Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleMarch 6, 2016

From the soccer carpool to the never-ending assortment of mismatched socks, sometimes there are days when you’ve only got a few seconds (or 140 characters) to get in a good giggle. Well, sit back and get ready to scroll because we’ve scoured the Twitterverse for moms and dads that rap about the highs and lows of parenting, and the results are hilarious.

1. Totally.

Buying new clothes for kids is like putting new clothes on a werewolf just before they transform.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 4, 2016

2. Such creativity!

I tried to get my 3yo interested in Star Wars, but her favorite character is now one she created: "The puppy who works at Star Wars."

— Mark Chalifoux (@markchalifoux) May 4, 2016

3. Sounds pretty accurate.

Parenting:

Me- *vacuums mini van*

Toddler- *drops muffin*

Repeat for 18 years

— Courtney (@Discourt) May 6, 2016

4. Naps: by whatever means necessary.

1
2
3
4
*kids run frantically*
5
6
7
*kids hide*
8
9
10
READY OR NOT, HERE I COME
*takes a nap*

— Marl (@Marlebean) May 5, 2016

5. Maybe not so sure.

https://twitter.com/sixfootcandy/status/728635174649405440

6. One of the best presents a mom can ask for…

I don't know what my husband is planning for Mother's Day but I sure hope it involves me sleeping all day.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 4, 2016

7. Why can’t they ask for something reasonable for once?

"No. Absolutely not. Nope. Forget it."
–Me, practicing, because my kids are coming home soon

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 6, 2016

8. No words.

https://twitter.com/RachRiot/status/728301209300258816

9. So THAT is where that went…

That's the rope from my robe my son is always stealing and I can never find- makes me crazy pic.twitter.com/PQKeuB7xCT

— Anna Faris (@AnnaFaris) May 4, 2016

10. TRUTH.

The reason I don't like Facebook's "memories" feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 3, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 29, 2016

1. There can only be one.

I tossed a scrap of cooked meat on the ground for my dog.

My toddler pushed him aside and ate it.

She's the alpha of this pack.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2016

2. We’re running on 15%.

It's nice that this public restroom stall has a changing station but what would be really nice is a charging station.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 23, 2016

3. Right?

https://twitter.com/jergarl/status/725295890903126016

4. She’s a natural.

https://twitter.com/IMKristenBell/status/724409152877957120

5. And that’s how ya do it, parents.

https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/725444416719216643

6. When you need to set ’em straight…

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

— John Sarris (@iamjohnsarris) April 27, 2016

7. Nevermind.

Going out for a legit date night with my husband. No trips to Target or Lowe's. We're talking a restaurant with a dress code.

*kid pukes*

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 29, 2016

8. This is truly what she wants.

When you're at a red light and finally figure out what to get your wife for Mother's Day. pic.twitter.com/R7cO36sTj0

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 28, 2016

9. Ah, the lack of good graces.

There must be something so liberating about being a child and just picking your nose whenever the mood strikes you.

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) April 29, 2016

10. The answer to, “How’s Baby Luna?”

https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/724294283201679360

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 22, 2016

1. Cool name, bro.

https://twitter.com/ThaJawn/status/722149625705009153

2. Yep.

https://twitter.com/moooooog35/status/722937283708600320

3. So close, yet so far.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids
– Me, about this nap

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 21, 2016

4. All day, everyday.

a fun thing about being a parent is when people ask "where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?" you can confidently answer "folding laundry"

— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) April 18, 2016

5. *Sigh*

Me: What kind of cereal do you want?

5: I don't know what kinds we have. Maybe you should surround me with the boxes so I can choose.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 16, 2016

6. YOLO

I'll drink a martini out of a sippy cup, IDGAF.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 20, 2016

7. Ha!

My kid told me that I breathe very loudly and I didn't even realize we had gotten married.

— ugh* (@heatherlou_) April 18, 2016

8. Time will get’cha.

I saw something was made in 2001 and thought "oh so it like just came out" and then cried because we're all old now.

— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 19, 2016

9. 3’s gotta point.

3-year-old: Why do you always carry the baby?

Me: She can't walk yet.

3: I think she's just lazy.

Busted.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2016

10. Oh please no, please!

That feeling when a cop pulls up behind you is what I feel when I hear a baby cry on TV after I put my baby to bed.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 22, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 15, 2016

1. Organic Life.

🎶Started from the bottom now we're here🎶 I sing to myself as I put the organic milk in my shopping cart

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 13, 2016

2. At least she was warned.

https://twitter.com/cray_at_home_ma/status/720616725084037120

3. So. Much. To. Clean.

Aspirations?

No thanks. I'll just keep doing dishes and laundry until I drown in a sea of bottles, socks and soap.

— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 14, 2016

4. We’d rather not.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 12, 2016

5. He’s just a dad, keepin’ it real. Ya dig?

Don't be fooled by the sensible family sedan that I got, I'm still Mark from the block.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 14, 2016

6. That’s not *reality* TV.

I wish that fixer upper couple on HGTV would stop showing off their perfect marriage in front of my wife.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 13, 2016

7. Well, THAT was unexpected.

Parenting…when you're looking at the bottom of your purse for a receipt and find a tooth from one of your kids instead.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 15, 2016

8. #KellysTurning3 #party

If you gave your kid's birthday party a hashtag in the invitation, we're going to have to #RSVPno

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) April 10, 2016

9. Pizza? Can parents come?

Got a letter from school saying 8's class won a pizza party and wouldn't need to pack a lunch. I just won the parenting lottery.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 13, 2016

10. Next you’ll tell us you actually folded it and put it away!

https://twitter.com/2questionable/status/721049031607263233

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 8, 2016

1. True Story.

https://twitter.com/Playing_Dad/status/717514663697768448

2. He’s ready for adulthood.

*watches my 7yo get home from school and immediately strip down to his underwear*

This guy gets it.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) April 6, 2016

3. Yeah, that’ll be great.

If only more people were willing to offer parenting advice.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 7, 2016

4. There’s nothing like a good nap.

Trying to make my daughter take her nap early so I can eat the rest of her birthday cake in private. #parenting

— MotherhoodNHollywood (@MIHPodcast) April 8, 2016

5. Creepy much?

My kid keeps drawing me with a broken ankle next to an erupting volcano, about to be engulfed in lava. At what point should I be nervous?

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 7, 2016

6. May 8th, Don’t forget.

"Wait, when is Mother's Day?"

-Me, borderline panicked, every Saturday night in April.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 2, 2016

7. School = Mt. Midoriyama

Ninja Warrior: "Parents trying to get their kids ready to be somewhere on time" Edition.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 7, 2016

8. Hah!

https://twitter.com/est1975blog/status/717838683781611521

9. Smart thinking.

3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?

Me: If you want to.

3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016

10. Ooh, she’s good.

My daughter dreamt I gave my son $1 but I didn't give her one, so this morning I had to give her $1 to make her happy.

Con Level: Expert

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 5, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleFebruary 1, 2016

1. Coffee is everything.

[walks downstairs]

robber: …

me: …

robber: …

me: don't touch the Kurig my wife will be pissed [walks back upstairs]

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) March 26, 2016

2. That is NOT “one little piece of tape.”

My apologies if there is a shortage of scotch tape in the world. My toddler needed to tape a piece of paper for no reason.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

3. Wise words little one.

Me: Getting dressed every day is part of growing up.

3-year-old: Growing up is stupid.

Me:

3:

Me: I have no counterargument.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 29, 2016

4. HA!

https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/714753982569324544

5. Oh, that 4yo is good.

https://twitter.com/StephDsays/status/715689227292438529

6. Any takers?

My daughter just spent 15 minutes telling me every part of my body that's "squishy." She's four and comes with toys and stuffed animals.

— Courtney (@Discourt) March 28, 2016

7. Kids say the darndest things.

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/714970543062171648

8. The struggle…

I'm on vacation with my husband and two boys. The only thing missing is the lock on the bathroom door.

Please pray for me.

— Alison Chrun-Jenkins (@letmecarryit) March 29, 2016

9. Priorities

https://twitter.com/est1975blog/status/714837793596248064

10. As “Angel” plays softly in background

*Sarah McLachlan sits beside me* For just 25 cents a day, you can send moms like these what they need most, boxes of wine.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 31, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJanuary 26, 2016

1. Really? Ugh.

When your baby poops right before you have to leave… pic.twitter.com/owkhYMisjC

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 25, 2016

2. We are now equals.

I like to ignore my kids the first three times they say something so I can teach them that life IS fair.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 25, 2016

3. Great example…

My neighbor's recycle bin is filled with diaper boxes and wine bottles, perfectly exemplifying cause and effect.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 20, 2016

4. On second thought, pass the hand sanitizer.

2yo curled up next to me&held my hand
Aww
Then I remembered how gross 2yo hands are,w/ all the nose-picking &butt-scratching &penis-touching

— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) February 26, 2016

5. Such imagination.

[walking by Goth kids dressed in black]

3-year-old: I can see them.

Me: I can, too.

3: They're bad ninjas.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2016

6. When you need to fight for your daughter’s affection…

Daughter: A boy made me a heart today, daddy.
Me: *looks at heart* Big deal
[I go in other room to make a 10x bigger heart]

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 26, 2016

7. Gotta love last minute notice.

"I guess I just won't dress up as a book character today" says my daughter mentioning her school's dress up day for the very first time.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 26, 2016

8. The struggle is real.

Do you want to pick out your clothes or should I?
3: You
Ok, here.
Not that.
This.
No.
Ok, this.
No.
You pick them out then.
No, you do it!

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 24, 2016

9. Ooh… Someone’s in trouble.

I've been married for "my wife just walked in, plopped a basket of laundry down, gave me a dirty look, and stormed off" years.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 24, 2016

10. Ouch.

Plot twist: I'm the one with an ear infection.

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) February 26, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

— Noelle Buckband

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJanuary 25, 2016

1. LOL

You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 24, 2016

2. It’s that easy.

Before I had kids, I didn't know you could ruin someone's day by saying, "Brush your teeth, please."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 23, 2016

3. You need to be sly.

Never am I more in charge then when I glance behind me in the car to make sure 3 is asleep before I change the Spotify playlist.

— Mrs. Sordahl Needs Coffee (@MrsSordie) March 24, 2016

4. Live in the moment.

🎶Let's get it started, let's get it started in here🎶 I sing between sips of wine after my son goes to bed only to pass out 10 minutes later.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 23, 2016

5. Ha!

https://twitter.com/cray_at_home_ma/status/713044270853263361

6. Don’t be a snitch.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016

7. Nice try.

10 proactively cleaned the mud off of his shoes by hitting them together. Awesome, except that he did this INSIDE the house.

— Sara (@smilely_gal) March 23, 2016

8. Bet 6yo didn’t see that one coming.

6yo: What are we doing for spring break?
Me: What are any of us REALLY doing?
Wife: Aw, snap! Daddy went existential on you!
6yo:

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 23, 2016

9. When you’re the “cool” mom…

People always want hang out because they know I have champagne and snacks

— 🇵🇸 CEASEFIRE NOW 🇵🇸 (@hevanlyy) March 25, 2016

10. Have you heard this one before?

"I'm almost 7, so I think I can take it from here, thanks."

-All almost 7 year olds

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) March 25, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJanuary 11, 2016

1. Sometimes, less interaction is the best.

5-year-old: *asks permission for something random*

Me: No. Absolutely not.

5: You don't have to get up.

Me: Knock yourself out.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2016

2. That went well.

Alright, kids, that's our last book for tonight. Sweet dreams! pic.twitter.com/2qSgEC2ZBF

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 11, 2016

3. Sounds like a fun night!

I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) March 9, 2016

4. …and the kids aren’t dressed, either.

*taps wife on arm to wake her*

Honey, is it "rise" from bed or "arise" from bed? I never know. Anywho…your alarm didn't go off. You're late

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 11, 2016

5. Lies.

4: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
Me: I'm sure you'll figure it when you're older

And other lies I tell my kids

— Suburbia_Mommy (@runner_mom2) March 10, 2016

6. We like this version.

Naaaaaasowhenyaaaaaa gonna go to bed so I can driiiink a mimoooosa?
-Parent version of the Lion King theme song

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 10, 2016

7. Ugh, men.

https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/706943759506874369

8. Well, that was an easy decision.

7 just suggested a lemonade stand with beer instead of lemonade and now I know which of my kids will be taking care of me when I'm old.

— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) March 6, 2016

9. Never ask a kid to guess your age.

7: Mom, how old will you be this year?
Me: Well, I was born in '73 so you tell me.
7: 1873 or 1973?
Me:
7:
Me:
7: WHAT?

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 9, 2016

10. Oh, not another broken nose!

*turns off light, leans in to tuck kid in, and say goodnight*

*gets head butted in the nose*

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 11, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

Hilarious Parenting Tweets of the Week

by Red TricycleJanuary 4, 2016

1. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

-A minivan rolls through the parking lot. It doesn't stop. The automatic doors slide open and a 9yo leaps out and sprints into school.

— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) March 4, 2016

2. It’s almost bikini season.

I used to fear one of my kids bringing home the stomach flu. Now I consider it an important part of my weight loss regimen.

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) March 1, 2016

3. I’ve got whozits and whatsits galore!

My life's exactly like The Little Mermaid, except I'm not a mermaid and no handsome princes are in love with me.
Basically I'm a hoarder.

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 1, 2016

4. A quarter? Come back to me when you have a Benjamin.

I did the pull a quarter from behind the ear trick for a kid but he was like what can I even buy with this and then threw it in the trash.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 3, 2016

5. “Hello from the outside. At least I can say that I’ve tried!”

In a couple of years all of Adele's songs will be about the heartache and agony of trying to get her kid ready for school.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 4, 2016

6. It was inevitable.

https://twitter.com/SaraMansford/status/705526487538114560

7. Oh good, you ate.

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/704829538640011266

8. Wine fixes everything!

https://twitter.com/TheGladStork/status/705210239247912960

9. Dead.

I love seeing the look in single people's eyes when my kids are being maniacs and it's obvious I'm immune to the noise and also dead inside.

— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) March 3, 2016

10. There’s only so much we can do.

Me: What color do you want your room?

5-year-old daughter: Gold with sparkles.

Me: How about yellow?

5: Mom's right. You never listen.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 29, 2016

Do you have any #funnyparenting moments to share with the Red Tricycle Community? Tell us in the comments below!

— Noelle Buckband

ML Interest Tag: soccer-carpool

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