ML Interest Tag: parenting-advice

Best Holiday Gifts for New Moms & Moms-to-Be

by Eva Ingvarson Cerise

From new mom must-haves like a glider and bassinet to thoughtful ways to treasure her pregnancy and baby, these are the holiday gifts that top pregnant and new moms’ wish lists. Self-care treats, stylish (and practical!) fashion, even mom-friendly recipes; you’ll find them all here.

New Parent Wisdom Book from Impart

$50+ BUY NOW

Family and friends contribute parenting advice and supportive messages that are then bound into this beautiful keepsake books for first-time parents. Share family traditions, words of encouragement, favorite quotes and best wishes for the new parents.

Cozy-Up 2-in-1 Bedside Sleeper & Bassinet from Skip Hop

$200 BUY NOW

As a bedside sleeper, there's a door panel that lets parents lean over to nurse, provide comfort and gaze at that beautiful sleeping face. In bassinet mode, baby has a cozy sleep spot, and pivot-and-lock wheels let you move the bed between rooms.

Cozy Earth rib knit bamboo lounge pant grey

Women’s Rib-Knit Bamboo Lounge Pant

$109 BUY NOW

You will live in these rib-knit lounge pants (with pockets!) as you nest with your baby. The fabric is viscose from bamboo, meaning it's super soft, drapes like a dream and is moisture-wicking to regulate body temperature. The line also comes in dresses, shorts, capris and tops.

Birth Boxes from Fourth Phase

$150-165 BUY NOW

Kits include a belly wrap, body butter, nipple cream, a hot and cold compress, a journal, massager, tea, postpartum panties, pads and more. The products are organic, non-toxic, cruelty-free, sustainably sourced and free from phthalates.

How to Eat with One Hand by Christine Flynn & Emma Knight

$18 BUY NOW

Recipes are grouped into cravings (hamburger, spicy noodles), freezer meals to thaw post-baby (curry chicken, turkey chili), what you can prepare while holding a baby (chia pudding, tacos), dishes your child will eat (pancakes, beans & rice), home economics (play dough, finger paint), and family-friendly basics (pizza dough, roasted applesauce).

The Short Film from Little Laughter Films

$150 BUY NOW

Turn those magical maternity or new-parent moments into a professionally edited film to share with family and treasure forever. Send in up to 75 video clips to Little Laughter Films and they will produce an edited 1- to 2-minute custom video.

Limited-Edition-Print Nursing Pillows & Carriers from Boppy

$15+ BUY NOW

If you're looking for baby gear with a specific aesthetic or you just don't want to look like every other mama, check out Boutique by Boppy for exclusive products and limited-edition prints for nursing pillows and baby carriers.

Planetary Photo Blanket & Milestone Set from Little Unicorn

$25 BUY NOW

Your Instagram photos will be out of this world with this muslin photo blanket set. Artisan illustrations and high-quality milestone cards for up to 2 years old make this set stand out from the crowd.

3-in-1 Baby Cover from Quilbie

$70 BUY NOW

Block light and reduce sounds with this water-repellent car seat cover. Use it all year round to keep out rain, light, cold, wind, UV rays, heat, bugs, germs and more. It attaches to your car seat handle and provides 100% blackout light blocking.

Mama Slogan Hooded Sweater from MORI

$64.50 BUY NOW

Cover your bump or breastfeed in this cozy, oversize hooded sweater. Snaps on the front open for nursing access, and the generous fit accommodates a growing bump. The blush pink color has the words beautiful-powerful-brave on the neckline, while the black version reads MORI mama club. Comes in S-L.

New Moms Rock gift basket from Bite Society

$295 BUY NOW

If your favorite new moms aren't the traditional type, they'll appreciate this gift basket full of practical new-mom items and decadent treats just for her. The basket includes a Born to Raise Hell onesie and matching coffee mug, which is on autofill with Bite Society's Ethiopian Coffee.

Parenting Pack R1 by Beau Industries

$125 BUY NOW

This dad-friendly backpack is a neutral black and comes with a fold-up changing pad, exterior wipes pocket, padded nine-pocket organizer and two insulated water-resistant pouches for bottles.

Lockable Storage Containers from Ally

$85 BUY NOW

Lock away your meds, valuables, favorite snacks or anything else you want to keep away from your curious kids (we won't judge). These storage containers are small enough that you can tuck them in a drawer but cute enough to display.

The Rise Necklace from Love Talla

$170 BUY NOW

What makes the Rise necklace unique is that the pendant is crafted from the fingerprint of your partner or new baby. Comes in silver, yellow gold or rose gold.

The Swivel Glider & Ottoman from Nurture&

$699 BUY NOW

This glider is super comfortable, thanks to the included lumbar pillow and the matching ottoman, sold separately. It looks sleek and has a small footprint so it works in compact spaces. Comes in gray or ivory.

Talli Baby One-Touch Tracker from Talli

$100 BUY NOW

Log feedings, diaper changes, sleep, nursing, pumping and more with this one-touch tracker. It syncs with the company's app so you can monitor baby's routine and give quick answers to the pediatrician's questions.

Deliberately Minimal Diaper Bag from Kibou

$79+ BUY NOW

Store 20+ wipes (or soiled items) in the waterproof pocket. The detachable changing pad unfolds from the exterior pocket. You'll fit a lot more than you think, and you can wear it around your waist or on your shoulder.

—Eva Ingvarson Cerise

Editor’s Note: Prices and availability reflect the time of publication. Images courtesy of retailers.

If you purchase something from the links in this article, we may earn affiliate commission or compensation.

 

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News Flash: Being Away from Your Baby Won’t Break Them

By Jen Lumanlan

Attachment.

If you follow popular parenting advice, you’ll know that being attached to your baby is important. If you spend too many hours apart from your baby (umm…daycare?), they might not get attached to you. If you don’t respond every time they cry, you might ‘break’ them. And if your child isn’t attached to you, then Bad Things Happen. They might not be happy as adults. They might not be able to have good relationships with others. They might even become delinquents or criminals—and certainly not responsible members of society who go to the right schools and get a good job.

But I spent weeks reviewing scientific research on attachment, and what I learned was pretty shocking. It turns out that the way popular parenting advice describes attachment actually isn’t based on the scientific research about attachment. It just cherry-picks the parts that sound most like they fit with our ideas about motherhood so we won’t question it.

So let’s dig into the evidence.  But first, let’s do a quick review of what attachment is—because I’m betting it’s not what you think it is.

What is attachment?

Dr. John Bowlby first used the term “attachment” to describe relationships between babies and their mothers, and he actually chose the word because it was easy for parents to get attached to, as it were. Who wouldn’t want something that sounds so much like snuggling and closeness and bonding? But Bowlby was really sloppy in his use of the word—psychologist Dr. Michael Rutter noticed that Bowlby used it in at least four ways: to describe internal mental states as well as relationships.

Another problem was that (now famous) Dr. Bill and his wife Martha Sears had developed some ideas that weren’t based in scientific research but that needed a positive name. They used Attachment Parenting “because it was so well researched and documented.” Attachment Parenting had little in common with Attachment Theory, but because Bowlby had been so loose with his own descriptions, the name stuck.

And it turns out that even the research has a lot of problems.

Separation may lead to bad outcomes (or not)…

One of Bowlby’s very earliest studies looked at 44 children who had been caught stealing, and compared these to 44 children who had problems but hadn’t stolen anything. He noticed that 12 of the thieves had had experiences of early separation from their parents compared with four of the other children, and thought that being separated from their parents led the thieves to have a low sense of empathy and self-worth.

Hearing this might make you want to never leave your child alone again, but much later in his life Bowlby acknowledged two really important issues. First, he didn’t mention that he had mixed up all kinds of separations into this one category: “separations” included everything from sleeping in their own bedroom to being sent to an orphanage, which means it’s almost impossible to draw any real conclusions from this data.

And second, separations weren’t the only traumas these children had experienced. Many of them had also suffered physical and sexual abuse, which wasn’t reported at all in the original paper.

So the foundation for all of the research on separations between parents and children that followed was highly flawed—and nobody knew it at the time. All we knew was that “separations” had strong links to negative outcomes for children—so no wonder parents were afraid.

Using daycare may lead to bad outcomes (or not)…

Bowlby also spent decades talking about the mother as the infant’s primary caregiver – one of his early texts said “little will be said of the father-child relation; his value as the economic and emotional support of the mother will be assumed.” He went on to write that a child will “attach himself especially to one figure,” and since the father was irrelevant, that figure must be the mother.

If we believe that the mother’s relationship with the baby is sacred, then daycare becomes virtually intolerable. Bowlby himself wrote that ““to deprive a small child of his mother’s companionship is as bad as depriving him of vitamins.” I reviewed the effects of daycare on children and the research base does not support Bowlby’s ideas. In fact, if daycare or preschool reduce stress for the mother and/or allow her to return to a job she enjoys, the net benefit of daycare and preschool is likely positive.  Unless your child is in daycare for more than about 70 hours a week—much more than most children—and is spending nights away from home, being in daycare is unlikely to affect their relationship with you.

Very late in his life Bowlby acknowledged that the the attachment system “contributes to the individual’s survival by keeping him or her in touch with one or more caregivers” (note the S on the end of “caregivers”), but this time the damage was done: A mother’s place was in the home with the child.

Parents: Relax!

So what can we learn from all of this? Well, we can remember that Attachment Parenting isn’t the same as Attachment Theory, and only the first one has any scientific research behind it at all. Being separated from your child—even if they are spending a full working week in daycare—is unlikely to lead to your attachment relationship being disrupted. And even if the attachment relationship is disrupted, it doesn’t necessarily lead directly to bad outcomes. The majority of children who don’t have a secure attachment relationship with a parent go on to do quite well in life, and even those who do don’t have an assured outcome. So we can all relax a bit, knowing that we’re doing the best we can with the skills we have, and for the majority of babies, this is probably just right.

RELATED:
What It Means When Your Child Prefers the Other Parent
Why I Hate Modern Motherhood

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

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Now Hear This: Top Pregnancy & Parenting Podcasts You’ll Love

by Katie L. Carroll

Podcasts are hands-free entertainment you can listen to while doing almost anything, or, in the case of a tired  mama, while doing absolutely nothing. If you’re looking for the best pregnancy podcast, health and parenting advice or smart talk from people who get it, subscribe to these. And the next time you’re driving, folding laundry or grocery shopping, pop in those earbuds or slip on some headphones and listen up!

photo: StockSnap via Pixabay 

1. Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled
Hosted by parenting advisor, best-selling author and consultant Janet Lansbury, this thoughtful podcast tackles parenting issues through the lens a respectful parenting philosophy. Respect, trust and love are the focus as she addresses questions sent in by parents.

Find out more: https://www.janetlansbury.com/podcast-audio/

Available on iOS and Stitcher, free.

2. The Mommy Labor Nurse Podcast
You’ll head into pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood more prepared and informed thanks to this podcast. Run by a labor and delivery nurse who’s also a mom of two, the podcast features her tackling pregnancy-related topics and interviewing experts on all sorts of mom-related topics. Tune in also for amazing birth stories.

Find out more: https://mommylabornurse.com/podcast-episodes/

Available on iOS and Stitcher, free.

3. The Suga Podcast
Billed as a brown mama’s guide to the sweet life, this podcast is hosted by actress and producer Tika Sumpter and Thai Randolph, EVP and general manager of the Laugh Out Loud network. Equal parts sisterhood and motherhood, the podcast tackles everything from fertility issues and mental health to owning your voice and spiritual growth.

Find out more: https://sugaberry.com/the_suga

Available on iOS, Stitcher and Spotify, free.

4. Pregnancy Pukeology Podcast
Dr. PukeNoMo candidly discusses all those burning, nauseating and uncomfortable pregnancy questions. She offers up information about the science of pregnancy and natural remedies for alleviating pregnancy symptoms. Most episodes are well under 30 minutes, so they’re the perfect digestible bite.

Find out more: https://nomonausea.com/pages/pukeology-podcast

Available on iTunes, PlayerFM, SoundCloud and Stitcher, free.

5. The Birth Hour
Women share their empowering, informative birth stories in The Birth Hour. Each episode is one mom’s birth story, with all the touching and funny details. Whether a hospital or home birth, a long labor or a short one, these first-hand accounts reveal the wonder of childbirth.

Find out more: https://thebirthhour.com/

Available on iTunes and Stitcher, free.

6. Baby in the House
A pediatrician and a pediatric psychotherapist, Phil Boucher, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, cohost this informative podcast that tackles all the tough questions about babies and parenting, from discipline and screen time to to potty training and sleep. With eight kids between them, these hosts know what they’re talking about.

Find out more: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/baby-in-the-house/id1523493654

Available on iOS, free.

photo: rinfoto0 via Pixabay

7. Mum Talk
Lifestyle blogger and yoga teacher Emma Jaulin hosts this charming podcast. She chats with guests and experts about pregnancy and parenting, as well as sharing her personal journey from being pregnant to her life as a new mom.

Find out more: https://www.emmajaulin.com/

Available on iTunes and PlayerFM, free.

8. Babes & Babies
If you like your parenting podcast with a taste of celebrity, this one is for you. Hosted by two moms and a doula—who also happen to be Bachelor stars Jade Roper, Carly Waddell and Elizabeth Sandoz—this podcast keeps it real with a touch of humor. The hosts dish with each other and their guests about pregnancy, motherhood and being a woman.

Find out more: https://babesandbabies.libsyn.com/

Available on iTunes, PlayerFM and Stitcher, free.

9. First Class Fatherhood
Let’s not forget about the dads! Father of four Alec Lace seeks to set the record straight about modern fatherhood. Interviews with high-profile dads, from NFL players to actors to Navy SEALS, give an inside look at the role of fathers and the impact they have on their children.

Find out more: https://firstclassfatherhood.com/

Available on iTunes, PlayerFM and Stitcher, free.

photo: qazyamyam0 via Pixabay 

10. Scummy Mummies
For those who want to laugh out loud, check out the award-winning and wildly popular Scummy Mommies podcast. It is hosted by comedians Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorn. The funny ladies and their guests discuss pregnancy and parenting with a wicked sense of humor.

Find out more: http://www.scummymummies.com/

Available on iTunes and PlayerFM, free.

11. Parenting Great Kids
Dr. Meg Meeker is a pediatrician, author and speaker with 30 years of experience. She knows that happy and healthy parents make for better ones. Parenting is hard and she’s here to answer your questions, offer advice and talk to experts with the goal of empowering parents.

Find out more: https://www.megmeekermd.com/podcasts/

Available on iTunes, PlayerFM and Stitcher, free.

12. Parenting Bytes
With the rise of the Internet and social media, the digital landscape has changed so much since today’s parents were kids. Parenting Bytes confronts the unique challenges that come with parenting in the digital age, covering topics like screen time, digital safety and the latest technology to help raise your children.

Find out more: https://parentingbytes.com/

Available on iTunes, PlayerFM and Stitcher, free.

13. Zen Parenting Radio
Married couple Cathy and Todd Adams are self-help advocates and parents of three daughters. Her emotional approach and his analytical one offer the perfect balance to guide parents to reach a higher level of self-understanding. They mix in pop culture, humor and knowledgeable guests for relatable content.

Find out more: https://zenparentingradio.com/

Available on iTunes, PlayerFM and Stitcher, free.

—Katie L. Carroll & Eva Cerise

featured image: qazyamyam0 via Pixabay

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The Most Important Thing Our Kids Need from Us

By elham raker

Photo: Elham Raker

My firstborn just turned 14. A full-fledged teenager that now towers over me. Kids birthdays definitely make you nostalgic and think of their birth day. Especially the one that made you a mama! So I thought about how I had so many doubts and fears of being a new mom. Even as a pediatrician, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing! But I managed, just like every other new mom does, and figured it out. And with every new age, there’s a new stage to master. A new nap schedule, feeding schedule, a new skill they just acquired, and as they get older learning to navigate life without you.

There is no secret sauce to parenting, there is not a magic ingredient. There is not just one thing that we need to do. If there were, it would be a heck of a lot easier. As babies we need to attend to their every need, they are fully dependent on us and it’s mostly about survival mode. But as they get older we need to teach good habits, safety, routines, healthy choices, and discipline. Then you hope as they become more independent they have learned the lessons you’ve taught (like washing hands!!!) and do the right thing when you’re not there. At each stage of their lives, they need something different from us. They could need more one day and not at all the next. But something always remains consistent, they need us.

As my kids have gotten older, I’ve really struggled with raising independent adults vs being there for them and helping them (helicopter parent much?) It’s definitely a fine balance. On one hand, there’s so much more we know that we can just do for them and it would make our lives easier. On the other hand, if they don’t learn adulting skills then will they be living with us forever? I definitely struggle between the two. In some ways, I feel like doing things for them is showing them love and if I don’t do those things I’m being mean (mom guilt alert!)…BUT…not really. We know that kids need to do things on their own, gain independence, and feel confident! That’s huge! But is there such a thing as too independent?

When COVID started, I decided to give up working outside the home. I really felt it was important to be home with my kids and I was so fortunate to be able to do that. And truly the kids did need me. In the beginning, I felt like it was one issue after another and I just needed to be there. Could they have figured it out without me…possibly…probably… but it was great for them to know that I was just there. I’m not telling you that you should quit your job and be home 24/7. That’s not financially feasible and frankly, that may not be the best option for everyone regardless of your financial outlook. You may absolutely love what you do and you are a better person for doing it! But it’s not about physically always being there, it’s just about being available. There are certainly days that I wish I were more present even though I’m physically there. It’s about making quality dates with your kids to be together, not quantity. It’s about following the rhythm of your kid’s schedules and being there for a carpool chat, late-night chat, or a special outing. There are so many skills we need to have as parents, but I really think one of the most important is just being there. Yes, we need to listen but they don’t always talk. Sometimes what’s not said is just as important as what is said.

Our kids need their independence, no doubt. But as they get older we need to be available as consultants. Only sharing our opinions when asked. And maybe guiding them when we know the path taken is not where they want to go. It’s a fine balance, a delicate dance, and definitely not easy to master. Ultimately, I want my kids to turn into adults I want to hang out with. That’s the parenting advice I consistently keep in the back of my head!

feature image via Bethany Beck on Unsplash 

 I'm a mom to 2 busy kids and a pediatrician. My blog is about all things mom, doctor and how the two come together. My goal is to help you find your voice while I find mine and help you become your best version while I become mine!

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The Modern Rules of Sharing, Mom Style

By Heather Morris

My phone is no longer mine. Has this happened to anyone else? Perhaps this is how my own mother felt when she picked up the wall-mounted phone with the cord that could reach any room in the house, only to hear my voice chatting away with a friend. Remember those days? When we all shared one home phone? As a child, I would frequently visit a friend whose mother lived on her phone. I would wait and wait to make a call to my parents to ask for a ride home. These days, as a ten-year-old, I would probably have my own cell phone. I would text my mom and Uber home. Sadly, even though I am now a woman who is far closer to 40 than to 30, I am still waiting to use the phone.

This phenomenon of gradual takeover is not limited to my phone, and I am convinced that it is not limited to me. Quick poll – how many of you have lost one of the following to your child…or pet…or partner (comment on the post below):

  • Bathroom privacy
  • Hairbrush
  • Kitchen (now in near-fulltime use by one of your children intent on becoming a sous chef by age 10)
  • Bedroom privacy
  • Bed
  • Hidden candy stash (surely I am not the only one with this, right? Help a girl out here!)

But until recently, my phone was sacrosanct. My island in a sea of concessions. The home of my Instagram account, my text messages, and my contacts. My husband and I are Gen Xers floundering our way through a world filled with TikTok, Snapchat, and Twitter (we have accounts on none of these). We adore our screens and simultaneously despise them. They allow us to reach the world, but they also allow the world to reach us. We have tried to comb through as much of the latest parenting advice and pediatric research available on the use of screens by young children. After these sessions, we leave convinced that children both need their own phone and should never be allowed to use their own phone. Definitely not in their bedroom, not without filters, not after 10 pm, not unsupervised, not with anyone we do not know. And yet, having a phone builds independence, resilience, and technological savvy. Our heads spin.

Grasping at any kind of number, we settled on age 13 as a good age to bestow these technological wonders upon our progeny. I know – gasp! – how could they possibly wait that long?! What kind of parents ARE they? This post is not intended to be an essay on the benefits of “waiting till 8” (as in eighth grade) or any other program for managing children’s screen time. I tell you this number only to explain that none of our children have a phone because none of them are 13…yet. However, the age restriction has not stopped them from using my phone ALL. THE. TIME.

It began with daily SportsCenter checks, courtesy of our oldest. It followed with text messages and phone calls from the friends of our two oldest children. And then, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. The world changed, and so did my phone. While on lockdown, my phone acquired Zoom, Duo, Meet, Marco Polo, and countless other apps that allowed my children to connect with their friends. All of our family, my husband and I included, were longing for meaningful connections with friends. So, I arranged Zoom meetings for my kids, then my phone began to disappear for hours as they shared Marco Polo videos back and forth with their friends. Just last week, a FaceTime call came through on my phone. I was excited. Then I answered. “Hello, Mrs. Morris, we wanted to FaceTime [(our son)] while we all played Fortnite.” Sigh.

Even though my teeth grind and I am frequently exasperated because my phone has “walked off” again, my heart is ultimately full. My kids and I are sharing. We are learning to co-exist, to set boundaries, and to think of each other first. Because of my phone, I am involved in my kids’ lives. I know their friends and their habits, their favorite apps and which photos they have taken. Sharing my phone may be difficult, but it is rewarding; it builds another layer of connection between us.

Tomorrow, when my notifications pop up with yet another Polo from “sisters4ever,” my heart will smile as I hand my phone to my pre-teen daughter. I am sharing the phone with my family, 2020 st‌yle.

Scientist by training, lover of books and writing and learning by nature. Wife to a talented husband, mom of three children. Proud to call the Rocket City home (Huntsville, Alabama). Pursuing my love of creative writing by writing about everything from school buses to the latest in pandemic schooling.

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Advice That Every Mom Needs to Hear (Seriously)

By Lisa Aihara

mom kids tantrum

Ok, I’ll admit it, one of the most surprising and aggravating parts about parenting is advice from other parents. But hear me out, I think the reason why they’re usually so annoying is that they’re utterly useless most often than not, amiright? Oh really, we need to be patient with our kids when they’re throwing a tantrum? That is such a revolutionary idea Kim—I’ve just been screaming at them as my first line of defense up until now but let me go and give that a whirl! But as I’m knee-deep in toddler years with my first and about to embark on a second go-around with this whole child-rearing thing, I couldn’t help but think of all the lessons I had to learn in the trenches of baby sh*t (both emotionally and literally) that I wished were more mainstream so that moms could stop feeling guilty, helpless, and just miserable.

So here’s some advice that I want us to all start giving each other so that we could all cut ourselves some slack around here!

1. Set your priorities straight: if your baby is alive, you’re doing fine. I really wish someone told me this before I found myself on the couch pumping breastmilk naked while crying uncontrollably in those early weeks. It’s super cliché but I just fell in love with my son the moment the doctors plopped that little gooey cottage cheese covered monkey on my chest, and for the first time in my life I felt like my heart was bursting at the seams with a love that felt semi-familiar but so much more intense than anything I’ve known. That sounds all rainbows and unicorns, but what followed was anxiety, fatigue, and doubt, which is a disaster cocktail that just fuels each other into a dumpster fire of emotions where I felt like a failure every second.

But you know what? New parents deserve a gold star at the end of the day for keeping the damn thing alive. It literally CANNOT survive on its own because it’s quite incompetent at pretty much everything that is required to keep itself alive. Didn’t change the diaper right away because you happened to drift off? It’s not going to die. Didn’t realize that the mitten fell off and they scratched their eyelid? The red mark will be gone by tomorrow, their skin is like Wolverine. And yea, it’s going to be fine. Call it lowering the bar if you want, but I call it setting realistic expectations. Because when you become a parent, you realize that you are going to love this thing even if it never does anything worthy of an award, recognition, or even praise. You’re just happy for them to be alive. So yes, that is literally your only job.

2. Look to other cultures for “norms.” This was a big one for me. Luckily I’m bilingual in English and Japanese. I think my fellow children-of-immigrants can relate to this, or in homes that are multi-ethnic. I won’t lie, it also leads to a lot of heartache and conflict and full-on hormonal screaming deathmatches with your family too, but when the dust settled from these fights, it made me realize that there is no right way to raise a child. So when I would obsessively Google every burning question I had, I also Googled the same query in Japanese. This completely changed the way I thought about parenting best practices because I would see completely conflicting information. It was especially true for those hot-button topics that are so divisive you’d rather discuss abortion laws or whether 9/11 was an inside job (I’m talking things like breastfeeding, co-sleeping, sleep training… you know them). For example, Japanese people don’t expect kids to sleep alone until they start elementary school. Yea, that would take a ton of pressure off of moms who have kids like mine who refuse to sleep alone.

Now look, I know that we don’t live in Japan where they eat sushi during pregnancy—so our cultures are quite different, which means that parenting advice may not always translate. But what’s important is that those countries, despite having committed parenting sins that American parents would CRUCIFY you over, have raised healthy, smart, and capable children. That’s why I’ve been reading a lot about how other cultures raise their kids, and it has been transformative. We need to tell more mothers to lean into their multi-ethnic background or learn about different cultures because American doesn’t always mean best. In fact, some of our baby best practices have been built on consumerism, not science. #mindblown

3. Take all parenting advice like additional tools in your tool belt, not an end-all. This may seem like I’ve just negated everything I’ve said up to this point, but the truth is, it’s an attitude that could save your sanity. There is going to be so much information, opinions, studies, and “facts” thrown your way—more than you could ever imagine from the life you’ve led to this point. It is so easy to get overwhelmed at first and take everything as the gospel, but then you quickly realize that there is no universal truth, and sometimes these things contradict each other. So instead, take every new information as an invitation to look over the tools you’ve accumulated, and whether it has a place in your tool belt. Is it going to complement the tools you already have? Does it actually seem better than one of the ones you have, and will you replace it? Are you still unsure about it and will keep it close but not use it at this time? Know that your kid, your rules, and you and your parenting partner get to curate this tool belt together to fit the needs of your family.

This post originally appeared on Lisa Aihara.

Lisa Aihara is a writer and artist based in Los Angeles. When she's not busy keeping her toddler alive, she's growing another human and has no time for any BS. For an honest, practical take on motherhood, relationships, and just life's struggles through comics and stories, follow her on Instagram and her Blog.

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My Best Piece of Parenting Advice May Surprise You

By Patrick DeFors

Question: What piece of advice do you wish you had known prior to having kids?

A few days ago we received some wonderful news about someone close to us expecting their first child.  When they told us the news they then asked, “Do you have any advice for us?” Definitely a common question that many first-time parents ask. While my first thought was to say, “You should have used protection” it somehow seemed inappropriate at the moment (but still funny). But, at the end of the day, it really got me thinking about what I wish I had known prior to having kids.

There are countless books and articles covering this topic but for each person, it is a personal answer. Each parent’s lives are impacted in such different ways that there is no single, correct answer that fits each person’s idea of parenthood. If I asked 10 people for their advice I believe that I would receive 10 different answers. I’m sure some people would say to be prepared for the lack of sleep, while others may talk about a drastic change in their social lives. For my wife and I, I think the biggest change when having children was how it redefined our marriage.

Prior to having children and while we were still in London, our marriage was so in sync that Justin Timberlake would have been impressed. We could predict one another’s thoughts and were always on the same page no matter the topic. We had a strong social calendar (as a couple and as individuals) and our home life was relatively simple. We had disagreements like any couple, but the vast majority of the time it was smooth sailing no matter which direction we went. As a couple, we were in a wonderful spot and loving every minute of our life abroad. Enter Kids…[cue doom and gloom music…jk]

“Happy marriages look to the future, not the past.” – Dale Partridge

To say that our children did a cannonball from a high dive into our simple, carefree, predictable life would be an understatement. From day one we rapidly learned just how unprepared we were despite having taken several classes and made all the appropriate preparations. And my wife and I…let’s just say that our marriage was quickly redefined in the most beautiful of ways. You see, the funny thing about kids is is that even though they can be pure anarchy, the absolute joy and innocence that they also bring to any family should be a reminder of what’s truly important. So, while our simple world was turned upside down, the 180-degree turn was the best decision that we ever made.

While it is true that our social lives have been kicked in the crotch, sleep is a luxury (hence the name Dad Loves Coffee) and much of our day revolves around the kid’s schedules, my wife and I have grown even closer as we’ve had to work together to keep our relationship strong. As a couple, we’ve had to figure out new ways to keep the spark alive while knee-deep in diapers. It’s been a major challenge that hasn’t been without arguments, but at the end of the day, it’s been a challenge that we’ve tackled together. While there are some days that we miss our care-free lifest‌yle (especially during the pandemic and isolation), we both know that we wouldn’t trade our new relationship and family for anything in the world.

So to any first-time, expectant parents, I would give this piece of advice: Understand and accept that your marriage and personal lives may/will change but you must work together to create a new definition of who you are as a couple. New boundaries will be drawn and a new set of expectations will emerge after the child is born, but it is in your best interest and the best interest of your children to keep your marriage strong despite the changes you’ll face.  Because at the end of the day, the best thing that we can give our children is a strong, happy marriage.

This post originally appeared on Dad Loves Coffee.

Balding, gray-haired 30-something stay-at-home-Dad living in the Lincoln Square area of Chicago. Enjoys coffee, a cold pint and Bear Grylls while musing about parenthood and life.

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Jessica Alba Talks Holiday Gifts, Family Traditions & the Mom Hack You’ll Want to Steal for Yourself

by Erin Lem

Her Hollywood career and The Honest Company empire may be next-level, but many of the things Jessica Alba is dealing with on the daily (think: two out of three kids at home distance learning, a home that sometimes feels like it’s overtaken by toys and finding time for self care) are all too relatable. We spoke with Jessica mom-to-mom as she revealed her gift picks, her family’s holiday traditions and the no-fail hack that makes dinner cleanup a breeze. Read on for some of the highlights from our conversation.

The best holiday gift she’s ever received:
Definitely pictures that my kids have drawn for me. Cards that they’ve customized for me and my husband had some really nice personal gifts made. The best ones have been when they’re really personal and handmade by the fam.

Jessica’s favorite items to give pregnant women or new moms:
The Sweet Mama Gift Set (pictured above). It’s great because it gives mom the self-care vibe. We have beauty products and products for the body in there. It’s the ultimate pampering gift for a new mom or for someone who’s pregnant.

The most memorable parenting advice that’s actually stuck with her:
Letting go of perfection and letting go of how things were before you had kids. You have to understand that there’s no right way to do it. As long as you can survive to see another day you’ve won. I had all these ideas of how my life was going to be even when I had my kids. It all really just went out the door when you’re in survival mode—when taking a shower or making a meal and eating it instead of eating your kids scraps is a luxury.

Another piece of advice is that my house just looked like kids exploded into all of the spaces so finding baskets to put things in helped and a playroom where they can have their chaos in has been great. I can shove things in a playroom instead of letting it take over the whole house.

Basically, letting go of some of the things I thought my life was going to be. And, I’ll say that it’s much easier with one kid. It’s night and day. Good luck being your version of organized or clean in the same way with two or three kids!

The Honest products Jessica is most excited to gift this year:
All of the different curated kits. Even Honor and Haven put together some kits of their favorite stuff. I have my night time routine and being able to curate these moments and have that available for people to purchase straight away is amazing.

We’re on the go and during COVID we have masks and they match back to the diapers. We have a pattern called Ya Herd?!, and mom and me and dad and me masks, and diapers. We bring it all together during the holidays with thematic prints.

Jessica’s family’s holiday traditions:
I have a pretty big family and we do a sit-down dinner with 70-80 people for Christmas every year (obviously we aren’t going to be doing that this year). It’s always been that way because our extended family lives in Southern California. The kids love it. When I was growing up we were sitting on the floor eating off of styrofoam plates but it was still that many people. My husband’s family tradition is that you sit at a table and say grace and it’s a bit more formal. So we combined both of our family’s traditions and it’ll be fun to do that in normal years.

I got my way last year and I got a tree that’s really chic. The kids called it a large Charlie Brown tree. This year we’re doing a fluffy tree. The kids like the tree thing with the scent and all of that. We’ll be doing our normal Christmas decorating—it’s a big deal for the kids and we’ll do it all sooner than we normally do.

Jessica’s must-have Honest Beauty products that should be on every tired mom’s holiday wish list:
Honestly Bright Eyes Tinted Eye Cream. It comes in two colors and it has pigments so it counters your circles under your eyes and it’s the most life changing thing ever. You also need a cream blush just because you’ll look flushed and healthy. You also need the Gloss-C Lip Gloss—it’s just a lip treatment and gloss all-in-one. You can get it with no color at all or you can have a little bit of a color, which I think always helps make you look more awake. I do a mask every morning called Prime + Perfect Mask which is like a smoothie on your face. It smells really good and gets your face awake and ready for the day. These products make your skin look hydrated but not oily.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGYUW-7jMzC/

Jessica’s advice for female entrepreneurs looking to start their own business:
Just having a good idea for a product is probably 30% of it and 70% of it is execution. And it’s really helpful to not be so attached to the idea of what you think it’s going to be. Be open to making mistakes, learning from your mistakes and keeping it moving. Trusting your gut and surrounding yourself with people who have strengths where you have weaknesses. And you really have to understand your business inside and out. You have to understand the business because you’ll be either taken advantage of or people won’t feel good about investing in you if you don’t understand your own business model. You have to understand the white space or the opportunity you’re going after. And, when you run into issues you need to learn from them, move on and not let them paralyze you.

What Honor and Haven’s homeschooling setup looks like:
I got them desks so they each have a desk in their room now. My kids are horrified if I’m walking in while they’re in school zoom. They have to have their cameras on, they have to be on mute and they have to participate.

 

Jessica’s favorite parenting hacks:
I made self care something my girls wanted to be a part of. When I was doing self care and they weren’t a part of the situation then they were constantly bothering me during my “me” time. So I said, during COVID we are all going to do baths together and it’s going to be fun and they started to get into it. So we’re all doing self care and Hayes’ little baby bath will be next to ours. Instead of not doing my self care at all, I incorporated the kids into this.

Prior to COVID, I pick out the kids clothes and my clothes the night before so we aren’t screaming to figure out what we’re going to wear. Everything from the underwear to the socks are laid out on the bed ready to go. So I’m not thinking about what we need to wear so there are no freak outs and we can get out the door that much faster.

Lastly, my husband got a timer so after mealtime we set a timer for 5 minutes and they see how quickly they can clear the table and wash all the food off the dishes. We started at 10 minutes but we got it down to 5 minutes. You can do it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. We figured out how to make it a competition and make it fun.

—Erin Lem

 

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The Shocking Truth about Letting Kids Wear What They Want

By Nataly Blumberg

If there’s one piece of parenting advice that I’ve heard over and over again, it’s “pick your battles.”  But what if I’m not looking to battle, but to find a middle ground? Do I have to give in all together? One area where I find this happening – and please don’t stop reading when I say this—is with what my kids wear.

Yes, I know that it’s silly and who really cares, but they are still at a cute age where I get that warm and fuzzy feeling when they’re in something that I really love. Add me to the “you’re a bad parent list,” but I know that others feel the same way even if they won’t admit to it. I will say that I’m not willing to have a fight over what they wear, especially now, but I do want to try and steer them in a direction where we are all happy. After all, we all express who we are through what we wear and that’s important for self-esteem, as I learned from talking to a few experts in childhood education.

Newfound Freedom for Little Ones

After my friends gave me a hard time about having major opinions about what my kids put on, I decided to call around and get some expert advice. I wanted to know if my pushing qualified as somewhat annoying or truly bad parenting. My first call was to Richard Peterson, Chief Academic Officer, at the Kiddie Academy. He told me that “at a younger age, children discover newfound freedom by selecting the clothes they are going to wear each day and dressing themselves. As they get older, picking out their own st‌yle of clothing instills creativity. Children build their identity by how they look and what they wear, which is an important part of adolescence; they are discovering new freedom which they didn’t have in the past.”  After our conversation, I felt that this was a valid point. Children learn important life skills by exploring and making decisions, and even the youngest children should have this opportunity.

But still, I wasn’t fully convinced to change my ways just yet.

So sent an email to Elyssa Katz Founder and CEO of The Zutor Concierge. Mom-to-mom she told me “I was the parent that loved to ‘dress-up’ my boys from an early age. I had many rules such as no graphics, no logos, no superheroes. As my children have grown up, I realized that controlling their st‌yle is not beneficial for any of us. It causes unnecessary stress for everyone because in the end does it really matter if my child wants to wear a Superman shirt to school? Now I realize that allowing my children to dress how they would like empowers them and makes them feel successful starting from the time they wake up.” This comment really hit home for me and while I felt better that someone else had gone down the same path, clearly my outcome also needs to be a positive one. Does my enjoyment of what my kids wear outweigh their overall happiness and our family’s stress levels which are already high? I’m starting to think not.

My friend Sarah Tropeano mentioned that a curated subscription box might be something fun to try and a good way to balance what I like with allowing my kids the freedom to choose what they want to wear. It could be the best of both worlds! So, I tried kidpik which has boys and girls head-to-toe mix-and-match outfits. Because kids fill out a quiz, they get what they like. In a few days, a package arrived with items that both my kids and I loved. The whole experience was completely risk-free and the price is reasonable.

On my quest to get as many opinions as possible before making my final decision, I asked mom and CMO of kidpik, Dina Sweeney what her advice was. “We’re in a new school year filled with uncertainty, but one thing is certain, feeling good in your clothes is important for building confidence. The power of an outfit that allows you to express yourself is transformative. For school at home, cool and comfy matching lounge sets or elevated activewear is a great choice over keeping on PJs. Putting on a ‘real’ outfit helps kids in the mindset of school and creates structure.”

That’s when I decided to throw in the towel and accept that what I was doing was not constructive. My nitpicking was causing unnecessary disagreements, increasing everyone’s stress levels, undermining their self-confidence, and hindering valuable life lessons. Plus, I discovered that subscription boxes are a fun and timesaving alternative – bonus!

Giving Kids a Voice

One of the most important emails I received in my quest came from Elaine Taylor-Klaus, PCC, CPCC, CEO, ImpactADHD.com. She told me that “if a child is not expected to wear a uniform, then giving them a voice in what they wear is essential to helping them foster self-determination and cultivate problem-solving skills. Kids tend to feel controlled in many aspects of their lives (“do your homework, take out the trash, etc.), so giving them choice in an innocuous way can empower them to feel capable and avoid the inevitable push-backs that come when they start to feel too controlled.” That sealed it for me. As long as the kids were dressed and happy, so too would I be.

School is about learning and this back to school I learned about standing back for a moment and paying attention to what’s really important. What seems like a silly desire, wanting my kids to look cute at every moment, is actually taking away valuable lessons from them. I’m looking forward to calmer mornings and happier kids. I should have made this decision a long time ago. But like they say, “Live and learn!”

I'm a mom of two children, wife, and love my fur baby, traveling and playing UNO.  My passion is discovering services and products by entrepreneurs, especially those that can cut down on some screen time and help our family create lasting memories together. 

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