ML Interest Tag: sleep-deprivation

Let’s Get Physical! The Gear & Tips New Moms Need to Get Active

by Jamie Davis Smith

Sometimes, the last thing a new parent wants to do is exercise. Between sleep deprivation, taking care of a little one’s every need and trying to keep up with the demands of everyday life, staying fit can take a backseat. But, getting moving doesn’t have to be hard or time-consuming. Really! Read for some tricks to finding the time and motivation to get into (or back into) exercise.

1. Start slowly and gently.

Scoria

Even people who had the most rigorous exercise routines before having a baby may have a hard time getting back in the habit. It can be even more challenging if you've never exercised regularly to begin with. No matter which category you fall into, there is no shame in starting off slowly and being kind to yourself. In fact, it's better for your body. Starting off with gentle yoga, stretching or a few walks around the block can be just what you need to get started. You'll be surprised how quickly you can build up from there. Scoria makes gorgeous, sustainable mats for yoga and beyond. Some of their mats are an extra-thick 6mm cork, which helps ensure that knees and elbows don't get sore. Add a cork roller (shown above) for backs aching from carrying a baby. Or, try the company's unique Illuminate Cork Yoga Wheel for even more ways for stretching all the muscles that are getting used in new ways with a new baby.

2. Get comfortable.

Outdoor exercise walking, running, marathon, 5k, 10k, mom time, stress relief,
Daniel Reche via Pexels

A lack of the “right” gear should not prevent you from getting in shape, but upgrading a few key wardrobe items can make a big difference in whether or not you stick with an exercise routine. Even going for a brisk walk will be more tolerable with the right footwear. This is even more important for jogging or other intense exercises. Brooks Running Shoes have a variety of lightweight and cute styles, such as Launch 8, that will keep you walking longer. Add some Swiftwick socks with extra cushioning to keep you moving longer—and to help absorb some extra weight if you're walking with baby in a carrier.

3. Bring the baby along.

LÍLLÉbaby

Many new parents don’t have the luxury of leaving their little one behind while they exercise. No problem! Grab a sturdy baby carrier like the LÍLLÉbaby Pursuit Sport and bring the baby along for long walks or light exercise classes. The extra weight of the baby will help you work out that much harder! Or, make sure baby is safe and comfortable in a rugged stroller made for running. The BOB Gear Alterrain Pro Jogging Stroller is a great choice with features like a one-handed fold, reflective trim, oversized basket, advanced suspension for a smooth ride, and all-weather canopy that protects your child against wind and rain. And if you need to socially distance, be sure you have the right mask for the job! The Nathan Run Safe Face Mask straps around your head so it won’t slip when you're moving fast. It also has an opening that can be used for a quick breath of fresh air or taking a sip of water.

4. If you have a toddler, get them involved.

iStock

Some new parents exercise while the baby sleeps. This is a great approach, but it may not work as well if you also have a toddler underfoot. Luckily, there are fun ways to exercise with toddlers. The Chi Yoga Mat comes in parent and kid sizes with colorful markings to show where arms and legs should go for everything from child’s pose to downward dog. Or, get a JumpSport Trampoline that is sturdy enough for serious exercise but can also withstand an active toddler. First take your turn, and then let your little one take theirs when the baby wakes up. 

5. Track your progress.

Fitbit

Tracking your progress can provide much-needed motivation to get (and keep!) moving. Wearing a health and fitness smartwatch like the Fitbit can motivate you to get steps in, walk a little faster to keep their heart rates up, and get lots of information to assess overall health. New parents will also appreciate reminders to get up and walk to stay on track throughout the day and to be able to track your sleep.

6. Dress for success.

iStock

Working out as a new mom can be daunting. Old workout clothes may not fit quite the same way, and you may experience some urinary leaks. Thinx Leak Resistant Underwear and leggings are helpful for moms who leak a little while working out and for those with extra heavy postpartum periods. Pact Maternity Leggings work well for postpartum workouts as well as maternity. Cariloha workout gear is a great choice for moms who want to go right from a HIIT class to a playdate. For moms whose workouts bring them outdoors, Wondery has everything from “Made Wild” shirts to sustainably-made shorts perfect for working out in style.

7. Invest in yourself.

Echelon

Make an investment in yourself. Literally. If you can swing it, investing in your health means a great return on investment, whether that means signing up for an at-home workout program online, purchasing weights or a TRX bodyweight suspension training kit, or making a larger financial investment the whole family can benefit from, like the Echelon Reflect. This next-generation way to workout uses a mirror you hang on your wall to stream high-definition workouts from yoga and stretching to Zumba, pilates and barre to strength and high-intensity HIIT classes and more. There are even family classes that parents and kids can do together. Classes stream on-demand or live and range in length from 10 to 30 minutes so it’s possible to get in a quick workout in when you're short on time. If money is tight, there are lots of free YouTube workouts designed for new moms.

8. Bike it with baby.

Thule

Another great investment is a sturdy bike you can use for everything from running errands to rides through the park. The Schwinn Sierra has features that provide more stability and traction than some similar bikes, making it a great option to pair with a child bike seat like the Thule Yepp Nexxt Maxi (shown above), which is designed for safety and comfort.

9. Be prepared.

Yeti

We know you don't have much time to work out, but you can make the most of the time you do have by getting prepared. Have your workout bag packed and ready to go. Pair it with a YETI water bottle (shown above) that is sturdy, looks good and will keep your water cold to make sure you stay hydrated. Put your water bottle in the fridge at night and grab it whenever you are ready to get moving.

10. Work with your schedule.

Prostock-Studio

You don’t need to spend baby’s entire nap time working out, but a quick session before doing the dishes or taking your own nap can go a long way toward making sure it gets done. If possible, working out before baby wakes up in the morning or goes to sleep at night helps you stay consistent and on track as well. If you don’t plan on working up a big sweat, there is nothing wrong with working out in your pajamas. There is no right time or right way to stay fit!

11. Motivate (and pamper) yourself.

iStock

Managing to exercise amid the chaos of being a new mom deserves a reward. For a little encouragement to exercise, choose an indulgence and tell yourself you will only partake after a workout. For some, watching a baking show or a Netflix drama might be all it takes to get moving. For others, it might mean an evening bath with a bath bomb or face mask or a decadent piece of chocolate or handmade caramels. Or it could mean driving to your favorite hiking spot for a scenic walk. Whatever gets you moving and keeps your eyes on the prize of better health and more energy.

—Jamie Davis Smith

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11 Easy Ways to Fit in Fitness As a New Mom

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365 Days With You: My 1st Year of Motherhood

By Erin Lem

Photo: Erin Lem

When my son was born I was constantly told to enjoy this phase, it all passes so fast. I would smile and nod, but really wanted to ask: do you even remember what having an infant is like? Time—especially the hours between 3-5 a.m. when it was just him and I nestled on the couch—felt like molasses. I was nursing around the clock and running on the adrenaline of new motherhood.

 

Those early days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into months. And, somehow we’re at a year. After 12 months of long days, even longer nights and plenty of laughter and tears from both of us, I am starting to grasp what those women were trying to tell me.

 

So to preserve all the glory, sentiment and nuances of one year, here is exactly how I felt at 365 days of motherhood.

 

One year is:

 

…encouraging their risk-taking while keeping them safe (um, please do not try to climb over the back of the couch!)

 

…leading by example. Broccoli is delicious!

 

…obsessing over sleep and nap schedule (guilty as charged).

 

…still a little in awe when he says, mom. Wait, that’s me!

 

…feeling a bit relieved when they’re off to daycare, but then feeling guilty about your feeling of relief.

 

…accepting that this mom guilt thing is real.

 

…so many firsts every.single.day.

 

…wondering what sort of mother you will become, and what “st‌yle” of parenting will work best for your kid.

 

…excitement about parenting and making decisions with your partner because it’s so awesome to do new things together.

 

…staying up past their bedtime mindlessly scrolling on my phone because finally…alone time!

 

…reading all day, every day, usually the same books again and again and again.

 

….hiding their favorite book for an hour because you just can’t deal with reading Dear Zoo one more time.

 

…sleep regressions because teething, sickness, travel, (fill in your own blank).

 

…middle of the night snuggles—sometimes for longer than you know you should—because you know they won’t want to cuddle you forever.

 

…summoning every ounce of patience stored inside you.

 

…accepting that whatever good or challenging thing is currently happening that it’s just a phase.

 

…gawking at acne-covered teenagers at the grocery store because you know they’ll be that age someday, and it’s totally bizarre to imagine.

 

…getting sentimental every month when you pack away clothes they outgrew.

 

…actually realizing you have a sentimental side.

 

…accepting the ridiculous amount of stuff you’ve accumulated.

 

…the thrill of watching them learn something new.

 

…scrolling through old photos from just a few months ago when it’s 11 p.m. and you should be in bed sleeping.

 

…narrating everything in sight because your pediatrician said this is the year of cognitive and emotional development. And, you are still green enough to listen to everything your pediatrician—and google—says.

 

…front-pack carrier snuggles.

 

…wondering if those under eye bags will ever go away.

 

…embracing the annoying singing toys because it brings them so much joy.

 

…the deep belly laugh only an unabashed baby can have.

 

…buying new, cute clothes even though you know they’ll wear them for (maybe) two months.

 

…giving them new foods and watching half of it end up on the floor…or with the dog.

 

…being excited about their future.

 

…saying yes to things even though you know it’s going to be hard with a squirmy kid.

 

…rare nights out without them where you love your freedom (Wine! Conversation! A real sit down meal!) but still obsessively check the nest cam.

 

…resisting screen time but then relenting when you need them to sit still for 5 minutes.

 

…realizing they got their dance moves from you. Sorry, kid.

 

…picking your battles.

 

…a year’s worth of sleep deprivation and wondering at 4 a.m. if you could—or even should—ever do this again.

 

…trying to remember all the mundane daily stuff because one day it won’t seem so mundane.

 

Erin is the Head of Editorial at Red Tricycle and Tinybeans. She's an expert in digital content strategy, specializing in local, lifest‌yle and family-friendly content. She lives in the Bay Area with her two kids, husband and fur baby.

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Study Finds Moms Are Sleep Deprived for the First 6 Years of Parenthood

by Shahrzad Warkentin

It doesn’t take an expert to tell you that having a baby means losing some sleep, but exactly how long does it take until you can sleep like a baby again? Research reveals that the sleep deprivation of moms can last for years—yes, years plural—beyond those newborn days.

A study published in the journal Sleep found that while the peak of sleep deprivation occurred within the first three months after a new baby’s birth, sleep quality and quantity did not return to pre-baby levels until up to six years after birth. The study was conducted with 2,500 women and almost 2,200 men. It involved annual face-to-face interviews with participants in which they were asked to rank their sleep quality on a scale of 1 to 10, as well as report the number of hours they slept daily.

Not surprisingly, the study also found that moms reported losing more sleep than dads, especially during the first few months. Women reported losing an hour of sleep per night during the first three months after childbirth and 40 minutes on average for the first year. Dads, on the other hand, only reported losing an average of 13 minutes of sleep by the same three-month mark. Moms were still reporting an average loss of about 25 minutes from four to six years after birth.

And what about multiple kids? The study showed that having more than one child didn’t make the sleep loss worse, but after those first three months, sleep loss sleep patterns only recovered to the same quality and length that they were prior to the subsequent pregnancy.

We’re honestly amazed you’re even awake right now to read this.

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Sleep Health Is Maternal Health: Why Better Sleep Habits Matter

By Melissa Brown

 

Many pregnant women anticipate that the next few years of their lives will be filled with sleepless nights and tired days. While it feels like common sense to think that having a child can mean less sleep, few people ask why we have to sacrifice rest for parenthood, and it’s time that we do.

According to the National Sleep Foundation, 74% of stay-at-home moms report insomnia but working parents can be just as affected to, experiencing problems with performance and even safety risks such as driving to risk with sleep deprivation.

Lack of sleep does more than just cause parents to be tired. Not getting rest can create serious havoc such as causing hormonal changes, weight gain, lack of concentration, weight gain, and a weakened immune system. When you’re trying to devote your time to caring for a newborn baby or busy toddler, these are the last things you should be dealing with.

In fact, studies show that better sleep makes you a better parent, as exhaustion is likely to make parents resort to permissive decisions they may not otherwise choose if rested.

Parents Want to Sleep, but Habits Don’t Change
The infant sleep industry which includes specialized cribs, bassinets, blankets, and other products to help babies fall and stay asleep is a 325 million dollar industry. Parents are willing to pay for a good night’s rest but many end up disappointed in products that do little to nothing to solve the problem.

Why? Devices and smart technology do little to address sleep habits.

So, how do you get the nights of sleep from your pre-baby days and why is it important to spend just as much time investing in you and your baby’s sleep health as you do as something like nutrition?

Why Early Sleep Habits Are Important
Healthy sleep habits are something that follows us through every developmental life stage and those habits start from as young as infancy. So instead of accepting bad sleep, why not use the time with your child to instill positive sleep habits that can set a positive foundation for toddler years and beyond?

If your child has bad sleep habits, the many effects of exhaustion aren’t just something that happens to you or your partner. Research indicates that poor sleep habits that begin early in childhood can lead to problems like obesity, poor academic performance, and learning difficulties.

For many, better sleep simply begins with shifting their philosophy. Sleep health is part of total health and good sleep doesn’t have to be something parents have to wait for—better habits can start in one night.

Consistency Is Key
Learn about your child’s developmental stages and their rest needs. For example, between naps and nighttime sleeping, a six-month-old should be sleeping about 15 hours a day.

A good way to gauge your baby or toddler’s sleep health is to see if they are getting close to their recommended hours of sleep and falling and staying asleep easily (depending on their age). However, if sleep is continually sporadic or seems to be a battle every night, it may be time to look at strategies to help soothe your child and get him or her into a more regular nap and bedtime routine.

Don’t Carry All of the Weight—Communicate!
If you feel like the pressure of your child’s sleep schedule is overwhelming—ask for help. Dividing up nights with your partner as you establish a routine can be a helpful way to ensure you have your own healthy sleep routine. It’s also okay to ask for professional help.

Sleep consultants are infant and toddler sleep experts that can help families get their nights back to normal by providing in-home or remote sleep training. For working parents, the benefit of an in-home consultant can provide both peace of mind and the supportive care needed to get baby and parent rest back on track for good.

Don’t Feel Bad if Regression Happens
Children change and go through many stages. Sleep regression is normal and as long as you’re consistent with your plan of action, you can expect success over the long term.

However, you don’t have to hold your exhaustion up as proof of your parenthood or accept sleepless nights. You and your baby deserve a better night’s sleep.

RELATED STORIES:

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Featured image: iStock 

Melissa has 4 children which led her to learn the importance of instilling healthy sleep habits. As a Certified Sleep Consultant, Melissa has developed an approach to sleep training that is tailored to each individual family’s unique goals. Having worked with hundreds of families, Melissa has become a go-to resource for parents.

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Win Back 30+ Minutes in Your Day, New Moms!

by Meghan Yudes Meyers

Days with a baby fly by at warp speed. There is also much more to do within the same 24 hours, and it all seems harder when you’re running on limited sleep. Regain lost time with these simple ways to add anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours back to your day. Yes, really!

photo: iStock

Track Items with Apps
If the average person spends 15 minutes a day searching for misplaced items like their keys, shoes or wallet, according to a recent survey, we’re pretty sure those suffering from mom brain spend at least twice that. There are simple life hacks to avoid these daily pitfalls, like keeping a spare set of keys pinned to your diaper bag, but a more modern approach uses clever tracking devices like Tile, TrackR or Chipolo. Attach Bluetooth-enabled devices to sneakers, keys, wallets and more so your phone can help you find them.

photo: Donnie Ray Jones via Flickr

Put Down Your Cell Phone
The internet is like a bag of chips…a box of cookies…and a tub of ice cream. We consume it in small chunks, most of us not realizing how many little bites we’ve taken until we’ve lost hours of our day, according to a Nielsen study. In fact, studies show that most of us now spend more time on the internet than we spend watching TV. While the average American is on their mobile device about 4 hours every day, a small study suggests that new parents spend considerably more time than the average person on social media. If you’re spending your child’s nap time posting baby pics to Instagram and Facebook, you may want to consider a social media break so you can use baby’s nap time for your own naps! More on why sleep is important below.

photo: Donnie Ray Jones via Flickr

Catch Some Zzz’s
If you feel like simple tasks take twice as long since you had a baby, you’re probably not wrong. Fatigue causes brain function to slow down, which means you are thinking and acting slower. The first three months postpartum are the toughest: Studies show you’ll get less sleep during this period than at any other point in your life. And a new, small study demonstrated that sleep deprivation can last up to six years post-birth. The old adage “Sleep when the baby sleeps” seems impossible, but if you carve out time for a nap, it not only helps you stay rested but will help you tackle your daily must-do list with efficiency.

photo: iStock

Become a Better Jetsetter
Pre-bambino, getting out of the house meant grabbing your keys, wallet and possibly a pair of shades. Now, a trip to the grocery store means packing a pint-size suitcase with diapers, wipes, bottles, snacks, a back-up outfit for blowouts and more. If you’ve gone from being punctual to perpetually late, try pre-packing your car (or stroller or diaper bag) with baby essentials. Turn your car into a mobile nursery unit by stocking multiple-compartment trunk organizers. Think beyond the diaper bag: Fill your organizer with the same must-have products you keep on hand in the house.

photo: iStock

Go Capsule with Your Clothing
Seventeen minutes. That’s how long it takes the average woman to pick out an outfit. Take the guesswork out of your morning routine by adopting a mom uniform and reclaim over a quarter of an hour every single day. A capsule wardrobe—first made popular in the 1970s—is a curated collection of clothing staples that work for your everyday life. These could be pieces that mix and match well or a collection of the same types of clothes you like to wear (think go-to t-shirts, yoga pants and sneakers). Everything goes together, so there’s less thinking or planning. Create your collection with these 10 capsule wardrobe ideas for a new mom.

photo: iStock

Smarten Up Your House
Life is filled with interruptions. If you’re preparing dinner, the baby will inevitably cry for you. Feeding your little loves? Yup, someone is going to knock on the door. The problem with all of these daily little hiccups is that it’s hard to get back to the task you were originally focused on. And the worst interrupter in your day is not your recent family addition, it’s you! A recent study found that we “self-interrupt” every three minutes. Most of us call this multitasking, but switching from activity to activity while we are still, um, mid-activity can cause us to lose minutes or even hours each day. You can remove some of these distractions by putting them on autopilot through the magic of technology! Let the door answer itself with a video doorbell; get a robot vacuum to handle the dust and dirt; and invest in a programmable coffee maker or formula maker that lets you schedule when your next cup or bottle is ready.

Cut Haircare in Half
The average woman spends around 15 minutes blowdrying her hair. For a full wash, dry and style, it’s a whopping 40 minutes. Save almost an hour by skipping the shower and spraying on dry shampoo. If “dirty hair, don’t care” isn’t your thing, choose a hair dryer marketed as ionic or ceramic and invest in a blow dry accelerator spray, like AVEDA speed Of Light, both of which reduce the amount of time it takes to dry your mane.

—Meghan Meyers

featured image: iStock

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My Daughter Was the One Who Taught Me How to Parent

By Terah Boyd

Even now, after 12 years, I still have difficulty connecting with my daughter and that terrifies me. She has grown into such a beautiful vibrant little girl with extraordinarily strong thoughts and a hyperdrive to succeed. Being a child with autism, ADHD and dyslexia has not slowed her down one bit. But it has run me over, broken me, and forced me to face the bitter truth about what kind of woman I was. I so admire her strength to continue to pursue life with great intensity despite the multiple hurdles she must overcome daily. But that was not always the case.

I remember watching her at the early age of one and thinking she is so ahead of the game. It caused me to reflect on my own childhood. I failed kindergarten and was called quote “a hopeless case” by my first kindergarten teacher. She told my mother this with great vigor at a parent-teacher conference as I sat directly beside her.

The first week of school, she pulled my desk away from my peers off into a corner all my own, where I spent the entire year. She held great disdain for me, and I was painfully aware of it. My second year of kindergarten was magnificent and although I struggled in math, I excelled in English and was a model student. I fell in love with my teacher who never stopped pushing me. I flourished under her and I cried when the year was over. When one teacher said there was no hope for me another teacher said I was bright and capable of excelling my peers. And so, I did.

While I had no diagnosable issues there was clearly a delay in the area of math and it followed me up until high school. It affected every area of my life and I’ve had to work five times harder to overcome the insecurity that came with it.

So when my daughter started to display severe insecurities in the area of sleep, I bulked at her. My answer to her intense fears of the dark was to force her to face the dark alone. Which is exactly what happened to me as a child.

The difference was she was not capable of stuffing her fears down and dealing with it like a neurotypical child. She was out of control. Wailing well into the wee hours of the night. Sobbing for hours on end and refusing to stay in her bed. Her fears of night rolled over into everyday life. It wasn’t just the night she was terrified of, it was now public places and strangers.

A once bossy independent toddler was suffering from sleep deprivation and on the days when her nights were decent she no longer enjoyed venturing out into the world she used to love to command.

After a year or so of trying to force my square-shaped daughter into a round hole, I had, had enough! Not of her but of myself. I was disgusted at how poorly I dealt with her pain. I was appalled and disappointed at how hard I worked to hide her anxieties with nighttime from friends and family.

I took a sharp left turn out of the land of “typical parenting” and into the land of “what can I do to help?” I left the world of “my way or no way” and entered a place of “I will prefer my daughter’s needs above my need to present my family in a particular way.”

I was happy to be imperfect. I rebelled against the judgment and unsolicited advice from family and I did what I felt was best for my daughter. I embraced her and her pain. I laid in the bed with her at night instead of on the floor waiting for her to shut up. I talked to her tears and screams until I could reach her.

Our biggest breakthrough came in the form of a lullaby. It was the first time I really tried to connect with her. My hope was to help her to see the good parts of bedtime through music. She gravitated to the song. I would often hear her singing it throughout the day. It became our go-to first thing at night. It was our song. She found bravery in it and I found a way to connect and understand.

I was so fearful of being a failure to everyone around me. But I was failing my daughter as I pursued an impossible life of perfection. The very thing I was trying to hide has literally become an open book for all to see. I boldly chose to record the lullaby and self-publish a book about my daughter’s turmoil with bedtime titled: “Showdown at High Moon: Queen Takes a Stand.” She is so proud of the book/song and me, this does something to my heart that I cannot describe.

It is a travesty when we as mothers, women, parents, and humans refuse to engage in patience, love, and creativity when raising our children. To refuse to transform and grow on behalf of the one who was God-given because you have plans to force them into a vision all your own is the definition of evil.

It requires a great deal of fear, bitterness, and selfishness to withhold love. I was withholding love from my daughter. She has literally changed me. I am a better mom because of her. I am a better woman because of her. And I thank God our worlds collided, and she won.

Hello. Terah here. I am a proud wife and mommy of three kids, two of which are on the Autism spectrum. As a freelance writer, recording artist and author, I share life stories in hopes to inspire and encourage others to want better in life.

Patience, Love & Creativity

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Quarantined in Motherhood

By Tara Mandarano

I remember bringing my newborn baby home from the hospital six years ago in the dead of winter. Almost immediately, I was plunged into a dark room filled to the brim with postpartum anxiety and depression. There was no way out. No windows. No key. The isolation and desolation were overwhelming. It was as if time had been put on pause in our house. My life seemed to be taking place on another planet—one I never thought I would visit. The daily routine of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation made me feel like a zombie.

I longed to travel back to my old abode, but it no longer existed.

That harrowing postpartum experience has always stayed with me. Six years later, flashbacks of that traumatic time visit me daily. I am reminded of it now as we all try our best to survive the strange and unexpected new world of COVID-19. Since our school’s officially closed and my daughter has been home with us full-time, I realize that this place I inhabit is all too familiar.

Once again, I have become a mother forced into quarantine.

It can be super stressful to juggle work schedules with my husband, but parenting is definitely the hardest part of my day. Having an only child confined to a house with two parents who aren’t always available to be playmates sucks.

It’s a constant battle of wills, and I frequently watch myself crawling up the same four walls. My low-level anxiety, which usually just hums in the background of my life, is slowly drowning me. My casual and rare imbibing of alcohol has completely gone out the window. I have taken up drinking in the early evenings.

Remote learning has been a disaster for our family. The first two weeks were a novelty. My daughter enjoyed seeing her friends and the videos of their “News of the Day.” But we didn’t know then how long this pretending-to-be-educators gig would go on for. We were game at the beginning, because we didn’t want her to fall behind her peers.

It all seemed sustainable, until suddenly, it wasn’t.

When you’re a mother with diagnoses of bipolar II, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, a more severe form of PMS), the everyday obstacles that pop up with a bored and unmotivated kid are a lot more overwhelming. How can I support my child and remain patient in the midst of her meltdowns when I am staggering mentally myself, despite my newfound addiction to chamomile tea?

In the early days of social distancing and trying to put a positive spin on things, I too posted pictures of my daughter and me painting rocks with motivational messages. The colorful hopscotch game we spray-painted on our driveway. The cute sign we created for sanitation workers and taped on our compost bin. They were all worthwhile activities to teach my daughter how we could play our part in a small way. But as this quarantine has dragged on, the inclination to take walks and see the unique ways our neighbors are honoring our frontline workers has slowly dwindled.

There have been many moments when I have simply broken down, walked upstairs and fallen face-first on my bed. Times I’ve closed the blinds and shut the door and waited for this ridiculous never-ending situation to end. But it hasn’t happened, and I’ve had to dig deep to find shreds of my own resilience and ingenuity. Not just for me, but for my husband and daughter.

They need me.

And sometimes I win, and my daughter and I have a good time. We enjoy hours together riding our bikes outside. One day we even made our own version of a Captain Underpants book, featuring a female superhero sidekick. Later we hid the hand-drawn pages for my husband to find in a treasure hunt. It was some much-needed fun.

The pendulum of parenting seems to be regularly swinging to extremes these days.

Maybe tomorrow will be different, but I’m not going to pretend it’s all right when it’s not. My most important job may be as a mother, but I am still a human being. I am allowed to be overwhelmed and sad. To express how worried I am for my well-being. I’m sure I’m not alone in this parenting spiral. But it’s not something most people in my real-life circle want to hear about.

They want me to toughen up, take it one day at a time and think positively, but it’s not easy. I don’t want to post COVID haircuts or snaps of homemade bread. Instead, I’ve managed to find my tribe of kindred spirits online: strangers and mothers I’ve never met who just get it, and also admit how they’re unraveling, bit by bit.

In my darkest moments during this pandemic, the hardest thing to deal with as a mother is the deficit of hope. My home feels like a jail. My heart is hanging on for dear life. All this social distancing is doing its best to knock me off the rails. And the usual problems of parenthood are harder to get through unscathed.

While we wait this out, I don’t want to live on the tragedy end of the motherhood spectrum. Most of all, I want her to be able to see her friends, go back to school and not feel detained. I want her to have her own life, so I can have mine back again.

This post originally appeared on Motherwell.

Tara Mandarano is a Best of the Net–nominated writer and editor, and an advocate for patients in the mental health and chronic illness communities. Her recent work is featured in the anthology BIG: Stories About Life in Plus-Sized Bodies. She has also been published in The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Reader's Digest, Motherwell, The Week, and Today's Parent. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

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Thank You, Boobs

By Laura Hill

For some reason pregnant people ask me for advice on newborns. I don’t know why because I hate newborns (I mean—I love my children more than life itself—they know this and exploit my weakness and try to kill me with sleep deprivation torture and boob infections.)

My advice is this and it sucks because it’s not advice: The weirdest thing about having a baby is not that a human lives in your house who didn’t exist last year, it’s BOOBS. Boobs rule your life.

NOW LET ME BE CLEAR: Your baby needs food to live and if that food is formula, PLEASE FEED YOUR BABY AND DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. OMG staaaaaaaap with the mom-shaming, boob tyrants (I’m looking at you, Le Leche League).

Either way, for the first week at least, your boobs rule your life.

You will feel your feelings in your boobs.

You will feel your baby’s feelings in your boobs.

You will feel the f*cking weather in your boobs.

Your boobs own you.

My boobs took ownership a few short years ago on March 22 at about 1 a.m. when a nurse put the girl baby on me and she bit me so hard my nipple folded in half (bad pronoun. The baby, not the nurse. Nurses don’t bite). It bruised that way, in a straight line, and then cracked and developed mastitis which tried to kill me a little bit. MOTHERHOOD IS A BEAUTIFUL MIRACLE LOL arrrrrgggggh.

Then everything got easier. I made enough milk, she drank enough milk. Breastfeeding became easy and convenient and I loved it. Not everyone feels this way, including Queen Victoria and she was the QUEEN! But I liked it. It went well.

The girl was easy to wean. At 17 months, she stopped asking and I stopped offering. She was a Le Leche League poster child. My body didn’t even go back to “normal” yet when my boobs (not my brain—most definitely not my brain) made me say to my husband, “I wouldn’t mind being pregnant.”

Here we are. My second child, the boy, is almost 20 months old. And it’s happening. He’s weaning.

On Monday night he nursed.

On Tuesday morning he asked for a waffle instead of Gaga.

Gaga is his name for my boobs. I don’t know why or how he came up with that name but everyone knows because, every time I picked him up from daycare in the last six months, he would jab his cute, stubby finger into my breast bone and yell, “Gaga!” until I either whipped it out or forced him, hysterical, into the car seat so we could Gaga in the privacy of our own home.

On Tuesday night my husband put him to bed and I tried to work up some emotion about the end of the era but I felt nothing but glee. I would be free! I could take ALL THE DRUGS (jk hugs not drugs)! I could drink all the alchomahalz (jk I can’t drink more than one unit or I fall asleep)! I can get a tattoo (maybe)! I can buy REAL BRAS (DEFINITELY)!

On Wednesday, at naptime, the boy remembered Gaga. “GAGA GAGA GAGA!” He screamed. But it was too late! Wasn’t it? My boobs began to question, threatening to break free from their sports-bra enclosure. I left him to scream and put the girl down for a nap. When I came back in he reached for me. I picked him up, feeling like I was going to crumble. I was going to do whatever he asked of me. And he let me hold him. He didn’t ask for anything at all. I put him down and he went right to sleep.

I sobbed. I blubbered. I was breathless, unable to utter a sentence. My husband insisted on video chatting with me from work. He praised me for being strong (he has selfish motives, of course, but also pure ones). I cried and cried and cried and ate chocolate to chase away the dementors and read some articles online that made me feel bad (LLL….I SEEEEE YOU) and some that made me feel better (Kelly Mom, way to go), and did some work, and…

It’s over. No more Gaga.

It was my boobs that were sad, not me. Lady Gaga was crying, not me. She was gonna miss being of use. She was going to miss being gloriously resplendent, unable to be contained by a simple underwire. She was going to miss spending time with that sweet little baby, who always held my hand as he fed. She didn’t want to deflate into withered old hag bags. It wasn’t me! IT WAS GAGA!

I was gripped by a crashing wave of loneliness. My husband told me I’d feel better soon. He agreed it was the hormones making me hysterical, not me. I’m FINE. I’m HAPPY.

Gaga was commander-in-chief. And it’s over. I’m in charge now.

Thank you Gaga.

 

Laura Wheatman Hill lives in Portland, Oregon with her dentist and two children. She blogs about parenting, writes about everything, and teaches English and drama when not living in an apocalyptic dystopia. Her work has appeared on Sammiches and Psych Meds, Her View From Home, Scary Mommy, and Motherwell.

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4 Steps to Emerge from “Mommy Rut”

By Ruthi Davis

Dear Confessional,

I don’t think it’s a mid-life crisis moment that I went through, although some may say it could sound similar. I wasn’t depressed, I don’t think. I wasn’t sad in any way. Maybe bored a bit? Confused perhaps? Contemplating in some way. Whatever you want to call it, I was re-awakening, re-defining, re-evaluating, and emerging from my chrysalis as a new version of my former self. Yes, that’s the way I would describe it exactly.

The more that I speak to other moms, the more that I come to understand that this peculiar phase in motherhood is all too well shared, but often not verbalized. The term that I have coined for this strange, often temporary cloud, is the “Mommy Rut.”

Many of us have experienced some essence of this period. From lively 20-something year olds, we generally have a clear vision of our profession and then work our academic and professional lives until we get there. Marriage and babies enter the picture in a beautiful way, but then everything changes.

New moms are typically unprepared or forewarned for the way that parenthood reshapes a marriage, your personality, your long-term plan whether as a stay-at-home mom or returning to work. Balancing mommy life and wife-life, not to mention putting work on hiatus or returning a bit more exhausted and distracted, can take quite a toll. The sleep deprivation and cold meals, leftovers from the kids’ plates, or even eating standing up may not be how you would have envisioned this parenting scenario, even if you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Then just when you think that you’ve mastered your daily routine enough to leave the house before lunchtime and/or getting your bundle of kids to school on time, this new wave slams into you, head on.

Identifying the “Mommy Rut”

One morning, I returned home from dropping the kids off at school and realized that I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I stopped smiling and laughing as much because I was so focused on keeping the kids safe, well-fed, on time, and house in order. I felt like a robot or drill sergeant. I didn’t have time for me. I didn’t look at myself anymore because it didn’t matter. Everything was about the kids, my husband, and my home.

When I finally did look in the mirror, I realized that I needed to re-focus and re-awaken out of this mom-fog. I wasn’t sad, and I wasn’t regretful even one molecule—perhaps I was a shell of former myself who was going through the motions, but not fulfilling my dreams, feeling energized, or really loving and accepting myself inside and out… because I didn’t have the time or the mental clarity. I was a semblance of myself without a “whole” definition.

That’s when I woke up and realized that I was in the midst of “Mommy Rut,” even in my 30-something years.

Taking Action

This was my chrysalis moment. I needed to do some deep soul-searching to figure out who I truly wanted to become and then devise a plan to make it happen. Something deep inside of me was itchy, and I didn’t know where to begin to change it, so I simply made this mental list and went from there.

Personal:

One thing was for certain—my mom-bod just didn’t do it for me. I wanted my 20-something vibe back. I wanted to look at myself and see the best version of me. So I did.

  • I started by not being the human garbage disposal (GDS syndrome) and was more careful about what I put into my mouth. Every extra handful counts!
  • I made myself a priority too and made sure that my meals were warm and sitting down. I ate more often and in smaller portions. My mouthfuls were nutritionally meaningful—not a handful of emotional carb-stuffing to justify a mom time-out.
  • I dressed to impress MYSELF, even if my 20-something fashion evolved a bit since. I wanted to feel good about who I saw in the mirror, inside and out. * I rallied myself around a great group of mom friends from the kids’ school and made it a point to be social. After all, girl friends are the best people to relate. They just get it—and it feels good to not feel like you’re on an island of mommy moments.
  • I became more active and joined Zumba. Not only did I love the excuse for an extra social hour, but I also toned up and got to get my jam on.

Fun Mom:

Perhaps the most disgruntling feeling was not feeling fun anymore. I know I can be, but somehow along the way I lost it a little when my main focus was keeping the peace, and maintaining health and safety of the troop. I felt more like a crossing guard/cafeteria monitor than a fun parent. Something had to change.

  • I stopped raising my voice so much. I allowed the children to make mistakes and earn consequences that were there’s alone. My tone remained supportive, centered, and loving. I stopped being a Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde parent.
  • I put my phone down and engaged more.
  • I put the dishes and laundry away later so that I could be more present.
  • I created personal projects with the children so we could have special moments together and feel proud.
  • I played more music in the house, and we all danced more. We stopped living in a glass house.
  • We cooked together more, and the kids were given more responsibilities to feel engaged, helpful, and appreciated.
  • I spent more time with each child before bedtime to talk about every detail from the day.

Marriage Boost:

Every marriage goes through exciting waves of intimacy and emotional connection, and also hits a few lulls along the way. Those lulls seem to lend to a lot of butting heads too. Sometimes the inside rut causes a stale vibe with others too. I needed to get out of the funk and feel sexy and supportive again.

  • I stopped creating expectations for how I would do things, and stepped back. I became more appreciative and thankful.
  • I offered ways for my husband to succeed with the children, instead of criticizing.
  • I opened up more about my anxieties, fears, concerns, and leaned on my best friend, husband, for support.
  • Intimacy became often and incredible, and so we connected more in the everyday.
  • We began messaging each other encouraging and loving notes throughout the day.

Professional Prowess:

I loved my number one job of being a total full-time mom. I’m not complaining at all, but honestly, that former part of myself that dressed up for work and felt professional with real adults using big vocabulary was missing a bit. I wanted to do something that was just mine, just for me. I needed to make a plan for a professional role that wouldn’t get in the way of my main, most important job of parenting, availability, and flexibility for the kids.

  • I redefined my honest and deep professional aspirations. I spoke to peers and friends, and discovered new ideas.
  • I made a plan and began in small steps. I focused only on the tasks for that day and made sure to conquer them, one step and a time.
  • I took chances. I constantly risked rejection and put myself out on the line, over and over again. My passion for my profession drives and compels me to be unstoppable, whether I win some or loose some.
  • My vision started to become realized and grow, expand. I was finally chasing—and catching—my dream job.

Effects of Digging Out

Something incredible started to happen over the last couple of months. I started to smile again. I started to laugh whole-heartedly. I started to feel happy, sexy, proud, fulfilled, and loved—not just by those who surrounded me—but by my own person. My family feels it too.

You see, I emerged from that chrysalis. I opened my eyes from that mom-fog—“Mommy Rut”—and rediscovered myself again. There was no more guilt, no more frustration, no more discomfort in action or inaction, and no self-doubt. I felt free, and it feels right. I was succeeding in every facet, because I defined my needs, made a plan, made the change, and started to feel whole once again.

Test it out and make a plan. You deserve to look, feel, and be your best. Love yourself, and you will then find the ability to love everyone else with your entire core.  As for me, I am proud to settle in my new butterfly suit… and soar.   

with Love,

Ruthi

Ruthi Davis is a the Founder of Ruth Davis Consulting LLC with over two decades of success in advertising/marketing, media/publicity, business development, client relations, and organizational optimization for a variety of clients. Ruthi is a proud mom and influencer in the parenting and family market as founder of the Superfly Supermom brand.

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