Kylie Jenner is opening up about how she regrets getting breast implants when she was a teenager—and how she hopes her daughter doesn’t follow the same path
As the third season of The Kardashians comes to a close, Kylie Jenner used the season finale to make a big confession: she finally confirmed years-long speculation that she got breast implants. Even worse, she admitted that she got them when she was just 19 years old, less than a year before she became a mom to her now-5-year-old daughter, Stormi.
In an emotional conversation with her friend Stassie Karanikoaou, Jenner opened up about how she now regrets having her breasts done and how becoming a mom is what helped change her perspective.
“You know I got my breasts done before Stormi,” she said. “Within six months of having Stormi—not thinking I would have a child when I was 20—like, they were still healing. I had beautiful breasts, like natural tits. Just gorgeous, perfect size, perfect everything. And I just wish, obviously, I never got them done to begin with. I would recommend anyone who is thinking about it to wait until after children.”
Jenner, who is now also a mom to a 1-year-old son, changed her mind about the procedure when she started thinking about how she would feel if Stormi got similar plastic surgery in her teens.
“Obviously I have a daughter,” she said. “I would be heartbroken if she wanted to get her body done at 19. And she’s the most beautiful thing ever. I want to be the best mom and best example for her. And I just wish I could, like, be her and do it all differently, because I wouldn’t touch anything.”
While it’s commendable that Jenner has matured, especially as she’s become a mom, we have to acknowledge the hypocrisy here. She and her family built their careers on having unattainable bodies that were achieved through many plastic surgeries and other cosmetic procedures that are out of reach for most people. The Kardashian-Jenner family enjoys unfathomable wealth and incredible privilege because of the ways they altered their bodies—and in the process, they contributed to creating and maintaining unrealistic beauty standards that have fueled body dysmorphia, eating disorders, low self-esteem, and so much more.
For Jenner to say she’d be heartbroken for her daughter to follow in her footsteps while ignoring the many girls she’s influenced during her time in the public eye just reeks of her privilege—and shows just how out of touch she continues to be.
No matter how hard you try to avoid it, there’s always going to be a moment when your child gets down in the dumps. Maybe they lost a beloved toy on a family trip or accidentally dropped their ice cream cone. Perhaps their favorite book or TV series got discontinued. Sometimes they’re dealing with even larger problems, like when a best friend switches schools or a family member passes away.
In our efforts to help our littles, we might offer some words that we think are helpful. But as parents and caregivers, we have to be careful of what not to say when our kids are sad. Sometimes our words can come off as harsh, while other times they can even make the situation worse. Our kids might feel like we don’t really understand or care about their pain. So how do we help them through these difficult moments? For starters, avoid saying these phrases when your kid is sad:
“Why are you being so sensitive?”
Daniel Rinaldi, a therapist with experience working with children and families, says parents should show empathy and understanding, “especially when validating sad emotions for their children.”
“The language and tone we use can help a child to feel heard, understood, and safe,” says Rinaldi. “Try instead saying, ‘I can see you’re experiencing some tricky emotions. Everyone is different and it is okay to show sensitivity. I’ll be here for you while you work through these emotions,’” he adds.
Anything that insinuates that crying is bad.
Everyone should be allowed to express their emotions, and that especially goes for children, who are still navigating emotional regulation. “(Saying “don’t cry”) tends to encourage pushing down and hiding feelings,” says Dr. Sean Akers, a pediatric psychologist at Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Omaha.
“A better way to phrase that would be, ‘I want you to know that crying is a healthy way of expressing your emotions. I’m here to help you if you need it,’” adds Rinaldi.
“Others have it worse.”
While that may be true in some ways, reminding a child about this when they’re in distress isn’t the best time to say it. “Sadness is not a competition, and comparing experiences with others tends to make it worse,” says Dr. Akers.
If your child is frequently getting sad over “smaller” problems, having conversations (when they are no longer distressed) around gratitude, and differentiating between small, medium, and large problems so they can gain more perspective could be beneficial.
“You’re so much more difficult than _____.”
Just like sadness isn’t a competition, we also don’t want to entertain the idea that your child is more “difficult” than a sibling, friend, or other loved one just because they are struggling with their emotions.
“This phrase invalidates a child’s unique way of interacting with and understanding the world,” says Taylor Lindskoog (MHC-LP) from Empower Your Mind Therapy. “It emphasizes that they are wrong or inferior compared to their siblings (or others). This negatively impacts the child’s self-esteem and may damage their bond with siblings due to jealousy, competitiveness, or resentment,” she says.
Similar to the previous, Dr. Nikki Hurst, Principal Therapist and Therapeutic Content Lead at Embodied, Inc., makers of Moxie Robot, recommends avoiding this problematic phrase.
“Children’s perceptions of situations and the way they experience things are very different from adults, and a situation that may not seem like a big deal to us may be a big deal for a child. It’s important to avoid phrases such as these because we don’t want to invalidate our child’s feelings and experiences,” says Dr. Hurst. “This could cause them to be less open with us, and more unwilling to talk about their feelings or trust us with them.”
While Dr. Hurst says we don’t have to totally agree that their small problem is actually a big problem or even turn it into one, we can always use language that validates their feelings and encourages kids to talk about the issue.
“You don’t have any reason to be sad.”
“While we know many stressors and loss can make us feel sad, we also know some kids feel sad without clear reason,” says Dr. Myo Thwin Myint of Children’s Hospital New Orleans Behavioral Health. He says this can be due to everything from family history and genetics, to the interplay of mind, body, and environment. Other times it might simply be because the child hasn’t had a chance to share their reasons.
Instead of saying the above phrase, Dr. Myint offers the alternative phrase, “We all feel sad sometimes; I would love to hear if you know why you feel sad” in order to check in with the child and have an opportunity to help them with their stressors or even seek out professional help.
“Act like a big (kid)!”
“Kids are meant to be kids, and being a kid sometimes comes with big feelings and emotions,” says Dr. Hurst. And those big emotions don’t necessarily go away once they’re older, she says.
“We want to encourage children to be able to express their feelings at any age. As they get older, we want to continue to give them the tools to be able to start regulating their emotions on their own as well as the language to ask for help when they need it,” she says. Dr. Hurst recommends using language like, “It’s okay to feel sad. Do you want to talk about it?”
Anything that perpetuates toxic positivity.
Many of us have heard phrases like “turn that frown upside down!” in our lives, especially as children. And many of us also remember how annoying and dismissive it felt. While people who say this might have the best of intentions in wanting to cheer us (or their children) up, there’s no need for it.
Phrases like “Smile and think positive!” tend to be “minimizing and dismissive,” according to Dr. Akers.
Instead of saying something like “Why can’t you just cheer up and be happy?” Rinaldi recommends a phrase like “You are feeling sad and you have the right to feel that way. Take your time and I will be here when you need to talk.”
“Get over it.”
“Just as many physical symptoms may not get better with simple willpower, sadness may not be something kids can get over,” says Dr. Myint. “Changing the way we think when we feel sad may help, such as in aspects of cognitive behavioral therapy, many of us may not know how to do it well and effectively,” he says.
Instead of saying this, he suggests helping the child figure out ways they can feel less sad, enlisting professional help if and when necessary, and explaining to the child that there are people whose job it is to help kids feel less sad.
Say these things on the walk to the bus or during snack time. In fact, any time is a good time!
Whether they are in preschool, elementary school, or heading into middle school, offering encouraging words for students can make all the difference between a just-okay day and an amazing day. Whatever time of day, there’s always a moment to remind your kids how much you believe in them and how you can’t wait to hear all about it! We’ve found 22 simple phrases and prompts that can add a dose of positivity to your kids’ day; be sure to keep them in your back pocket—you’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.
1. I can’t wait to see what your day brings. Put a positive spin on their daily morning routine when they fly out the door to catch the bus.
2. Do your best! Send them off with good vibes and encouraging words so they’ll be primed to achieve whatever they put their minds to.
3. Can I get a hug? Shh … this one’s really more about you than them, but they don’t need to know that. Hugs at the beginning of the day send a clear message of love to your little one.
4. I’ll think about you today! Just this one simple phrase lets your child know that he’ll be on your mind throughout the day, and sometimes that’s enough of a boost.
5. Do you have everything you need? It’s an easy question, but just asking it can assure both you and your child that she is prepared for her day. Lunch (or lunch money), homework, books, a special toy … whatever it is, taking a moment to ask and make sure she has what she needs to have a happy and successful day lets her know that you care.
6. You look great! Although this one can bring a smile to the young ones as well, these encouraging words are great to throw to the older kids as they trudge out the door into a social-media-driven world that can have seriously adverse effects on self-esteem.
7. You’ve got this! School is tough, much tougher than when we were kids, and the everyday pressures of homework, tests, quizzes, projects and more… well, it’s enough to make even the most self-assured kid second guess his or her abilities. Just giving your child one final boost of positivity with these words of encouragement as he scrambles out the door can be enough to boost that self-confidence for the rest of the day.
8. I’ll be right here when you get back. There are hours that are going to pass between taking your child to school and picking him up, and in that time, a lot can happen. Let him know that you’re going to be right there when he’s finished with his day, whether good or bad. This tiny little assurance can help slightly younger nervous kids take often difficult steps towards school.
9. I can’t wait to hear about your day! Encourage your children to look for the positive in the day by letting them know you’ll be ready to hear all about it when you see each other again.
10. You roll with the punches like a champ. Busy families have ever-changing schedules where flexibility is key. Letting your little ones know that you recognize their ability to also be flexible is important.
11.Thanks for sharing your day with me. Nothing says, “I’m listening” after the day’s download quite like this one. Frasier Crane would be proud.
12. You are a good person. People of all ages need words of encouragement like this to let them know that their presence, personality, and decisions are noticed and appreciated.
13. Thanks for helping out! when they go above and beyond to keep your family’s groove grooving, let them know how proud you are!
14. Your thoughtfulness shines through. Save this one for the simple gestures they make throughout the day, like helping out a friend or sharing with a sibling.
15. I like how you handled that. Using encouraging words for students like this lets them know you approve of how they managed tough situations can put smiles back on their faces and give them the confidence to tackle future challenges.
16. I’m so happy you’re home. I missed you. Because even though parents joke about alone time, we’re happiest when our kids are by our sides.
17. I was thinking about you today when … sharing your day with them lets kids know they’re loved, even when you’re not around to show it.
18. Your joy puts a smile on my face too. This one makes an impact when they come off the bus or through the door with big smiles.
19. I’ll bet your friends/teacher appreciated your ___________ today. Insert your favorite adjective here; no matter which one you choose, letting your kids know others see this same quality in them is super empowering.
20. It sounds like you worked hard today. Whether they took a tough test, ran a mile in P.E., or just tried their best, praise that perseverance. Go grit!
21. What do you want to do now? Set aside some time for when kids first come home from school to let them relax and unwind in their own way, whether that be stopping by the library or ice cream shop or just having free time to run around the yard. Their day has been stressful too, and letting them choose how to spend the first bit after school can be a powerful tone-setter for the rest of the evening.
22. You should be so proud of yourself. A phrase that’s important for kids (and adults!) of all ages—use it often, but especially at the end of a hard day at school.
These back-to-school books are sure to soothe the new year nerves
Whether your kids are headed for the classroom for the first time or they’re heading to a brand-new school, stress levels can be high (for both parents and kiddos). We love the idea of incorporating these back-to-school books into the bedtime routine. They talk about what it’s like to be without mom and dad all day, validate anxious feelings, and show kids that they’re not alone. These back-to-school books also teach little ones ways to handle those jitters so they can feel ready for whatever adventures the school year brings.
From kindergarten help to handling food allergies, these books have everyone covered. We’ve made sure that there’s something for every kiddo. Get the family together and snag a few of these great reads to make sure everyone is feeling their best this year. Backpack, lunch box, and new back-to-school books. That’s a winning combination!
Mighty + Bright
Nothing Stays the Same (but That's Okay): A Book to Read When Everything (or Anything) Changes
Every kid will face change: whether it's a new house, family changes, or moving schools. Author and child behavior expert Sara Olsher reminds kids (and their grownups) that it's actually okay. Facing our fears and the unknown is scary, but Olsher aims to give kids knowledge—the best defense against anxiety and fear. Whether it's a big change or something small, this book will help normalize the inevitability of change, giving kids the confidence that they can handle it. Ages: 4-10
Author Derrick Barnes captures the young and confident Black narrator of this book perfectly, demonstrating the pure joy of childhood where each day brings challenges and adventures. The vivid and beautifully done illustrations by Gordon C. James make this book one that will inspire your kids to embrace their own beauty even if things aren't always perfect or they make mistakes. This one teaches them to stay true to their truth, even when they are misunderstood or called things they're not. Ages: 3-8
America's Test Kitchen
Mitsy the Oven Mitt Goes to School: A Story About Being Brave
In this heartwarming and playful back-to-school book from America's Test Kitchen, we meet Mitsy, a young oven mitt who has spent her whole life in the mitten factory. When she's accepted to Miss Copperpot's Academy for Useful Utensils, she's definitely nervous. But her first days at school bring together a great cast of characters, inspiring kitchen facts, and a story to empower kids so that when they feel nervous like Misty, they remember that they can do anything. Ages: 4-8
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
The Nervous Knight: A Story about Overcoming Worries and Anxiety
'The Nervous Knight' by Lloyd Jones gets kids talking about what causes them to be anxious, thanks to a young knight-in-training who's never without his armour. When we get kids talking, we can normalize these feelings and help them problem solve ways to feel better. This one also includes a guide for parents to help keep the conversation flowing. Ages: 5-7
Monsters are loud. And rude. They like to smash things and they always need to be right. But not Yeti. Yeti is different. He bakes banana bread and sings to whales and always has something nice to say. This book by Kelly DiPucchio gets kids thinking about the benefits of being different so that they have the confidence to be themselves everywhere, including at school. Ages: 4-8
Random House Books for Young Readers
What If…? Answers to Calm First-Day-of-School Jitters
Young kids can have lots of anxiety, especially when faced with something new, (like starting school, of course). Luckily, Elmo and his Sesame Street friends are here to relieve those first-time jitters! This back-to-school book by Sonali Fry answers lots of questions (What if I don't like my teacher? What if I don't know where the bathroom is?) to ease your little one's worries. Ages: 4-6
The whole family will love this hilarious back-to-school story by Becky Sharnhorst. Told through journal entries about a boy who finds himself at a new school where the other students are REAL animals, he's even dealing with a locker buddy who bites! Is faking sick going to get him out of school? You'll have to read to find out! Ages: 5-7
In her latest book, author Stephanie Sorkin teaches children the valuable lessons of embracing their uniqueness and accepting others for who they are inside. The story touches on self-esteem and diversity, ultimately teaching the important lesson of accepting everyone's individuality. Ages: 5-8
Starting kindergarten is a big milestone. The hero of this back-to-school book by Derrick Barnes is ready to make his mark! He’s dressed himself, eaten a pile of pancakes, and can’t wait to be part of a whole new kingdom of kids. Starting school with positive energy is a great way to get past all of the new school year nerves. Ages: 4-6
Being different can be hard, especially when you are dealing with a nut allergy. This sweet story from author Stephanie Sorkin delves into the ups and downs of food allergies in an easy to understand way. Bonus: all proceeds from this book go to F.A.R.E, an organization dedicated to food allergy research and education. Ages: 2-6
How to Be Kind in Kindergarten: A Book for Your Backpack
From the best-selling author D. J Stenberg, here’s a guidebook that shows kids how to be kind in the new and exciting world of kindergarten. Helping out classmates and cheering up kids who look sad are great ways to make new kindergarten friends. Ages: 3-5
It's a beautiful day and Worrysaurus has planned a special picnic. But it isn't long before a small butterfly of worry starts fluttering in his tummy. This book by Rachel Bright normalizes feelings of worry and helps to problem solve ways to make yourself feel better.
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It’s every mom’s heartbreak: your kid will no longer hold your hand. My 11-year-old started ducking away when he was ten. I didn’t mention it. The itty-bitty who begged for piggyback rides was striding long-legged into the wider world, and I didn’t stop him. It’s for the best. I wanted to grab his hand and freeze that moment; everyone babbles about childhood milestones, but they rarely talk about “lasts.” They’re part of growing up. They’re part of parenting. They ache if you think about them too hard.
But becoming “too cool” for you is more than an eye-roll at your attempt to hold their hand. Somewhere around nine or ten, parental approval becomes less important. Kids care more about their peers’ opinions—not necessarily more than they care about yours, but more than they cared before. It can be a tightrope walk for both of you. They’re worried about fitting in; you’re worried about being left behind.
But you shouldn’t worry. With more complex emotions and social concerns, they don’t need you in the same way they did as truly little kids. But that natural shift doesn’t mean they’ll immediately melt into a puddle of embarrassment whenever you’re nearby.
That’s because you can “cool-proof” your kids. This starts with accepting that an initial pull-away is basically unavoidable—and can even happen as early as eight years old. If one little jerk is teasing them about mom hugs, and they seek that jerk’s approval (as is age-appropriate), they’re bound to squirm away or shrug you off. This will probably happen more than once, but give it time. Eventually, you want them to roll their eyes at that little jerk, not you. Nurture their self-esteem. Accept them for who they are and help them be the best version of themselves. Don’t force them to fit your wants or expectations. (I wish my oldest hadn’t given up diving, but he would rather rock climb—his call!) If they’re confident in who they are, it won’t keep happening.
But this is a two-way street. Part of “cool-proofing” involves being cool yourself. Are you hugging your kid in public? Good job. Are you haranguing him about his dirty underwear in front of his friends? No bueno. Imagine your child as an adult (I know, it sucks, but they’ll grow up one day). I’d sprint away from someone who shouted, “Make sure you change that shirt! You’ve been wearing it for three days!” in front of my besties. Similarly, you’d hug your spouse in front of his friends, but you wouldn’t harass him for leaving the toilet seat up. Don’t do it to your kid. They can live with you singing along to the radio, as long as you don’t go full operatic. They can’t live with you reprimanding them in front of their friends.
More than remaining chill, you also need to respect them. They will develop their own taste in music and clothing. Yes, it was super fun to dress them. But it’s not your job anymore. You might hate their preferences: I would burn every pair of athletic shorts and Crocs in my house if I could, and with three boys, that would make quite a conflagration. But they see their friends wearing both, and they cling to the fact that those elastic-waist shorts are more comfortable than jeans (regardless of the weather).
At nine, 11, and 13, they get to choose, not me. I don’t complain about their outfits, I don’t roll my eyes when they ask for Hamilton again or demand Led Zeppelin instead of Bowie, and I don’t ridicule Pokémon or Minecraft walk-throughs (why would you watch a video telling you how to play a game? I don’t get it).
Just remember: if you respect your kid and encourage them to become an independent thinker, they won’t pull away for long. They’ll set boundaries. You’ll set boundaries. But they won’t disconnect completely. Treat them with dignity and accept their choices. Don’t roll your eyes. They’ll come back.
As parents, our greatest wish for our children is for them to be happy, healthy, and confident. Experts agree that curiosity and independent thinking are key ingredients to ensuring the development of these positive character traits; however, there is still often cultural and societal pressure for kids to conform to predetermined ideas and behaviors.
Raising kids who stand up for what they believe in and who march to the beat of their drums can be a delicate balancing act, but it’s essential to fostering a strong sense of self. According to says Carole Kramer Arsenault, a licensed family therapist, and founder and CEO of Boston Baby Nurse, “Independent thinking children develop higher levels of confidence and have increased self-esteem. Children who are independent thinkers use their own experiences to interpret the world instead of believing everything they are taught by parents, teachers, society, etc.”
We asked child behavior and early education experts for their advice on how to foster confidence and independent thinking in any child. Here are their 12 best tips for raising an independent thinker.
1. Model and share the behaviors, values, and ideals you want your independent kid to possess.
Modeling and sharing with your child what you believe and what you value—early and often—will ensure that she grows up with a solid ideological foundation as she develops her sense of self. “Parents who communicate what they value with their children raise children who value communicating with their parents,” says Mica Geer, an American early education specialist based in Stuttgart, Germany. Geer adds that it’s a two-way street and parents also need to hear what their children value, too. “It may seem like the ramblings of a child, but when a kid is sharing her thoughts, parents need to really listen.”
2. Let children know that failure is an essential part of learning and growing.
Young children are like sponges: they’ll absorb virtually everything around them. Encouraging kids to learn through their failures instead of giving up when things get tough will empower them in the long run. According to the Child Mind Institute, a nonprofit organization that supports families and children coping with mental illness and learning disabilities, “trial and error is how kids learn, and falling short on a goal helps kids find out that it’s not fatal.” By learning to embrace a misstep, a child may be spurred to put in the extra effort the next time, learning a valuable lesson.
3. Expose your child to different cultures, foods, and multicultural/multiethnic experiences.
“Encouraging your child to play and interact with other kids from all cultural and ethnic backgrounds and diverse socio-economic circumstances can open a child’s mind to different worldviews and opinions,” says Kramer Arsenault. Early exposure to the wider world—to different cultures, people, and even food—teaches a child that the world is vast and open to lots of possibilities.
4. Instead of simply pushing independence, encourage self-reliance.
Kipp Jareke-Cheng via Instagram
Dr. Jim Taylor, a San Francisco-based psychologist, says becoming an independent thinker is achieved through the pursuit of self-reliance. “As human beings, we are social creatures incapable of being truly independent. Instead of raising independent children, I want you to raise self-reliant children.” Dr. Taylor defines self-reliance as “confident in your own abilities and able to do things for yourself.” For children, that means encouraging the development of essential life tools that include cognitive, emotional, behavioral, interpersonal, and practical skills.
5. Tell your kids that practice makes perfect—or at least makes pretty great.
While experts agree that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to instilling confidence and independence in children, most recognize that values can and do change with time, age, and experience. The Center for Parenting Education provides useful resources for helping parents raise caring, responsible, resilient children, including practical exercises that parents and children can work on together to share and explore their basic life values.
6. Allow your kids to act their age.
One of the greatest and longest-lasting gifts a parent can give to a child is confidence. However, a parent can undermine a child’s confidence by creating expectations that are unrealistic or not age-appropriate. Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist, and author of 15 parenting books says, “When a child feels that only performing as well as parents is good enough, that unrealistic standard may discourage effort. Striving to meet advanced age expectations can reduce confidence.” Instead, he says parents should celebrate accomplishments big and small as well as encourage children to practice skills to build competence.
7. Define and set clear boundaries for your child.
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It may seem counter-intuitive, but defining and establishing clear boundaries and expectations will help a child feel a greater sense of independence and confidence. According to Geer, “reasonable boundaries that are based in logic and frequently reinforced actually do more to encourage kids than constantly changing expectations.” She adds that parents sometimes equate expectations with limitations, but kids always are looking for things that make them feel safe and in a safe environment to build their own ideas.
8. Give your child the space to grow, learn and explore.
Younger children especially are trying to assert their independence in ways that may come across as defiant or disorderly to some parents. But experts caution not to overreact or jump in to correct too quickly. “Research shows that parents who are over-involved in an activity that a child is doing, who take over, those kids don’t develop a sense of pride, adventure, and willingness to try new things,” says Dr. Linda Acredolo, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California at Davis. Instead, Dr. Acredolo says children need the space to try—and fail on their own to learn and move forward.
9. Give responsibilities to your child at an early age.
Whether it’s simple household duties like taking out the trash or doing the dishes, assigning chores to children can give them a sense of accomplishment as well as set them up for understanding that seeing through the completion of tasks is essential throughout life and part of being a successful person. “By making them do chores… they realize, ‘I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life,’ ” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean and the author of How to Raise an Adult.
10. Encourage your child to ask questions and share their opinions.
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Rather than enforcing your own perspective or dismissing your child’s questions, encouraging your child to question things and share their opinions and genuinely listen will help them gain confidence in their ideas. “This shows the child that his viewpoints matter. Parents should engage in actively listening to what their child has to say. When a child feels listened to he feels valued,” says Kramer Arsenault. And feeling valued will enhance your child’s self-esteem and confidence.
11. Teach children that they have agency over their minds and bodies.
Children rely on so much from their parents and caregivers when they are young, but as they transition from childhood into adolescence, one of the most important lessons they need to learn is that they have agency over their minds and bodies. Parents can help facilitate the transition of their children’s dependence to greater independence by ensuring that their kids know the choices they make have consequences. The Center for Parenting Education has a helpful resource for helping parents and children navigate effective discipline and consequences.
12. Trust your kids.
According to Dr. Jim Taylor, there are two kinds of children: independent and contingent. Contingent children are dependent on others for how they feel about themselves, while independent children are intrinsically motivated to achieve. Trusting that your child has learned the right lessons will allow him or her to flourish in their independence. “If your children are independent, you have provided them with the belief that they are competent and capable of taking care of themselves. You gave your children the freedom to experience life fully and learn its many important lessons,” says Dr. Taylor.
Sometimes a little lie is a harmless tool in your parenting arsenal
Parents are lying liars, and any parent who tells you they don’t occasionally lie to their kids is the biggest liar of all. Honesty might be the best policy for fully-formed adults, but the child brain doesn’t always understand reason or boundaries or parental motivation. Children basically have reptile brains; they want. They want books read to them, they want to be played with, they want to go to the park, they want to eat chocolate for breakfast—the list of wants never ends. That’s where little lies come in.
Apparently, there are some arguments that lying to a child can erode their trust in you, but to that, I say, “meh.” Sometimes a little white lie is the difference between arguing with a three-year-old for 14 minutes about why they can’t slide down the slide another 40 times, or actually making it home before you have a full-fledged public meltdown.
1. The park is closing.
When my daughter was a toddler, she loved the park. All kids love the park, but she loved the park. As in, whenever we tried to leave the park, she acted like I was separating her from a recently reunited soul mate she’d never see again. So one day, I overheard a mom at the park telling her child the park was about to close. It was high noon, the park was nowhere near closing. The child said, “Really? Okay.” No fighting, no screaming, no debating the merits of staying on a dense foam tarmac filled with throwaway toddler toys for the rest of the afternoon. Sorry honey, the park is closing!
2. This artwork is amazing!
Your toddler’s artwork isn’t good. It just isn’t. And that’s fine—it’s not supposed to be. But you better believe every time they hand you a sheet of garbage-scribble, you are going to clutch your chest and act as if you’ve just seen sketch renderings of the birth of the Mona Lisa. Some experts say lying to a child about their talents can affect their self-esteem, but this is another piece of advice that I willfully ignored when it came to raising my small children, and they turned out just fine. This artwork is amazing!
3. This (noisy) toy is broken.
Parents are expected to draw from an endless reserve of patience that simply doesn’t exist. How many times can you hear Elmo sing the ABC song before you want to pull all your hair out? This is a rhetorical question because I know the answer. It’s 17. After you hear Elmo’s little voice say, “Come on kids! Sing with me!” for the seventeenth time, something inside your very being changes. At this point, you have two options: throw Elmo out the window, or tell your toddler that he’s broken and needs to be fixed, then stash him in your closet for a few weeks until you build up the resolve to endure him singing the ABC song once again. Oh, no! Elmo is broken!
4. Santa/The Tooth Fairy/The Easter Bunny is real.
Some adults believe charging a crystal under a full moon gives it special powers, and then balk at the idea of letting kids believe a giant bunny rabbit leaves them tasty treats in the yard on Easter morning. It’s okay to let children experience some harmless “magic” while they are still young enough to believe that unbelievable things are true. Because when we allow them to experience the unbelievable as “real,” we are also giving them permission to look for the magic in things when they are adults. BRB, I need to find my crystals. The Easter Bunny is real!
5. It’s going to rain today.
Same idea as “the park is closing,” but you reserve this for the days you don’t feel like leaving the house. It’s okay to not feel like leaving the house sometimes. Parenting is exhausting; you’ve been to Barnes & Noble story time four times already this month, you’ve been to the park every day this week, and if you just want to relax today and let your toddler entertain themselves without hearing them beg for an hour—that’s okay. Yes, you should establish boundaries with your child and teach them they are not always going to hear the word, “yes.” But sometimes you may want to opt for a little white lie to avoid a struggle. It’s going to rain today!
6. Kids can’t eat this.
Our kids take everything from us, don’t they? Sometimes you want a little special treat that is only yours. Mine is super expensive, fancy dark chocolate. Whatever yours is, small kids are pretty easy to lie to, as we’ve established above. A simple, “This isn’t for kids!” is shockingly effective. I mean, you wouldn’t give them a sip of your wine, and that’s pretty easy to explain. So think of this as an extension of that. Kids can’t eat this!
7. Sorry, we’re out of…
But what about those times when your kids are onto you? When they know cookies and ice cream and so many other things you know good parents aren’t letting their kids eat are for kids? Tell them you’re out and don’t give it another thought. Just make sure you’ve tucked that unopened package of Oreos into the back of the pantry before you do. Oh sorry, we’re all out of Oreos!
8. That’s not streaming anymore.
We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no… it was super catchy the first 432 times that you heard it, but something about 433 was the straw that broke the camel’s back. That’s when it’s time to resort to, “Oh, no! Encanto isn’t streaming anymore!” Look very shocked and disappointed when you say it. This only works if your kid can’t navigate around a streaming platform themselves, so hurry up and use it while they’re young. That’s not streaming anymore!
And for a bonus, the comments in the below post are golden. Who knew so many parents told their kids the ice cream man only plays music when he’s out of ice cream!
Being a new mom can be tough. These books let you know you’re not alone
Navigating life with a newborn is anything but simple. Whether it’s your first or your fourth, the only constant new parents can count on is to expect the unexpected. With all the snarky comments and harsh judgments out there, moms need all the support—and commiseration—we can get. When you get a few minutes, stop doom-scrolling and pick up one of these 10 beautiful books for moms that celebrate the messy truth of motherhood in a way new moms need.
1. Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott
Writer and essayist Anne Lamott offers new moms inspiration and commiseration in this collection by one of the most talented writers out there. And don’t worry; the short vignettes are not only relatable, they’re easily readable in the few spare moments you have in between diaper changes , feeding, and naps.
2. Unexpected: A Postpartum Memoir by Emily Adler Mosqueda
As a second-time mom, Emily wasn’t anticipating the postpartum depression and anxiety she would experience. Exploring the not-always-joyful emotions of motherhood, including rage, irritability, guilt, and shame, Emily opens up about the impossible standards of motherhood and offers moms the judge-free understanding that sometimes you aren’t okay.
3. Ain’t That a Mother: Postpartum, Palsy, and Everything in Between by Adiba Nelson
Writer and all-around bad*ss Adiba Nelson knows a thing or two about the unexpected journey motherhood brings. As an Afro-Latina, Nelson grew up knowing motherhood was anything but easy. When her daughter is born with cerebral palsy, Adiba begins a fight—a fight for love of her child and of herself. The kind of self-love and courage that created success and changes in her life. It’s a messy, bold, beautifully written story of Adiba’s truth and her quest to live it.
Adiba also wrote a children’s book, Clarabelle Blue Is Just Like You, to offer her daughter visibility in the world and to teach other children the value of loving one another. This new memoir will have you laughing, loving, and celebrating.
4. Enough About the Baby: A Brutally Honest Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood by Becky Vieira
Touted as “an unapologetic guide to the first year of motherhood,” author Becky Viera challenges society to stop undervaluing the new mother and start establishing self-care as a necessity to motherhood. Full of actionable advice about what to expect and how to handle even the most taboo subjects, poop, and postpartum depression among them, this book reminds us that taking care of our own needs is vital to our survival.
5. The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor
Though this book is not explicitly about being a new mom, our relationships with our bodies post-partum can be a mixed bag, full of pressure to get back to “pre-baby weight” and struggling with self-esteem. In this book, activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor offers us tools for radical self-love and a way out of the shame cycle that perpetuates the oppression of ourselves and others around the world. There’s even a workbook to help you personalize and radicalize your feelings about your own body.
6. The Hand That First Held Mine by Maggie O’Farrell
If you’re looking for a relatable novel to read when you can steal a moment, this one will fit the bill. It’s the story of two different mothers—one a single mom in post-war London and the other a young painter named Elina navigates who can’t seem to remember actually giving birth. A gorgeously written novel that touches on so many feelings we have as we stumble into motherhood.
7. It’s Been Pouring: The Dark Secret of the First Year of Motherhood by Rachel Papo
In this photo book, author and photographer Rachel Papo set out to document the experience of postpartum depression. A collection of photos and interviews of mothers at their darkest moments, it’s also an honest exposition of Papo’s own postpartum depression and allows mothers everywhere to connect and recognize the real struggle of motherhood.
Buy it here, $37
8. Knocking Myself Up: A Memoir of My (In)Fertility by Michelle Tea
Award-winning author Michelle Tea gives an honest and totally amazing account of her life entering into motherhood as a 40-year-old, queer, uninsured woman. A story of love and love of family, Tea tells it all in a can’t-put-down memoir.
Buy it here, $28
9. Knocked Down: A High-Risk Memoir by Aileen Weintraub
Told with humor and grace, this is a memoir of a high-risk pregnancy when author Aileen Weintraub is prescribed five months of bed rest. What she experiences includes confronting the state of her marriage and her own grief for her father while fighting for the life of her child. For moms that have experienced high-risk pregnancies, there are relatable emotions, and for all moms, the book offers deep insight into what we do to ourselves as women and mothers in our own minds.
10. Waiting for Birdy: A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family by Catherine Newman
A hilarious and honest book by popular Baby Center columnist Catherine Newman, this is her account of navigating toddlerhood while preganat and giving birth to her second child. Spoiler alert: it’s really hard! But with humor, wit, and her warm writing style, new moms everywhere will feel 100% seen in her book.
Social media filters are really doing a number on our kids’ self-esteem
If you are wondering whether the unrealistic images of perfection that social media filters layer over our kids’ faces are causing them harm—you can stop wondering. They are. TikTok’s “Bold Glamour” is the newest filter receiving criticism for the unrealistic image that reflects back on viewers when they use it. It’s one thing to be an adult experimenting with tools like this, but studies have shown time and time again that these filters are damaging our kids’ self-esteem (more on that below). And it’s really time to take the effects they’re having on our kids seriously.
What is the TikTok Bold Glamour filter?
The reason the Bold Glamour filter is causing such an uproar might be because its execution is pretty flawless. When you look at yourself through the lens of the filter, your skin is perfect, your brows are snatched, and your lips are plumped to correspond with society’s current standards of beauty. It’s a subtle yet jarring change—that illustrates just how “imperfect” your actual image is.
Filters like this help set unrealistic standards of beauty on the youth of today. Some filters are a bit of fun I get it, but we mustn’t forget natural beauty too. Let’s not lose sight of reality. #naturalisbeautifultoo
“It’s just scary because there’s a lot of girls out there who don’t realize when someone’s got a filter on, and they’re chasing perfection because they think that’s what everybody looks like,” Zoe George, former Big Brother Australia contestant says in her video. “And this is not what people look like.”
The filter has been used nearly two million times in the last two days, and many users are reacting the same way—questioning whether the filter is solidifying an unrealistic expectation of beauty. We don’t have to wonder though, at least when it comes to adolescents.
What does the research say?
The research proves time and time again that social media use has a negative effect on teens and tweens. “We make body image issues worse for one in three teen girls,” said a slide from an internal presentation by Facebook in 2019 that was seen and reported on by the Wall Street Journal. Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen, a former data scientist at Facebook, leaked an internal study that found that 13.5% of U.K. teen girls in one survey said their suicidal thoughts became more frequent after starting to use Instagram, 17% of teen girls said their eating disorders got worse after using Instagram, and about 32% of teen girls said that when they felt bad about their bodies, Instagram made them feel even worse.
So the question is, why are we letting our kids use these platforms?
“Teens and young adults who reduced their social media use by 50% for just a few weeks saw significant improvement in how they felt about both their weight and their overall appearance compared with peers who maintained consistent levels of social media use,” reads a report published by the American Psychological Association.
“Adolescence is a vulnerable period for the development of body image issues, eating disorders, and mental illness,” said lead author Gary Goldfield, Ph.D., of Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario Research Institute. “Youth are spending, on average, between six to eight hours per day on screens, much of it on social media. Social media can expose users to hundreds or even thousands of images and photos every day, including those of celebrities and fashion or fitness models, which we know leads to an internalization of beauty ideals that are unattainable for almost everyone.”
I lived through the ’90s as a tween. Even with the absence of things like selfies and social media filters that make teenagers look at themselves way more than is healthy for any human, being a teen is a difficult time. Your body is changing, your skin is changing—your physical characteristics are morphing almost daily into the adult you’ll become. The whistleblower research from Facebook is absolutely stunning—knowing that 32% of teen girls were made to feel worse just by virtue of using Instagram regularly. It really makes you wonder if we all need a giant reset.
When our kids are babies, we obsess over every. single. safety measure. We take recalls very, very seriously, as we should. When we discover things like crib bumpers are dangerous, we take measurable actions to avoid those things, even banning them from the market. It’s really past time for us to take a good look at what allowing our tweens and teens on social media is doing to their mental health—to really absorb the research.
“Research shows that young adults who frequently use filters on social media often have increased feelings of dissatisfaction with their actual face and body,” reports The Newport Institute. “Not only are they comparing their appearance to ‘perfect’ images of celebrities and peers, they’re judging themselves against their own filtered selfies.
“Social media overuse and social comparison can trigger anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues, or they can make existing mental health conditions worse.”
How do we help our child reduce social media use?
So what do we do?
Well, knowing we as parents probably have a social media addiction of our own means that we can work with our children to reduce time spent on apps. Choose a day a week and make it a no-screen day. Your kid can see you modeling behavior, and you will most definitely end up spending more time together if you’re not glued to your respective devices.
You can also help them to curate their feeds. Teach them how to unfollow accounts that make them feel bad. Share some hashtags that will expose them to new communities like #bodypositivity or #booktok or other things that shift focus away from how they look and toward other interests.
And most importantly, expose your child to the research and talk to them about it. If they’re old enough to use the apps, they are old enough to start to grasp why certain things about their use are unhealthy.
Pink won’t allow her daughter to have a phone until she “produces literature” that social media is good for kids, and we can’t help but stan
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that Pink’s daughter, Willow Sage Hart, is already 11 years old. The Trustfall singer has shared so many of the ups and downs of parenting, so it’s like we’ve watched Willow grow up before our eyes. And while Willow is rapidly approaching her teen years, Pink has a refreshing approach to screens and social media that has a lot of parents cheering.
“My kids don’t have a phone, and my daughter is the only 11-year-old in her class that doesn’t have one,” she said. “It’s hard. A lot of my friends, they have their kids on TikTok, and I don’t. I told Willow, ‘That just doesn’t move my needle. They’re not my kids. You’re my kid.'”
Pink continued on and explained how being the daughter of a famous parent makes conversations around social media and technology even more complicated.
“She has a lot of eyes on her,” she said. Plus, there are piles of research that show social media can negatively affect young people’s relationships, self-esteem, and mental health.
“I told her, point blank, ‘If you can produce literature from a reputable source that tells me that social media is good for you, then you can be on it. Otherwise, good luck,'” Pink explained. “She could be a lawyer, she could literally pass the bar. She’s always right. She might actually find that literature, but good luck!”
Now there’s a rule parents can get behind. Put the onus on our kids to do their research and show how they’ll use social media in healthy, positive ways. Otherwise, no dice. Not only will it get your kid thinking (and learning) about the potential pitfalls of technology, but it’ll show the initiative and responsibility they need to handle it safely.
