you think and listen closer. It's the perfect combo of serious and sweet and a great listen for any moms everywhere.
A bit different than the other podcasts we've highlighted, but one that's certainly worthy of being on the list is The High Conflict Co-Parenting podcast. Hosted by Brook Olsen, a Certified Parenting Educator with the International Network for Children and Families, a Certified Divorce Mediator, Divorce Coach, and author of The Black Hole of High Conflict, this San Diego based podcast addresses co-parenting when circumstances are difficult. He and his guests show that you can't change your ex partner, but you can change the environment and offer your child health and happiness. Listen and learn principles, tools and techniques available in order to create peace in high conflict co-parenting relationships.
If you want a podcast that's entertaining for both you and your little one, we have a list of those too. Start with Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls. The inspiring books on powerful women have released season three in audio form. Listeners can learn about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Priscilla Chan, Celia Cruz and the Mirabel Sisters and many more over the course of the last few seasons. But don't stop there, check out our full list of family podcasts to download today. They're diverse, exciting and interesting for all ages.
My marriage, like any other, started on an excellent footing. It began with hope and great expectation, and there were love and friendship. We were two young people taking this marriage journey together. Because we were different in every respect despite the effort to become united in spirit and flesh, we still saw things from a divergent perspective. That’s not surprising as we had a completely different upbringing and background.
Could it be that the essentials that make a healthy and successful marriage (the strings that bind the package together) were completely missing in my marriage?
I must confess that some of these elements probably were carelessly handled. Was there a lack of communication, patience, humility, forgiveness, time commitment, faithfulness, honesty, and trust? All leading to an inevitable failed marriage? Probably so.
As far as I’m concerned, as the husband and breadwinner, I thought I was doing my best to make sure my family didn’t lack anything. But by so doing, I missed spending quality time with my wife, and that was a problem in itself. I don’t want to paint myself as a saint because they say it takes two to tango and the fault should be shared by both parties, for that reason, I should be partly blamed. If I was more mature maybe I would have handled many situations much better. Indeed, being ready to be more patient, humble, and able to forgive. Doing so would have solved many problems that later became a thorn in my side.
The breakup was very devastating for me, most especially with the children at the center of it all. They say when two elephants fight the grass suffers. My children weren’t the only ones who were affected by this turmoil because I was also caught in the middle as well. It caused me to weep in the open and in secret. I missed their warmth and everything else about my children, which caused me to become depressed and created other health problems that I might have for the rest of my life.
No Wonder They Say, Love Kills
Marriage is a natural and sacred institution contracted to last as long as we live. We say, “Till death do us part.”
The one-million-dollar question is, has this union always worked out for everybody as planned? The answer, without any hesitation, is absolutely NO. Is there a guide to fix these varied marriage problems? I hope so because it’s said where there’s a will, there should be a way. Therefore, both sides of the marriage should always plan to put their home in order.
Why didn’t my marriage work?
Well, it was all due to a catalog of missing fundamental building blocks that a great marriage creates. In addition to those mentioned previously, add the lack of maturity, patience, and forgiveness. What about self-ego, undaunting faithfulness, selfishness, and many more from both parties, as the fault of a failed marriage cannot be one-sided.
It needs the maturity of both sides for the marriage to succeed. Every union begins with great dreams: Love for one another, being faithful to each other, raise healthy and well-matured kids, both mentally, psychologically, and otherwise.
A marriage is like a flower that needs constant watering to grow. The same goes for a relationship—it requires many open discussions to keep it warm and running smoothly. Intrinsic is the need for wisdom, understanding, and all it will take to let it flourish. The more insight and knowledge we apply to the union, the more likely the marriage will survive and mature.
The consequences of a failed marriage are devastating. A couple must strive to tap into whatever resources are available to learn how to keep the marriage afloat. At the core, decisions must be made between both partners to decide who the wage earner is, which activities will be undertaken toward the children’s feeding and nurturing, and keeping the home running smoothly. It’s of utmost importance to maintain constant dialogs to put things in their right perspective. Doing so will prepare the marriage to weather any storm both in rosy and challenging times.
Furthermore, the waters can become choppy in a marriage when it becomes necessary to cooperate and lend a hand to extended family members (husband’s and wife’s siblings). These actions can cause so many setbacks where one part of the family is favored over the other.
It is no wonder that these issues constitute some of the headaches that marriages face (depending on tradition and culture). Some cultures expressly include extended families in the marriage. As the saying goes: when you’re married into a family, you’re not just married to your wife or husband but to the whole clan.
Just this aspect can produce fruits of discord instead of agreement and love. When that happens, it means love has become bitter and downright poisonous in the marriage. It begins to go down a slippery slope producing contrary effects. But when the children are caught in the middle of all this confusion, it becomes even dangerous for everybody involved, and it could provoke a lot of unwanted problems.
Things get out of hand entirely when the father or the mother enters into a new marriage after their divorce. Children’s issues become more challenging and can escalate when one parent isn’t cooperative. Still, it’s imperative to continue looking for ways by all means despite the rough path to follow.
With all things being equal, my marriage has taught me a lifelong lesson. Though I cannot go back and correct the past, I will always make good the lessons learned by investing in the present and hoping for a better and prosperous future.
Pedro O. Thompson (aka, KARIMO), you can call him POT.
Pedro is a Prolific Certified Translator. He translates from English to Spanish and English to English. He is an Image/Book Copy Editor/a Writer & Blogger, coupled with a good background in business settings/publishing, and a keen interest in public affairs.
1. Divorce rates will jump in 2021. There are many people who are waiting for the world to normalize before they beeline to a divorce attorney’s office. Quarantine has been challenging for even the strongest of couples, so for those marriages that were on the edge—this experience will push them right over.
2. 50/50 parenting time will grow to be the norm. A typical reason why the primary custodial parent would argue against equal parenting time is that the parent who is not typically home with the children does not understand that Billy will only eat his PB&J sandwich if it is cut into star shapes and Zoey will only color with purple shaded crayons. However, now that in many households both parents have been home for the past nine months and both parents are learning their Children’s daily routines and likes and dislikes, those arguments will hold much less weight.
3. There will be more motions seeking relocation. Many people have left the cities to find trees and the ability to easily stay at least six feet away from other people. Therefore, divorced and divorcing couples had to make adjustments to their parenting schedules and sacrifice weekly access to accommodate the fact that the parents may not necessarily live a few blocks away from each other anymore. People are going to get used to their new surroundings and I think that when the city schools reopen and the parent who remained in the city wants his/her children to come back, there will be many relocation motions claiming that it is in the best interests of the children to remain where they are.
4. There will be more disputes over parenting decisions. As if divorcing parents did not have enough to fight about, now we can add in disputes about what are appropriate COVID protocols (mask v. no mask, eating indoors vs. not, Ubers vs. subways, etc.). What happens when one parent insists that their child attends school in-person because the child needs socialization and paying $60K for a private school education feels wasteful when the classes are being held in their living room vs. the parent who feels that sending a child to school is dangerous? And soon there will be vaccine wars.
5. Mediation & Collaborative Law will become the divorce processes of choice. With divorce rates increasing and there being more motion practice over parenting issues, an already overloaded court system will become slower and more difficult to navigate. Court appearances and trials are now more virtual than not, but the backload from when the courts were almost closed at the beginning of the pandemic is still impacting the speed at which new motions are heard. People are going to want a venue to resolve their differences faster than what the Courts may be able to provide. Out-of-court process options, such as Mediation & Collaborative Law will become more reasonable and speedy alternatives to the traditional court system and I believe will be utilized much more in 2021.
Jacqueline Newman is a divorce lawyer and matrimonial law expert. As managing partner of a top-tier 5th Avenue Manhattan law firm focused exclusively on divorce, her practice runs the gamut from prenups for high net worth people contemplating marriage to high conflict matrimonial litigation in dissolutions.
“I don’t know what to say other than today we found out that Whitman is unique. He’ll get a scholarship to help him do great things. Nothing changes and when it does we’ll figure it out.” I sat on our couch staring at this text. I read it. Re-read it. Cried. It had been a long 24 hours. One minute I was in the preschool pick-up line living my best life and the next I was on the phone being told that there was an opening to get Whitman evaluated for autism.
I said yes because it would be another 2-3 months to wait to have the evaluation if I didn’t say yes. So we prepped. I was going to do this appointment with my mom because Jeremy was going to be in meetings all day. It fell in his tech review time. We got up and headed to the appointment.
I first picked up some Chick-Fil-A (aka: Jesus breakfast) we needed a lot of Jesus to get through this long day I could feel it. Whitman did every evaluation. I answered what seemed like 1,000 pages of questions and then the diagnosis came. “After the review of Whit’s scores, we are putting him on the Autism spectrum.”
I remember the words hanging in the air. It was heavy. “We aren’t changing any therapy he is already having, we’re just adding it to the previous diagnosis of Apraxia.” The developmental pediatrician was super dry so this just sounded like her going through the motions. Which to me felt heartless. How could she not grieve with us?! How could she not want to hug us and promise us she’d help us?! She ended with: “Megan will be in in a few moments with your folder of services that Whitman will qualify for, the genetic testing that needs to be done, and you’ll schedule your follow up appointment for 6 months.”
Megan walked in and handed us a light blue folder as if it’s a “Congratulations your life has changed forever.” What you thought your future might look like isn’t remotely close to how it will be. Your souvenir is a folder of tiny things that we can help you with. Which turned out to be tiny things of nothing. Before we left, the secretary hugged us, and off we went back into the world.
I felt like the world should have been in mourning with us. Not because of Whitman’s diagnosis but because of the realization of how much harder Whitman’s life had gotten in a matter of minutes. The uphill battles of what’s to come. The questions we would hear. The natural blame that people place on you like all of this was Jeremy and my fault. It was a lot to take in. I did what I normally do when something doesn’t go as planned. I’m sad for about 20 minutes and then I move on to get things done especially for sweet Whitman. He had such a hard start and now we were adding more so owed it to him to get the best.
When I got home and unloaded the children, my husband called so I could fill him in on everything. I sobbed. He listened. I tried to make a plan. He just kept saying to slow down and we’d figured it out. Which made me so annoyed. We had to get Whitman into every therapy. We had to get him ahead of the game. I was that naive mom who believed the research that says if your child turns six and is nonverbal your child will be nonverbal forever. Whitman was 4 at the time and I felt like I was on borrowed time. I found a sitter for Vivi so I could be at every therapy appointment. I could take all the notes. We could work on everything at home. In my naive mind, we were going to beat this.
I took a break from research to tend to the children post quiet time and that’s when my husband, the man who has nothing to say until it’s the perfect thing to say, texted. He simply said: “I don’t know what to say other than today we found out that Whitman is unique. He’ll get a scholarship to help him do great things. Nothing changes and when it does we’ll figure it out.” He added that he would vow not to be another statistic when it came to the divorce rate among special needs parents. And that he knew that this wasn’t caused by something that I did. He assured me that life would be different and interesting but we’d get through it together. We are three years in and we are still figuring it out. Days are hard. We lack sleep and patience some days. Our house is always a never-ending disaster. We are trying to keep the promises and vows we made to each other on that diagnosis day. It’s a work in progress that we are still figuring it out.
Lindsey is a mom, wife, and blogger at The Althaus Life. She lives in Ohio with her husband and 2 children. Lindsey is grateful all things and to be able to chronicle her beautifully broken laugh til you cry cry until you laugh life.
Teen activists may hold an answer to school shootings.
I say “may” and “an answer” because each shooting is different. There’s no one reason for them.
There is a common denominator. It’s not a mental illness, or divorce, or bullying, or the Internet, or video games, or no prayer in schools or toxic masculinity—though each of those may be a contributing factor in some school shootings.
The common denominator is that school shootings are, well, shootings. Before we address the contributing factors, we must address that.
To do that, we must talk. Negotiate. Problem-solve. Not rant, spout slogans or pass around memes. Not blame mythical “crisis actors.” None of that will help. Let’s discuss what proposed solutions are feasible, practical, and actually helpful.
This time the kids are taking the lead and speaking up. Mandatory suspension means their walkouts may fail, at least if they walkout until Congress does something, as was suggested.
But other students are speaking out in other ways–talking to the media, visiting elected officials and attending sessions of legislative bodies. Encouraging voter registration among their peers.
And you know, these efforts may fail as well. It’s difficult to get your message across when you’re trying to get the attention of people who live and die by ballots, not bullets.
Here’s the thing, though. With the Parkland school shooting, we may have reached a “tipping point” in our society. Even if legislation doesn’t work, as so many say it won’t, there is a force that can catch the nation’s attention: grassroots activism.
I won’t praise the efforts of the 1960s when under-30s protested and helped stop a war, though I surely could. What I want to talk about is an attitudinal change. Societal change. It can happen and it has happened.
Think about the things that used to be commonplace and succumbed to pressure from groups and individuals.
Smoking is a prime example. Despite push-back from tobacco lobbies and cigarette manufacturers, smoking has tapered off in public and in private. Restaurants started with smoke-free seating areas and now in some states are completely smoke-free. Public buildings and many private ones are too. Smoking around young children is particularly looked down on.
Why? People spoke up, including teens (see truth.org). And society reacted. Look at old movies and how many characters in them smoked. Then look at modern movies and notice how few do. It’s almost like someone realized that these characters are representations of our changing society and perhaps role models for kids, even if only subliminally.
And look at drunk driving. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) changed society’s view of drunk drivers and prompted legislative change; for example, getting states to lower the limits for what is considered “impaired,” holding drinking establishments responsible for taking the keys from patrons too wasted to drive, and requiring harsher punishments for repeat offenders.
Non-legislative solutions are having an effect as well–the “Designated Driver” idea and PSAs that say “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk.” There are smaller, local efforts too, such as providing free cabs on the holidays associated with over-indulgence.
What happened in both examples was that society reached a tipping point. After so many deaths and so much ill health, individuals and groups decided that the prevailing practice had to change. And change it did.
There are reasons to believe that the Parkland shootings may be that tipping point for change. For the idea that school shootings are not just an everyday reality–or shouldn’t be.
Businesses are cutting ties with the NRA, for one. These are protests that will get attention because they are backed up by dollars.
Sure, many teens (and adults and businesses and lawmakers) will ignore the issue. Even teens succumb to the “it can’t happen here” mentality. But others are saying that it can and does happen anywhere. In elementary schools, where the students are too young to mount effective protests. In colleges, where students should.
And in the surrounding society, people are saying, “Enough already with the thoughts and prayers.” Even sincere ones have changed nothing, and insincere ones substitute for actual change.
Likely the change that is coming will be incremental and slow. And after the tipping point is reached and the mass of everyday Americans demand real answers to school shootings, maybe we can turn to the related factors like acceptance of bullying and the broken mental health care system. Grassroots efforts and public education are key.
But first, let’s listen to the kids. They have the most to lose.
Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.
Our series, Family Tales, is an honest peek into the daily lives of families across the country who are on this crazy ride we call parenthood! From divulging childcare costs to breaking down family finances to managing a virtual school year with multiple kids, we tap into the Red Tricycle army of parents to find out how they’re making it work. This series is a judgment-free zone.
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I Have to Say, I’m Not Minding the Remote-Learning Setup for My Family
Name and occupation: Maria Chambers, Editor for Red Tricycle Chicago and Co-Owner of Washington Street Markets My partner’s occupation: Co-parenting with my ex-husband who is a business consultant City: Naperville, IL (a western suburb of Chicago) Grades my kids are in: Sons are in 11th and 9th, a daughter in 8th and a son who graduated college in 2019 School set-up in 2020: Our school resumed on Sep. 1 with a remote learning setup for a minimum of 12 weeks, at which point it will be reevaluated. Once it is deemed safe for in-person learning to resume, they will be on a hybrid schedule. Kids are broken into two groups by alphabet. Kids with names that start with A-L will go on Tues. and Thurs., and every other Mon. Kids with names starting with M-Z will go Wed. and Fri., and every other Mon. When kids do return, they will need to wear masks and strict guidelines are in place for the number of kids who can be in any given location at a time.
This first day of school in 2020 definitely felt a bit anti-climactic, without the frenzy of transitioning from summer to school mode, taking pictures the kids don’t want taken and the silence of an empty house once they would normally go on their way, hauling overstuffed backpacks hunched over like mules.
Funny enough, the stress over first-day outfit choices was still in the mix. Well, at least for my daughter. The boys, not so much. Thankfully the eyeglasses she ordered last-minute, that she doesn’t actually need for seeing, arrived a day early so she was able to dial into her first Zoom call spectacled and stylish. I like to tease about her desperate wish to wear glasses and frustration that her vision is perfect, but I do agree the blue light glasses weren’t a bad purchase with how much screen time she’ll have this year. See the ones she ordered here, if you’re interested for your kids (or you!).
Morning: My Kids Are Pretty Self-Sufficient, and I’m Not Mad About It
Let me just preface this by saying, I know how lucky I am to have older kids in these weird days of schooling during COVID. I have mad respect for moms and dads who have elementary-aged kids and younger or kids of any age who have special learning needs or haven’t acclimated to this new setup. Those of us on cruise control look at what you’re doing and give major applause. For real.
My boys have to be logged on to their first-period Zoom call at 7:45 a.m. and my daughter logs on at 8 a.m. When my alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m., I wake all three so they can ease into their day. This may seem like ample time to get ready, but my 9th-grade son has one speed and it’s turtle. He’s developed a specific morning ritual which he needs to go through in a certain order that involves YouTubing while showering, cuddle time with our menagerie of pets and slow-as-molasses breakfast-eating. He feels this sets him up for a successful, stress-free day and I don’t even try to question or mess with it.
As soon as I wake on Mondays, I hit up our local bakery, D’Etta’s, for an Almond Braid or their massive Cinnamon Rolls that can feed a whole family. The Almond Braid lasts for days and it’s a hit with everyone. My daughter likes to keep Costco acai bowls (from the freezer section) onhand and I purchase their breakfast burritos from the refrigerated section for an alternative if the kids are feeling savory over sweet. Also, if you haven’t tried Costco’s Cinnamon Bread from their bakery section, you don’t even know what you’re missing. So good!
This summer, each of my kids got to pick a YETI and find their own bling on RedBubble. I don’t know why, but this made them extremely happy, they are obsessed. Another thing I don’t question. These get filled, by them, every morning and they stay cold and iced all day, into the evening. I’m convinced they’re made of a mix of magic and voodoo.
While my kids get ready, I do a quick check of my work email and then head for a walk that always involves an order-ahead coffee from Sparrow (Oat Milk Vanilla Latte, in case you’re ever looking to get me something special) and usually a pitstop to sit quietly with nature along Naperville’s riverwalk.
Morning School and Work: Personal Space Is a Happy Thing
Each of my kids has their own room with a workspace and I work from the dining room table. Up until this past January, my 11th-grade and 9th-grade boys were still sharing a room. I did a quick rough finish of my basement and moved my 24-year-old’s room down there (because who doesn’t love a classic cliche) and moved my 9th grader into his old space. This was a pre-COVID decision that ended up being a home run for what happened just a few months later.
A few years ago, our school district went to a 1:1 technology model and issued all kids 2nd grade and above Chrome books (K-1 received iPads). This decision made rolling out remote learning much easier and ensured equitability. All three of my kids have district-issued laptops and receive IT support, as well.
The kids are on Zoom calls with their teacher the first half of every class for synchronous learning and are asynchronous the second half. This gives them time to work independently on any assignments or participate in breakout groups with classmates.
Mid-Morning Routine: Lots of Snacking Happening
With me working from the dining room table, I see lots of mid-morning trips to the refrigerator happening. Every Monday I make a trip to Costco to stock up on fruit, so strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples and nectarines are readily available at all times as a healthy option. Sometimes they pick that option and sometimes they are looking for something salty. On my Costco trip, I get a box of mixed, snack-sized chips and they each can grab one of those at some point in the day. I also keep pretzels, nuts and healthy-ish granola bars stocked.
Lunch: Being Prepared Is Key
The kids all have slightly different lunchtimes, so a group lunch isn’t really an option. In order to keep my workday from being interrupted too much, I keep the refrigerator/freezer stocked with easy-prep options they can do on their own like sandwich-making materials and one-step meals. For my 11th grader, I keep mozzarella balls, basil and cherry tomatoes and he whips together a Caprese Salad or his favorite is micro Frontera Chicken Fajita Bowls from the freezer section of Costco (I swear Costco isn’t paying me). My daughter and 9th grade son love chicken mini tacos, also from Costco’s freezer section, and eat those pretty much every day.
There are several options for meal delivery that include prepared lunches for kids in Chicago, if you find yourself struggling to get creative, keep things stocked or just want to outsource that chore give one of those a try!
My kids are lucky they live in a neighborhood where their school friends are close by. We have a large open grassy area across the street from our house, so my daughter will schedule lunchtime meetups with friends for picnics. This is a nice way for her to break up the day and an excellent way to keep in-person socialization a part of her day, which is extremely important to her.
Afternoon: So Close to the Finish Line
Our afternoons are pretty easy-breezy. Once lunch happens, each of my kids only has two classes remaining. For my 11th grader, this means gym class, which has become my absolute favorite time of day. He begrudgingly ends up in the front yard doing some insane looking task that he needs one of us to film. And, we all get a good laugh (and so do neighbors and cars randomly driving by the house).
Right now, my only kid who’s doing an organized sport is my 9th grader. His high school has Cross Country, so he either rides his bike or I drive him to his 3:30-5:30 p.m. practice. He arrives with a mask on, gets his temperature checked upon arrival and they break the kids down into small groups.
My daughter typically does every sport she possibly can, but her middle school has postponed these activities and we opted out of travel soccer this year with the uncertainty. It seemed like a lot of money to pay, not knowing what the format would look like.
My 11th grader would usually do Cross Country, but he’s personally restricting his activity and staying home as much as possible.
Evening: Extremely Low-Key and Unstructured
We don’t really have a set routine for the evening hours. I let the kids kinda do their thing and unwind. I’ve noticed with the kids still getting used to the school schedule, this a lot of times means a nap for the 8th and 11th grader, while the 9th grader is at Cross Country.
I’ve been getting weekly HelloFresh deliveries for the last two years and kept this up through quarantine. This helps remove a to-do from my list and limits the amount of shopping I need to do throughout the week. I’m a huge fan of their service. I don’t eat meat and their veggie meals have introduced me to some new recipes I would’ve never thought to try. I have had a bit of trouble with their service during COVID, with them getting a lot of my meals wrong, including sending meat meals, and meals or ingredients completely missing from my box. I called to inquire because I often recommend them to our readers. Their customer service explained they weren’t prepared for the uptick in subscriptions that COVID brought and on top of that, they’ve had trouble hiring additional support since some people are afraid to return. I’m going to stick it out with them because I understand this is a hard time for a lot of companies and they’re doing their best. I appreciate that they are responsive, accept responsibility for the mistakes and work hard to explain and rectify any issues.
Pre-COVID, my ex-husband would travel weekly, so our schedule with the kids fluctuated a lot during the weekdays. He hasn’t traveled since mid-March, so we’ve been able to stick to a Monday-Monday routine. Every Monday, the kids switch houses. They prefer to stay in one house as long as possible vs. moving things back and forth frequently. We also live down the street from each other and often pop into each other’s houses for a visit. The kids come in and out of both houses regularly, so I at least get to see their faces most days.
Long before COVID, we created a family text chain that includes my ex-husband, his partner, our four kids and me. Anytime we communicate, it goes through the family chat. That way, nothing ever falls through the cracks with communication. We’re all up to speed with anything that’s going on, regardless of which house they’re at or who’s involved directly. When my oldest was away at college, this was also a great way for him to stay connected to the family and not feel like he was missing out on anything.
My three youngest kids are very close in age: 16, 14 and 13. My 16-year-old had just turned three when my 13-year-old was born, so I had three that were 3 and under. This meant I spent many years in the trenches, in total chaos, but they were extremely close and inseparable. They also spent many years in elementary school together. Which is maybe something I didn’t know to appreciate until it was gone—the comfort that comes from having them all in the same place. Knowing they saw each other throughout the day and they had that silent support and bond close by. There’s a confidence that comes from that.
Having the kids home and adjusting to the new schedules and interruptions hasn’t been easy. But, I really thoroughly enjoy seeing the impromptu interactions throughout the day that absolutely would not be happening if they were in-person learning. They are needing to lean on each other again in ways they haven’t had to do in years. Recording gym sessions for each other to submit to teachers, asking clarifying questions about new procedures and just poking their heads into each other’s “classrooms” because they want human interaction. Above all, I am grateful for this extra time with them and this opportunity they have to bond.
There’s more going on right now that we do not see behind closed doors. Marriage, relationships, and divorce are all not always easy and during a pandemic the tension and stress are high. Though every relationship is important, our main focus right now needs to be on our children and being the best role models we can be.
Right now, co-parenting peacefully is probably very difficult but very important.
Why? Because children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.
The Best Co-Parenting Strategies:
1. Communicate. Right now, there are so many things out of our hands and so much unknown, not only are you and your ex unsure of what’s going to happen, so are your children. You and your ex need to be on the same page during this time. With schools shut down and normal schedules out of question, coming up with a consistent and the most logical plans are essential. Home-schooling and day schedules should be discussed if the children switch homes during the week, make the routines as close as possible at each household. And. I get it, that’s not easy, none of this is, but as long as you two create some sort of normalcy mixed with leniency, it will create some balance for your kids.
2. Lead by (Healthy) Example. Your feelings about your ex do not have to dictate your behavior, Be a positive example and set aside strong feelings. It may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital.
3. Commit to an Open Dialogue with Your Ex. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or through face-to -ace conversation. In the beginning, it may be hard to have a civil dialogue with your ex. There are even websites where you can upload schedules, share information, and communicate so you and your ex don’t have to directly touch base. Here are a few that I recommend: Our Family Wizard, Coparently, Cozi, and Talking Parent. Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting
4. Be Consistent. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two households, but you and your ex should establish generally consistent guidelines. They should be mutually agreed upon for both households. For example, mealtime, bedtime, and completing homework need to be consistent. This helps create a sense of belonging and creates a sense of security and predictability for children.
5. Release the Negativity. Instead of talking negatively about your ex, commit to positive talk in both households no matter what the circumstances. With so much instability right now, positivity in your household is essential. Children want to feel safe, the negative reactions you have for one another must be kept between you two if must.
6. Agree on Discipline. Don’t give in to the guilt and try and outdo your ex by gifting you child with things, instead agree on discipline—behavioral guidelines, rewards, and consequences for raising your children so that there’s consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they’re with at any given time. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.
7. Be Flexible and Update Each Other Often. If there are changes at home, in your life, It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.
8. Speak in a Positive Language about Your Ex. Remember, oftentimes marriage is what was the issue, not the parenting style. Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent. Remember to recognize the different traits you and your ex have—and reinforce this awareness with your children. The repercussions of co-parenting conflict? Children exposed to conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD.
9. Keep Conversations Kid-focused.
10. Pick and Choose Your Battles with Your Ex. Yes, discuss important decisions about school or health, but what time your child goes to bed whether at 8 p.m. in one house vs. 8:30 in another or when they take a bath in the morning or the evening is not important so try to let that go. Focus on the bigger issues. In fact, this teaches your child flexibility.
Transitions:
Be timely.
Help children anticipate change. Remind the kids they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house for a day or two before the visit. Have a visual calendar that is up and helps for the anticipation.
Pack their special stuffed toy or photograph. Some parents will have security blankets or the same stuffies at each house or one that goes between households.
The exchange should be quick and positive.
When your child returns refrain from asking a lot of questions. Have a consistent activity or pre-planned activity that was on the calendar planned, so they know what to expect when they return.
Reena B. Patel (LEP, BCBA) is a renowned parenting expert, guidance counselor, licensed educational psychologist, and board-certified behavior analyst. Patel has had the privilege of working with families and children, supporting all aspects of education and positive wellness; recently nominated for San Diego Magazine’s Woman of the Year
