ML Interest Tag: feel-proud

4 Steps to Emerge from “Mommy Rut”

By Ruthi Davis

Dear Confessional,

I don’t think it’s a mid-life crisis moment that I went through, although some may say it could sound similar. I wasn’t depressed, I don’t think. I wasn’t sad in any way. Maybe bored a bit? Confused perhaps? Contemplating in some way. Whatever you want to call it, I was re-awakening, re-defining, re-evaluating, and emerging from my chrysalis as a new version of my former self. Yes, that’s the way I would describe it exactly.

The more that I speak to other moms, the more that I come to understand that this peculiar phase in motherhood is all too well shared, but often not verbalized. The term that I have coined for this strange, often temporary cloud, is the “Mommy Rut.”

Many of us have experienced some essence of this period. From lively 20-something year olds, we generally have a clear vision of our profession and then work our academic and professional lives until we get there. Marriage and babies enter the picture in a beautiful way, but then everything changes.

New moms are typically unprepared or forewarned for the way that parenthood reshapes a marriage, your personality, your long-term plan whether as a stay-at-home mom or returning to work. Balancing mommy life and wife-life, not to mention putting work on hiatus or returning a bit more exhausted and distracted, can take quite a toll. The sleep deprivation and cold meals, leftovers from the kids’ plates, or even eating standing up may not be how you would have envisioned this parenting scenario, even if you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Then just when you think that you’ve mastered your daily routine enough to leave the house before lunchtime and/or getting your bundle of kids to school on time, this new wave slams into you, head on.

Identifying the “Mommy Rut”

One morning, I returned home from dropping the kids off at school and realized that I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I stopped smiling and laughing as much because I was so focused on keeping the kids safe, well-fed, on time, and house in order. I felt like a robot or drill sergeant. I didn’t have time for me. I didn’t look at myself anymore because it didn’t matter. Everything was about the kids, my husband, and my home.

When I finally did look in the mirror, I realized that I needed to re-focus and re-awaken out of this mom-fog. I wasn’t sad, and I wasn’t regretful even one molecule—perhaps I was a shell of former myself who was going through the motions, but not fulfilling my dreams, feeling energized, or really loving and accepting myself inside and out… because I didn’t have the time or the mental clarity. I was a semblance of myself without a “whole” definition.

That’s when I woke up and realized that I was in the midst of “Mommy Rut,” even in my 30-something years.

Taking Action

This was my chrysalis moment. I needed to do some deep soul-searching to figure out who I truly wanted to become and then devise a plan to make it happen. Something deep inside of me was itchy, and I didn’t know where to begin to change it, so I simply made this mental list and went from there.

Personal:

One thing was for certain—my mom-bod just didn’t do it for me. I wanted my 20-something vibe back. I wanted to look at myself and see the best version of me. So I did.

  • I started by not being the human garbage disposal (GDS syndrome) and was more careful about what I put into my mouth. Every extra handful counts!
  • I made myself a priority too and made sure that my meals were warm and sitting down. I ate more often and in smaller portions. My mouthfuls were nutritionally meaningful—not a handful of emotional carb-stuffing to justify a mom time-out.
  • I dressed to impress MYSELF, even if my 20-something fashion evolved a bit since. I wanted to feel good about who I saw in the mirror, inside and out. * I rallied myself around a great group of mom friends from the kids’ school and made it a point to be social. After all, girl friends are the best people to relate. They just get it—and it feels good to not feel like you’re on an island of mommy moments.
  • I became more active and joined Zumba. Not only did I love the excuse for an extra social hour, but I also toned up and got to get my jam on.

Fun Mom:

Perhaps the most disgruntling feeling was not feeling fun anymore. I know I can be, but somehow along the way I lost it a little when my main focus was keeping the peace, and maintaining health and safety of the troop. I felt more like a crossing guard/cafeteria monitor than a fun parent. Something had to change.

  • I stopped raising my voice so much. I allowed the children to make mistakes and earn consequences that were there’s alone. My tone remained supportive, centered, and loving. I stopped being a Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde parent.
  • I put my phone down and engaged more.
  • I put the dishes and laundry away later so that I could be more present.
  • I created personal projects with the children so we could have special moments together and feel proud.
  • I played more music in the house, and we all danced more. We stopped living in a glass house.
  • We cooked together more, and the kids were given more responsibilities to feel engaged, helpful, and appreciated.
  • I spent more time with each child before bedtime to talk about every detail from the day.

Marriage Boost:

Every marriage goes through exciting waves of intimacy and emotional connection, and also hits a few lulls along the way. Those lulls seem to lend to a lot of butting heads too. Sometimes the inside rut causes a stale vibe with others too. I needed to get out of the funk and feel sexy and supportive again.

  • I stopped creating expectations for how I would do things, and stepped back. I became more appreciative and thankful.
  • I offered ways for my husband to succeed with the children, instead of criticizing.
  • I opened up more about my anxieties, fears, concerns, and leaned on my best friend, husband, for support.
  • Intimacy became often and incredible, and so we connected more in the everyday.
  • We began messaging each other encouraging and loving notes throughout the day.

Professional Prowess:

I loved my number one job of being a total full-time mom. I’m not complaining at all, but honestly, that former part of myself that dressed up for work and felt professional with real adults using big vocabulary was missing a bit. I wanted to do something that was just mine, just for me. I needed to make a plan for a professional role that wouldn’t get in the way of my main, most important job of parenting, availability, and flexibility for the kids.

  • I redefined my honest and deep professional aspirations. I spoke to peers and friends, and discovered new ideas.
  • I made a plan and began in small steps. I focused only on the tasks for that day and made sure to conquer them, one step and a time.
  • I took chances. I constantly risked rejection and put myself out on the line, over and over again. My passion for my profession drives and compels me to be unstoppable, whether I win some or loose some.
  • My vision started to become realized and grow, expand. I was finally chasing—and catching—my dream job.

Effects of Digging Out

Something incredible started to happen over the last couple of months. I started to smile again. I started to laugh whole-heartedly. I started to feel happy, sexy, proud, fulfilled, and loved—not just by those who surrounded me—but by my own person. My family feels it too.

You see, I emerged from that chrysalis. I opened my eyes from that mom-fog—“Mommy Rut”—and rediscovered myself again. There was no more guilt, no more frustration, no more discomfort in action or inaction, and no self-doubt. I felt free, and it feels right. I was succeeding in every facet, because I defined my needs, made a plan, made the change, and started to feel whole once again.

Test it out and make a plan. You deserve to look, feel, and be your best. Love yourself, and you will then find the ability to love everyone else with your entire core.  As for me, I am proud to settle in my new butterfly suit… and soar.   

with Love,

Ruthi

Ruthi Davis is a the Founder of Ruth Davis Consulting LLC with over two decades of success in advertising/marketing, media/publicity, business development, client relations, and organizational optimization for a variety of clients. Ruthi is a proud mom and influencer in the parenting and family market as founder of the Superfly Supermom brand.

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These Moms Covered an Airport Lactation Station with the Best Notes of Encouragement

by Erica Loop

Forget about mom-shaming. The mamas who visit NYC’s LaGuardia Airport’s Mamava lactation pod are each other’s biggest cheerleaders.

When The Wing CEO/first visibly pregnant woman on the cover of a magazine/new mommy, Audrey Gelman, recently visited the pod she snapped a pic of something totally unexpected. There were dozens of sticky notes on the pod’s interior, all offering words of wisdom and encouragement.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B5qWAGEh5WQ

The photo, which Gelman recently posted on Instagram, shows notes that read everything from, “What you are doing is Beyond Amazing” to, “Thank you to Mamava pods! And thank you mammas for all these messages. We are amazing!!”

Gelman captioned the photo with her thoughts on motherhood and this awesome action, “All of a sudden i felt flooded—the intensity of new motherhood, the stress of running a business i never thought would grow this fast —and the pressure i put on myself to do it all perfectly.” She continued, “The notes were sappy but they were the only things i needed to read in that moment. “You are enough,” “it gets better,” “feel proud of yourself for what you’ve created.” Those simple messages of encouragement and the recognition that so many have been through this before made me feel less alone.”

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: Audrey Gelman via Instagram 

 

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Let’s Talk about Sext(ing)—& Why You Should with Your Kids, Too

By Doreen Dodgen-Magee

The sending and receiving of sexually charged images and words via digital devices—a.k.a. “sexting”—is a relatively common practice amongst young people. Parents, having grown up amongst different norms, often feel lost in how to help their children navigate digital waters that will include such communiques. 

Children will be exposed to the reality of sexting long before most parents imagine and are greatly benefitted by talking about the issue prior to exposure. Here are some tips for how to discuss sexting in your home.

Have body-positive, non-shaming conversations. 

It’s easy to let anxiety or fear drive conversations around sex and sexting. Our children, however, need us to be able to regulate our own emotions so that we can make space for theirs. Need a script? Try out this conversation: 

“As you text with friends, you are likely to receive some that make you feel all sorts of ways. Words and pictures might be sent that make you feel sort of excited and also weird. Some of these might include naked photos or comments related to sex. You might even find yourself wanting to send texts like these. This is pretty normal. I’d love to help you think through how you want to handle the temptation to send sexts as well as what you want to do when you receive them.” 

Such caring language can be a huge help in keeping the conversations going. 

Have these conversations now. 

Late elementary school-aged children will encounter sexting sooner than most adults imagine. Helping them be prepared can go a long way in how they handle the challenges related to both.

Help children understand impulsivity. 

The ease of sharing via devices makes impulse control especially important. In the realm of sexting (and online communication in general) helping children learn and practice a pause before sending or responding to texts is a huge gift.

Here’s another helpful script to get your kids thinking about how they’d respond: 

“Let’s pretend it’s the middle of the night and you have your phone. Friends who are having a sleepover begin sending you photos of themselves with little or no clothes on and dare you to do the same. You’re feeling pretty excited that they chose you to send messages to and you are also excited about how they might respond. You don’t want to seem like a loser. What are some ideas of how to act in this situation?” 

Brainstorming some responses will give them tools when the time comes that they need them.

Watch how you speak about others. 

Practice non-judgmental awareness. Our kids are watching us. When they hear us put people down for behaviors that they themselves may have engaged in or been tempted to engage in, they get the clear message that we will put them down as well. 

If you learn of a sexting “scandal,” be careful not to shame the parties involved. Use the situation, instead, to talk through critical thinking skills and decision making with your child.

Find someone safe to talk with so you can do the above. 

None of this is easy. The easy options, in fact, are to put our heads in the sand and to make unrealistic demands upon our children to simply resist and obey. When we have places where we can be supported and cared for as we ourselves navigate these murky waters, we will be much more able to suspend our own reactivity in order to educate and nurture our children through approaches and missteps to sexual exploration on- and offline. 

Resist the temptation to believe that everyone else’s children are perfect and have never struggled! Instead, find those who can share authentically with you and who will support you as you, in turn, support your child.

Basically, children need to know that their bodies are wonderful, that it makes sense that they feel proud of them and that it is important to thoroughly think through what might happen if they share naked or provocative images of themselves. 

They need to feel that adults understand their sexual impulse and exploration, acknowledge the “normalcy” of enticing online sexuality and that we want to help them navigate this reality in their lives. We also want them to know we are not afraid of these realities and will not overreact if they find themselves in a bind. We want them to come to us, even if they’ve made a misstep—especially if they’ve made a misstep. We want to be their loving resource.

More than ever, children need parents who will help them navigate. They need to know that parents and other caring adults are in touch with the new norms in culture and will be able to handle their own feelings well enough to help them deal with the unbelievable and never-before-navigated waters of life in this time. 

For them to believe they can come to you when they have made a mistake, they must know you will be able to tolerate the discomfort without becoming discombobulated or shaming them.

Doreen Dodgen-Magee
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

doreen dodgen-magee is a psychologist, author, & speaker who thinks about how technology is shaping people. Her book, Deviced! Balancing Life & Technology in a Digital Age was awarded the 2018 Gold Nautilus Award for Psychology & has been featured in the New York Times, Time Magazine, & the Washington Post. 

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5 Creative Ways to Unlock Your Child’s Potential

By Isabel William

While it’s easy to think that you have to be born good learner to be one, that is not entirely true. Although the child’s individual predispositions to education and personality play a vital role in developing their approach to learning, with good learning habits and proper motivation, any student can become a good learner. However, the mistake many parents often make is they rely solely on the teacher as the only source of instruction instead of extending their academic growth outside the classroom. Parents are the first teachers to their children, and as such, they have the task to make the most of the time they spend with their kids and use it to support their children’s learning at home. To get you started, here’s a list of five creative ways for increasing your child’s motivation and boosting their academic achievement. Let’s take a look at these clever and useful tips.

 

1. Help Them Discover Their Learning Style

When it comes to knowledge acquisition, every child has their preferences, and discovering which learning style best suits them is the first step towards boosting their academic performance. While some students learn using one st‌yle which is dominant, others prefer a blend of different learning st‌yles. Since the one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work when it comes to education, and there are no rules on how to combine different learning st‌yles, it’d be best if your child would try different learning st‌yles and opt for one(s) that best suit their needs. Some individuals best learn by relying on visual aids such as pictures and images while others prefer the hands-on approach to learning. And while some students acquire knowledge faster when they’re working in groups or with other individuals, others learn better when they study alone. Help your child discover which of the seven learning st‌yles best fit them so they start using the proper learning techniques to ensure fast, quality study time.

 

2. Emphasize the Value of Education

Teaching your child how important education is for them and their future is another step you can take to ensure they have the proper motivation. Even though the knowledge and information they get at school is a great starting point, you need to understand that education begins at home, and the attitude you have towards education will rub off on your kids and influence their way of perceiving education. When you have a positive approach to education and constantly emphasize how important it is, you can expect your children to adopt the same attitude, which will determine their educational success later on. And even if there are some obstacles that can impede progress such as finances, nowadays there are a number of girls scholarships that are being given to families who lack resources to ensure everyone has an equal chance at education and success.

 

3. Help Them Stay Organized to Boost Their Motivation

Designing a space that is well-organized and reserved only for learning can be a great way to boost your child’s motivation for learning and help them feel like they’re in control. Even though disorganization is common among youngsters, with some practical tips and organizational skills, your child can master the art of organizing their supplies and assignments, and grow up to become a well-organized, responsible individual. Optimize their study space by incorporating all the necessary elements and equipment and removing any distractions, and arrange a time in a day that they’ll study to ensure they always study at the same place and at the same time.

 

4. Encourage Your Child to Pursue Interests and Subjects They Enjoy

Showing enthusiasm for the subjects your child has expressed interest in is a great way to provide additional motivation and boost their academic performance. If you notice that there is something your child is particularly fascinated by, encourage them to further pursue their interest and gain more knowledge about that certain topic. When a child is eager to learn more about one subject in particular, the whole learning process becomes so much easier since the child doesn’t need any external motivators to engage in learning. If they are interested in one animal in particular, say giraffes, find a way to occupy their mind and encourage them to find out more about them. Find a book about giraffes and read to them, and after that, ask them to explain what they’ve just learned.

 

5. Celebrate Their Successes and Achievements

Recognizing the achievements and successes of your child and celebrating them is one of the most effective ways to increase their motivation and make them feel good about themselves. Sometimes, even the smallest yet sincere praises go a long way in making a child feel proud of their achievements, and the younger the kid, the more praises they should be given in order to provide positive reinforcement and boost their motivation. If your child managed to finish a project on time and earned a good grade, treat them to their favorite ice cream or let them play video games for another hour. That way, they’ll feel inspired to keep up the good work and challenge themselves to do even better next time.

There are so many things you can do to ensure the academic success of your child. Use the tips above to motivate your child to learn and help them fulfill their potential.

 

 

Isabel William is consultant by day and a blogger by night and Mom to twins 24/7.

Area of interest includes education, well being, mental health, as well as self-improvement. 

Considered by her peers a lifetime educator, whose passion is love for writing and helping people, parenting, education and science.

 

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This Video of an NBA Player Shooting Hoops with His 1-Year-Old Is Too Much

by Shahrzad Warkentin

Nothing warms you up for game day quite like chasing a one-year-old on the basketball court. NBA player and dad, Russell Westbrook took his son, Noah, to work and we’re pretty sure he wins MVP for cuteness.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsyDgSRFQLg/

The Oklahoma City Thunder point guard brought his pint-sized trainer to the court a little pre-game warm-up where they took turns assisting each other’s baskets, which in Noah’s case were provided by dad’s arms forming a circle to shoot the ball through.

Fans praised the adorable video, which the team posted on Twitter, pointing out that Westbrook is a great dad and role model. Being a dad clearly inspires Westbrook in his career, the point guard recently unveiled his new athletic shoe collab with Nike Jordan and was proud to announce that the shoe, which Noah modeled, comes in full family sizing, “so every athlete, no matter their age, has a shoe they feel proud to play in.”

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured photo: Russell Westbrook via Instagram

 

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Your Guide to Safe Sleep for Baby

by Kelley Gardiner

You’ve probably heard that “back is best” and bumpers are better left out of cribs. But according to a new study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, many parents don’t follow safe sleep recommendations — especially in the middle of the night. Even when advised of the risks and knowing they were being videotaped, parents put their children to sleep in a non-recommended way. We all want what’s best for our babies, but we’re also all exhausted. Here, we’ve got a reminder of the basics for safe baby sleep, and a couple of ideas for how to keep up your resolve when all you want is for the kid to sleep for five more minutes.

photo: Caitlin Regan via flickr

Back to Sleep
Place babies to sleep on their backs. Yes, you went to sleep on your stomach, and you survived (or so Mom tells you), but the best research we have available says back is best. Make sure any babysitters know to place your little one on their back to go to sleep. When baby can roll over by herself, put her on her back to start, and stop swaddling.

Clutter-free Crib
Babies should sleep on a flat, firm mattress. Cribs and other sleeping environments like bassinets should be kept free of stuffed toys, pillows, loose blankets and bumpers. Those bumpers that get handed down might be cute, but keep them for the doll crib. They aren’t safe. Sleep experts say that just because products are sold in stores doesn’t mean that they’re safe for your little one, surprisingly, and hand-me-downs may have been recalled or no longer recommended for use.

Sleeping with baby
Talk to your pediatrician if you’re planning on co-sleeping. In the AAP safe sleep study, bringing your baby to bed in the middle of the night was very common, and often done without letting the other parent know Baby is there, and without having a safe sleeping environment prepared.

Sleeping with baby on a couch is especially dangerous according to studies, so make a plan on how to stay awake during late-night feeding sessions (Netflix and nurse, anyone?). Yes, it’s cute when Baby and Dad fall asleep together, but give Dad a nudge to wake him up, or pick up your baby gently and put him down in a safe place.

photo: Pixabay

The takeaway? Parents are tired, and they want their babies to sleep. Parents are much more likely to put their children to sleep in their own beds, or on their stomachs, after getting up with the baby at least once. We get that! Sleep deprivation does not make for rational decision-making at 2 a.m. What can you do?

Make it easy on yourself and baby. Consider keeping a safe sleep environment in your bedroom where you can feed, change and check on your bundle as needed during the night without too much fuss and hassle.

Get as much rest as possible. If you take naps during the day, you’re less likely to be exhausted at night. We roll our eyes sometimes at “sleep when the baby sleeps,” especially when you have older kids, but instituting a personal naptime is not out of line.

Don’t be afraid to move baby after they’ve fallen asleep somewhere unsafe. If they fall asleep on the couch, move them. Yes, they might wake up, which seems like the worst possible outcome at the time, but trust that they’ll make up for it later.

Ask your pediatrician before trying something new. Dr. Google suggests a sleep positioner, or sleeping on a wedge, and you just want the reflux (screaming) to get better. We’re been there. But make a quick call or email to your doctor or nurse on call before trying something beyond the recommended firm, flat sleeping surface.

Ask for help if you need it. Being exhausted and barely able to function isn’t something you should have to suck up and push through. Sleep when you can, and if you’re breastfeeding, consider asking a partner to bottle-feed during the night if you’re having trouble making it through. Even if you had planned to breastfeed exclusively, you can feel proud of making the best choice for your baby.

What’s your favorite baby sleep advice? Let us know in the comments!

—Kelley Gardiner

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Cool Chalkboards For Kids Like Never Before

by Erin Lem

Below are some fabulous ideas on how to get creative with your kids and chalkboards. Yes, chalkboards! While dry erase boards and computers may have taken away some if its former glory, chalkboards are fighting back with some uber cool products ready to make an afternoon full of fun, imaginative art projects with the kids! The chalkboard products below range from around $15 to $65 and will keep your kiddos entertained for years to come.

Chalkboard wall stickers
Wall Candy Arts is the place to shop for chalkboard wall designs galore!  Not only can your kid decorate and re-decorate his or her own wall, these chalkboard stickers are peel off and stick on, and also reusable! Talk about convenient. No need for the same old, square chalkboard, now you can draw chalk on play houses, animals, and guitars!
Online: wallcandyarts.com

Chalkboard picture frames
Chalkboard picture frames are a great way to decorate the house and your kids’ rooms while involving the youngsters in the process. Buying or making a chalkboard picture frame allows kids to create their own decoration for the frame and, at the same time, feel proud and excited about the work hanging on their walls! This is a great arts and crafts project for a slow afternoon.
Online: chasing-fireflies.com

Chalkboard calender
As your kids get older and you find yourself having to remind them of their activities day in and out, it may be time to give them a calendar they’ll never miss looking at. This chalk board calendar not only gives a creative flare to your kid’s room, but also gets them involved in their own time management and teaches them how to use a calendar correctly.
Online: etsy.com

Paint your own chalkboard!
If you’d like to make your own designs, don’t fret – you can easily make your own by using chalkboard paint! With Rust-oleum‘s chalkboard paint, you can chalk to your liking. Try giving the kids free reign in their own rooms by painting the entire wall, or a large strip all the way around the room, with chalkboard paint, turning the room into an art-free-for-all! Your kids and their friends are sure to stay entertained for hours with so much creative space!
Online: rustoleum.com

— Jessica Abelson

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