In addition to navigating the unavoidable sleep deprivation and all-around adjustment to taking care of a tiny human, Jonas is also experiencing his first round of unsolicited parenting advice. And Mr. Jonas—we’ve all been there.
Sitting down for the interview, Jimmy Fallon asks straight up, “Is everyone giving you advice, giving you books?” A dad himself, Fallon knows just what happens when you become a parent—you instantly become a parenting expert and thus, must bestow your worldly wisdom upon new parents (insert sarcasm).
But Jonas takes it in stride, commenting, “Turns out everybody I know is a newborn care specialist. All these PhDs I didn’t know they had.” We all know dishing out parenting advice usually comes with the best of intentions, but it doesn’t mean it’s not obnoxious, even to celebs.
In the meantime, Jonas looks like he’s settling into his role as dad quite well (we don’t even see bags under his eyes!). He and Chopra brought home Malti Marie around Mother’s Day after she was welcomed via surrogate and spent over three months in the NICU.
We haven’t seen much of the sweet baby girl as the family of three settles into a routine, but after so much time in the NICU, we don’t blame them one bit. After such an intense experience, we bet Nick will be sharing his own parenting advice in the near future. Hey, it’s a rite of passage!
People who think maternity leave is a vacation have clearly never taken one. From sleep deprivation to the endless needs of the baby to the drawn-out mental and physical recovery, a new mom is hardly taking a break from reality like a (much-deserved) vacation would allow.
A video from Motherly is showing exactly what it’s like to navigate this precious time that moms both love and drudge through. Because as much as the time is “magical” per the video, it’s so, so hard.
In a nutshell, moms (and toddlers) never stop moving. If it’s not endless toy cleanup and cluster feeding, it’s catching up on sleep and emails or any number of other household chores.
While maternity leave looks different for everyone, there are many similarities moms are navigating together post-pandemic. In their annual State of Motherhood survey, Motherly dug into the landscape of parenting for 2022.
One of the biggest changes in the last several years is that more women are wanting fewer children. The survey reports that 9% of women are less likely to want another child in 2021, compared to 13% for 2020. Sixty-eight percent say they are happy with one child, which is up 20% from 2020.
While 38% of moms share they feel burned out, 55% of stay-at-home moms report they feel this constantly or frequently. But there is good news on the horizon, as the survey pinpoints several ways women feel they could turn their sentiments around.
Forty percent of moms say support would help, with 30% believing that access to more resources would assist them in achieving a better work-life balance. With this in mind, 28% of moms firmly believe it’s time for policies and legislation to change, especially when it comes to paid family leave.
You can read the entire State of Motherhood survey on mother.ly.
Researchers reviewed 357 publications from high-income countries that studied tension-type headaches, migraines and headaches in hopes of updating documentation to improve health services. “Headache disorders are revealed as one of the major public-health concerns globally and in all countries and world regions,” says the study. Headache disorders are more than just head pain––they cause a disruption to your life due to consistent pain.
Not only are headache disorders a big deal for everyone, they seem to impact women twice as much as men. The study found that females experienced migraines and headaches as many as 15 times or more each month (which is two to three times more than men). While it sounds astounding, there are actual physiological reasons for the difference.
Dr. Gayatri Devi, professor of neurology at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra Northwell, told TODAY that hormones are a big reason, with many women having more migraines around their period. Prior to that, boys actually have more migraines than girls says Dr. Lauren Natbony, director at Integrative Headache Medicine of New York. “After puberty, the incidence of migraine among girls increases. After menopause, once estrogen levels drop, you have stable hormones, and the prevalence actually decreases,” she says.
Women also tend to get more periods due to posture that leads to shoulder and neck tension. Dr. Devi shares “Your hip bone is connected to your knee bone (and) ankle bone. So, basically, all that gets transferred to your head. It causes pain in your neck, which causes tension-type headaches, which can also trigger migraine headaches.”
And of course, you can also thank sleep deprivation and stress to giving you that dreaded headache. Both issues are known to contribute to them and are much more common in women than men.
As terrible as headaches are, there are ways to treat them. Incorporate exercise, good sleep habits and healthy foods into your diets. Keep track of your headaches so you can identify triggers and so you can share with your doctor, and don’t be afraid to bring up the idea of medication with your physician.
Traveling is hard. Traveling with young children is even harder. Now add changing timezones into the mix, and jet lag has the potential to completely ruin a vacation. Before hitting cancel on those travel plans, there are certain assurances you can put in place to make traveling with kids a smoother ride. Keep reading to discover a few tips and cures for jet lag.
So you're changing timezones. Why can't your brain just get the rest of your body on the right schedule? It's not that simple. "Jetlag throws us off both physically and emotionally," shares sleep expert and author of The Compassionate Sleep Solution, Eileen Henry, "Children are like tuning forks to the emotional state of the grownups in charge. When we are in this compromised state, it is difficult to be a strong emotional anchor for our little ones."
Jet lag can leave adults feeling anxious, stressed and cranky. Not the best state of mind for parenting. Additionally, getting sleep as a parent is tough enough. Add in jet lag, and parents are likely to be nearing exhaustion and their breaking point. For some already anxious parents, worrying about the unknown and everything that can or may go wrong, can spike their anxiety.
Before setting out, put a plan in place. "On a long flight, go in with a plan—and do your best to stick to it," says Molly Fergus, Vice President and General Manager of TripSavvy.
"To start, consider booking your travel during the daytime if you can, planning to land in the afternoon or evening time if you’re flying," says Erin Leichman, Ph.D., NCSP, "All babies and young children are different, but this might help your little one to adjust to something like a new time zone." Make sure to arrive early for your train, plane or whatever your mode of travel. Getting there on time, prepared, and ready to go, is the first start to a calmer trip. Think the opposite of Home Alone's running through the airport to catch a last-minute flight.
And while you might handle jet lag just fine, children usually have a harder time adjusting. Make a list of your child's daily routine, and consider how it might be interrupted. Start getting your child prepared for the changes by making some small changes at home.
"Avoid jet lag in the first place by shifting your children's schedule in the new place to line up with home," shares Devon Clement is a postpartum doula, newborn care specialist, and baby sleep coach, "For example, a 7 p.m. bedtime in California is 10 p.m. in NYC—just keep them up late, and let them sleep in! Even if you split the difference, you'll have an easier time getting home than if you tried to do 7 p.m. in your new time zone."
Finally, the night before, make sure everyone in the family is packed and gets a good night's sleep. This will help ensure a smoother morning/day of travel.
On the Journey
Kate Loweth
Besides arriving early, here's one for the parents: As tempting as it might be, do not over caffeinate! "Just be tired and try to go to sleep at a normal time," says Devon Clement, "Caffeine can make sleep elusive even if you're completely exhausted, and it becomes a vicious cycle of sleep deprivation."
Make sure to have protein-packed snacks on hand for both you and your child. Staying well-fed and hydrated is important for keeping blood sugar level and energy up. Be prepared for possible temper tantrums and have distractions on hand just in case. Here are our top things every parent should have in a carry-on bag and the best hacks for flying with kids.
Scope out the sleeping situation. Try and keep your child's sleeping area as similar to the home as possible. "Once you arrive, keep as many routines and schedules, such as sleep times and mealtimes, as consistent as you can," says Dr. Leichman, "This can help your child (and you!) get the best sleep possible. Do the same bedtime routine steps and consider bringing your child’s favorite toy, blanket or bedtime book." Sometimes it helps to bring along a white noise machine in case the hotel or sleeping accommodations are louder than at home. There's a good chance sleep will be a little off, but keeping everything as comfortable as possible will help your child acclimate more easily.
The above also applies to the return home. "The good news is that young children love routine," says Dr. Leichman, "Do your best to get right back into your normal schedules as soon as you can. Think about your child’s bedtime routine and be sure to read your little one her favorite story, or sing a soothing song that is normally in her routine."
Good news and bad news. Bad news: Your sleep quality takes a dramatic dive once you become a parent. Good news: There are a lot of other parents out there who can sympathize. New data from SWNS drives that point home and shows that more than half the moms and dads surveyed would even consider hiring a babysitter to take over the bedtime routine.
If you have a hard time falling asleep at night, sneak a nap during the day or struggle to get your kids down, you’re not alone! The survey of 2,000 American parents of kids 18 and under found that our lovely offspring are the main reason for sleep deprivation. Forty-six percent of respondents said kids are the main reason they can never fall, or stay, asleep. Almost three-quarters (72%) said they’ll go for a daytime nap when possible. And almost half (44%) don’t drift off to dreamland easily once it’s finally time for bed.
While the average kid bedtime is a reasonable window between 8-9 p.m., we all know it’s not easy getting there. One-third of parents said putting their kids to bed is the biggest sleep routine challenge. Babysitters are traditionally reserved for date nights, but more than half of parents said they’d consider hiring one just to handle bedtime. An unlikely, but admittedly appealing-sounding arrangement some nights.
Mattress company Sealy commissioned the study, which was conducted by OnePoll. Tired parents also reported falling asleep everywhere from the kitchen table to the salon chair. But there’s more good news: It doesn’t last forever (thanks, teenagers). In the meantime, can we recommend a coffee subscription?
Perfect for Father’s Day (not to mention a baby shower or to announce your new arrival to the dad-to-be), this new dad survival kit is both fun and functional. A first-time dad kit will help him settle into his parenting role and get him excited about all the good times to come. Read on for how to create one for your man.
Keep Him Organized If sleep deprivation has your man losing his glasses, this plant holder has a nose and ears to keep his frames at the ready for late-night feedings or early-morning walks. Use a marker to personalize it or leave him notes about what an awesome dad he is.
Gear Up for Outings For the dude who travels light or doesn’t want to share a diaper bag, the Dad Hoodie (shown above) keeps your man looking cool while packing all the essentials he and your baby need. This soft hoodie sports mesh pockets that hold diapers, bottles, snacks and more without weighing down dad or making him look too bulky. Comes in four colors (heather gray, navy, charcoal and black) and five sizes (small-XX large); also comes as a vest in black ($78).
Make Him Mr. Fix It A Swiss army knife will keep him ready for any occasion or issue that comes up, from filing baby's sharp nails to cutting tags off new clothes.
Stock Up on the Basics… Get Dad prepped for diaper-changing duty with a portable changing pad, diaper cream and his own stash of wipes and diapers. Look for a pad in neutral colors he’ll feel comfortable wearing, like the parent-favorite Pronto Signature Changing Station from Skip Hop.
And Then Make Him Laugh Keep Daddy laughing through the biggest diaper blowouts with a few humorous (and inexpensive) accessories, like rubber gloves, a surgical mask, tongs and a drop sheet.
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Show Him Love Pick a onesie with a cute father-related saying splashed across the front, or buy a pint-size jersey from his favorite sports team. Baby and Daddy can have some quality time bonding during the games.
Silence Is Golden Every new parent needs the occasional break. A pair of soundproof headphones will allow the new dad to tune it all out for a bit to recharge.
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Read Between the Lines Foster some daddy & baby bonding time by buying picture books and board books with him in mind. Kisses for Daddy by Frances Watts and David Legge, Daddy Hugs by Karen Katz and I Love My Daddy Because… by Laurel Porter-Gaylord are a few titles sure to become favorites for both of them.
Chocolate Treat Add your favorite chocolate bar to your daddy survival kit with a label reading: “In case of emergency, give to Mommy.” You’ll get a laugh from your man and a good snack when you need it!
Smell the Coffee Stock your daddy survival kit with his favorite caffeinated beverage or gift cards to his regular coffee shop where he can grab a cup to refuel.
A Bite to Eat A man can’t live on caffeine alone, so be sure to include a nice selection of snacks. Make it salty or sweet, or some of each, for those times when he’s too wiped to whip up a meal. Snacks will keep him fueled up for helping out with all those middle-of-the-night feedings.
And Speaking of Beverages… Buy him a mug that says “Number 1 Dad” or “Super Dad” or do good with the stylish Welly Bottle (shown above). The company donates a portion of profits to bringing clean water to those in need. This sleek bottle comes with a removable infuser for brewing tea or infusing fruit into his water. It keeps drinks cold for 24 hours or hot for 14 hours.
Wrap It Up Wrap up your gifts in the Dad Hoodie shown above, a sturdy plastic bucket or a laundry basket, all containers he’ll be able to use in his adventures in fatherhood.
In the land of kids and monsters, Sleep Monster wouldn’t let anyone sleep a wink. Although Sleep Monster said it was fun not to sleep, he was telling a lie. Kids and monsters alike were tired and cranky, but no one knew what to do.
And so begins the saga of the Sleep Monster who discourages sleep and well-being for everyone around him. Sleep Monster is related to the Worry Monster who appears in the author’s popular book on children’s anxiety. Now the author addresses ways to tame the sleep monster as another important health focus for families.
The Importance of Sleep in Children
Sleep is an essential building block for your child’s mental and physical health. Scientists know that a child who consistently gets a good night’s sleep is more creative, can concentrate longer, can solve problems better, is able to remember new things, has more energy, has a more robust immune system, and can create and maintain good relations with others.
But, according to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, almost half of American children do not get enough sleep. The risk factors for sleep-deprived children are great. Many of these children show signs of increased irritability, stress, forgetfulness, problems learning, low motivation, and high levels of anxiety. Often sleep-deprived children’s behaviors will mimic ADHD leading to incorrect diagnoses and treatment. As if these issues weren’t enough, prolonged sleep deprivation can worsen existing behavior problems and contribute to depression and anxiety.
Physically, kids who do not get enough sleep are at risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, smaller stature, weakened immune system, and obesity. According to sleep experts, the link between obesity and weight gain is related. Along with fast food and insufficient exercise, lack of sleep is a factor in weight gain.
How Much Sleep Does Your Child Need?
The National Sleep Foundation recommends the following guidelines for the amount of sleep needed per day (naps included):
Toddlers: 11-14 hours
Pre-schoolers: 10 -13 hours
Children 6-13 years: 9 -11 hours
Teenagers 14-17 years: 8 -10 hours
What Interferes with a Good Night’s Sleep?
Sleep is a complex, yet imperative biological function. For children, there are many factors that interfere with sleeping well, with one of the biggest problems being screen time. According to the National Sleep Foundation, using electronic devices before bed (especially small screens held close to the face) interferes with the release of melatonin—the hormone that helps us sleep. This is mainly due to the blue light emitted from the screen, which can be the equivalent of drinking a cup of coffee. Parents wouldn’t say, “Why don’t you have a cup of coffee and go to bed.” Yet when screens are allowed in the evening, the effect can be similar.
Other risk factors include living below the poverty line, lack of caregiver information about the importance of sleep, adverse home life, and mental health issues. One of the biggest mental health issues is anxiety—the number one referring problem to mental health providers in the world.
Anxiety is like a constantly dripping faucet. Worrying thoughts come into the brain like water from a leaky faucet and it seems impossible to stop them. Soon the thoughts get to a very high level and will cause real damage if not controlled. The anxious dripping thoughts are often worse at night. The anxious child lays awake in bed, unable to shut off the worries and unable to sleep. Then he worries that he is not sleeping. It is a vicious cycle. The book, Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid’s Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries, addresses the topic of kids’ anxiety and offers many concrete solutions to lower worry.
Ways to Tame the Sleep Monster
It is important to carry out good sleep hygiene, which refers to healthy sleep habits. The behaviors and choices your child makes during the day and especially at night affect how well he or she sleeps. Seattle Children’s offers an excellent handout on tips to help children sleep well. Some of their tips plus other ideas are described below.
1. Keep consistent bedtimes and wake times every day of the week. Changing times on the weekend can throw a sleep schedule off.
2. Keep your child’s bedroom cool, quiet, and comfortable. Make sure the mattress and pillow are of good quality.
3. Keep your child’s bed for sleeping only. Discourage the use of electronic devices or reading in bed, so the bed won’t become associated with wakefulness.
4. Limit electronic devices and anything with high stimulation to within an hour of bedtime.
5. Bedtime should include a predictable sequence of events like bath, brush teeth, quiet talk, story, and lights out.
6. Relaxation techniques have become more popular and effective. Try deep, slow abdominal breathing or remembering positive scenes from past events. There are a number of apps that offer mediation for children’s sleep.
7. Turn the clock away from view. Clock watching at night only increases anxiety about not sleeping.
8. Physical exercise and being outside are important every day, but don’t exercise within 2 hours of sleep time.
9. Security objects at bedtime can be helpful.
10. Limit caffeine and soda after 2 p.m. Caffeine can fragment sleep.
11. Worry time should not be at bedtime. There are a number of wonderful techniques for handling worries in children. In addition to the author’s book, her blogs include articles on how to build a Worry Box and how to use Worry Time. Do not let anxiety interfere with your child’s sleep. Anxiety is controllable.
Good sleep is essential for all kids (and adults). It’s imperative to discuss why sleep is important, how sleep deprivation hurts kids, sleep requirements, and offers concrete tips on ways to tame the sleep monster. Just like the Worry Monster, the Sleep Monster can be managed. Hopefully, the end of our story could be—In the land of kids and monsters, everyone sleeps well.
I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW.
All I want is a cup of coffee. Hot, dark coffee to start the day. But the baby is crying, the toddler is whining and, even though I’m doing my best, I still I can’t seem to make anyone happy in this moment.
This morning, I went to change the little one’s diaper and the poop came spewing at me, faster than I could react. It shot into my hair, it got all over the sheets of my bed, it somehow ended up on all the clean diapers I had placed next to her. It was everywhere. Like a bomb of mustard popcorn had exploded. It was disgusting. At least it smelled like popcorn, but it was still disgusting.
Now we’re in the kitchen and I must have turned the stove up too high because those eggs cooked way too fast and they are looking a little charred. “Yuck. Those eggs are not fresh,” says my big girl. “I would like peanut butter and jelly, not THAT.” Tears, a whole three-year-old body flailed to the ground out of protest. The plate almost crashes before I can lunge for it.
I take a mental step back. Out. Away. What do I actually have to accomplish right now? Breakfast for a three-year–old. Yes. Breastmilk for a four-month-old. Yes. Coffee for myself. Yes. Beyond that, the world is our oyster today. I get myself out of my own bubble, I look in on myself, half-dressed with baby vomit on my sweatshirt, hair kinked and messy, a house strewn with toys (that I swear I just picked up last night – how on earth did they get all over the house again so soon?) and I have to laugh. It’s either that or cry at my desperation for caffeine in a moment like this.
Deep breath in. Here we are. Let the edges of my vision get fuzzy where dust bunnies and piled laundry and a few stacked dishes lay waiting. I’ll get to them. Exhale out. The worry of bills and work and sleep-deprivation. Deep sigh. No one really needs me on social media right now. Set my phone aside. Turn on music. Focus on where I am right now.
In a year, my baby will be big, my toddler will be bigger, this messy moment will not matter. Not in the way I feel like it does right now. Can I make the choice to just breath, focus on what is right in front of me and not worry about the next day or hour? And to chuckle, at myself, at this brief instant in my life?
Yogis and psychologists call this meditating – I call it, “Out of the Bubble.” It’s just a concrete metaphor for removing yourself emotionally from the situation – even just for a moment – so you can get a little perspective.
Imagine yourself sitting on top of a huge glass bubble and you’re inside it with your child, having your moment. You can see what’s going on but you’re not a part of it, instead you’re an observer. You notice what’s going on before your eyes but it’s going on in front of you, not to you, like you’re watching yourself in a movie. Suddenly, as you breathe and observe, you’re not so caught up in how horrible everything is right then. You have emotional distance and gain some objectivity.
Of course, breathing in and out and while using imagery is not going to solve every problem you ever have as a parent, and you may not be able to even use this strategy every time you have a crazy day. When you can use it, though, you’ll feel yourself relax and develop mindfulness. You’ll build resilience in yourself and your kids as they watch you learn how to cope in stressful situations.
Using breathing and mindfulness is an amazing trip for reducing stress in new parents specifically, since those early “dog days” of parenting seem to sometimes be never-ending.
You’ve heard the cliché speeches from those who have already lived it: “It’ll be over before you know it. That time is so precious, don’t wish it away.” Of course, they’re right. But until you make it over that steep, dry mountain of early parenting, over to the lush green (in some ways easier) valley that’s waiting for you, it doesn’t feel brief, or precious or wistful. It feels, literally, like poop and eggs and spit-up all over your hair.
Oh, sweet new (or seasoned) parent standing in the kitchen just trying to get a cup of coffee, just laugh and breath. It’s all you can do.
I'm a pediatrician and a mama mindset expert. I host The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, and am a mom to two young girls in Portland, Oregon. I'm also author of The New Baby Blueprint and The Working Mom Blueprint from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
No matter how old your kids are, if they are living with you, then this quarantine is intense. There are many similarities between lockdown with children and the first years of motherhood. Some happiness, some sorrows, definitely not enough alone time, extreme emotional challenges, and a dizzying reorientation to an entirely different reality while care-taking non-stop— this is life for a mother in pandemic lockdown. This is also life for many postpartum moms.
When I was in my postpartum phase as a new mom, I felt a whole range of emotions. I definitely felt joy sometimes, and love. But I also felt so many harder things too. Complex experiences of grief, feeling trapped, intense anxiety, depression, and the pain of isolation. I can say the same for this pandemic time period with children as well. It is different, of course, but the main themes of healing are mirrors. The struggle is similar, and so is the salve.
Grief
Grieving is a layered and nuanced process. Sometimes it is barely noticeable, and sometimes it’s full-on. There is so much to grieve postpartum: Your old life, your free time, your ability to sleep through the night, your previous body, connection to your sense of self, and more. In pandemic reality, we are also grieving—the loss of the world we once knew, things we had to let go of, trips we couldn’t take, losing a job or income, being able to go to our favorite coffee shop, the free time during the day while kids were at school, a sense of normalcy, connecting with our friends, our ability to gather in groups, a reality without mandatory masks, and a whole host of other things. Both postpartum and pandemic realities require us to face and feel our grief, or try really hard to run away from it and cover it up.
Feeling Trapped
Being with a baby nonstop for months is really extreme. Especially for breastfeeding moms, you really can’t leave for long without a complicated process that involves strong suction cups on your nipples. Being with your children nonstop for months in lockdown, with no school to send them to and no office to go to or restaurant to rest in, is also extreme. We are literally trapped in our homes with our families because our liberties to move around the world have been halted. We can’t travel, can’t do that spring break vacation, or go on a spa day. Both of these experiences, postpartum and pandemic life, can evoke very strong feelings of being trapped which can provoke a wide range of emotions from anger, fear, rage, sadness to extreme annoyance or hypersensitivity.
Anxiety
With a new baby and barely any time to rest or be alone, anxiety can spike in a mother. There is so much to constantly track and take care of, so much inner emotion and experience to process with not enough space for it, with so little sleep and so many new responsibilities—many moms find these early months and years to be full of anxious energy. Similarly, here in lockdown we are stuck in homes with way too much responsibility of homeschooling or looking after children nonstop without enough time off or help and sometimes while working from home as well. Plus the added intensity of processing all the emotions and grief from the pandemic without the proper introspective time to do it makes this whole thing an anxious mess for many mamas.
Depression
Whether it’s baby blues or full-on postpartum depression, many mothers experience downs during their early motherhood time. The sleep deprivation, all the responsibility, the anxiety, the unprocessed emotions, the complexity of it all, the new learning that happens every single day with an unpredictable small being can lead to a shutting down inside that requires deep rest and healing. In this pandemic experience, we too are overloaded with all that is happening outside in the world, in our own homes and within ourselves, and it can lend itself to bouts of depression, even in those who don’t normally experience it.
Isolation
Feeling cut off from friends, family and the outside world can trigger a stressful experience of isolation in new mothers. No longer can they go out whenever they like, see their friends, go to their favorite bar whenever they want, etc. Deeper than that, they often find it hard to express what they are going through and feel emotionally isolated even with people around or that they are in contact with. This can be said equally about the pandemic. We are literally isolated in our homes and unable to go about the world and connect with who we please. It also can be really challenging to maintain relationships we already have in this time because of all the extreme internal experiences that sometimes are hard to express or find words for.
Be very gentle with yourself right now in this pandemic time. You are in a deep process that is similar to postpartum, and it is very complex and intense. You deserve tender care and support wherever you can get it, and as much rest as you can find. Spend time journaling, being with yourself, practicing supportive movement or meditation. Eat healthy food and get some exercise, even if it’s just lifting your kid around to music. Do your best to pick habits that bolster your mental health whenever you can. And, when you need to, just binge watch that show and eat some cookies or whatever, because honey, this is hard. Reach out to mental health professionals to support you at this time if you are struggling, and check on your friends. The more honest we can be with each other about what we are dealing with, the less alone we all will feel, and the more connected to healing and happiness we become, even in the hardest times.
Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.
There are all kinds of beliefs, myths, misunderstandings, and assumptions about the postpartum phase of women’s lives. A time when society says women should be overjoyed with their new baby is often fraught with complex emotions, utter exhaustion, conflicting feelings, too many opinions and not enough help. Yes, some of the challenges that come during the postpartum period are due to hormones, but it is so much more than that. With growing awareness about the hardships of the postpartum phase and media attention around new postpartum depression treatments, it’s time to set the record straight about what postpartum really is, what causes the challenges within it and how to help.
First of all, postpartum itself isn’t a condition. Every single mother goes through postpartum. It is simply the period of time after a woman gives birth. Some people think of it as only the first six weeks after giving birth, or the first three months, known as the “fourth trimester.” But in actuality, the postpartum phase lasts for upwards of two years and is filled with different phases, experiences, emotions, and changes.
Within the postpartum period, there is a higher risk than usual for developing mental health challenges. The most common include postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum OCD. Also possible are postpartum psychosis and the development of postpartum addiction. The most well-known of these afflictions is postpartum depression, which is often simply referred to as “postpartum.” But there are many mental health conditions that can develop during this phase, and it is important to expand the definition of and conversation around postpartum to include them.
It’s not simply hormones that contribute to the development of postpartum mental health challenges. Sleep deprivation plays a big role. Also at work is the intensive personal journey women go through in becoming mothers. Especially for first-time moms, it is a huge identity shift to go from childless to a mother. For some, it takes a while for their inner identity to match their new outer reality, and this causes all kinds of mental health complications and strife. Grief, rage, sadness, regret and a whole host of challenging emotions can arise along with the joy of holding a tiny baby skin to skin. It can be hard to reckon with all the conflicting emotions and hard to process feelings. Another related aspect is the sudden onset of no longer having enough time to care for oneself. One day, it’s just you doing you. The next, it’s you caring for another being who is incredibly needy 24/7. This is a serious shock to the system and takes time to adjust to. All the pressure to be there, not enough time for herself, too much demand on her body, the intensive healing process that happens after giving birth, all swirled together very often leads to a high amount of anxiety for a new mother, which itself can lead to OCD, psychosis or depression. It’s all interrelated and complex.
Some other big contributors to mental health challenges in the postpartum period are lack of meaningful connection with other adults and not enough help. A new baby naturally puts a strain on all a woman’s relationships, so that takes a toll. Also, there is a deep isolation that occurs for most new mothers, not only situationally but interpersonally. The experience of becoming a mother is so complex and nuanced, it is hard to communicate what is truly happening inside and therefore can be difficult to feel truly connected to other people and feel understood. There is also a phenomenon that happens of all the attention being on the new baby, and barely any attention on the mother and her feelings. It can feel dehumanizing and create unease within the woman.
Not enough help is also a huge problem. If a woman is lucky, she will have extra support during the first few weeks, but this often wanes. A few months later, after the excitement and newness has worn off for others, she often finds herself all alone or only with the support of her partner, and it is simply too much work for one or two people to reasonably do, while also taking care of a household and earning enough money to provide for their family on not enough sleep. Add to the mix other children along with their needs, and you’ve got a recipe for some serious struggling for most people.
Added to all of this, is the tendency for mothers to not share or talk about the challenges they are going through, as well as a resistance from many to get help where they struggle. This is confirmed by a study from NC State. “Our study finds that many women who would benefit from treatment are not receiving it, because they don’t tell anyone that they’re dealing with any challenges,” says Betty-Shannon Prevatt, a practicing clinical psychologist and Ph.D. student at NC State.
It is also important to mention that many women experience trauma during their birth-giving experience, even if it was a relatively peaceful birth, and need the support of trained professionals to heal from it, yet often do not get or seek out that support. The stigmatization of receiving therapy coupled with the societal pressure to appear perfect and happy as a new mother mix together in a harmful cocktail of not enough permission to express the hard stuff, not enough understanding of it and not enough support with it. Left for too long without proper treatment, even less severe postpartum mental health challenges can escalate into serious problems.
So you see, the solution to postpartum mental health challenges truly extends far beyond medication. New mothers need more support: physically, emotionally, mentally. They need more trusted arms to hold the babies so they can have time off to heal and feel themselves. They need other mothers to talk with and be completely honest with, without the fear of judgment or shaming. They need villages of supportive friends and relatives to continue to help them, far into their first year and beyond. They need to know it’s ok to see a therapist, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about them. They need permission from society and themselves to feel the harder stuff without it meaning that they are a bad, crazy or incapable mom. They need trauma healing. They need sleep. They need more resources and understanding. They need more normalization of all these complex feelings, emotions and challenges. They need listening ears and attentive eyes, strong arms to rest into and warm hearts to connect with.
When women receive all that and more, there will be less postpartum mental health challenges in the world. When these complex experiences and emotions of new motherhood are de-stigmatized and more normalized, medicated less and addressed with holistic, whole-person understanding, and when women are truly supported by the villages they need, postpartum mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, psychosis, OCD, addiction and burnout will lessen and better health for mothers and families will prevail. That’s the truth as I know it, and I will keep working towards it with my words, actions, and intentions. Let’s help create a world with less hardship for mothers and more support for all.
Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.
